Garnie's Diary

2010-11-24T04:07:00.000-08:00

Holy crap, nowadays i m jus so not used to blogging already! Sorry abt tt. Anyway what matters is tt i'm back! hahaha. Well yesterday watched due date, from the directors of hangover. Omg, the movie was freaking funny! Right from the start till the end hahaha. I even laughed when i thought abt certain scenes. Awesome. All the guys should definately catch it.

After a very long time, i met up with rama. The both of us never had the time to meet up since he was busy preparing for his A levels. Really look up to him for his effort and hard work. But oh yea yesterday turned out to be a great night with my buddy cos we watched an awesome movie, had an awesome dinner and highlight of the night was the awesome chilled beers and shesha! I fucking went back home only at 2 and slept for like 3 hrs before i got up for work. Awesome man!

Was like a freaking zombie today at work due to the lack of sleep and heavy intake of beer hahaha. And though yesterday nite ended of fantastically well, somehow i woke up pissed off and it lasted a whole day. Dunno if i was affected by something without knowing abt it myself haha! And also went ahead declining the zouk out outing deal with my fren who volunteered to pay for me. Just had some issues and didnt wanna go for it. I think i made a gd choice. Anyway, i feel much better after a certain msg tt cheered me up. Thanks tons. Dunno what i'll be without ppl like this!

All the best to all whom re having examinations now! Do well and party the rest of December hahaha! Cheers!

2010-10-22T04:32:00.000-07:00

Alright! It has been long since i sat down and typed a serious post down here hahaha! Ever since i started work at Keppel, there goes my time and all. So that is one reason why i couldnt come here to post anything.

Recently was activated for some mobilisation, was damn irritating cos i was called back on a bladie saturday. The only consolation was tt i got to see my army buddies. Haiz.

That day passed by the deepavali expo at little india. Well i purely got upset after getting reminded of someone. Yea, it was my mum. I remember the last time i ever went to the expo was abt 3 yrs back, 2007. Though i hate to go ard for too long and not get anything, i loved it whenever it was with my mum cos she will get excited with almost anything she sees. Damn cute she was. Hmmmm, why cant ur love ones always stay by ur side. Well, guess life is as such.

Deepavali 2010 is coming. And the only reason why i am looking forward to t is because i'll be having a holiday from my work that day. Besdies that, i am in no mood for any kind of celebration or wat. One reason for this is that i dun think my family has settled down in a proper way yet, so i dun feel the need for a celebration at this pt of time. Another reason is that besides calling my frens and celebrating it with my frens, i dun feel the need and joy to celebrate such an occasion. But this yr i m not in a mind to call anyone so yea. Last yr was probably a gd one where i did call almost all my close frens home except one or two. Still havent make up for it hahaha.

I realised that listing out wat is happening in my life in my blog is not necessarily a gd thing to do. Sometimes, things re better off when it is not shared at all. I think i am preferring tt. But of cos, if i need another sourse to vent out my anger or maybe to express my happiness or wat, i'd definately use the blog. Provided its something i can share to everyone of cos!

2010-10-09T21:32:00.000-07:00

Endhiraaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! hahahaha. Yesss! finally watched the movie in theatres and man, it's the most fucking awesome INDIAN movie that I have ever watched. Its beyond imagination! Chitti version 2.0, my latest favourite character. Gonna fucking learn all the dialouges man! hahaha. Proud moment for all tamilans to have such a Record breaking movie in our kitty! hahaha. DOT

2010-09-25T21:36:00.000-07:00

Bruno Mars-Just the Way You Are

Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know
When I compliment her
She wont believe me
And it's so, it's so
Sad to think she don't see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay
I say

(Chorus)
When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Her lips, her lips
I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think it's so sexy

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Oh you know, you know, you know
I'd never ask you to change
If perfect is what you're searching for
Then just stay the same

So don't even bother asking
If you look okay
You know I say

(Chorus)

The way you are
The way you are
Girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

(Chorus)

2010-08-27T04:51:00.000-07:00

A rather sensitive comment by someone close is stuck to my head for almost a week already! Jus feel a little fucked up abt it for sometime. The comment was actually abt my family! Well.......... i think my family didnt leave a gd impression on my fren apparently. I didnt realize then that just by me letting out so many things innocently, tt its gonna leave a bad mark on me. Hmmmm.

Wat can i say, my first sis fucked it all up for my entire family. And now i'm being punished for someone else's fault jus like always. Why? I know my sis damamged the family's reputation to the extreme. Once, we were the family whom everyone looked up to. I have a very good mother and father. They re the nicest wisest ppl tt i ever know of. My father is so truthful and hardworking all his life and he loves his wife so much and he cares for his kids limitlessly. My mum i've already said enuff, she is simply an angel, there is no one who could come as close to her. I'm not saying this jus cos she is my mum, but she truely is a great woman. No one ever tot my family was not gd enuff. No one! But now, after watever my sibling did to the family, it seems as if i came from a damaged family. It is at this pt of time tt i wish my mum was ard. She would never had allowed so many things from happening. She really took the family and its reputation to a whole new level but once she left us, everything seems gone. Is it my fault? Despite me having the gd traits from my dad and mum and being truthful and genuine and loving towards those close to me, i'm jus being looked down at due to my family. Hmmmm. There was nothing i could do when my sister runied things up for the family, i really didnt have any control of things. But now, see how my sisters have caused a stain to be present in my life forever!!!

2010-08-08T06:27:00.001-07:00

i realise i have one very big problem with me. I jus LOVE my frens a lot. The list of frens tt i love and would do anything for is quite big. But no matter how much i love them, i have one thing tt has hit me now. I am not sure if all these frens love me even half as much... hmmm...

Life has somehow become quite busy now tt i can hardly think of anything else other than work. I realise tt sch life will surely be the best times of our lives cos once u start working, there is no turning back and u will be sucked into the robotic system of life. Anyway, a positive thing to take from such hectic life is tt it prevents ya from thinking watever else tt is going on in life. It jus keeps me away from the rest of the world so tt is one thing i like at least for now.

2010-07-23T20:39:00.000-07:00

2 more days and Industrial Attachment starts for me. There ends my holidays :( .....
Why cant they just extend it together with the rest of the NTU,since they start on 30th August. Aaiya nvm guess i jus gotta settle down at work. Damn

Anyway i was trying to make full use of my last one week of holidays. Was out practically everyday. Guess i wun go into the details of what i did for each day. Maybe just abt wednesday itself.

So on wednesday, i took a train all the way down to toa payoh to meet my buddy, who jus returned back from India after a 5weeks stay there. She landed only on tue. And i never tot i would meet her the next day itself, simply cos she jus landed and it wouldnt be so possible. It wasnt really a planned one, cos i never tot meeting her would be anytime soon since i wasnt free besides wednesday itself for the entire week, and after tt my IA was gonna start. So i tot i wouldnt be seeing her for quite sometime. But somehow, during the early hrs of wednesday, she msged and asked me if i was free and told me she has to go to the doc to check on some insect bite. So yea, i ended up at her place on wednesday afternoon. Had my lunch with my buddy and her mum and we ate freaking lots. She wouldnt know, but i was enjoying myself just seeing her back after so long. Missed her a lot. Glad tt she is back. I hope i'd have the chance to see her more though, but somehow IA is gonna keep my days very busy. But well, welcome back my dear buddy! Was great spending an entire afternoon with ya!

Watched inception. OMG. Purely amazing. I dunno how someone could come up with such a brilliant script. ITs a movie where u have to pay 100percent full concentration. Just shifting ur eyes or thoughts away from the screen for even a few seconds would lead u to wonderland. I am simply awed by how such a movie was taken. Of cos for some, they would need to see the movie a few more times to understand. I didnt understand everything the first time too but somehow i knew 80percent of wat was going on. Looking at such movies, i m ashamed by how some tamil movies and its directors re so backwards. They fucking take movies which really doesnt need any creative juices. Any tom dick harry would be able to come out with such stupid scripts. On top of tt, u see a pathetic actor like Vijay signing up for such movies forever. These re ppl who re bringing the tamil films and its industry 20 yrs back from wat its suppose to be today.

This is some after thoughts from a very interesting conversation tt i had with my buddy dhivya. We were discussing on how indian guys were like always wanting to be more than frens with the girls tt they get very close too. Well for me personally, i have quite a few close female frens. Somehow i have had interest on two of them before. But there re also these other few tt i have purely behaved only as a fren. I only wanted to be their fren ryte from the start, though they were awesome girls themselves. I dunno but i guess its true to a certain extent that all of us(the guys) will have an intention more than friendship when we re too close with someone. Tt happened to me very recently when i tot i should take my frienship to one level higher. But thats when things turned to be pretty bad. Glad tt now its all over.

So re platonic friendships really possible? Yesterday one of my army frens said its never possible and it will never exist. But i can say tt he is wrong, especially when it comes to me cos i m a living example. I did fall in love with a couple of them but at the end of the day, we ppl are all gd platonic friends and we re going strong somewhat. Somehow u understand fully about someone, after all the bitter moments, like the one i had with dhivya, just to cite an example. I somehow understood tt both of us were better off by being jus friends. She can really be an awesome fren and she herself realizes it. After knowing her chracter so well, i find tt its very true. YOu cant force such a friend to like love ya the way you want. And i didnt understand tt till all those things happened a few months back. So only through moments like tt, will ya learn about someone more. Somehow, i am very clear with myself now and i dun want to be involved with any kindaf love or watsoever, at least for the next two yrs. I want to graduate in peace, without going through a pain tt i mite inflict on myself. But of cos, my eyes re always open scouting for new faces hahaha. I am trying to spot ppl but somehow, i have like no history or watsoever with the ppl i have seen so far. I m talking abt ppl who i just came across while i am outside. I dun even know where they study and stuff. And even if i did know, i dun have a single mutual fren to like get to know these ppl. I dunno, at this rate i am gonna end up with arranged mariages i guess hahahaha.

Oh well, i think i am satisfied with the way things re and the way i am to ppl ard me. At least i dun see any immediate problem ahead of me with any of them. All kinds of fault or distrust have been cleared somehow. As u can see i will never use the word tt "i m happy" with the way things re now. Cos whenever i m happy abt something, it doesnt last for long. Therefore, i am jus satisfied with how things re now and i shall jus have zero expectations from all these. This is one way, i realize, to live a carefree life!

2010-07-16T18:26:00.000-07:00

Heyy! I'm back after successfully completing a week of In-Camp Training(ICT). Well mixed feelings abt the camp. Well it definately wasnt as easy as i tot it would be, in fact it was pretty tough the first two days especially. However, i sort of enjoyed it, cos of the company. Yes, i m not joking. I enjoyed being there cos i was able to see all my army frens after a very long period. And we like stayed in the same bunk jus like our NS days. Was pretty cool to have everyone ard, including the man. I definately would not wanna defer for next yr cos tt would disallow me to do the next ict with my own guys. The reason why i might defer is because i would most probably appl for sweden exhange programme. So if my stay down there extends beyond the reservist day, then i have no choice but to defer. So lets see how.

Anyway, my army fellows are one of the nicest fellows ard. My toe nail sort of came of tearing my skin abit during a tau-pok session on Xaviar. It was terribly painful and i jus excused mysel to go toilet and wash off the blood. But all the guys came to my aid and i was pretty touched with the way all of them poured their concern upon me. Really quite touched. i didnt really express right then how i felt cos tts not exactly wat i do, but well i think i was pretty moved... Thanks guys.

Well, the ppl who care for ya the most are somehow most evident in important times, like during ICT. I m not talking abt my fellow army guys here now. I m talking abt those who took the trouble to check out on me during my stay in camp. I dunno abt others, but for me, i personally feel tt for whoever who check on ppl like us during times like this, they re the ones who truely think and care for us, and this re the ppl who value us the most. That is my believe on this. There is a reason why i go to this extent to appreciate a simple msg or call from frens during ICT. Well, it personaly means a lot to me because when i was in the army serving NS last time, my mum would be the one person who would truely show her concern by talking to me, getting to know wat is going on in camp and how i am treating it and all. She really bothered how i was at times like this. It is when u re inside that u re like removed from the outside world. So any initative taken by ppl from this outside world would really mean a lot since we re going thru a prison kindaf life inside. For those who actually texted me and cared abt me for this past one week, really thanks. There were like 4-5 frens who bothered to check on me. Thanks really! I will always treasure u'll for this little bit that u'll did.

One more week of holidays left before i step my foot on keppel, starting on the 26th. Have quite a few outings left before i am pulled into the working world. Hopefully i enjoy myself one last time before i hardly could find any time for myself.

A very weird thought and a scary feeling is within me. I am really reluctant these days on certain matters. I am always having my doubts on it. Of cos i m being more careful. I dun want to fall again or be bitten again. Somehow, i have a bad feeling abt this. Hmmmm, i am gonna be left rotting at the end of the day..thats wat i feel. Hopefully i m not left to such a stage, but it is possible. What has to happen, will happen, so lets just take things as it happens to us!

2010-07-08T10:26:00.000-07:00

hmmmm, yes i m a little sad.... the presence of someone would be so crucial for me now... but well, somehow, distance seperates us. Supposedly i was brought into this special day, by my bbf, exactly a yr back...where she said she wanted to always celebrate this day together regardless of how busy both of us were and whatever we were to be doing in our own lifes. Well, glad i took tt damn seriously. Before tt yr, she used to celebrate it with her bestie manju... but somehow, i felt happy tt day, on 9th july 2009, to have successfully filled up the void tt manju had left. I promised within me tt i would do whatever to make this day, for every successive yr, count! Haiz... one yr passes and i cant seem to do shit, jus disappointed with myself.... Somehow a msg from delhi has brought life to my dampened mood. Feel much better and it made me smile. Anyway, just like to take this oppurtunity to say thanks for everything..... so far, for all smiles and happiness u brought upon me and the changes u caused to happen within me and my life... sorry if I, at any pt of time, have hurt u...and i promise, to be a better buddy! No matter wat, i will never part away from ya, regardless of whatever bad happens.... I'll always treasure YOU and this Special DAY! THANKS Da for everything!!!

2010-07-06T07:01:00.000-07:00

Lots of probs with ppl ard me. A number of my gd frens having probs in their lives now. Feel sad for them, hope things get better for everyone. I've kindaf settled down in this new place. It doesnt seem like a place where it would be convenient for me to study, but guess i have to see wat i can do. Maybe i'll apply for exchange and get away from singapore for a gd 6months. It will be a gd time for me to reinvent myself and then come back a whole new person. Tts wat i believe but i have not fully decided on it yet.

Pretty sad tt one of my fren is extending her trip in india. But guess she needs it and it is a one time thingy. Its a gd experience for her to be there and to breathe some fresh holiday air before she comes back home, where she will be forced into a machine kindaf routined life. I support the idea of her extension. Gd choice.

World cup tournament is nearing its end. Been sleeping damn late all this while and wasting lots of time outside cos of soccer. Also have been involved in bettings. Lucky i have not lost any big money or wat. Got back all the money tt i spent on bettings. Hoping for a last form of income thru the remaining 3matches. And talking abt soccer, i hurt my ankle badly past sunday during our soccer. I sprained it the same way twice. Its pretty painful but i m trying my best to recover soon. Hope it will be alrite.

Reservist is just 5days away. I am so not prepared to go back to the army. Haiz. I'm totally not in tt same mentallityas before. Hopefully one week passes fast. The only thing i am looking forward in this reservist is the oppurtunity to spend time with my scout fellows. Been such long time tt i last saw them. Hopefully we dun get tortured inside.

On a parting note, life is full of ups and downs. For us to keep dwelling on either side of it for too long, is gonna damage our own lifes. Best is to move on immediately and go for the next step in life. Happiness and miseries wun last for very long, they do come in new forms from time to time. We have to adjust according to situation and live life. No one is perfect so life wun be perfect for anyone too. Try to live each day with a smile, at least then u start of each day happily! Hahaha! Adiyos!

2010-06-29T07:16:00.000-07:00

In life we often come to a point where we miss someone. They have to be such important part of our lives that we start missing them whenever they go missing. This has happened to me, only twice in my entire life. I have missed only two ppl so far in my life. However, both these ppl re ppl who re really close to my heart for different reasons.

The first individual here tt i have missed before and i am still missing today and will miss forever is none other than my MUM. No one can ever replace her presence and there is no one who could do something even close to wat she has done for me for my entire life. I was always a kid who never wanted to stay away from home since young. YEs it did slowly change when i started going for camps during secondary sch time but even then, the most that i will stay away from home will be like 2-3 days. The only reason why i never liked staying out was cos i could never stay away from my mum for very long. Jus looking at her and living ard with her meant so much to me and nothing can get better than tt feeling tt i had. I really started missing her when i went to the army as i was forced to stay away from home very frequently and for long periods. One of the longest periods tt i have stayed away from my mum was when i went to Australia, jus 3months before she passed away. I had to stay for a gd 30 days in Australia. Trust me, in the army, u see the guys calling up their gfs at night and they chat for very long. But i am happy to say tt i was probably one of the very few tt called up my mum each time and shared with her my moments. Even when i was miles away from her in Australia, i called her whenever i could. TTs how much i missed her. And i can safely say tt she was the only one then to have missed me equally much or maybe more. She is the only person tt i could feel such a thing from. Not only do i miss her, i also miss the moment tt occured when i arrived home after tt one month trip. The smile on her face was so wide like never before. She smiled from the bottom of her heart and tt was so evident on her face then tt it was glowing. Who else would have missed me like tt and loved me in such a way? Hmmmm, really miss her and those moments. Well she was one of the two individuals tt i have missed in my life.

The second individual tt i missed, more like am missing now, is someone who is not my family member. IT is also not a fren whom i know for very long. To be honest though i have known this person for maybe abt 3 yrs already, we became proper friends and started talking to one another only at the end of 2008. Even then we were not too close but gradually we became very gd buddies. Yes, the person i m talking abt her is my BBF. The first time tt i missed her was when i went for my australia holiday trip for a week. Till then, me and my buddy were meeting each other almost every other day. We were in special sem together doing the same module. On top of tt we also met outside sch then. And after special sem ended, there came camp kathiroli where my buddy willingly helped me up! We were always seeing one another till the end of that camp. It was after tt, that i went for my trip to australia. Gosh i have to admit tt i did really miss her. Once i was landed back, i rmb sending msg to a few frens tt i was back home. IT was 4am then! And guess wat, she was the only person who called me immediately and she was so happy to talk to me. She said this when i answered her call with a laughter, "omg, i miss that laughter!" Seriously, after my mum, for someone to have waited me to come back and who called me so late at night, they really should have loved me a lot. I am sure my buddy did and i was happy cos i had missed her that much too. I did confess to her abt missing her the following week when i met her. Cant forget those times.

And then the second time tt i missed her, was when i went for my thai trip and she left for her aussie trip. Just when i tot it would stop there, now comes the third time. This time she is off to india for like a month. Seriously, it was easier to tell her tt i missed her the last time round. This time, i m just scared and fearful of expressing to her tt i miss her. So many things have changed since then and tts why now i cant openly express anything,like i used to before. But fact is, i do miss her. It is not as if i cant talk to her and its not as if i cant msg her or wat. We still do talk by webcam and thru msges. But its just the feeling tt she is not anywhere nearby me. There were times tt i have just drove to her place just to see her knowing tt its tt easy. Whenever i feel like seeing my buddy, i could just call her up and ask her out. But now, i wouldnt be able to do tt. Glad tt two and a half weeks have already past. In no time, she'd be back here. And i guess she'd think i m probably mad for missing her, though its just like one month tt she is gonna be away and already 1/2 of the time has past. Furthermore, i am not her bf or wat, just a fren. So yea for me to miss her like tt, she'd probably think i m mad. But Fact is, just a yr back when i was in perth, tts the same way we genuinely missed one another, just as frens. That is exactly the way tt i miss her even now.

Haiz jus missing my buddy now and that was the reason for me to put up this post. It is not very often tt Garnie misses someone, but these two ppl tt i have mentioned here, are just so special to me, that they re being missed by me. Well well, Guess i'd wrap up my post here then, adiyosssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!

2010-06-26T21:36:00.000-07:00

As each day passes, it feels like something is taken out of me. I dunno wat makes me feel as such. Maybe its a combinations of various reasons. Whatever tt made me smile in the yr 2009, have all turned upside down. I never expected such incidents to ever happen but it did. And the best i can do is to live with it. As though everything is so perfect in my life, i have to step onto a new phase in life now. Even i dun know where the next step is but i know it is abt time. One thing i have realised in my life is tt the moment i become happy abt something and start to live with tt happiness, it jus goes away from me sooner or later. It just keeps happening.

I remember i was staying away from all troubles from the start of 2009. Just making sure i would be able to come out of the darkness tt surrounded me for an entire yr. A few incidents tt also made things worse then, caused me to just stay away and ignore watever tt was happening in my life. I seriously felt much better then. I didnt have to worry abt anything. LiFe was going on pretty fine and i was doing well in sch and all. After tt, a chain of incidents occured. A lot of things tt changed my life in a very huge way, happened then in 2009. As i said earlier, i felt happy for all of tt and i started living with it. Probably one of the best yrs for me. Haiz. I came out of the darkness much sooner than i expected. Thanks to one of them in specific for adding that colour to my life. The shift to the new place, reuniting with my sis was another major change tt boosted my happiness even further. Every change seemed like its for the better. The results in sch reflected how confident and happier i was.

365 days later, now i am standing here, lost almost all tt were the reasons for my happiness jus a yr before. How is it possible tt life has taken one huge 180degress turn? I really dunno but guess this is all fated. I realise i only have myself at the end of the day to help myself. Its just me alone. So far i have taken all the beatings life has been giving me and i am surprised i can still stand. But seriously i am wearing out. Withering away. As everyone would advice and suggest, i'm too am looking forward for a better future and hoping tt it would come soon....

2010-06-24T21:34:00.000-07:00

Haizzzzzzzzz.... Life has changed so much ever since the start of this yr... Who would have known tt i would be feeling like tt on this day... One twist after another and here i m left alone... Confused, sad, mad, disturbed, irritated and lost. Sometimes u wonder, cant we just go back in time?................

2010-06-19T06:27:00.000-07:00

Watched Raavanan yesterday. I loved vikram's acting a lot. Guess u gotta appreciate this kinda art movies if u wanna like the movie. If u re the singam kind of masala movie person, well u can forget abt watching raavanan cos the movie wun just meet ur needs. Anyway, there is one thing tt the movie portrayed well. A bad guy is usually not the bad guy always, and also a good guy will also have some negative shades to him. This is very true in our lives. Often when we see a person in a negative light, and when we tell our frens abt them in a negative way, the person is seen like as though he is a heartless villain. But for sure there is another side to him that was failed to explore and the story told might have even been a lie to make him sound villainish. Why i am saying this is tt such a thing occured to me not once but twice. I know for sure that some ppl have a very different impression of me now. They might even hate me. But truthfully, go ahead if u hate me. Seriously, i dun wanna change tt if tts the way u opt to see me. Its always those who never knew the full version of the story tt end up hating me. They just believe in entirely from wat they hear. Proving to these kinda ppl that i m not the person they perceive me to be, is surely needless.

I always try to learn from mistakes, be it my own mistakes or mistakes by others. Even recently, there was one such learning process tt i was involved in. And i think the way tt i have understood and adapted to the situation seems to be appropriate and well accepted. I have come to a point where i dun really care on how some ppl comment abt me, as long as they re not directly my frens and i wouldnt really be affected if anything was to happen regarding our friendship. On the other hand, if it was a close fren who is saying unreasonable things behind my back, i guess all i will do is to forgive and forget and if the friendship is really important to me, i totally would not shy away from any efforts to bring back the friendship together.

It is also important how we treat certain ppl. I have always believed in this policy. Regardless of whether or not u re talked abt or appreciated, once u choose to show care and concern for someone, just go ahead and do so. Of cos one impt lesson tt i learnt is tt i cant really do it limitlessly. There re boundaries to everyone. And i should not cross it even if it seems like everything is fine and ok. Cos one fine day, the unexpected will still happen. So even when doing gd to someone, u gotta be careful. The world and its people have changed to such an extent tt it becomes wrong sometimes to be too nice haha.

A gd approach to this kindaf problem will be to continue being nice and gd, and then disappear or shy away for some time so tt the deed done has sunken in. After some gap, come back again and show ur niceness again and disappear yet again. Well, the reason for disappearing is quite simple. Once u start being nice and keep doing so without a stop. it mite cos some kindaf suspicion to the person on the receiving end. Though there might be no intentions or watsoever, its just an insecure feeling tt we might give to the person if we re being too nice. Cos not everyone does things without expectations.

I am simply following this approach nowadays. It surely keeps me away from probs. Anyway, i m really low on cash now since i spent a lot whenever i was out. To make matters worse, my dad does not offer me pocket money all the time. He seems to like forget abt it quite frequently nowadays. Adding to that, i dun feel like going for the casino work again since it makes me look stupid. I m sure i dun have to go thru such sufferings. I sure deserve a much better kindaf job. So somehow, i am giving myself a free period for the next three weeks before my holidays come to an end.

Haizzzz. Somehow, life aint tt interesting like it used to be....

2010-06-15T09:11:00.000-07:00

Was such a nice day today! MEt up with junaidah after so many weeks of not seeing her. The last i saw her was for the EID open hse. Junda had to come all the way from her workplace, which is at chang yi. We met at city hall at ard 7. I knew somehow tt our outing will be short since she has her curfew. So we went marina sq, ate pizza together and we headed home. But well getting to talk to a fren like junda after so long made me feel so refreshed and good. It was really nice with her company. Some ppl definately know how to make me happy and she is one of those. Despite all the worries i have, just tend to forget them with frens like her ard. Thank you junda! You made my day!

2010-06-13T19:37:00.000-07:00

I feel so fucked up about everything in life now. I dun know why this is happening. Haiz. This yr has definately been bad so far. Bad news after bad news and especially now, things re reaching its peak. Be it family, financial or love, everything has been failures so far.

I wished i was just luckier somehow and was somebody else totally. There has been no peace for a very long time already. Last yr when i shifted in together with my sis and her children, life became much better and i was really happy about everything. The place was so near my sch and all of us were doing so fine. One fine day the news broke up within the hse that we needed to sell off and move out soon. And well, after getting so used to the place and settling down as if this would be the place tt i'd be in forever, this damn news came upon. I am more worried about my travelling to sch, my studying pattern and all. I was so used to my room and it was a very nice place to study. It did reflect in my marks for both the sems that i did while in the hse. Now its gonna be changed entirely and i'll never get back this room again. And tt scares me cos i do wanna perform like this all the way. Fuck laa. To add on, my hse was so near the damn sch. Tt was really a major plus pt as i have never gotten shagged since i could wake up much later for sch and when i returned home very late from sch, it was so damn easy. Now tt too will be changed. This is definately gonna affect. Cb laaa.

I know we had to leave the hse in a very short notice of time. And i understand my sis and bro in law re putting in tremendous efforts in finding a hse asap despite their very hectic schedules. But seriously, accessibility is the key thing i am looking at. Yesterday they told me its most prob bukit panjang. And from wat they described, it is a damn screwed up place in terms of accessibilty. They told me it has direct bus to orchard and central areas but tts not wat i'm looking for. My work place is gonna be at tuas and i have to be there by 7.30am each day. They told me it takes 13minutes to walk from the hse to the bus stop, then have to take either the LRT or bus to Chua chu kang. And worse still the LRT stop is one of the last stop in the line so reaching CCK itself takes lots of time. After tt i have to continue the journey from Chua Chu kang to pioneer. WTF. TT is long. ITs almost the same as travelling from yishun. In fact i think from yishun it was more straight forward. So much of hassle. Haiz. IT is at this kind of time tt moving in together might have been a wrong move. IT is very hard to please everyone.

For me my stuides are the most impt thing in my life now. My last leg somemore. I dun wanna screw up. That is why i m so concerned abt all this transport issues. I really dunno wat to do haiz. My dad is a major cause for all these to happen. If only he was responsible enuff, we could have avoided all this changes for the past yr. It is so fucking annoying to shift again and again. It doesnt reflect nice on ya too. I am totally sickened by everything. Haiz. Cb laaa. Now i dunno how to put it to my sis or bro in law tt bukit panjang is seriously a bad choice though the hse might be nice. Haiz. I seriously dunno sia. I feel bad cos they have been doing everything to run the family and here i am like complaining abt this kindaf stuff. But i have no choice.

With this prob up in my head, there are other things happening at the same time. And i dunno why. Am i really tt unlucky? Why isnt my time not gd at all? It is always bad infact. I dunno why this is happening but fuck i m just getting irritated with the way my life is. And i am losing hope tt it would get better. I cant wait to get my own job and settle down. TT is when things will take a turn. Until then, its gonna be shit life. Damnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn! This is so bladie annoying.

2010-06-12T10:52:00.000-07:00

well i have already started missing my bbf! There was never a day where we never communicated with one another. At least there would be some kindaf texting going on. But now, its a one month period tt i mite not be able to hear from her. Hopefully she gets internet connection or wat. Though i have so many frens around, this bbf jus proves to be one of a kind! Wish one month would pass by fast. With no Sunshine, life is gonna be absolutely Dull!

2010-06-02T20:48:00.000-07:00

Haha, well i am smiling. Cos i enjoyed myself the whole of yesterday and guess my very close frens aint gonna be happy. But well, truth is no one knows better than me abt wat happened and there re so much of history and memories involved and not just the arguements and quarrels tt these ppl know of. For me to have asked for and made yesterday happened was cos of the one thing tt i realised and appreciated. When i had to ask myself who was the one who made me smile the most throughout the past yr, there was only one name tt came to me and tts the same name tt made me smile for almost the entire yr. So many nice and sweet memories. How can i put the negativity before such lasting memories. Lucky tt i saw things in a pretty diff way and never got influenced no matter wat advice came to me. Not to put down all my other frens who cared for me so much and adviced me for my own gd, but guess i'm the only one who can see the entire picture clearly since its between two people.

The world woudlnt really agree with a guy girl friendship being so close together. But wat if it exist? There is sure gonna be more specualtions tt this wun last than ppl saying its alright. But wat matters the most is how the guy and gal recieve tt friendship and the trust they have between one another. I think i had to ask tt question yesterday to make sure tt i m trusted, cos the last time the answer was otherwise and tt really broke my heart like no other fren had done to me. But well, this time it was a more appropriate answer though it wasn't fully trust as the answer. Well i dun wanna influence any answer out of anyone, but wat i can say is tt i have been really tt truthful to the level tt i have not been to anyone else in my life.

I am quite irritated with how others re dragged into the picture between me and my fren. Wat ever probs tt exist is between the both of us. Be it the cousins or close frens, they have no reason to ask me to back off. Seriously who the fuck re they to say tt. I dun see why this ppl re so angry. They only know 1/4 of the story and not even 1/2. I wasnt too happy abt how one of the cousins reacted by wanting me to back off and totally stop talking. Of cos for him to have made such a statement, he should have been told a diff version of the story, and i think it wasnt fair for wat had happened to have reached his ears. But nevertheless, wat has happened has happened. But just to let everyone know, anyone who wants me to back off, no matter who it is, if u dare say it to my face, u'd probably gonna recieve the worst beating of ur life, no matter who the fuck you re. Nobody tries to break my friendship with someone for any reason, unless the person involved herself wants it to end. But i am quite sure that wun happen at all, i have my trust in her.

Guess enuff has been said abt tt. There are nicer things to talk abt which was yesterday. I dun know abt her but i did enjoy every moment with her. Truth is i am very sad tt she's gonna leave on the 12th for a period of one month. And it is definately gonna be very tuff to meet for almost the entire yr since both of us will be seperated by IA, work and sch. I wanted to do as much as i can with her yesterday. And yes coming to think abt it, a lot was done. Bowling, arcade, shopping, fountain and song dedication, dinner and finally we ended of at clark quay. I did enjoy the dinner surprisingly though i tot i wouldnt like the food. But i actually did. And for once, she was the beggining for everything!!!(for that dinner only actually haha). I was dispappointed with the laser dedication, really wanted to do it but damn, the plan jus failed. But nevermind, at least the dedication was read out. Guess i was still the beggining for that segment in her life haha.

She should be wondering why i wanted her to pick out dresses that she likes. I wun ask someone to do something without having something in mind. Just gotta wait for the answer. I hope i cleared everything with her though i couldnt really say everything i had in mind cos her frens had arrived by then. Well, hopefully there will be a phonecall or something else before she flies off. But well, i was happy just to see my buddy yesterday. It is a nice feeling everytime i meet her. I actually kinda confessed tt i was gonna laugh out loud the day when she was angry... hahaha. Coming to think abt it, i should have jus hecked it and laughed. Tt was the true feeling. Furthermore, me forcing myself to be angry tt day jus cos she was angry didnt bring out any gd. Damn, wrong move.

A lot of things could have happened but end of the day she is still important as a fren to me and i cant let it go that easily. In fact i will never let go. As far as i m concerned, this is one frienship tt is really diff in a lot of aspects yet very important to me and i will do anything to sustain it. My buddy will always remain close to my heart no matter wat, and guess tts wat defines the last word in the term bbf!!! I'll miss ya dearly bbf......

2010-05-30T08:49:00.000-07:00

soccer was damn tiring today but very fun!! glad tt we have successfully been playing for three weeks already. This entire week i was only able to book for one day of work. It sucks. I m really pissed working with this stupid organisation. Shitz! Anyway,watched a stupid movie on sat! Kitez. A very fucked up movie with almost thinline plot. The cast was hot though but wats the pt. I was not willing to pay eleven bucks for such a stupid movie. Hard earned money going down the drain so easily!

I realise one thing abt myself. I seem to like taller girls somehow. Girls who club drinks, girks who know how to enjoy themselves at the same time who can work and study equally well can be considered my type. Its tough to find ppl of such gd mix though. I am somehow not so into gals who re short which is a irony cos i myself am short compared to all my other guy frens haha! I am only 170cm. Well, it cant be explained why we ppl re like tt haha. Its just weird.

2010-05-27T21:12:00.001-07:00

Past week i finally got paid for doing work at Marina Bay Sands. I was suppose to work 4 days but ended up working for only two cos the company was being bastard. Giving me a fucking job tt for sure is not suitable for me. I am not trying to boast or wat but i think i m seriously over qualified for doing some shit job. So i decided to cancel my slots for tue an thur respectively! Nvm i have earned enuff to keep my weekends funfilled. hahaha.

There is somethings tt u'd never be able to forget or let go. There re also some things abt the past tt i cannot comprehend at all. I should have handled it properly from the start maybe, if not wat has happened today wouldnt have happened at all. I guess things might have been very diff if only the proper touch was given. And one thing is for very sure, all guys are manipulative. No guy can be that nice, its just the way that they deceive the ppl ard them. Time will reveal the flaws and ulterior intentions of ppl.

I have learnt thru hard and quite painful ways not to really share my emotions with anyone else. Tts the best way. Some will say its not good to bottle up ur feelings cos it will break u down. Haha. The reversed happened for me though and i dun wanna go thru such things again. Since i have always got the tendency to learn from my mistakes, i'll never repeat any of my stupidity in the future.

There is this person whom is my idol and i actually have picked out certain things from him regarding handling with emotions and all. Tt person actually said in an interview, "wat's the pt of telling people the way u feel, most of the time they hardly dun care. Just live ur life the way it is and take the things the way it turns out to be!" Guess thats the path tt i am undertaking.

For me to say this, there re reasons. Well let me just state out one. At a time where i didnt feel like telling ppl the way tt i feel and stuff, some of my own frens show lots of concern and wanted to know how i felt and they really were being there for me. Then it actually made me think tt, no matter wat, i'd have this one or two ppl who i can rely on to let out my inner emotions which i hardly let out to ppl who know me. I dun like to share my emotions simply because i dun want ppl to see me differently. They always thing i am a damn happy go lucky fellow which is wat i exactly want. Though i am like tt, i still chose to be diff to this one or two ppl. But then as time progresses, ppl change and they way that they behave towards ya change. I dunno why tt is so but well, thats the fact. They jus change. And when tt happens and u still believe tt they will be there to hear u out, u re totally doomed. U re simply gone shit. And tt day when u realise tt u cant really depend on them and they re not tt willing to hear u out like they used to, u'd really feel miserable.

Best is not to trust anyone. I have always been let down after trusting someone so so much. Therefore, i cant carry on doing tt. Whatever that has happened has happened and it cant be changed. For those who tell a diff tale with their own improvisations to the actual incident tt happened, just wanna say this to you'll. You'll know it urself that watever u are doing is to gain sympathy and so tt ppl ard ya dun see the incident the rightful way they re suppoose to see it. For a person who tries to hide the truth, they re the ppl to be blamed for watever tt happens. But well, all said and done, i cant be simply be bothered by ppl who have backstabbed me by saying things otherwise abt me behind my back. Though they think i dun know abt it at all, well i do. For me not to react at all just shows i simply have washed hands and dun care abt all this. It comes with maturity, something tt these ppl lack. And being the person i am, i have put all this behind me and act as if nothing has happened. But never take me for granted, a tiger stays low only to pounce later. I'm simply like tt. So be careful with the way u re to me. I'm not tt nice afterall haha.

2010-05-24T20:30:00.000-07:00

Hmmm!!! I dun even find it safe to speak out my thoughts here. I dun wanna send out any wrong meaning. But nevertheless, i'm damn well gonna miss someone.

2010-05-17T00:05:00.000-07:00

Finally i m at home recuperating! Been out the whole of last week, with very few hrs of sleep. Last week i was packed with so much of things to do, maybe its cos of EID i guess!

Well i have been hitting the gym quite regularly. Trying to discipline myself by going gym once every two days. Hopefully it shows the results in a few weeks time. Gymming is a great way to vent out ur anger and frustrations out. It helps u work out better.

Past monday i met rama and dhivya, seperately of cos. Though i have already mentioned abt meeting with dhivya in one of my previous post, just wanted to state it out here as well. Was quite a day where nothing much was planned but i ended up meeting the two of them, one after another. You owe me a handphone cover btw! Dun u ever forget!

I really cant recall wat i did on tue or wed, but i can vaguely rememebr myself watching kickass with sachdev, anusha and suraen. That movie, i thought was a sppof movie. Bladie hell turn out to be some violent movie. I liked it cos it wasnt wat i expected haha... though i wun really give it that good a rating. But well, its alright laa. I aslo went down to apply for some part time job. Guess i got in already with a pay of 7dollars per hr. Since i was broke the past week, i was desperate to take up anything and get money out of it.

Thursday, was suppose to be a simple day, where i had to go sch in the afternoon and take care of putting up of our EID posters and print the brochures and other important documents. I only wanted alex and sachdev to come down thinking that there wun be anything much to do. But sathish told me he would jus come down since he had nothing to do. So i jus told him to come. When i reached the nanyang audi where our booth was suppose to be set up, i was in a state of shock. I saw every other god damn team setting up and decorating their booth. And we, didnt even think of anything of that sort. All we thought was to put up our posters hahaha. We didnt think for long, straight away i decided we should get all necessary materials from the shool bookshops to set up our booth in a simple but respectable manner. We spent quite a bit for the materials to decorate our booth. Thank god that sathish came. Guess it would have been difficult with jus me sach and alex. We managed to decorate our booth in a record time of 1hr, playing with a simple colour theme of orange black white and very minimal gray. That actually looked damn impressive since all the other groups were messed up with various colours. I never expected myself to stay till like 7. But since we only knew abt decorating the booth the day before, we had to sacrifice our time. Well it was a gd job for a last min work. Afterwhich, we were suppose to print the necessary documents and guess wat, the fucking sch library closed. So alex sach and sathish had to head down to a public library to get it printed. I had to leave to meet up with anitha as promised. I didnt wanna PANGSEH her HAHAHAHA despite the ongoing work. I cabbed down to meet her, the cab didnt help my already financially broke situation. It worsened it actually. That was a freaking 20dollars plus.

Met anitha after freaking long. We couldnt meet the last time round since anitha had some last min work that forced her to "pangseh" me haha. But well, finally we did. We ate at some italian restaurant. Anitha had to rush off within an hr or so, therefore we didnt spend that much of time. But i enjoyed the time there with her as we talked whatever we could. And she ended of the day with a surprise. I usually give surprises to ppl but this time i was the one on the recieving end haha. She gave me my belated birthday presents. I totally didnt thought that i would be receivng gifts from her but she did. I dun wanna reveal wat the gift was, but well, thank you ya!!! hahaha.

Friday was my EID openhouse. I only got home at ard 11 plus that day and slept early since i had to be up by 6.15am. Headed down to sch and handled the rest of the setting u of the booth. Me and joshua also decided to go on an agressive marketting by pasting our brochures throughout NANYANG AUDI,which none of the other grps thought of doing. Best part, we left our brochures at the VIP seating area haha. I have to admit here that i totally had no confidence of even winnning a thrid prize for our product. I was amazed by wat other grps invented and how they made it work. Was really impressive. There was even a pt of time where the grp beside us, who had a very impressive creation, mocked at our grps for two reasons. Firstly, my grp had 7indians and one chinese. So definately we were looked down for tt. Secondly, they tot our product was nothing compared to theirs. I didnt wanna rebutt since their product did stand out.

The judges went ard and started judging every single team. When they came to our, we tried to bullshit our way through and it seemed as if the judges were only ok with our product. They seemed to be more impressed with the team that mocked at us. so i tot, aaiya for sure laa how can my grp win. During lucnh i and alex actually joked that if we ever got first, we gonna laugh our ass out. We totally didnt have confidence.

The competition ended and it came down to the prize presenttion ceremony. Immediately when the 3rd prize was announced for our cat, i totally lost even the slightest expectation that i had to win a prize. That was because the 3rd went to the team that mocked at us, and i tot their prodcut was freaking awesome. The second went to the other team beside us, which we tot could not make it, but well, they surprised us by getting second. So we just stood there being a bit disappointed that both teams besides us won something and we were like "losers". But damn, that feeling didnt stay for long, the first prize was announced and it went like this, "First prize goes to, TEam 042, SK-I-Walker". YOu re damn right, that was my god damn team. The first prize was worth 1200 cash prize haha. We were very surprised and shocked that we surpassed the other teams to win the 1st prize. The team that mocked us was also shocked hahaha. Tts it since now we had the cash prize and the trophy, we jus showed off in front of that bladie team. Was really overjoyed. I was so broke and i had 150 dollars to take with me at the end of the day. Not bad at all. A VERY IMPORTANT THING THAT I HAVE ALWAYS LEARNT AND THIS INCIDENT PROVED IT, SO I AM PUTTING THIS IN CAPITAL LETTERS: YOU'D GET SOMETHING WHEN U DUN REALLY EXPECT IT. IF U EVER DO SOMETHING AND EXPECT SO MUCH FOR SOMETHING IN RETURN, YOU'D END UP LEAVING WITH NOTHING.

Though i had little sleep for that whole day, i continued the day going out with suresh suraen and sachdev, looking for street soccer shoes and then ending off the day with tf2 after so long. Sat watched district 13, a sequel to the french movie district 12, that i watched yrs ago. Was like a typical vijayakanth movie so i didnt really like it. Sunday, finally started our soccer, that died down for more than a yr. Was happy that ppl came down to play though some pangseh last min. Bt well, its back and its going now. After the soccer, i was really shagged but i still couldnt afford to even breathe as i was suppose to attned to wedding functions. The vnues didnt help that much too cos one was in the extreme eat, and the other was in the central. I had to be at both events since i was invited for both and my frens who invited me were those that gave me the importance and asked me to be present no matter wat. Somehow, i managed to get to the weddings on time with the aid of my dad and then vishnu. I was really gone b the end of the day but well bth the events were awesome i have to say. Guess i shall stop here since this post is getting way too long. That would have shown how packed my week was hahaha.

2010-05-14T22:23:00.000-07:00

You Were Warned! But now its too late. Get Ready Now. Animal Instincts on Your Way!!!

2010-05-11T03:22:00.000-07:00

As much as i dun wanna say this out, well i gotta admit, though it was not planned and it was a very last min meet up, i did like it! There might be a thousand of thoughts in my mind before even thinking of meeting, but well, it made me smile at the end of the day. Whatever past or bad memory that could have possibly spoilt things, did not really exist within me at tt point of time, as i only felt a sense of happiness. And i dunno how i was only happy but thats the TRUTH! I returned home smiling! Sometimes, i cant even read my ownself!

2010-05-09T18:32:00.000-07:00

Everything was so fine right till the very end of yesterday, jus before i was gonna sleep. I was taken back to the thoughts abt how my mum would feel abt me if she was still ard. Guess i should have avoided any form of communication with people. The only person i was ok talking with throughout yesterday was anitha, and well she'd know why. Besides the both of us, no one would have an idea of how it feels. But well, i wasn't emo or wat at all, but my mood was jus turned ard as i said before the day was over.

Anyway i hate all those fucking asses who have to fucking wish their mum on fb! Cb as if their mum have fb like tt. Dun pretend laa u mother fuckers. Dun try to tell the world how much u care and gain attention. If u wanna wish, do it personally and take the initiative to do something instead of like wishing on fucking facebook. CCB, all u fucking asses who did tt. Oh, there re also some asses who would go ard typing on facebook status how much they miss their girls and how they re feeling down without them and so. Hahaha, i just feel this people are more concern with wat people will comment abt them. Fuckiing sympathy gainers. The people who u'll type to definately will have handphones. So please do it there and dun be some sorry ass gaining for unnecessay attention.

Anyway, i feel if someone cares abt ya, they would rather show it instead of just saying it. Cos a lot of my frens actually do show it. But well a certain few they hardly go beyond the extent of saying it and they usually go abt saying how much they care and all just that they dun show. Tts as gd as not even caring actually, cos u dun have to be afraid to show ur concern. I have come to a pt where i dun trust people thru their mouths. And well well, i am not a little bit concern on who does and does not show their concern. This is simply cos whenever u think someone cares, they will bring it to a pt where we do expect such concern from them as time progresses but that's when they start to neglect ya totally. And they have some weird reasons to back them up so yea. I have gone thru enuf of such acts so i dun feel like really sharing with people on how i feel. Cos i have never done that for those who know me, except with one or two. Anitha ,being one of the two, u have been nice in the sense that u have never complain abt me sharing my thoughts and they way i feel with ya. Thanks for tt. But besides her, guess I rather blog it out. Its only for the past yr or wat i tot maybe i'd actually speak it out to my fren cos i tot at least my fren would respond, whereby a blog doesnt. But well, i became an emotional ass by doing so, and it wasnt too well recieved. Blogs doesnt judge me based on wat i type at least, so its safe here.

Things have changed and i feel i am no longer the pleasant fellow who i used to be. I am living my life, without depending on anyone. It's only when u depend on someone and start believing that they'd be there for you, that disappointment sets in. So guess its better to stay away from such believes and hope, cos no one in this world is tt caring afterall, with very little exceptions of course! And i dunno why, i jusy feel very villainy nowadays hahaha!

2010-05-07T19:38:00.000-07:00

Mother's day!!! Let the whole world celebrate! Let them enjoy. Such a day to celebrate it with ya have been stolen away from me. The only person who have loved me back the same way i have loved them. This world doesnt have anyone else who can get as close as u could get to me. No matter how hard i try, i would never see anymore of that kinda love, from anyone else. If only u were here, i will never be complaining. Hurt deep withing but smiling on the surface. It is not my mistake tt i became an emotional ass. U suddenly laying dead in front of me wasnt an easy sight to digest. It took me a yr plus to wipe the tears off completely, tears that came out the same way as the first day itself. Even now they still do, just tt it is not as much as it was before. 21 yrs of smile and laughter, all snathced and turned ard me in a moment of seconds. Not that i have shown my emotional sight to every tom dick and harry. The very few, or the only one who i had chosen to show the emotional sight of me has put me down for gd! Shows that not everyone is acceptive of what u re to them. U were one diff person who accepted me for whatever i was and i never felt rejected. Till this stage of my life, i have never felt the feeling of rejection. But now its diff mum. The people who i end up loving a lot are the ones who reject me in the end. I'm scared to love mum. I m turning into a rock, without emotions as each day passes. I dun feel like caring for anyone. Everyone just leaves away, cos they re all revolved ard their own selfish worlds. U were the last person i knew who never cared abt ur ownself but cared for ur loved ones more. Gd that i m ur son and i have gotten that trait from ya and i am proud to be one as it makes me diff from all the other selfish asses out there. Watever it is, just want ya to know that i aint tearing this time cos ur son is stronger than ever from all the hurdles i have crossed. From All the hard learnt lessons abt love that has been taught to me the most painful way, i have become stronger. And i m never gonna be the same again with my emotions, there is no one else in this fucking world who deserves to see that sight of me! Even if i emote, it is not as though they will accept it with open arms. If i were to think that anyone would, there cant be anyone else more stupid than me. But nevertheless, i have to put up with all these kinda diff people. The best is gone and the worst has happened, so wat more can i lose. Anyway, hope u re safe up there and well to end this off, Happy Mother's Day to ya My LOvely Mummy. Ur re the best in every single aspect of my life and u will always be. U had not just been a great mum, but u were God to me. IF i dun pray to God, thats cos of ya. I dun feel God is any greater than u. Why believe in someone who has never been there for me, unlike u who have always been the one shielding me from every single dark sight of the world!! Haiz, but now that u re gone, i realise that the world is indeed a very dark place to live in. Miss ya forever My Dearest Mum... Hugs!!

2010-04-11T04:27:00.000-07:00

-Bewafa By Imran Khan Translation-

Listen to me darling,
Who/ what do you think you are?
What you do behind my back
Only you know this,
Stop giving me excuses
And be at least a little scared of God,
Go and learn how to truly love someone,
All of our moments together were a lie.

Unfaithful, unfaithful, unfaithful, that’s what you turned out to be
Fake love, fake love, fake love is what you gave to me
Unfaithful, unfaithful, unfaithful, that’s what you turned out to be
Fake love, fake love, fake love is what you gave to me

when ever you’re with me,
You get lost in your memories
You sadden me by saying his name,
Your happiness comes from him
I don’t need to say anything now,
You’ve already broken my heart, don’t break it more,
Whether I need you or not,
Give back the significance of out love.

Unfaithful, unfaithful, unfaithful, that’s what you turned out to be
Fake love, fake love, fake love is what you gave to me
Unfaithful, unfaithful, unfaithful, that’s what you turned out to be
Fake love, fake love, fake love is what you gave to me

why did you come into my life?
Why didn’t you stand by me?
You betrayed me,
Girl, give me an answer,
Tell me what my mistake was,
That you’ve given me this punishment,
You’re going to remember me and cry,
You’re going to remember me and cry!!

Unfaithful, unfaithful, unfaithful, that’s what you turned out to be
Fake love, fake love, fake love is what you gave to me
Unfaithful, unfaithful, unfaithful, that’s what you turned out to be
Fake love, fake love, fake love is what you gave to me

Unfaithful, unfaithful, unfaithful, that’s what you turned out to be
Fake love, fake love, fake love is what you gave to me
Unfaithful, unfaithful, unfaithful, that’s what you turned out to be
Fake love, fake love, fake love is what you gave to me
(sigh)

-Original Song Lyrics-

Gal Sun Mere tu mutiyare,
Ki samjhe apne aap nu?
Mere magaro tu Ki ki kardi,
ae gal bus tu hi jandi,
Menu sufayan pesh na kar,
rab kolo thora jeha durr!!
Sikh ja ke pyar karne de val,
jhoote sang sade ik ik pal.

Bewafaaaa bewafaaa,
bewafa nikli hai ti,
Ni jhootha pyar jhootha pyar,
jhoota pyar kita hai tu.
Bewafaaa bewafaaa,
bewafa nikli hai tu,
ni jhootha pyar, jhootha pyar,
jhoota pyar kita hai tu!!

Jado nere mere kol tu hove,
yaadaan vichh door tu khove.
Sanu sadni ae naa oda leke,
tenu pende ode phuleke.
Menu kuch kendi na hun lor,
mera dil torke tu na hun tor,
yaa tere chaida na ho,
saade pyar di nishaniyat tu mor.

Bewafaaaa bewafaaa,
bewafa nikli hai ti,
Ni jhootha pyar jhootha pyar,
jhoota pyar kita hai tu.
Bewafaaa bewafaaa,
bewafa nikli hai tu,
ni jhootha pyar, jhootha pyar,
jhoota pyar kita hai tu!!

Mere zindagi’ch kyu tu ayi?
yaari kyu ni tu nibhayi?
Kiti sadi naal bewafayi,
sanu de kuriyee jawaab?
dus de keri gul di,
sanu deriyee sazaaaa??
Rowe gi menu yaad karke,
rowe gi menu yaad karke!!

Bewafaaaa bewafaaa,
bewafa nikli hai ti,
Ni jhootha pyar, jhootha pyar,
jhoota pyar kita hai tu.
Bewafaaa bewafaaa,
bewafa nikli hai tu,
ni jhootha pyar, jhootha pyar,
jhoota pyar kita hai tu!!

Bewafaaaa bewafaaa,
bewafa nikli hai ti,
Ni jhootha pyar jhootha pyar,
jhoota pyar kita hai tu.
Bewafaaa bewafaaa,
bewafa nikli hai tu,
ni jhootha pyar, jhootha pyar,
jhoota pyar kita hai tuu!!

2010-04-04T03:36:00.000-07:00

Heya! I'm back after taking some time off from blogging. Not as though i wanted to blog today but well, feeling very lethargic and cannot get any work done. So tt might have been a reason why i ended up blogging. Anyway, my buddy is down with some stomach pain. Hope she'll recover soon. Feel a bit guilty of making her get wet in the rain a few days ago. Not just tt, in that kindaf weather, we stupidly competed on getting the longest time to sustain brain freeze thru slurpy. I actually suffered from a bad headache which lasted for one whole day after tt. But my buddy ended up becoming more serious than tt. Stupid us!!! Very scared now. She is now admitted to ttsh. Hmmm, i dunno wat to do now. Just feel worried. Haizzzzzzzzz.

ok, besides that, i just successfully completed a hell of a week. Hmmm actually it was two weeks to be exact. So many fucking things to do. I had to complete all that. But glad i have now come beyond that and have completed all my tasks. But usually one when obstacle ends, we face another. That is exactly the way it is in uni. Here comes the semester exams in 3weeks time. CB laaa. I am so not ready. Somehow the motivation and drive that was so high within me last sem has somehow disappeared. I need to get it back for heaven's sake. Damn damn damn! Someone pls come to my aid and motivate me. If not i am gonna be gone case! ;(

2010-03-06T19:41:00.000-08:00

Well well, after a few days of emoing, i think i have sort of gotten over the whole thing after making lots of clarifications. That could seem very fast but it is much easier my way cos i really see how the person really means to me. It was suppose to be really just friendship since the start and i have really made a strong mark for myself on tt aspect within that person. So guess i shouldnt divert from that. And coming to have realise that, i think its easier to move on. And thank god my friendship aint affected a single bit because of whatever tt has happened. The past few days i just wanted to get out watever confusions or questions i had that was bothering me. And i was not a little bit patient with the entire process and i wanted to make sure this emotional process, confusion doesnt last for long! So tt was a reason why i didnt wait to meet later this week and insisted on everything being settled asap.

Anyway, i just find it funny, or rather stupid of me for quite a number of reasons. The person tt i tot was very close to me, didnt know the REAL me. And tts not their fault. I somehow created a certain kindaf image with watever i said. Of cos i didnt think much at those times when i used to say abt stuff. I have always said things abt girls, looking down at them at times and somehow picking out one or two ppl to point out to and comment abt them. But that was taken in a rather serious way on how i looked at girls it seems. N i m to be blamed for tt. Cos i forgot the fact tt i was telling all these kindaf things to a gal itself. N i didnt even realise it at that pt of time. I dunno, i was being termed orthodox. hahaha. Well i dunno how true tt is. I have always wanted my future girlfren to be someone who doesnt mind to club, is ok with drinking and so on for many other issues. If she has tried smoking, so be it. As long as she is really very open and is understanding, tt is wat i like. I am jus very open abt the way i see things. That is the real me. I wouldnt even mind cross culture marriages. On top of these, Never would i control a person on how they re. I tot i have always shown the impression tt i accept a person for who they re. My girlfren could be a bitch to another person's eyes, but of cos to me it mite be diff. And somehow, i like ppl for their flaws. Dun ask me why but that has been the case. I never really wanted someone who was so close to perfect and so nice. I would rather want someone who has a gd mix of bad and gd qualities. I wanna really see the bad in them. That is me.

But oh well, my own fren, who is so bladie close to me, didnt understand me tt well enuff. I guess no matter wat, a very close female fren of urs would never understand ya the way a male fren would understand ya if u were a guy and vice versa. In fact, sometimes when i am asked for an opinion, i somehow choose to say things that mite please the person asking it. So i answered to those qns in tt aspect last time when i was asked stuff abt girls. But guess tt worked entirely wrongly. I guess i never really spoke abt things the actual way i tot abt it. I just had to talk like how a typical guy would talk to a gal the first time she asks qns like tt. N i aswered the same way as how a typical guy would answer, with a lie!

Not tt i tot it was very important then, so these kindaf things tt i have said never stood in my mind at all. Until when my fren told me that i am orthodox cos this is the way i saw things and stuff like tt, i think i just got a bit shocked. Cos those were in fact just mere statements, nowhere near expressing my character. I never tot i would be based on purely the things that i say. But i cant fault anyone for tt. I cant have expected them to know me any other way, cos wat comes out from my mouth is from me and therefore the tendency to believe it is higher. Well be it, if i think anyone screwed me on this, i screwed myself.

Lesson learnt: i shall never say things that is not really wat i believe or see in, though that mite be the kindaf image tt i would wanna have portrayed so that nobody would mistake me. I think its better to state wat i really feel and the exact way i see things instead of generalising my statements. And i should be really careful when i talk to girls next time abt stuff like tt cos i jus realised that i can be purely judged from what i say.

Life is a learning process. And i think i have learnt quite a bit from every single painful incident. I always believe things happen for a reason. And when things re to happen in life, it would happen naturally without being forced. So well, life is somewhat beautiful, but that is only if u dun wanna make it ugly yourself. So get rid of the pain, u have many things to gain! Adiyos!

2010-03-05T21:45:00.000-08:00

I thought i was the beginning for everything, but guess, i was proven wrong! I would never be... melum melum, urugi urugi, unnai indri engum ithaiyathai enna seivan???

2010-02-26T21:21:00.001-08:00

It all comes down to wat comes from my own mouth at the end of the day. I'm somehow starting to lose hope as each day passes. The ship seems to be sailing a very diff direction. N somehow i dun seem to have any control of it now. Every move tt i make confuses myself. I asked for all these. So i cant fault anyone for it. Why should it be that i m the only one who seems very unlucky with this particular thing in life? I dun understand but i think i have to accept the truth. I'm continuing to live in mystery....

2010-02-13T20:53:00.001-08:00

Hahaha! I am all smiles now! Cos i did what i was suppose to do. After planning so much for it though it was jus a one day thing, it turn out to be all worth it. Very satisfied. Its a joy when the person u re doing something for smiles at the end of the day cos of whatever u have done for them. If 11th of Feb is a day to forget for me, 12th is definately a day to remember! Thanks for letting it happen!

2010-02-10T08:18:00.001-08:00

it has been two years exactly since i last saw her! Hmmmm, i hope this day passes by without me tearing! I just hope i dun show how i m feeling to anyone!

2010-02-03T06:52:00.000-08:00

So many thoughts running up in my mind! And i have been keeping everything so deep down within me. It isnt too far for me to let it out but the process of waiting brings together a lot of shit with it! I have no control of whatever that is happening now and it makes me even confused and distracted. The frustration is up to a pt tt i feel maybe i should jus drown everything within me and cancel everything that is coming ahead. But somehow watever i have done gives me no option of turning back. But that was how i planned it from the start so tt i cant go back on what i am suppose to do! I've never been like tt. So many obstacles ahead. Dunno how i am gonna clear them all. God bless me!

2010-01-24T04:35:00.000-08:00

Irritated, frustrated and lost! This is exactly how i am feeling right now. Just no mood to do anything but i m forcing myself to. I seriously dunno wats happening to me. Jus feel like an asshole. Fuck this shit man.

2010-01-16T07:55:00.000-08:00

After nearly a year, i finally stepped into the temple. The last was last year feb during my mum's 1st yr anniversary! I didnt pray from then till now in a temple! But today, i did it, with utmost respect for someone who i have not seen in person but someone who i have lots of respect for! My fren's granddad! Felt gd praying after so long! Hmmmz. Nice feeling.

Anyway i felt really light hearted being ard with all the family members of my buddy! Was really something diff. An experience u will not get anywhere else. I would have been very sad if i wasnt part of it today! But thanks for giving me the chance to attend to it. I went down purely cos of my buddy and her granddad. I decided that i will be part of this the day that i attended the funeral. Jus wanted to be there and not cos of any inner ulterior motive or wat if anybody else were to think anything abt it. If u know me well, u would know what i m saying is true.

Well, i have waited for sometime already. More like i was forced to wait cos of wat happened. Nobody would believe me if i had told them tt i had a small interaction with god before what i was gonna do. And god placed a big obstacle right in front of me. I never saw it coming but when it did, i had no choice but to go with it. And i found out that rather than being selfish abt my own feelings, i cared more for what had happened. I like the genuine feeling that i have brought out within myself. It feels nice to be like that.

Its abt time that i actually let out wat i m suppose to. The time was maybe right before this but somehow it was denied. Now, i know that the right time is nowhere near. But for me to wait is to create an excuse for myself. My main worry is not to be fake. I have been genuine all the way and now if i am gonna hide this away, that would be the most terrible thing that i'll be ever doing. For that, i must reveal what i had to. There is this code that really represents what i am suppose to do! "Fortune favours the brave - you have to attempt it no matter how frightened you are… whether it's for getting work, girls, or anything."

I already know how the outcome will be. I even know that it might not be appreciated and it might cause some level of disappointment. But no matter how frightened i am on what the future beholds for me, i am still gonna go ahead telling it! I have to. There is no way that i should keep this within myself. Its just bad. Its quite a distraction within me. Letting it out will surly ease it. I have that belief! I'm really hoping for a proper outcome though i have my doubts abt it. But well, though it was only failure that i have tasted in my past attempt, i need to do this till i see success. Wish me luck. Well if u never got any sight of what i actually said for this entire post, well i m sorry. Hahaha!

2010-01-13T07:43:00.000-08:00

Damn Damn Damn!!! I m jus freaking pissed that i cant apply for INSTEP, the overseas student exchange as i dun qualify for the required GPA by just 0.001. This is ridiculous. Haiz! So close to it. This will never happen to anyone else except for me!!! This is really fucked up. Especially when u dun get what u worked so hard for!!! Wa dammit!

2010-01-10T07:43:00.000-08:00

You could live without anyone in this world, but not your mother! I miss ya mum! i miss ya!

2010-01-09T18:38:00.000-08:00

Damn, today is the last day of holidays and i feel totoally sucky!! Dun wanna go sch haiz! It will be an endless mugging period all the way. Anyway, cant help it but have to go! And damn i didnt get my elective this time around. Well i m definately not alone on this. Ryte now have to go thru the stupid process of appealing and the add drop period! Sucks la.

Enough of sch there, i dun even wanna think abt it for now. Well, glad that my buddy is alright now. It has been a few days already. I have tried my best to make sure i keep track with her each day and to divert her thoughts by asking totally unrelated qns now and then haha! Jus wanted to make sure she is feeling normal. It feels as though i am going thru the same process, thats how much affected i am by it. Feels as though watever that has happened has happened to me. Guess thats why she is my bbf! I think i hardly get affected by anyone else's issues but this is just exceptional!

I have been out the entire week. And i think i was only coming back home to like sleep. I dunno but i m jus trying to fully utilise my holidays cos i know abt myself. I will never get to go out that much after sch reopens. I watched like two movies this week itself, sherlock holmes and invictus! Both were very gd movies. Worth the money i paid. Besides the movies i have been playing lots of pool jus this week alone. Feels like my gd old jc days haha. Celebrated veera's bdae last monday and it was a small but nice celebration. He was very happy and i could see that haha. We also played bowling that day, was quite fun. Finally got to meet up with shalu sharadha ashwini and raja after like dunno how long. Never met these ppl for ages. But yea was a very short but nice outing. Nice to see all of them. I was somehow very distracted and disturbed for days before that. Guess i dun have to repeat the reason behind that but yea meeting these grp of ppl really made me feel much better. And thanks to rama haha. He just distracts my thoughts so bladie easily by talking nonsense to me non stop and causing me to utter even more nonsense. Hahaha. He was a reason for my heavy expenditure this week alone. He made me go to all those big restaurants and spend hell lots for food. Hahaha. And thur met up with my dear anitha haha! She brought me to the new sommerset building just outside of the mrt station. We ate at the italian kitchen there. The food was quite nice but the soup was like bladie hell so much. Haha. But was nice to have met her after a really long time. Enjoyed myself.

I realise that there re only a few ppl that i can actually explain everything inside my heart to. There was once someone said guys re more complicated than gals and i actually denied that. But now coming to think abt it, yes maybe, they were right. So many things going on within me. But i have to act normal in front of all my friends. There re only two ppl who know watever that is going on with me for now. I cant even say it to the person closest to my heart now cos its very hard. Wat a world this is hahaha! I hope it all ends up well. Its not in my hands though. There re some things that u dun have any control of. I'll let time take its course yet again.

2010-01-03T06:41:00.000-08:00

Was there at the funeral today! It is really painful to see someone you re so dear to cry. Was a very saddening sight! A few instance i got reminded of my mum's a year back! But glad i was allowed to come and help out. Really wanted to be there to show my support! And was happy to see her eat well, smile and talk in front of me after such a tiring and painful three days! I was impressed with the family's unity! Even among all the relatives and all, the unity was great. Something which my family relatives lack big big time. A moment which caught my attention and which i was so impressed abt was when all her cousins rounded and hugged each other to comfort one another! Was very touching. I got to mix with some of the family members too. Was nice to see how the entire family talked and treated the ppl ard them. Very nice family i have to say. Hope for everything gd for them in the yr ahead despite the huge loss at the beginning of the yr. Everyone should get only gd news from now on! Bless u all!

2009-12-31T23:34:00.001-08:00

A Happy New Year to All! Well just felt like blogging this out! I'm jus saddened by something! Wat a time for it to have happened! Haiz! Bad news at the start of the yr! Hope my buddy is alrite! Dunno how she's taking it cos i dunno the level of closeness between her and the granddad! Hmmm! Sometimes somethings re inevitable! I dunno why it has to happen at this time of the yr. Hmmm jus sad! And i think whatever that i had in mind, i gotta shelf it for now! Not a gd time for all that i guess. Never expected this to happen. But guess life must go on as per normal. I wanna help in whatever way i can! And i hope i'll be allowed to. Hmmmmzzzzzz!

2009-12-30T18:11:00.000-08:00

Hi my dear frens, its been such a long time since i updated this blog! I wanted to, immediately after returning from my phuket trip. But guess it took me another ten days to finally set my mind to blogging! Guess i'm not gonna go into details of the phuket trip like i wanted to. The photos in fb will roughly show how much we enjoyed! So i shall follow the saying," A picture says a thousand words!" So see from it.

As we all know, today is the end of the yr 2009! The absolute last day of the yr. The most appropriate post that i can come up with on this day would be to review my entire yr. In the review before this yr, u could notice how much suffering and pain i went thru for 2008. We shall see how this yr has treated me.

2009, a yr with many changes! All the changes were somehow for the gd. When compared to 2008, 2009 is surely a great boost! Its a really fulfilling yr, turning my life into a much better place.

At the start of the yr, i had to initiate some big change within my social circle. My results at the end of sem 1 yr 1 in 2008 was rather disappointing. I didnt get gd grades at all and i knew i didnt study well enough that time as most of my time was taken away from me somehow! And watching ur frens perform ard ya and u urself remaining in the shit hole really makes u look damn bad. That was what happened to me. I knew tt me stepping into the uni was a dream come true for my mother! She was so so proud of me that time. No words to describe that. But i realized i was traveling in a path that would not cos me any gd in my uni life. I wasnt doing my mum proud. And i was very demoralised tt i couldnt perform the way i actually could. Last min mugging never works in the uni! U have to be consistent all the way. I had to learn this the hard way. And thanks to veera for making a call to me right at the start of the yr and letting me know what my mistakes were and why i flopped! I did one gd thing then which was to take his advice. And i wanted to make sure that i turn everything over cos true fact is that there is no one that can help u if u cant help urself. With that being said, i actually stopped wasting time with a certain person. No matter how the truth is being denied, guess i made the right choice. And now when i look back, i am thouroughly satisfied that i took that decision then.

Sem 2 Yr 1 was a very challenging sem for me as i needed to get my GPA to a whole new level. If i were to flunk in sem 2, my end wasnt too far away. So i placed all my hopes on reviving my GPA with sem 2. Gladly, a few new names spurted out in my life at that pt of time and one of it was the most significant one! Somehow, i was motivated so much to do well by that figure and in the end, i did somehow well for that sem, pulling my GPA up as i wanted and getting me on a safer side. Thank You for coming into my life!

Following that, i did my special sem and the person who was a true motivation at that pt of time also did it with me. I really wanted to get my GPA one notch higher and had to score an A for marketting. Well i obtained exactly tt at the end of the special sem. That was the sign, showing me that i knew my way to score. As u can see, i dun have anything else besides the uni life to talk abt in the first sem cos thats how closely attached i was with my studies. Haha. No choice i had to suffer due to my poor performance in the first sem first yr!

Besides the uni life in the first half of the yr, i also learnt that the girl who i was once interested in got attached. Surprisingly i wasnt sad abt it cos i sort of got over all that in the later part of 2008. But i was a bit worried then knowing abt the choice she had made but now i think all is well hahaha! Was a gd choice i have to say. She was another person who has motivated me by being so responsible in life! Did learn the impt things in life from her. And now i am glad that we re gd frens.

I didnt have any love interest after that and i knew my priority was to do well in uni! So i stayed away from having any such thoughts with anyone at that pt of time. June was a very fulfilling holiday. Firstly, i took part in the camp kathiroli, purely to show my support for my fren. And glad i made her happy at the end of the camp. I was so on in the camp only due to one reason. If u volunteer to help, do it well. Dun be there for the sake of it! So yea, there iant much instances that u can see me being so enthu in something. And also, i asked dhivya to be my partner then as i knew i could click very well with her! And that proved to be a gd choice too. Camp kathiroli turned out to be one of the best camps that i have ever been to. Was a great affort and a lot of sweet memories.

In the month of June, me and my frens finally organised a overseas trip after yrs of talking abt it. It came true in June and we travlled to perth to visit our fren krish there and also to enjoy the sights of perth. Was a very relaxing and gd trip though we didnt engage ourselves in any activity there or wat. What can u expect in the winter period? I jus loved the friendliness of the ppl there. Was truely an unforgettable trip. Had a gd time.

The rest of that holidays was spent seeing all my close frens and preping up for the new sem, yr 2 of study! I totally transformed myself into a serious mugger for sem 1,year 2. I aimed a GPA of 4 for that sem itself, so that i can raise my cumulative to a much better position. And for that, i didnt go out on saturdays sundays and cancelled most of my outings. I guess i can count the number of times that i went out. Its like ard 5-6. Was a gd move i think. Never been so consistent with my work before.

Met another few frens in that sem. Junaidah was one of them. A very sweet person! Pls dun look down on me that i have so far only mentioned girls in my post. Haha! Its just that it is so much easier to click with the guys that i have made quite a number of them alomg the way. And given my character is hard to appreciate girls but i did appreciate these few personalities and that is why i m stating them here. Alex, a guy of cos, was another addition to my study grp. Guess it was a gd inclusion cos he really gave us the attitude to mug hard and do well. Thats the way i saw it at least.

After going thru hell that sem, i finally cleared all my exams. So question is whether i did as i wanted to for that sem! Whether all my effort, plus not going out, and shutting myself from all sources of distratctions served me well. Yes!!!!!!!!!!!! It definately did. Results came in a couple of days ago! And guess wat, i surpassed my expectations! I scored 4.11 for this sem alone. For all those hard work, finally it paid off. And once again, i had a few reasons to be motivated. Similar to sem 2 yr 1 that is haha! Thanks again for being a gd motivation. And also, my phuket trip. I was expecting a lot out of the trip. Didnt enjoy one whole sem and that was the time tt i can get everything out. So yea was a proud moment when i actually saw my grades. After a yr of struggling in sch, i have set my GPA to somewhere not so bad!

One huge reason of me doing well was partly due to the end of my family problems! There were so much of issues revolving between me, my dad and our house. Wasnt a place condusive to study then. But before the start of my sem 2, my sis brought out this plan which i saw as the only solution to my dad's problems. It was to shift in together into a new hse. And that too ended up being in pioneer, being so near to my hse. Initially, i was so paranoid and worried abt it. But now, i am very very happy that we made that decision. It brought me laughter, a gd place to study, a new form of luxury and no room for me to worry abt family issues. Thanks to my sis and my bro in law for being such great ppl, bringing such a change into the family!! I m glad that finally i see family members ard me, instead of the four walls that i was stuck in back in Yishun!

Phuket trip, one of the highlight of the yr i would say! Wad a trip! Gosh! Tremendous! I enjoyed it in every possibe way that i could have. Did fucking lots of stuff! A fantastic way to end off the yr. Was a gd way to relief myself off all the stress that i went thru. A few incidents did happen there. And somehow, it brought out a new change in me! I finally realised wat was in my subconscious mind! Hmmmm! Finally, something is happening to me! hahaha.

When i came back, it was time for x mas. Celebrated the eve in a very simple manner. With dev and anu at vivo and guest appearance by my one and only nephew! Was a simple yet nice outing. I got the time to talk to anu after a long long time. And going out like tt actually gets my mind off what is bothering me so much right now! I m jus not myself! Purely disturbed!

X mas, spent with my family! We went to jack's place! Finally had turkey for xmas. Was nice. Great dinner that was. Thanks to my sis and bro in law for that too. Besides all that, for the second half of the yr, i saw a few of my close frens getting attached! Especially those in my grp of frens in sch. One by one. Feel happy for them. And i have somehow developed this sense of loneliness. Hope it would go away soon. Finally got to meet rama too after one whole yr that he locked himself in his place to study for A levels. Glad that he has now completed it. Want him to come NTU. And i wish he did very well for his A levels. Would be nice to go sch with someone who was ur fren since primary 1. Hahaha!

As u can see, though not much have happened in yr 2009, it was still a rather gd yr. There were no big forms of sorrows that i can remember for the entire yr. That itself is a big thing. And i thank whoever up there, for bringing in some really nice ppl to my life for the yr. Will always cherish all these ppl throughout my life! And this is also a yr that i missed my mum lesser due to the nice and fantastic ppl ard me! I hardly thought of that incident which separated her from me. Thank you mum for a wonderful yr. And i always know tt though i cant see ya, u re still here with me, guiding me! Thank you and i love u lots!

As i look ahead into yr 2010, i can see that there is gonna be a huge change in my life. I will initiate it right at the start of the yr. Whether it turns out to be gd or bad i wun know! But it will be everything that i have pinned my hopes for, for now! Lets see how things go. Wish all the ppl ard me had an equally fulfilling year. Let's step into the new yr with much joy and happiness and make it yet another awesome yr to spend our lives in! Happy New yr Everyone! Love ya all!!!

2009-12-15T03:14:00.000-08:00

Alrite it has been exactly one week since exams ended and seems like i have done hell lots of shit from then till now!!! First of all, i overnite like twice within this 1 week period! One day was gone for tf2 and the other day was for drinking. We wanted to have a after exam or end of sem celebration! Besides tt had to settle stuff for thai trip. Yesterday went to change the currency and we also ate at gayathree's! Rama is also going overseas, to india for like 3 weeks! So i guess yesterday was the last time i saw him for this yr. Gonna be boring a bit when i return since both my bestie and bbf will be out of singapore when i land! Haiz.

Speaking of my bbf, well i met her on fri for a hindi movie titled paa! I never fail to enjoy my time whenever i'm out with her. Regardless of wat we do. She's just too nice. I tot the movie was actually gonna make me tear but in the end she teared for the ending hahaha! Not many ppl get the priviledge to see her tear eh, but i did. Was a real nice outing. She's been such a great fren for this entire yr. Seriously, a new addition to my life, spicing things up. I really feel so blessed knowing someone like her. I was thorougly motivated by her during my first sem in sch. And i also ended up doing well. Not just tt, she went on to actually help me out for camp kathiroli. I actually asked two others who simply refused when they heard the name aarthi involved. But my bbf didnt really take too long to give me an answer. In fact she agreed to be my partner immediately after i asked her. That is One reason why i feel i owe her so much till now! Really thanks for all that. MArketing wouldnt have been fun without my bbf doing it together with me plus al the journey back home which made us much much closer, i can never forget them. Really thank you for all those nice things u have done for me which i think i dun wanna mention cos i keep this kinda things more to my heart. As i have mentioned in my previous post, bbf is no doubt the fren of the year. Glad that i chose to become frens with her. Its very hard for someone of the opposite gender to be genuinely nice towards u these days. My bbf is an exception of sorts. And for that, i respect ya a lot. And yea, initially many sources had told me vaious stuff abt her tt caused me to avoid her a little. But its only after i personally gotta know my bbf, that i realised all those stuff said abt her was bullshit. Its how ppl make assumptions. Guess there aint anyone else better than me now, who knows abt my bbf as much as i do. Ask me if u wanna know abt her, i'll give ya the facts! I really feel for such an awesome person to have been avoided by some fren of hers. It sucks to know tt ppl cant appreciate true blue frens who care for ya. All i wanna say is tt no matter who u lose, garnie will always be by ur side, cos tts how much i owe you. Gonna miss ya a lot my bbf. 3 weeks of not seeing ya is seriously no joke. In fact tts the only thing tt saddens me now. Just wanted to write something abt my buddy since both of us wun be seeing each other for quite some time and seriously speaking, she deserves something like this for all that has been done for me. Seriously wat i did is nothing compared to the change that has been brought out in me by my bbf. THANK YOU ONCE AGAIN FOR EVERYTHING.

Besides all these, i actually gotta watch two other movies. 2012 and the new moon. Both the movies were gd in its own ways. New moon i watched with junda and she is another fren who really cares a lot. Really feel blessed to have made such nice awesome frens. The company was gd and so was the movie. 2012 was with my sji guys. We paid only 7 dollars for so much of graphics and special effects. thats why i felt tt it was so worth it watching it in cinemas.

Also did a little shopping with rama. The both of us never bought anything for ourselves since the start of the yr. We didnt even spend our money on any big outings or wat and neither of us clubbed since the start of the yr. Thats one reason why both of us went on a spending spree. I bought three things instantly the moment i saw it. Usually i take time to buy my stuff but these time round, i was just very keen on buying things tt catches my attention. Not just the shopping, we actually forced the others to eat with us at expensive places. All the food were damn nice.

Anyway, i am now very particular abt my diet and all. Have entirely stopped drinking coke and no more ten or 11pm meals. I eat salad at ard 10 if i m still hungry with low fat cream. So far have only been taking orange or some other fresh juices. Well the reason for all these trouble is tt i am determined to get my six packs by the end of two months. I have already lost considerable amt of weight and have my stomach sucked in already. Now just need proper cuts to get those abs defined and i'll be done. Really quite cool to have such abs, especially when i get to show it off to the chinese guys who think indians will never get such abs. Hahaha, no offense to all my chinese frens, but its true tt we ourselves spoiled our image by drinking lots and spotting a beer belly and all. Not your fault. But i feel gd tt i am no longer part of the beer belly community hahaha. Well though its tempting to eat some stuff at times, i am really restricting myself from all those. What i am telling myself is tt, for all those sacrifices i am making now, i will get a very big price, which is the abs. That is one thing tt is keeping me motivated. And yea, this thai trip is gonna break my momentum hugely and i dunno how i m gonna cope with it. somehow must find time to train while i m there too haha!

Alrite, just wanted to say all these. I'll be off to thailand from the 16th to the 23rd. So dun miss me so much haha! For those who re happy tt i am not gonna be here for a week, gd for ya too. Enjoy urselves haha! Anyway very sad abt one thing tt i really wanted to settle somewhat soon. But guess time didnt permit me to. Haiz. There is only one person who can help me out of this but guess i should just suppress it within me. It would have been gd only if i had settled it before i left to thailand but guess i cant reverse back time or wat. So yea, too bad lor, unless some miracle happens and i am being helped out. Alrite alrite, guess i have said enuff. Its gonna be damn bladie fun for the next one week. Damn bladie excited. Bye all my frens, will be back with a bang from thailand! See ya'll and take care!

2009-12-08T19:32:00.000-08:00

OMG!!! OMG!!! I cant believe but guess what, my exams re finally over!!! it was like a prolonged stress period and tremendous torture i went thru for weeks!!! Practically like living in hell while preparing for exams! 6 exams to sit for is really no joke. My exams from what i know started one of the earliest, like on 20th november, when compared to my frens. But i ended only yesterday, which was on the 8th of december, the absolute last day of exams in NTU! But well, somehow i am past that stress period and finally having a sigh of relief!

The exams went well for me this time. As in i have never really studied to this extent! It was like pure hardcore mugging! My day starts at 8am and ends at 12.30am! Thats how long i sat down and studied! Hopefully the effort pays off cos i have really pinned high hopes on my GPA shooting up by quite a bit. Please wish me for the best hahaha!

Anyway, my motivation all this while to study hard, is the thailand trip that i'll be having from the 16th to the 23rd. Firstly, i need to thank suresh for being an excellent fren and co-ordinator for the entire trip! He practically did a one man show in coming up with the entire trip's plans and stuff. Way much better than any agency can offer ya. Can ya believe he actually went to the libraray and the thai embassy to get information so that our trip will be worthwhile. Really hats off to him for that. And he never complained a single bit. Didnt even wanna bother us cos he knew we had exams and he didnt mind at all planning all by himself. Well, if it was someone else, i wouldnt trust them in the planning but this time its our own suresh! So i really knew he was gonna do a fantastic job but he surpassed tt ater i read his detail plan about the trip! So for all that, Thanks for everything Suresh! I think i at least owe ya this much! Guess this trip will be one notch higher than the previous aussie trip in which we already had a great time, cos the activities for the thai trip are as such. I seriously cant wait to let loose hahaha!!! Its a no rules no regulations kindaf enjoyment that i can only have with these guys! Imagine ater mugging and being studious for 4 pure months, this would really be a one time stress relief for all that hell i went thru. Great great great! Damn excited. hahaha.

The thai trip will make up for most of my plans for holidays. Other than that i wanna spend time with all my important frens. The list goes on. I wanna meet up with shalu, raja, ashwini, shameni, sajeev, se wei, prashan, sameera, my army guys, Gabi, veera and gang, no doubt my sji frens (including my bestie rama, anu, kursie, vidya, yu yang, wei an), anitha, junaidah and my BBF(fren of the year)!!! Hahaha! Of cos i am most of the time out with my sji guys and they definately top the list cos its a never ending excitement and joy meeting up with them. And Rama is all free cos he finished his A levels so i have no worries on who to call whenever i m bored cos i know he'll be there. Hope i didnt miss out any names of close frens cos this was really quite a risk putting up names of ppl who i wanna meet. So pls frgive me if u think u didnt see ya name but ya know u will meet me! hahaha! And yea, i wanna meet vishnu when he comes back. He is such an awesome brother. Never seen him for ages since he left for overseas exchange. Glad he is finally coming back. oh ya i really wanna see sara. Ever since that fellow went army its been damn hard to meet up with him. I still rmb the times where sara, suraen, suresh, me and krishna were like meeting up very frequently during our JC days. Really must make the effort this time to get him to meet us.

One fren tt i have not spoken in ages and not in proper talking terms is vicky. Well, despite all the rough times, there were still some nice things that he has done for me as a fren. Like really great stuff cos only someone very close to ya will do such kinda favours and all. So guess i sort of regret choosing the path of not talking with him. I dunno, just something that hit my thoughts recently. Maybe its time that i actually like forget the past and talk to him normally and include him in all future outings. But still, i dun wanna step down from my ego and make him feel as if i need him there as a fren when he doesnt. If thats what it will turn out to be, then i really wouldnt wanna make any decision of remoulding the friendship. I dunno how to go abt this issue, so i need comments from a third party. What do ya thing i should do? hahaha

Ok, i dunno i am jus tempted to type out so much since i havent for ages. But yea guess all this is coming out real naturally so i shall continue. There is one thought that has really hit me recently. Like real deep down my brain cells and heart. After working so hard and knowing that i am capable of understanding wat my priorities are, i think its time for me to have some kindaf interesting things happening in my life. I am feeling a bit lonely nowadays when it comes to relationships. Almost all my closest guy frens ard me re attached and that leaves me like the only one who seriously has like no one to begin with. I dunno if its a sad case but yea i m now, quite affected by it after seeing one fren after another getting attached. Since i know the way i work and how i have set my priorities, i think i should go ahead with finding someone truely for me. Had been single all this fucking twenty two to twenty three years and i think its abt time tt i start somewhere, which is now.

Really a deep thought cos i wanna have that someone whom i can feel for, love and do whatever i feel like doing. Being stuck to my books all day and caring only abt my sch work and stuff has really made me gone mad! Guess i need this huge change in my life, to make life meaningful as it should be.

So who should it be is the question that arises when i am thinking abt such stuffs. Hmmmm, i really dunno cos nowadays, its very hard. I am not the kind who gets to know girls easily, nt now especially cos this is no longer jc. I hardly have time for myself in uni to spot for someone. The social circle is getting smaller and smaller so its hard to meet some one ultra new, like someone who suddenly falls down from the sky or pops out of no where. Its not like in the movies. So, if thats the case it has to be someone already in my life. But thats a scary thought to bring in, cos i dun wanna affect any of my friendship with anyone unless there is really some special kindaf feeling going on, which i highly doubt from anyone in the first place. Hahahaha! Cos when the name ganeshan comes out, the first thing they will term me as is a fren, just a fren!! I was never a choice for relationships. Maybe thats the way i have been and have portrayed myself, so maybe tts why! haha. Haiz! Sad sad sad. It just has to happen yea? Maybe its like never for me or maybe its not just time. But yea i am really stating this out as this is one damn thing that i really affected me in recent times.

Oh yes, need to bring out this topic though i think it mite cause some really heated up emotions from certain ppl. I have been deleted from someone's facebook account and this is the first time someone has ever done that. I was kindaf surprised more than shocked actually. Cos seriously, there is like no issues directly between me and that person. There were no arguements of sort but still, i was hated so much that i have been removed from their list. Hahaha! I dunno la, not tt i am very mush affected by it. But i think the reason for deleting me and such is really quite childish to begin with. I have been termed as a "bad guy" by a certain grp of ppl for obvious reasons. Well, seriously, there re two sides to the coin. I hate it when ppl only see one side of it and make a judgement. But in this case, i dun think i am affected at all cos it just shows how simplistic this ppl re. Everyone has their own choice of actions and i had to take this step in order for a better outcome for whoever was involved. I jus really thought things were getting a bit out of hand and something had to be done. And its not the first time such a thing has occured in the other person's life. Its just a repeat of events. And based on that, i dunno why i m faulted entirely. I seriously cant make everyone happy. I know my close frens know who i am and that how much i mean to them. Thats enough for me. Seriously. I have frens who would just do almost anything for me and know me inside out. With these ppl ard me, nothing like tt affects me. So if u cant see the value in my friendship, why not, delete lor. Seriously no loss for me. As i said, i cant satisfy everyone. If u fail to see my reasoning, thats purely not my fault.

Well, in november, besides my exams, quite a number of big incidents occured. Firstly, hema's wedding. I really regret not going for it. Seriously i couldnt risk it cos it was just at a time of my heavily contented paper. So i had to sit down and mug for it. HOpe hema really understands and no third party rubs it in to her on how i didnt even care of not coming and all. I wouldnt state it here if i didnt care so yea! Hema is really a nice person so i really regret not being there, in such a memorable moment of her life. But of cos my sincere wishes to her for a wonderful and happy life! She definately will have. So yea really sorry i couldnt be there for the wedding! Another incident was my dear fren shalu's grandmother passing away. She was really stressed up about it when she called me when her grandmother was in the hospital. And i really hoped for everything to be fine for her. But it turned out in such away, that no one could do anything abt it. This kindaf things just happens so its hard to prevent it. Its just better to get prepared. And i didnt go for the funeral. Hmmm, i really would have if not for the exams cos i really wanna be there for such everts cos i know tts when a fren really needs ya! Even if ya miss a happy occasion its ok cos ur fren will still be happy. But for a sad incident like this, u gotta make an effort to be there to support ur fren. Well, i couldnt be there at such a time, so i sincerely apologise for that.

To end it off for this post, i would like to say i am freaking happy with the way my family has moulded. Its really nice to have family members ard me. Unlike times where i was contained within four damn walls and had no one to talk to. After many many years i finally saw a family celebration for my dad's birthday. Was really so so happy that day when i got to feed my father and he fed me! Haiz! I dunno i just feel i am getting less and less closer to him as my age increases. Dunno! Its just a very sad thing! I really really love him to an extent that i can say i have no one else after him. Seriously i dunno what i will do without him. I was really touched when i saw him take a pic with my mum's photo cos he wanted her to be included in the celebration. Really a moment that made me tear. I never had such a joyous moment with my dad for very long. But again, i dun wanna set high hopes cos my life has always turned bad whenever i m too happy abt something. I wish she was here with us to see all these. She would love it! Being in such a lovely house and being together is one thing that will really make her smile. And of cos seeing her son studying so hard in the uni would really make her feel so so much happier. Haiz!!! Guess i m not lucky enough in that sense. The most impt person in my life is not there. But no matter wat, watever i am doing now and if i am mugging so so hard, its not just for me but its purely for ya!!! I really want ya to be proud of me, like the way u always have been. Nothing satisfies me more than u being proud of whatever i am achieving. I just want it to get better and better. Miss ya dearly MUM. That word is so strong that it makes me tear anytime i say it! Hmmmm, i dunno, it jus pains me to realise that its a never used word in my life anymore! Something that should never happen to anyone else. But i wun end this post on a depressing note. No matter what, i will keep smiling, cos i know thats what really matters to ya the most! So yea, i am smiling mum!!! For ya! And pls bring the precious girl of my life to me. It is about time hahahaha!!! Just show her to me somehow i say hahahah!!!!

2009-10-31T09:56:00.000-07:00

Wow, its really been quite long since i last blogged!!! Not tt i had nothing to blog abt. Just tt i couldnt find time to blog. Well well, a lot has happened in life. Not really for me though but ppl ard me!!!

Alrite, anyway wanted to post something abt the deepavali celebration at my place with my frens! For many many years i never invited ppl over to my hse to celebrate or wat. I never got to celebrate deepavali for the last three yrs in fact. So this deepavali was jus something new for me. Last sat i invited two big grps of frens. The first half of the day i invited all the ntu ppl of my batch whom i am close to! I also called ashwini and raja though they re not ntu or nie cos they knew the ppl who were coming down to my hse. My main aim was to make sure everyone knows one another or at least knew enough ppl to mingle ard. The purpose of tt was to make sure they dun get bored at my place. I think it was a gd thing tt i chose to do tt. Could see that they all had some sort of company ard. They played taboo, heart attack and some of them drank. It was gd to see the food finishing and ppl going for more than one round. I personally selected the dishes to be cooked. Happy tt my frens too liked it! Was tiring i have to admit but still i enjoyed myself in the process. Evening time my sji guys came and it was nice having them over. All stayed at my place till late. Hope they had fun.Cos i definately did. Feel so good to have done something like tt for all my frens. Was really an awesome day!

I just want to apologise to some ppl whom i couldnt call though i really wanted to fit them somewhere. Just that when i was readying my guest list, i tot these ppl would be left out if they were called. And i didnt want my gd frens to come to my place and feel bored. So yea i tot its better that they were not invited. Another issue with the invitation of some grp of ppl was that they were girls mostly and i was very particular in not making the crowd more of females than males. I rather had it even or more to the male side. No matter how open i am, my family is still Indian so I had to make sure they dun get the wrong impression of me hahaha! So once again sorry to those whom i didnt invite! And especially to anitha cos i really wanted her to come! Sorry buddy! I'd make up for it!

Life has been very stressful as of late! Too much to study and some of the lecturers are really fucked up. Dunno why the sch needs china prof to talk to us in english. They simply cant do it! And even their notes tend to be fucked up. Have u ever saw maths notes with plenty of words, as if it was like some essay based subject? Really terrible! Anyway was having tests after tests and that was one reason why i couldnt blog.

I have come to realise many things very clearly. It just takes time for our minds to somehow understand watever that is going on! Good that now everything is well for ppl ard me. Glad that some of them got wat they wanted.

Yesterday i had one final outing before exam period sets in. It was with dhiv and palani. First time i met up palani in person and i think he is a very nice guy. We watched aadhavan which was nice the first half and bad the second. So i will just give it a pass. After which we ate at some japanese place. The food was nice but i didnt have tt much of appetite surprisingly. Dhiv was suppose to leave after dinner with her cousins for yet another movie. That was like a last min thingy so me and palani's idea of spending the nite together with dhivya was almost spoilt but somehow, we tot we all should spend the time out till very late. We waited for dhiv and her cousins till the movie ended and after that, we headed to some place in yishun to drink away the nite. Was really fun getting to know all these great ppl thru my bbf! So for tt and for the awesome nite, thanks buddy!

Today i had to spend the whole day at home studying. Feel so damn tired now that is why u see the lack of spice in my blog. Dunno wat shit i am talking. Just so tired tt i want to sleep. But there is this man u match tt i think i'm gonna watch. Haiz. Alrites guess i should fill up this space some other time. C ya ppl!!

2009-09-25T19:49:00.000-07:00

Finally its recess week! I had never got to keep away from my notes and books before this period. Studying everyday and even every weekend for real long hours can be quite sick. But well somehow tt help me to clear most of my tests with ease! Recess week is a gd time to take a bit of rest. Maybe like the whole of yesterday and today. But i cant afford to waste time after tt cos the recess week really matters from wat i realised last sem!!! I've gotta keep my momentum going!!

I am very pleased with most of the issues at home. Been a long time since i have said such a thing. I think it was a great idea of staying together. My niece and nephew never fail to make my day and they help me forget my problems nd all! Everyday i jus spend some time playing with them. I'm quite influenced by the way my nephew is tt sometimes i do whatever he would do in sch hahaha! But its a gd feeling. Becoming a child again.

I am quite proud of my sis and bro-in-law. I always loved hard working ppl. And i can see them really putting in tt effort in life. That is why they re where they belong to now! I am awed by the hours tt they work and also how they skip lunch for the entire day and eat only one meal at nite. Definately i wun be able to do so!!! hahaha! Talking bt eating, i have really cut down on my food intake just to lose weight on purpose! I dun eat my usual heavy supper like last time. I wanna tone myself in such a way tt i wun look fat from any angle!! haha

2 days ago on 24th sept i was very sad. Cos it was my mum's bdae and i couldnt do anything for her. I initiated the house being vegetarian and told my maid to cook vegetarian for everyone. I had great difficulty in sch not eating non veg. But i jus did it. Well the day past quite wel cos i have a few frens who were trying to make me smile knowing wat was going on. Feel so gd to have such ppl ard.

Had a real terrible week studying for 5tests. Gd tt they are all over now!! Anyway gotta mention abt one of my new frens whom i jus came to know. Her name is junaidah! A real nice fren i have to say and i feel so blessed getting to know someone like her. So innocent and nice tt u know tt she'll be there no matter wat as a fren! U dun see that many genuine ppl ard nowadays. Especially when it comes to girls. But she is jus really nice and she doesnt expect anything out of me when helping me out. Never fail to bring the smile in me cos she practically laughs for the entire day. Never seen her not smiling. So feel gd tt i have met such a fren! She brought for me hari raya kuih and all. Was really nice. Liked it a lot! Its gd to have nice ppl ard!

Last week sat i had the chance to go out with a few nice ppl!!! Was a very last min thingy. It was a drinking session somemore! Somehow chose to go but i really tot it was a nice outing. Gotta ease of from stress before the test week! The frens there were also very funny and active. I felt gd being ard with them. Hope they share the same sentiments haha.

I dunno wats happening to me nowadays. I have a very weird kind of thought. Hmmm. Dunno why but yea. Guess i miss someone quite badly!! Dunno why suddenly but i do. Cannot stop thinking. Hope everything has a reason behind it and tt it will end up gd. Jus hoping for something gd. Actually i hate hoping cos it never happens when i hope. Hmmm! Let's wait and see!

2009-09-04T03:27:00.000-07:00

Deep within a feeling of sorrow that i cannot tell the world and explain. Its so painful, but i think i have asked for it! Guess its time i need to know what's reality and what's not and stop living in a world of dreams. Me aint the ace among the deck of cards nor am i the most beautiful among the bouquet of roses! What we re is what we deserve. Guess life doesnt want me to taste the most vibrant and everlasting experience. Rather a dull and dark one best suits me!-NESH

2009-09-03T07:49:00.000-07:00

Today has been a very tiring day! Had only one hr break from like 1030am till 6.30pm! And i didnt rest much when i came home cos tmr have this short quiz for my mp2004 module. So yup, decided to call it a day after revising enough for it! Gonna just relax now by listening to some nice music!

Anyway, past few days a few incidents happened tt shook me a bit! It is regarding me and one of my closest friends as of present in sch! It has been sometime tt i got to sit down and chat with this friend. And i was jus missing the company all the while. But few days ago, i think on monday, i was saddened by a rather lame and dumb statement made by my friend as a form of joke. Dunno why i was affected by it, though i knew it was a joke. Somehow i got reminded of some event in the past by it and seriously didnt want my friend to end up in tt stage. Was just a bit paranoid. This happens when u value someone so much! Haiz. Was jus affected but nvm, everything was fine by the next day cos my friend apologized for making tt statement, though it was not necessary. Haha i think it was my fault to just take a normal joke to such an extent. Just cause it was something tt really caused me to feel uneasy, a joke tt i couldnt really see any humour in it, my friend did take the effort to apologize. Appreciated the kind thought and consideration of my friend. Really great!!

So after this incident, i told my friend to come sit with me for my forensic lect, just to enjoy the company after a long long time. But tt wasnt the initial reason. My other frens whom i usually sit with were suppose to go for lab tt day. So i already told my friend to sit with me so tt i wun be lonely. But it ended up such tt all the others could make it in the end. And i still just wanted to sit with my fren after such a long time so i just msged to come sit with me! When all was gd, problem started when we went home together. Some other friend misunderstood my stare and thought i was bringing some unfriendly vibes and all. I totally didnt have any such intentions of bringing unfriendly vibes. I have to agree tt initially, like months ago, i was angry with this person cos of a certain remark they made, or more like the way the remark was told to me. I wasnt happy that someone had said i am not a nice person without even knowing me at all. But guess things got interpreted wrongly cos the actual statement made was tt i was not a gd looking guy! So that person apparently jus said i wasnt gd looking. Sheesh, seriously, i think tts alrite! I didnt know tt this was the statement made. Cos i dun disagree of myself not being gd looking. I think i am really very average looking. So tt wouldnt have offended me, though it would have hurt me a bit if a pretty gal was to say it hahaha! But yea, i didnt know about this actual statement before, so i always thought tt it was said tt i was not a nice guy! However, i had moved on from tt incident like some time ago already! So, when this person msged my friend saying tt i am creating this unfriendly vibes with her, i just denied it. But my fren somewat accused me of judging a person without even knowing them! And tt remark was what tt angered me at tt pt of time. Really lost my temper and reacted angrily. I thought it was only fair for me to be angry with someone who thought i wasnt a nice guy without even knowing me. But tt too, i dun care anymore. So to have said tt i judge tt person badly just didnt seem like a correct thing to have said to me. So tt was a reason why i reacted in such a manner.

Later on i regretted for my actions. Surely there is a better way to have dealt with it but i am like so short tempered as of recent. I never expected myself to blow up in front of such a close friend suddenly! But yea guess all is well now. Hope i control my temper from now on, before i lose the valuable friends of mine. Sorted out the misunderstanding with the gal who mistook my stare too and guess now the air is cleared.

Haiz, such a small prob but yet so much of emotions involved in it. Dunno why like tt but guess i should stay away from such unnecessary problems in the future. Its not worth the time and all. Anyway, just felt like blogging the aftermath of the entire incident! I am totally fine right now. So to my close friends, dun have to worry hahaha! Adiyos!!!!!!!

2009-08-29T19:59:00.000-07:00

Well, never knew pioneer would be such a pleasant place to live in, at least for the time being. The house is very conducive for my studying tt i have been studying more than ever! The house is currently very quiet cos my 2nd sis and the children have not move in yet! So dunno how the noise level would be after they shift in. But guess my room is quite distant from the rest of them so still good! I get to do my work in peace, which was what i wanted! Traveling to school is like so easy. It is at most a 20min journey haha! I love the part where i dun have to travel all the way to yishun. Also there re plenty of shops nearby, even jurong point is like a km away. So yea, not bad at all!

Anyway, my dad hasn't been coming home tt often. He is saying this place is too far for him and he feels annoyed coming back home. And i think he is staying at his friend's place. Now the thing is tt it was cos of my dear dad tt i agreed to stay in together with everyone, so tt his life would be so much easier at this old age. And on top of tt, he was the one who asked my sis to shift in together it seems. And after all this effort jus for him, this is wat he can give back! I seriously dunno wat has happened to him. Totally out of his mind and he hasnt been the same since start of the year. Has been acting very weird. Feel a bit neglected cos he cant even come home to see his son. I have been asking everytime on where he is and have been worried most of the time on why he hasnt come back home. But he thinks i just want him back home for the pocket money! I seriously dunno wat to say! Feel upset tt after my mum, there is no one as pure who would be concerned or bother abt me. Not tt i want the attention but at least my dad could be jus physically there for me. Nevermind, have been lonely all this while since feb 11 2008. So i seriously dun think i should expect for a miracle to occur!

Been quite focused in my work finally. Have been distracted by one or two things till now but now i am getting a control of my emotions and stuff. One of the stuff is what i have already mentioned in the previous para. The other is just a feeling of being cheated by someone who i think i have been close to. I feel that i have been back stabbed, though i have no evidence to prove. Thought someone who i was close wouldn't bitch abt me behind my back. But guess some do it to get closer to other friends. Hmmm nvm. Guess I'll just be silent about this and won't over react or what. Since i consider the person as my friend, i shall just forgive. But i think i won't forget. Hope whoever it is understands tt i am just being kind to them and have no intentions of harming them. So why harm me? In fact i am still being the same nice Garnie to them after all these, pretending not to know what they have done behind my back! Once i feel someone is a close friend of mine and if i value them so much, i would just to anything for them! This has been the case all this while and i just can't change tt. So pls dun hurt me till it causes me to stop this trend.

NTU's MAE has gone mad i guess! They have been changing the system overnight, just like tt, without informing us before hand. Fri nite when i checked for my modules in edventure for tutorials and stuff, i saw that two of my courses went missing. When i went to my ntu mail to check wat's happening, they have sent a mail to the MAE students tt all our 4au modules have been changed to 3au, but the contents will remian the same and so does the number of lessons. Also, we have to do one 3au module in our 4th year as the total number of AUs tt we re suppose to achieve is still the same. Haiz. Yet another change. As if bringing in EID into normal sem, changing tutorial classes into lects and adding two more hours of teaching to each lesson wasnt enough! Re they really trying their best to make sure we dun graduate? hahaha. I don't know but guess i have to face the music. Tt reminds me of some ppl who dun even know wat the fuck is going on despite coming to sch and all these ppl are Fucking dependent at the age of 22-23. Haiz. Seriously, these ppl make me feel sick. Dunno how ppl can be sooooooo slack! Well though its none of my business, feel tt some ppl re just wasting the spots offered to them by NTU. Give it to someone who knows the value of it laa! Haiz. Assholes!

Anyway, have stated what ever my heart told me to this time. Didnt really use my brains to think what the outcome would be if my friend ever reads my blog, which i doubt so, and whether they would know its them! Well even if they realise, all i can say is sorry cos i am someone who blogs abt things tt stays close to my heart! So if ur issue ever comes out here, tt should show how much of importance i am giving to you! Sighsssssss! Well enough said. Before i end off, just like to say tt laughter is seriously the best medicine. So even if u re feeling down, go to those ppl who u know would definately make u laugh or smile. Tt would make u forget ur problems. I am telling this through experience. Thanks to shalu who brought tt smile to me past week when i was pretty worried over something. And thanks to my clique in school who some how makes me hyper and aid me to forget whatever trouble tt is going on in my life and help me stay light hearted! And also thanks to those friends who at least bothered to find out how my new house/place is treating me! Shows tt these re friends who really care on even the smallest things tt happens in my life! So if u know u did ask, u re just being appreciated by Garnie/Teggie(or watever u know me as hahaha)! One last thing, Please listen to hasilae fisilae and vaarayo songs from the new suriya movie, aadhavan! I am crazily addicted to these songs. Damn nice! Adiyos!!!!

2009-08-22T07:31:00.000-07:00

ok, past week has been quite crazy! A lot of things happened and many changes have occured. Well, today i am typing from my new house at pioneer! To be honest, i was quite sad to leave yishun cos my adulthood started there and also i am very used to geting to places from yishun! The gd thing abt pioneer is that NTU is freaking near. Besides tt. it is gonna be tough. Anyway, i am impressed with my new room. Well, not just a room but an entire floor has been given to me! Hahaha! Wat more can i ask for. ITs like i have this whole study area on the third floor entirely for myself plus my room itself contains a bathroom. Its really big sia. It can get pretty scary since there is no one else sharing the 3rd floor with me. But somehow i feel so gd abt the room cos it jus makes me feel important in the house haha!

This week in school has been better than last week. I was terribly tired and was far from the study mode. But this week somehow i felt less tired and had done most of my tutorials. Mon received a gift from dhivya, who got it for me while she was in thailand. Normally i never expect anything from my frens cos i believe friendship is one thing tt u shouldnt expect anything in return. But appreciated a lot tt she cared to buy me something while there. As they always say, its the thought that counts. I truely appreciate tt. Tue met up with anitha. We were suppose to meet for a very long time but finally it happened on a school day itself. Was a very simply planned day and it was nice spending a day with her. We ate at botak jones and then went to NUS. I was sitting down for one of the NUS lectures. Was pretty scared when the prof wanted to divide the lect theatre into grps. He even wanted one team to come in front and present initially. I was thinking why must it be like tt for the only day tt i m gonna be there hahaha! Lucky one ass sounded off saying tt it would be better if that system was carried out from the following week! Heng ah! After the lect, anitha came over to my block cos i had to pass her something. I too got something from her and felt very gd once again. Two days in a row tt i was receiving gifts. Was a well spent day and i actually learnt how to use a new word tt keeps coming to my mind as it was said abt 100times within the few hrs. That word is none other than, "Dappi"!

The rest of the days have been pretty normal. Well got irritated by some incident on wed. Its just like a simple sentence but it affected me in quite a way. And at the same time i realised quite a number of things that i was not able to see for sometime cos of my trust for tt person. I have come to realise tt i shouldnt trust anyone tt easily. Cos u mite be backstabbed one day by them! Quite a painful thing it was but well heck it. At least i found out abt it now! Thur was another bad so so day. I was in diff moods for diff parts of the day. Again got irritated by something and was in a bad mood at nite. Dunno why laa, sometimes sucky stuff happens in life.

Anyway, been really tired out by the shifting. Dunno if i will be able to cope with these new place easily. Must learn how to get to places. Couldnt do much studying today cos i only settled down at abt 8.30 and was having a real bad headache. But guess tmr i will have all the time to do watever i wanna do. Ok, not gonna say anymore cos i am feeling pretty lazy now. Anyway bottomline for the day, dont trust anyone cos sometimes, even those u re close with, mite back stab u!

2009-08-08T23:00:00.000-07:00

Alrite back for updates abt whatever tt has happened. PAst Saturday was a very long day for me. Spent the start of the day at Vishnu's house. It was a farewell gathering. Well, i would say i had fun from the moment i entered his house. Vishnu can organise almost any event well taken care of! But sadly, i had to leave the gathering very early cos my sis's new son's naming ceremony was also on the same day. I went down to Singapore Indian Association at 6.30 sharp since my sis told me the event is starting at tt time. But i was quite shocked and irritated when i stepped into the function room. I was the first person to be part of the event besides the decorators and dj. Seriously, i wanted to spend more time with my fren who was gonna leave to sweden. But damn, jus cos it was told to me tt it was at six-thirty, i rushed my way down to the place. Best part, even my sis didnt turn up yet. These indians re always like tt. Never on time. It has become such tt when u re an indian, it is wrong to be on time! Seriously was irritated. Ok now abt the naming ceremony. Thank god had my fren who was decorating the place. I was super bored. My relatives, i hardly know them or talk to them. And normally i never been to any family events without my mum before. So it was really terrible for me as i was missing her company. The party would have been gd only if my mum was still ard. To be honest, i felt very bored at the party and felt tt the celebration was way more than wat someone would expect for a simple naming ceremony. The child would never know for goodness sake on what they re celebrating. But well, it was purely my sis's idea, and when they wanna do it for their child, wat right do i have to say that it is unnecessary. Just gave my views on such a big event tts all!

Anyway, monday met up with sharadha and shalu for a simple lunch outing. It was then tt my sis called and informed me tt we re definately shifting to pioneer! The good thing abt pioneer is tt its very near to my sch. Well the bad part is tt, it is practically far from everywhere else! haha. Nevermind, i hope it will be alright staying together. A few of my frens have said tt it would be good and tt i could take it as an oppurtunity to unite with almost my entire family again. Let's see how it turns out to be. Will be shifting as soon as 3 weeks from now. Things re really happening real fast.

Tue was prawning with shalu sharadha kalai. Suvin veera and Kabilan made a guest appearance haha. But well, was a different outing. Had done prawning jus once before and this was my second. It was nice! Wed was another day out with suresh, suraen and sachdev. Thur decided to stay at home. Fri was quite nice cos met up with rama after some time together with suresh and suraen. We watched the hangover from first row. Man, i would never watch a movie from tt row again. My neck was aching super bad after tt. The screens in GV re fucking high and the first row seats re very close to the screen. Only A fucking moronic asshole would have made such a structure. Seriously, why did they even want such seats to be part of the theatre. That fellow who planned it must be seriously insane. It is bad for ur eyes, bad for ur neck and dun feel comfortable despite watching it in theatre. Well, fuck GV man! Lousy architecture! Well the only gd thing was tt, the show was damn hilarious and was so worth watching it in cinemas. I enjoyed it thoroughly. After tt, played pool with these guys after so long right after tt. Rama said this might be his last outing with us before his A levels. So was a nice day out with him.

Saturday was a super awesome day. Met up with almost the entire bunch of sji ppl after so so long. Ever since we guys stopped our soccer last january, its been hard to gather our guys out for any outing. But yesterday we had a good turnout of ard 8 ppl in total. Not bad taking into consideration tt it is after so long. We played a 4 v 4 tf2 match. My team of Sachdev suresh suraen and myself sort of trashed the opponents. But guess it wasnt a very fair competition. Hope to have more of it soon. As usual we ended our night eating away at some place, this time burger king.

I have left my sunday and monday unplanned. one simple reason is becos of sch. But of cos, if anyone of u'll would wanna go out with me, hahaha, do tell me. I feel so irriated tt holidays re like ending. Have to work non stop when sem starts. And need to buy lots of textbooks it seems and i am awfully broke! Dunno how i gonna buy! Haiz. Anyway not really looking forward to sch. Friday it was confirmed tt i have gotten the elective i wanted, which was forensic science. I wasn't worried at all actually abt not getting it, so i was not surprised at all when i actually got it. Damn sch, but nonetheless, gotta do it well this sem no matter wat.

There is one thing tt i have realised over all these years with my frens. Slowly the frens tt i have met for the past twenty two years are disappearing. I once heard from one of my army frens, who is much older than me, saying tt in a few years time, my life will be like his cos its very hard to gather friends and meet them when we grow older. It is very true actually. My sji gang are the only ppl tt i can meet whenever i want to. The rest are somewhat busy all the time and some dun even bother. Even during the holidays, u hardly hear from some friends who u were once so close with. Some pretend as if they re super busy. Dun tell me you cant like get like just ard 3-4 hrs to meet someone in a month of 30days. Well, its just whether u want or not. Some ppl are really genuinely busy and tt i understand. They go thru a lot of shit and yet, it was nice knowing tt they still rmb tt there was a plan to meet up. But some frens i feel tt they re just ur friends for that time period. To make sure their life is filled with company at tt point of time. After tt, they will hardly rmb u. These ppl re those who dun really know who true friends are. They hardly know the meaning of friendship. But well i harldy can care about these kinda ppl anymore. What difference does it make. Its their loss. i have still got plenty of frens who have been very close to me for years. I hardly appreciate frens who are good with words, but not showing it with their actions. So if u re one, pls go find someone else to be ur part-time fren. Not me! Hahaha!

2009-07-29T21:24:00.000-07:00

wow wat a week it has been! been out almost everyday! Anyway, sunday there was the huge discussion tt i mentioned in my previous post. Seems that we all agreed to a lot of terms and sorted out most of the issues. Hope our decisions bring us a proper outcome!

Monday met up with my army guys at newton circus. The funniest part was that the organiser himself didnt turn up! Besdies that most of them did. It is always a joy to be with these guys. Never fail to lighten up my spirit. I guess working so closely together while in army made us enjoy one another's company even now! We ate a lot of different dishes and ended of with beer. Was a simple and gd outing i have to say. Catching up with these guys never fails to be a gd outing.

Tue followed suraen ard the whole of bugis, searching for a new bag for his sch! He knew almost all the shops that would sell the bag he wanted. So tt made our job much easier. It was a very different unique form of bag tt 80percent of us wun be daring enough to caryy. But suraen belongs to the other 20 and dares to try out something new since last time! Guess it suits him when he carries it. So not a bad choice for him afterall. After getting the bag, we headed to big o. We played 4hrs of 2 v 2 tf2 there. Me and suraen vs Suresh and Sachdev. ITs getting more and more competitive nowadays between us. Initially suraen and i were winning but towards the end suresh and sachdev were picking up more wins as i and suraen usually make totally opp choices haha! Nvm there is another round of this on fri haha!

Wed met up with veera, vishnu and sachdev. As i said first time we four re meeting outside of sch haha! Initial plan was to go ion shopping ctr so tt all of them could look ard the new shopping mall. But somehow i tot it wun be too interesting so i changed to vivo. And since we were meeting at ard 3 i tot vivo wouldnt be tt much of a gd place cos cant do any proper activity tt will keep us involved. So changed the venue to city hall, this time so tt we can play minds cafe at purvis st! But guess wat, when veera arrived, he said he doesnt feel like playing, and the others said they dun mind just sitting down somewhere and talk cock. If i had known tt earier, would have been much easier. So yea we walked from city hall to zam zam, yea i said city hall to zam zam, to sit, talk cock and eat! Was a gd 3 hrs or so tt we all talked abt various stuff. Again simple yet nice outing. Afterwhich me and sachdev went to vivo to do his phone and searched for some stuff that we intended to buy.

Today was suppose to be a gd day but well it got bad yesterday cos today's outing got cancelled. I hate it whenever an outing gets cancelled last min. Seriously hated tt since last time. It usually follows the pattern like the person u re meeting never mentions abt anything till u ask them and thats when they actually inform u tt they couldnt make it. When something is arranged for tt day, if it was me, i will die die go for it! So i expect the same from my frens in a way. Well its the expectations tt ruin things sometimes. So yea. Got quite irritated with the fact tt my powerpack week had to get disturbed by this. But as usual i didnt stay angry for long and sort of understood why it got cancelled rather than fuming over it. It seemd like quite a valid reason. So yea now gotta make use of this free day and make it better than it would have been if i had went out! Hahaha, i am quite well prepared for free days actually cos i have these list of new hindi vcds tt i rent every one in 4days. So yea, back to tt again!

Well tt is what happened so far. This sat got two events to attend to. One is vishnu's farewell gathering at his place. After tt would be my sis's new son's naming ceremony. Whole of sat will be gone in that haha! Sunday is a free day though! Next week somehow seems interesting. Both mon and tue i have been occupied. Tue seems very interesting as its avery random and sudden meeting with wei an, mark, yy and suraen after a long time. Gonna be great. Besides these two days, there is nothing much actually. And well, after next week, holidays are ending. Sighs. Sch seems quite stressful from the way it seems. The modules look fucking tough. Well lets see how it goes!!!

2009-07-25T05:35:00.000-07:00

Alrite, holidays re coming to a close! ANd here i am pretty sad abt it haha! At the same time, when sch reopens i wun be too sad cos i enjoy having something to do. Sometimes ppl complain tt they cant wait for holidays to come. When its holiday time, they actually get to the pt where they cant wait for work to start. Human beings can never be satisfied. Anyway, i think its best to enjoy watever that u have in that moment. So yea tts what i am exactly doing now, before my whole holiday ends. There is like 2weeks or so left from now.

June was an absolutely busy month. I had the whole month planned and i felt really gd abt it. But when it came to july, i hardly had anything to do. I realise tt as u grow older, the number of frens tt u get to meet slowly decreases. For instance, there use to be a time where the trackers often met up. But now it doesnt seem like it. Everyone is so busy and we meet only when someone returns from somewhere or is flying off somewhere haha! Some dun even contact u after sometime. They simply get evolved with their current list of frens. Hmmm, well tts alrite for me. I am jus stating facts. Well this july, i have met the trackers once, met sam once, met dhivya once, met my army frens, met shalu shameni and sharadha once and of cos met all my sji frens including rama plenty of times hahaha! There was a time when i kept meeting sara and a few others. But ever since he went army, its very hard to get him to come outside. Not even on saturdays cos of his workload and stuff! But some frens they re still available till now when it comes to meeting up. Suraen, suresh, sachdev,rama and so on. If not for this guys, my life this july would have been pretty boring! So thanks to my sji guys a plenty!

There were a few occasions tt i had absolutely nothing to do. And i am a sort tt i cannot stay at home for an entire day. If not, i would go mad. But, after like 2-3 occasions where i had to, i started making plans on what i should do while i am at home. This july i started the habit of watching hindi movies. I searched imdb for all the best rated hindi movies and started watching them. Youtube was very gd for this as they have selected hindi movies with subtitles. I watched a few there. Then there is this shop in yishun where i rented some hindi vcds! So far i think i have watched ard 7-8 films and have like another 6-7 more to watch hahaha. I find amitabh bachan as a fabulous actor. Any role given to him, he performs with class. So is my favourite sanjay dutt. Its a joy to have him on screen. A few other stars that i learnt abt and started to appreciate are akshay kumar, ajay devgan and saif ali khan! But seriously, it is not true tt bollywood is fantastic. There re very few movies tt re really nice. The rest re simply trash! So make sure u know what u re watching beforehand. For those who re interested or wanna occupy urself by doing what i am doing, go catch khakee, kaante, virudd, aitraaz and singh is king! These movies re all of diff genres so u would definately like them!

Anyway, those were things i did while at home. Whenever i am outiside, I find tt singapore isnt tt interesting afterall cos u do almost the same stuff no matter who u re with. Though with some ppl, i can do jus a little bit of a diff activity like teamfortress 2! Well most of the time, i caught a movie whenever i was out with most of the frens tt i mentioned just now. I watched transformers, sunshine cleaning, harry potter, obsessed and public enemies so far, jus for this month itself. I got the chance to play pool once, hmmm bowling too haha! Besides all these, there wasnt anything spectacular that i did. Hmmm. Sometimes it gets boring when u do the same things again and again! Need to find somehing new to do! Arcade was fun. Went awhile with my army guys and was fun though it was for a very short time! Enjoyed it!

As u see, my holidays dun look tt impressive haha! This coming week seems to be quite gd though. I am meeting with my army guys for a nice dinner and drink on monday. Wed will be out with veera, sachdev and vishnu. The four of us have never gone out together even once. Saturday vishnu invited us over to his place and on the same day have my nephew's naming ceremony. Fri it is sangae, butttttttttt, i wun be going. Hmmm somehow i dun have the urge to go and also my sji guys arnt going. So i decided not to though i felt like supporting a few frens who will be part of the show. But guess they wun mind if i am not present there too.

Well, there is some huge change tt is happening in my life ryte now! There is gonna be a discussion on Sunday abt it. To be honest, i dun have much options before i nodded my head for watever tt is taking place now. Abt a week ago i was going thru a few problems. After seeing all that, the current plan tt was brought to me made a lot of sense. Its more like the best option, not for me, but for my dad! So i agreed to it. But truthfully speaking, if there is an alternative to that, i would rather go for it but guess my dad would have to go thru more trouble if we chose some other option. Becos of tt reason, i am agreeing to wat was proposed to me. There re a few gd things because of the current plan. First my dad will have a huge burden off his shoulders, second my dad will be aided in every single aspect and he really needs it badly, thirdly the family gets united, which is somewhat a gd thing. But there are a plenty of reasons why this is a bad idea too. There would be a lot of problems and arguements for sure. Its somehwhat very hard to prevent these kindaf things to happen. The problem lies with our different personalities and views. Our ways and ideas wouldnt jus click. Somethings tt mite seem correct and fair to one person, mite not be to the other. Secondly, the travelling experience is gonna be so new tt i have to adapt to it. My sch is ok but when it comes to like gym, i dunno wat to do haha! Most importantly, i am worried abt my studying. I am a person who is a closset mugger. I can only study effectively at home and tt too without much disturbance or noise. But the new plan is almost impossible to have less noise and tt really worries me. I absoltuely need my own time, privacy and stuff, all these mainly for my studying part. Hope i could somehow get this across on sunday and see if i can get a gd solution. I have a lot in mind to say abt it and hopefully tmr tt is possible for me to do so! Hoping for the best outcome out of it so tt the plan turns out to be gd!

Ok tts all i have for now. Sorry if u didnt understand wat was the damn plan on my previous paragraph. I dun want the whole world to know until it is confirmed, so tt is why i didnt say what the plan actually was. If u think u re very close to me and re very eager to find out wat is the plan hahaha, u can jus simply ask me. If i choose to say to ya, u definetly know where u stand as my fren haha!! Tataz

2009-07-16T09:27:00.000-07:00

Hi hi hi!!! Firstly, a big big thanks to all those frens who cared and msged or asked me abt how i was feeling! Felt good tt i've got some really nice frens who really do care though u'll re busy with ur own stuff! One thing tt keeps me going re seriously u'll. Well really thank you!!! Anyway, i never went out the past two days and cancelled my outings cos of watever i was going thru! I jus needed to fix certain things proper. And guess somehow i manage to find some way to resolve every single issue tt was bothering me big time! Happy tt at least have my second sis to help me ard when i really needed the help! There could have been so many issues between us in the past but somehow whenever help is needed, she never fails to be there. Thats one thing i really appreciate! But that complement is only for my second sis and not for the rest of the sisters, who re not fit to be one!

Anyway to all the frens who really cared, i am ok ryte now!!! Feeling much much better and happy again! Will be back with proper posts soon. Sorry for the break haha.

2009-07-14T06:40:00.000-07:00

Hmmm i really feel sad. I have seriously no one else to go to and cry this out though i feel like. But yea i am really very heartbroken. When u give out all u have to make sure u revive from all the pain u have gone thru, it wun be easy to take another huge huge beating. But it seems tt i am constantly getting tt beating, tt is almost putting me entirely down after this long struggle to come back normal in life. I dun see why i have to suffer this much when i havent done anything wrong. I cant even state what kindaf problems i m facing cos its too embarassing to state it here. One thing is for sure is tt the problems re surfacing right to the top all at one time and at the end of the day, i would have lost everything!!! I am not a person who easily gives up. But now is a time i am really being forced to so much so i am getting so scared with my entire life! I dunno if i would sustain any other step or will i be able to!

There is one person i wanna truely cry out to and tt is my mum!! "I dunno why i have to go thru all this. The most painful part is tt u re not here with me to support me. At least if u were here, i wouldnt really care how much is being lost. But now i jus feel so empty. Thanks to dad that there is almost gonna be nothing left! Hmmm, u leave me with very few options left mum! Wat am i to do? I took so long to be happy again and now i am almost going back to the bottom of the well right again. I tot i was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but things re happening in such a way tt it has lead me to where i was lost from! Hmmm. I dunno who else would hear me out or would care. I dun trust anyone else too. Tts why i want you to know! Hope at least u re there to hear me out. Pls pls pls, give me the strength to overcome everything and resolve everything tt is happening to us now! I have never prayed to anyone besides u. Pls help me mum! I really love u!"

Life shoudlnt be so painful sometimes! No matter how hard i have tried to not get angry with my dad, now it seems tt he has put me in such a big problematic situation tt its very hard to overcome it. I never had given my dad a single problem ever since i was a kid! But this is what he thinks i deserve. N despite all this problems, he still doesnt want me to know abt wat he is doing and he still wants to go repeat his mistakes despite knowing in the past he lost everything becos of those mistakes. Hmmm, i find my whining over here really pointless. But have totally zero power to say or change anything now! For all i loved my dad for, he has made me feel like i am such a loser now! I am afraid abt what else would occur next. I m seriously gd as dead! Where is this gonna lead to????

2009-07-11T21:35:00.001-07:00

Hey i'm back!! Ok the last time i posted entirely about my aussie trip. Now i shall say whatever tt happened after tt. There re quite a number of things tt happened. Firstly, i suffered from diarrhoea after i came back! It lasted for like four freaking days!!! Well its all my fault actually. At first i was ok. But i open my big fat mouth and tell my maid to start cooking something other than rice. Cos it has always been a different version of rice and curry at my place all the time! So she decided cooking chinese noodles with some funny chillie and pasta and so on! The night after the chinese noodle with tt goddamn chillie, i got a very bad stomach ache and i had to go toilet like 3 times in between my sleep. Haiz was terrible. And it took me till monday to get cured and now i told my maid to go back to cooking rice since tt seems like the most safe choice!!! Imagine i had to drink like black tea and tumeric spice powder dissolved in boiling water for tt few days to get cured!!!! Omg never gonna go to tt state again.

Anyway didnt go out tt much tt week tt i came back cos i was jus too lazy and my body felt super tired. Went the usual gym and all though but still i didnt feel like meeting anyone besides a certain few! Furthermore, i didnt wanna go out with a diarrhoea. I managed to watch transformers 2 though tt week's fri! Wasnt too great laa. Could have been better. Played some tf2 after tt which was simply awesome! haha. This week was the total opposite of last week. I had been out the entire week. Monday went to suraen's place with suresh for a red thread marathon. We though we would be able to watch episode 1-36 within tt day. But it took us till 10pm to watch till episode 20. Suresh seemed to have missed most of the earlier episodes so we had to watch it for him. I missed more of the second half of it which is after episode 20. So we decided to have the continuation of the red thread marathon from episode 21-39 at his place another day, which was tentatively sat then!!

Me suresh sachdev and suraen went bugis on tue to go look for a certain kind of shirt tt i missed out in aussie!!! The sad part was tt i couldnt find the shirt i wanted though i explored the whole of bugis. It used to be the latest trend awhile ago. But now i can hardly see it in shops and even if they had it, they werent nice! Hmmmm. So after a disappointing shopping trip, we decided to boost our morale a bit by going for 2 v 2 tf2 hahaha! Was very nice and we didnt expect it to be so good but it was. Met up with Faye daryl and brendan after tt! We ate at delifrance. Faye was gonna go back to perth so fast. She was only here fore barely a week! So i had to meet her tt day and miss my red thread episode!!! haha. But was worth it to see my duckee at the end of the day so no complaints!!!

Wed was bowling day. Met with sharadha shalini and shameni! Was a very short but nice outing. It was hardly more than 3hrs. But was nice to see them after sometime!!
Thur i didnt go for steamboat with my sji brothers. It was suppose to be a family day thingy to welcome vidya back from melbourne! But i already planned with my fren to go out tt day so it was only fair tt i kept to my word! I really enjoyed thur a lot! Was a very simple yet nice day! I realize i have been very selective with frens tt i make. But glad tt i made a very impressive one this yr! One tt helped me when i asked! And for tt i dun mind doing absolutely anything to say thanks back!!! So yea enjoyed that entire day thouroughly!

Fri was out again and met a long time no see fren. Was another gd day. I watched like two movies in that two days. Thur watched obsessed which was pretty gd laa actually. Was a gd choice. Fri watched sunshine cleaning. Wasnt too bad but i have a heartache ater paying 8bucks for it! But some parts in the movie nearly made me tear cos it realated very much to my own life. There was this scene where the girl's mum's movie will be played on tv where she will appear for a few minutes. But the girl will get to see her mum's image on tv after so long and memories about her mum would come back to her and she would tear while watching it! Well,i have a similar video of my mum. It in my handphone where the image quality is very bad but i can hear a voice very clearly! SO in a way i can still hear my mum's voice whenever i wanted to! Hmmmmmmmm. Well ok shall not drag about this if not i cannot continue with this post!

Saturday watched red thread marathon two at suraen's place as planned!! Played tf2 after tt, 2 v 2 again. Well tts all for this past week. Just would like to say things between me and my dad are so much better now since i took a very personal effort to talk to him everyday no matter wat. He has been still pissing me off with watever nonsense he has been doing till today. But guess no matter what he does,i still will treat him well. Well things have been gd so far. When u dun expect anything much, u get to enjoy life more. Tts one thing tt i have learnt in life the hard way! So yea, i will not expect anything in anyway from anyone! Tt really works in the sense tt u never get diappointed! So yea, dun expect anything in life!!

2009-07-01T00:24:00.000-07:00

Hey guys! Sorry was away all this while. Just got back from my aussie trip. Well, it was an awesome trip i have to say. It's not the kind u go for fabulous theme rides and all. This one was pretty different. It was more of a relaxing trip. We gotta know more abt aussie culture which i prefer! Yea wish singaporeans were like aussies too. I hate the way singaporeans are a bit anti social when talkin to ppl. U even have ur own frens avoiding u at times. But in perth, any random fellow will take the trouble to ask u on how have u been! Tts the difference between our culture and theirs.

Last tue we guys, murali, suraen, suresh and myself, made it to the budget terminal! Anu, kurseth and pasu came to send us off. The seating in the plane wasnt as bad afterall on our way there. And the only thing was that it could get pretty boring if u dun have someone who u know beside ya! Suresh was with me while travelling there so was not bad! We talked for most of the journey. It was a 4 hr 40min journey. When we landed and went out of the airport, we were electrified by the weather there. It was colder than the airport. The airport was a much much warmer place! Its the direct opp of singapore. Krish came and picked us up. We went looking for food. The entire perth was closing shop for tt nite. It was like 10-11pm then. In the end we managed to get Domino pizza which was still operating, thankfully. All of us were dead hungry. We didnt eat since 2pm. So yea. We ordered one whole pizza for each of us. And we shared 2slices with one another so we tasted like 4 diff pizzas. Was fantastic. Next we got to our backpackers. It was the billabong backpackers. Well, it was quite a nice place. The room was compact yet nice. Enuff for the four of us. But somehow all of us were feeling very cold. We got our heater changed too and tt was super efficent too. They changed it immediately for us.

Next day we started out our trip properly. We had breakfast, which was provided free by the backpackers, and then headed to Swan Valley. The scenery there is awesome. Fresh air and good scent. And also the plantations were fabulous. Afterwhich we all paid 2.50 and tasted like over 10 wines. We gulped down each wine once it was poured. Got a bit high. Haha. After tt we took a lot of nice photos in that area before we headed to the margaret river chocolate factory. The chocolate drinks and free tasting chocolates were jus so nice tt i kept taking them. Hahaha! We skipped lunch and went straight to wildlife park. Was quite nice i have to say. We took pictures with a lot of animals, i milked the cow haha, touched giant lizards and we saw the sheeps being sheared. Yea was awesome. We headed to some little shopping mall to get beers for the coming days after the wildlife park. We bought a 24 pack of Calton Dry beers which was really nice. Krish paid for all that. We had a quota to drink at least 1 1/2 beer each day before we end off each nite. So yea we did follow tt. haha. We ate kebab at some turkish restaurant for dinner. Afterwhich we returned to our place. We changed to go to the casino. it was super ex again and tt refrained us from playing. We managed to play a one dollar jackpot machine though which also took away our money haha. Since we couldnt play much or didnt choose to play, we headed back to the backpackers again. Cooked our maggie noodles. Ended the day with beer.

Thur the plan was to go carousel and garden city and do some shopping or more like window shopping. And to look for things tt we would wanna buy. Before tt we actually went to some local football shop. Suresh was the only one who bought something there. Cos the stuffs were pretty ex. Yea. We proceeded on to the carousel and garden city. Spent real cheap for lunch. Jus got like burger and we shared fries and the drink, all from chicken treat restaurant. Bought a glow in the dark t shirt at carousel. At garden city, i decided to leave the guys for like a couple of hrs to meet Faye who studies there. So yea. She took me to some koraen restaurant and the food there was nice too. We talked a lot of stuff tt has been happening in our recent lifes. Was great la the dinner. After tt she drove me to the kings' park. It was like a hill and from the top u can get a great view of perth! Perth city area is more like the CBD of Singapore. Not just tt there were certain places tt had a lot of resemblence to our places down here. There was this awesome wall at the kings park where u whisper to the wall and the person on the other end of the wall could hear it clearly! We took a number of photos and spent ard an hr there before she sent me back to the guys. Went to look at krish's hostel awhile before we headed back to the backpackers to end that day off.

Friday went to eat fish and chips at some famous place near the freemantle area. It was a pretty long ride. We bought chocolates from margaret river before tt. The thing abt australia is tt they charge for chillie there. And most of the meals dun include drinks. So yea. We had to pay for the chillie at the fish and chips place. They charged us two dollars. But the chillie was super sweet and not nice at all. Tasted more like vinegar. We headed to the freemantle market, the bugis of perth hahaha. We thought that was the worst place we went to in perth for our entire trip cos we didnt find anything good down there. Next we headed to the perth beach. Well it is the indian ocean actually. Super big, endless man! The wind was so strong tt it felt like it was gonna blow us away. In the evening, we made our way to the Prison. This was the best part of our trip. The prison tour was superb and it was very informational. They scared us a few times during the tour. Felt a bit eerie and weird ard some places. Guess i'll not touch abt it here haha. Headed to nando's to eat after tt and the food was nice but not filling enough. So decided to eat noodles again after getting back. So got back home to backpackers.

Till this day we realised we were actually saving lots and lots of money. Hardly spending at all. So we decided to spend everything we had in the next couple of days. Sat went to the queensway of perth which was the harbour town. I bought like five shirts there, one belt and some souveniers for my frens. Ate lucnh there, some turkish version of murtabak! Then went to carousel again to buy bbq items for sunday. I bought nougats for my family there and some other chocolates. After doing so, we headed to krish's place. I had to check my marketing module result. I got an A for it. Yay! Was freakin happy but didnt really felt like celebrating. I reacted pretty normally. After tt headed to some indian restaurant called Mela's where we ate chicken briyani worh 12.50. Was quite nice laaa. And after tt ended of the day at king's park with my guys this time, where we took many photos!

The last day was sunday. We were sad to pack our stuff because tt symbolizes the start of the end of the perth trip. We never wanted to leave the place. Haiz. After packing, we ate breakfast at macs. More like lunch laa. Then bought some beer and went to krish's place for bbq. We watched michael jackson concert videos for like two hrs to pay tribute to him in our own way. That man is a legend and no one can beat him in the world of dance. We were full of praises for him while watching it. Felt very sad abt him passing away. I was expecting for his world tour actually. Nice ppl dun tend to stay for very long it seems. Haiz. Anyway bbq was good and we had beers and wines on top of tt. Ard 6 plus we started heading to the airport. We gave krish a goodbye card and thanked him for everything. The flight back was terrible. Was super boring. The seat was such tt no matter wat position u try, u wun be able to sleep. So yea. Hmmm.

Landed in Singapore at ard 3am. Had breakfast at macs before returnong home at ard 6am. Singapre was so fucking warm once i got out of the airport and i perspired for the first time after tt six days away. Dammit. Anyway, throughout the trip i was quite sad abt one thing that kept coming back to my mind. I promised to my mum to take her to overseas cos my father was such tt he never wnated to bring the family on an overseas trip. My mum was a kind tt she hardly even explored singapore. She is a real baby who has to be brought ard. The most innocent soul i have ever met. Hmmmm. She was so happy when i used to tell her how overseas was after my army trips before. And i promised if i go the next time, i will bring her. But sadly, i can never do tt. And tt really pains me to the core. I feel i didnt fulfil my promise to her and tts bad enuff. There was so many things tt she wanted in her life and i couldnt give her all tt. I imagined a lot of times of having her ard me during the trip itself. She confirmed would have loved perth. Hmmmmz. The trip was so like wat she would love to have. Sorry mummy for not being able to fulfill that dream of urs. Sighsssssssssssssss!

Well in this whole trip, if u were to ask me if i missed anyone, well first it would be my mum followed by my dad. Afterwhich, i missed one person surprisingly. I dunno why but yea i did! Hmmmm. Anyway i decided to make a very important decision abt my family back there then which i wanted to deal with after returning to singapore. But from recent observations like watever i am hearing and watever i have come across with and all, Guess i should not have made such a decision. Things tell me tt it would backfire. So ryte now, i dunno if i should stick with wat i decided, or to just go against the decision and live a simple life!!! Hmmmm anyway, bottomline, enjoyed the trip very much and wish to have more of such awesome trips with the guys. All the pics have been uploaded on facebook in a seven part album. Took lots of trouble uploading it so please go take a look. Will be back with more post cos i have the urge to blog abt a lot of stuff now! so yea see ya ppl. Adiyos. And yea, my blog is no longer private.

2009-06-18T05:37:00.000-07:00

Well, its been some time since i blogged but i was hardly having the time to post up something! I had a very crazy week. June 10 was my marketing exam. Well, guess its a kind of exam tt u will never be able to judge if u did well or not! The reason is tt its like a no wright or wrong answer. But yea i did watever i could in that paper with watever i studied. Hoping to get a gd grade and wish it happens. Haha

Sunday was father's day celebration. My family wanted to do it like a week before so yea. Well if u think u are in the wrong blog since i am talkin abt family celebration here, well dun worry u re in the correct one. YESSSSSSSSS! Finally a family dinner, in a very big mannered way, for FATHER'S DAY! My second sis inititaed it and i immedaitely agreed since it was for my father, though i aint in gd talking terms with almost evryone. But for the respect tt i have for my dad, i couldnt say no to such a celebration. Sunday we went to the bottle tree park seafood restaurant for dinner. My sis treated my entire family which included her, her new husband, who seems like a nice guy hmmm, my nephew, my niece, the guy's mother, our maids, myself and my dad of cos! It was an awesome meal, seriously haha, cos i was eating like a pig. I was clearing almost every single plate that came our way. There were always a huge portion tt all of them couldnt finish and i happily whacked everything in and emptied the plates! My stomach was so bloated at the end tt i was really having difficulty swallowing down the cake, tt we ordered for Father's day! Well, the celebration ended off with my sis preseting my dad with a ring plus a gd sum of cash, put inside an ang pao! Could see tt my dad really apprecaited it. However, i felt the small pain at the bottom of my heart tt i couldnt present him anything other than being there for him. I was also very saddened to see how old my father has become and can see him really aging. He has become smaller in size and looks really tired out! Hmmm, i truely love him, its jus tt things aint right in the family tt it causes dispute between him and me. Something tt i can't avoid too, cos he is the cause of it somehow! I hope i am really patient with him next time and wish i can forgive him no matter watever wrong he does from now on. I m jus too afraid to lose my dad! Really love him, though he might think i don't. Hmmm nvm! I shall stay silent abt this! Its ok if he doesnt know tt i will always be there for him no matter what! I loved the joy tt i saw on my dad's face when he got to kiss his grand children who re in immense love with him! Was really a cute and touching moment!

Anyway, next day i had to go down for camp kathiroli. So was doing the packing on sunday night! Monday went over to NUS for the camp! Well, abt the camp, it was a super crazy and awesome camp. Truely enjoyed every single moment tt i spent there. The stuedents who came, though they re from the avg kindaf backgrd, were really so well disciplined and knew how to resepct anyone elder thsan them. I thought i was gonna have a hard time controllling them, but never thought it would be such a fun thing to do. They re really so lovable. My team's name in the camp was saravedi, and i think our cheer was awesome. Not just tt, my grp was so enthu at all times. Even when i get tired, they never do, and tt made me to never show my tired face to them. Truely awesome kids i have to say. I shall say more abt the camp events i guess.

The camp was jam packed with lots and lots of activities. Hardly givng us any time for any breaks. Well, tt isnt a bad thing after all. It was because of the jam packed activities tt the camp's pace was so rapid and 4 days seemed very quick. One thing in the camp was tt i never got to sleep properly at all. Was really dying, i swear. Slept only like 6hrs in total for the entire 4days.But there was this huge competition going on between all the teams tt all of us, despite being tired, wanted to go on no matter wat. The camp comprised of big big events like treasure hunt, sentosa games, cultural workshop, nightwalk and finally talent time. All the activities tt i jus mentioned were really huge and took like 4-5 hrs to complete. There was no boring moment, personally for me, and i think the students all enjoyed the entire camp a lot. It was definately a huge success! N i feel really proud to be part of it! Almost every single one who participated in the camp, be it the facils or students, all were giving out their heart and soul to it. Tt was truely great.

I would really like to add this segment down here cos i think i owe it to Dhivya. She wun know watever i am writing here but i still wanna mention it. She was an amzing partner throughout the camp. And i cant believe someone was so willing to volunteer to help me, despite having other commitments. She did it so willingly jus cos i asked. She had this veenai performance on the second night and had to fly off to bangkok soon after the last day of the camp itself. Tt means she practially didnt have any time to rest and i feel so bad being the cause of it. She wouldnt have to go thru so much shit if not for me brnging her into this. But she never complained a single time and was so enthu and helped me with almost everything. She even returned back on the seond night itself after the veenai peformance. Initially it was suppose to be the 3rd day morning! I totally didnt know how to express my gratitude at tt pt of time and was feeling so touched for her to be so into it together with me. Well, realy really a big thank you!! So glad tt i have made such an awesome fren! Really happy! Dhivya was not jus enthu, but we did share a very gd rapport and it went well with everyone. I wouldnt have gotten a better partner. Really enjoyed every single moment. The last day was havoc. They saboed us to dance. And yea, somehow both of us when we danced, it wast too ugly or wat. Happy tt i didnt embarass myself or wat haha! The games we played after talent time was another big mingling session with almost everyone! Played captains ball till like 3.30am. I was so tired at the end of it but really enjoyed myself. Just love my entire team. They were awesome. I think i need to treat dhivya for being so nice to me haha! Really feel like giving her a treat soon!

Anyway, i made a gd number of frens from this camp. They were all really so kewl to be with throughout this 4days. Overall feel so great tt i did something quite productive and meaningful. Great camp!

Finally hit the bed at home and slept quite a bit though i am still shagged. Have to hit the gym soon. Guess i lost like a kg or two cos i didnt really eat tt well. hahaha. Well maybe for certain meals. But yea, now the big headache is coming. I have got to start buying some stuff for my aussie trip which is like in 5days. My frens have been so nice to me tt they havent started shopping cos of me. Thanks guys. But yea, have to settle it in the next four days now! Tmr will be changing my money to aussie currency. Hope to settle everything smoothly. Looking forward to the aussie trip and i am definately very excited. Well, basically, tts all i have to post. Been a great week.

2009-06-05T06:17:00.000-07:00

I seriously shouldnt be here posting something up with exam in abt 5 days time haha! But well, i have gone thru all the notes and just need to do additional revision. I think special sem is quite slack in the sense tt u only need to concentrate on one module. Its definately quite easy to cope.

Anyway i miss my special sem class haha. Not tt i talk to all the ppl down there but i meant the concept and atmosphere of the class. Its like SMU in NTU kinda thing and i really enjoyed it though at first i didnt thought it was a gd idea. It proves why SMU ppl are so bold when stating their points in any kindaf conversations that they get involved in. At the start of the sem, i wondered how i gonna speak out daringly and all. But sooner or later it became very easy and normal to state out my pts every single time. I hope the other grps don't hate me because i was the one who always asked very hard questions to them and i had to do it almost 80percent of the time. I was just simply enthu in class so maybe tts why haha, but hope everyone took it well. I would recommend ppl who go for fun modules tt marketing is actually one. But just tt u must be prepared to work ur ass off in quite demanding yet fun projects!!

I had a very simple yet nice lunch yesterday after school at jurong pt before i went back home. Talked a lot of shit and think most of what was talked were pretty interesting stuff. Once i got back home i slept well and woke up to finish 3chapters for marketing and i did just tt. Quite happy tt everything is going according to plan.

Well it wasnt very long ago tt i took the effort to communicate with my father, showing him what i did for my final project and all. He was pretty impressed cos its an idea which would definately attract him! I have also been very lenient to him all this while for all those things he actually did. I didnt wanna take anything to heart for watever he has done.

But guess wat, yesterday nite my maid had to tell me tt my dad went to give 600 to my elder sis to use for her family needs. Her fucking husband seems to be relaxing at home and is plainly using my dad's generosity or stupidity, whichever way u put it! Fucked up! And yea today when i woke up, i realised the internet connection and cable connection was cut. I was very shocked cos my maid just told me she paid like 2 days ago and furthermore, i gave like 300 for her to settle some of the bills first. So i was wondering why the hell would there be a problem and there was nothing much for my dad to pay since most of the bills were settled. When i called starhub, they actually told me tt the amt paid wasnt sufficent and i figured out tt they paid like 150 for a 300dollar bill. Like wtf. I was super pissed tt my dad can actually go ahead give money to tt fucking daughter of his when his own family problems are not solved. Totally irresponsible act. I sent out a very harsh msg to him, not rude though, to pt out what he has caused all this while. Guess tt caused quite a reaction. The bill got paid immeadiately. Haiz. I dunno when this will end! Well not tt i m hoping for it to end but guess i should control my temper at such times cos i really fumed like mad today. Only person i had to apologize or think i should apologize to abt it was my mum and i did exactly tt. Sometimes talking to her thru my heart really does wonders. In relation to this, i finally admit that i too actually pray, but to someone who i actually saw and lived with before and not someone whom i cant see at all. It feels gd by doing so. And to tell all those who care, i am definately a much stronger person now then before, especially the past yr. Thanks to all those who have helped in a certain way to overcome this huge hurdle in my life! Adiyos!!!!!!!!

2009-06-02T00:12:00.000-07:00

Omg, today was my final project presentation for marketing and we did very welli should say. I was amazed by the amt of questions tt was directed at us for Q and A by the floor. Managed to answer them smartly and factually. There were ppl who actually appreciated our idea. Wat made me happy and feel so proud and acomplished was the fact tt the girls who laughed at my grp initialy, and the ppl who i wanted to show my team's capability, came forward to us after the presentation and said they loved our presentation and appreciated our idea. They even ask for our grp's presentation slides to guide them through theirs. at the start of the special sem, they looked down on us, now they look up to us for our slides. Haha. Great great. Feels awesome!

Tts like 50precent of the marketing assignment. The other 50 percent would be for the written exam which is next week on the 10th. Will start mugging for it from tmr onwards. Got to get my A since all the presentations were gd. Anyway, i had been really pissed of with one fucking cb in my grp. He hardly contributed anything. He missed one entire presentation. Didnt come for the two out of 4 project meetings tt we had. He missed like altogether abt 4-5 meetings tt we had. Especially for the final project his contribution was like 0.01 percent. Tt too was a task given to him to design our menu but he fucked up the entire content despite we giving him all the details. We got so pissed and he told us like yesterday afternoon tt he cant get it done right away. So i decided no pt in relying on him for the menu and the other three of us had to work on it again and i printed out the menu and laminated it. It looked well done i should say and i felt gd abt it. Well, enough of tt bastard. Happy tt presentations are over now.

After my exams on the tenth, i think i will be volunteering myself for camp kathiroli tt my fren is hosting. Guess its best to help frens when in need and not be so bastard to boycott it. So i decided to go ahead in helping out and this will definately be a new experience. I m in a way looking forward to it to interact with the secondary sch kids of today. My fren has agreed to do it together with me and i appreciate it a lot. Its definately much easier with someone whom u can work with beside ya. Shall utilise my time fully in the three days tt i will be spending on it!

I guess some things in life happens for a reason and most of the time, it is for the gd. Well initially when it happens u will feel fucked up but as time goes by, u will understand that maybe there is a valuable reason behind it. I feel quite happy abt a certain fren. With me part of the equation, maybe it wouldnt be so peaceful and i dont know if i myself would be able to bring tt much of hapiness into them. But at present, the path tt my fren chose have proven to be gd and i m really happy that my fren is happy. Its so gd tt someone u know and cared for, is finally having some gd and fantastic times in their life. Great great! I have no regrets or watsoever now and i feel happy tt i didnt spoil the better life tt my fren is living.

Just when i thought my life is pretty dull, it seems quite great now but oh no dun get me any wrong. Not tt anything drastic has happened but i feel great at present abt certain things in life. There is this fren of mine tt is making me feel very appreciated despite me being very tao initially. But yea, as i said, everything happens for a reason. But eh for those assholes who immediately see this kindaf things as love or wat, no no i m not having any thoughts abt relationship or wat cos i dun think i am in any gd situation ryte now to be in one. I jus feel sometimes its nice to be appreciated by someone, without them intruding into my privacy at the same time, and also to give me some dose of happiness without going to the extremes. Alright, basically tts all i have in mind now. Gonna rest throughout today, a reward for myself for working hard for the projects all this while hahaha!

2009-05-22T01:42:00.000-07:00

ok finally i think i m a bit free to post something up. Had been very occupied with my projects for marketting! There are like 4 projects entitled for us. I have already done like two and there re two remaining. Also, my special sem should be ending in abt two weeks time! Seriously, cant wait but i think so far though its tough, i m pretty okay with it! Its all for the good at the end of the day!

Two weeks ago as i posted i actually said how my team was looked down at and tt i wanted to prove this jackasses wrong. Well, i think i have done exactly tt and it took me two projects for tt. Since the next lesson onwards i had been very determined to talk in class and answer watever questions and give my opinions. Make sure ppl know i exist. And for my case study project, we actually selected harry potter which the class laughed at us initially. But guess wat, we did awesomely well though one bladie bastard in my team backed out last min and didnt turn up for the presentation. Tt was really last min. But i didnt want to carry the presentaion to next week cos it would be a hindrance to my other two. And since my other grp memebers were all prepared, i decided we should jus go ahead with it. I volunteered to do that bastard's slide together with one of my other team members and yea, i think we did better than wat the guy would have done, though it was last min talk cock. Great! During the Q and A session, i jus managed to whack any questions tt came my way and i even lied for one which everyone believed. Feel so gd tt the class sorts of looks up to us now and i have sort of accomplished wat i wanted to. But its not over yet, since we got two more major projects coming up! Got lots more to prove.

Well, yesterday was the release of term results. My goal was to achieve ard 4 for gpa to offset my previous term's bad performance. I didnt manage to get 4 but still, i was very happy with 3.66 tt i got. My chem really pulled my gpa down. Manage to do quite well for all my other modules. Chem was a C so tt was my weakness and i knew it too. So yea i m quite satisfied with my grades and feel a huge sense of relief! Since the start of the sem i have set my priorities right and avoided watever mistakes i did last sem, and on top of it was quite consistent with my work. It did prove to do me gd at the end of the day. I am happy with the path tt i actually took. Special thanks to Veera, who actually had the guts to come out to me and advice me at the start of the sem. Its very hard to advice a person like me but still he took the effort to and he woke me up to my senses. I really appreciate it a lot. I swear i did listen to his advice and tt caused me to set lots of things right from the start. So yea veera, if u ever read this, Really Thank You! There re some frens really essential in ur life tt would understand where we come from and veera is one of them. He knew wat i exactly needed and he knows wat i should actually strive for. Being a fren and trying to make me feel better from my worries is one thing. Almost any fren could do tt and some might go overboard with it. But veera jus made it simple tt if i had problems get rid of them first before i start working for wat is most impt! Thanks again for tt.

I do feel very sad for some of my frens who have underperformed. They re ppl who can really do well but they were all in some kindaf distraction since the start. But yea shit does happen at times. the main thing tt everyone has got to learn is that to set ur priorities ryte. Once u know it, u should be able to perform. So jus dun give up, there is always next sem to work for the better.

I am generally a happy man now. Not really bothered abt the issues surrounding me in my family or outside. I have jus distracted myself from those worries with work and gd frens. And thankfully there is no one reminding me abt my past or abt my problems. That is a gd sign. I dun wanna live having high hopes though. Life might be very happy one day and take a tremendous downfall anytime. It happned to me before. I have learnt from it in a very painful way. So yea, whether happiness or sadness, jus take it and look at the brighter side of things.

Last week had a sji guys chalet at a very nice place, seaview resorts near changi village. Awesome place. After damn long met up with all these guys again and though it was a very simple chalet, enjoyed every moment there. With gd company, no matter wat u do, u will always feel gd. I have always felt tt way with my sji brothers. They jus are the source of enjoyment and happiness in my life. Great to have met each of my sji frens. Great guys indeed. Thanks to Dhinesh to have organised such a nice and simple chalet.

Basically tts all i have to blog abt. Guess will be back again when i am free the next time ard! See ya peepz! And for ur info, Budweisers re the best beers in the world! haha

2009-05-07T05:42:00.000-07:00

ok actually i was half a mind to post something up but well since i jus feel like, i will jus do it now!! Have been following this blockbuster drama on ch5! If u still dunno there is such a local drama tt is much talked abt in recent times, well its Red Thread! Adrian pang jus rocks in the whole drama and i jus love his character, the way they have shaped it! Since i m naturally in favour with villains than heroes, i seem to appreciate the role of adrian pang a lot! Awesome. For those who re still not watching it, pls do! Cos its really gd!

Thanks to all of ya who wished me happy holidays after my exams ended.Unfortunately, my holidays ended as soon as they started haha! Tue i started going for special sem! Well, definately a bad start. Kindaf irritated with a certain grp of ppl. And i have began realize some things only as we age in life. Definately not something gd i would say,in this context. It sucks to be the minority sometimes and i finally do feel this way after all this yrs! Like why some ppl do give us the feeling tt i m a minority? Take it a bus ride, the seat beside me is fucking empty, but it doesnt get filled up, best case is getting filled up last. Why? Am i tt smelly. Is it a thought tt runs across these particular grp of ppl tt some kindaf stinking aura stays with us all the time. Like why? If i am not wrong, i think i have never gone anywhere out without bathing. Can these insensitive ppl ever say the same thing! I seriously dun think so! I have always respected and taken with light heartedness all the racist jokes tt came my way for the past 22yrs. But sometimes some ppl really do mean some stuff and it jus gets to our nerves. I jus have to take it tt not everything is perfect in this world so there ought to be ppl like tt. But ntu jus has too much of these bunch. Assholes!!!

Anyway back to special sem, things didnt start off well. Since there were three guys of the same race sitting together at the same table, it became such tt we were left by ourselves and none of them in the class wanted to be a grp with us. I can sort of understand tt,so its ok! If i was the non-indian in the grp, i would feel out of place too. So this is not an issue. But, there is this grp of monkey faces tt jus looks down on us cos of who we are and they jus laugh at us for whatever we do. Its not as though they re laughing at us as we re doing something stupid and ridiculous, its jus a laughter tt simply means to look down on us! Since tt very moment,i have decided to give my full force to this marketting module and gonna prove to this bunch of morons tt it takes some standard for them to actually laugh at me! I will make sure they remember me and my grp for our speaking skills and ability to trash them all when it comes to presentations! Just wait and see wat i am capable of doing! Fucking assholes.

I met up with some frens tt i really wanted to meet for such a long time! Been like quite sometime since i saw them but finally did on monday and tue respectively! Though it was a simple dinner, the time i sepnt with raja and ashwini was jus awesome.Never fail to enjoy and be happier whenever i am with such nice ppl ard! Was nice chatting with these two after a long long time! Tue met up with shalu. I jus enjoy whenevr i am out with her. Jus gives me the feeling that she is my little sister and she never fails to make me smile. Sort of missed her company after like 3 weeks. Though i met her for her birthday celebration last sunday, was not so fulfilling as i guess both of us were very tired and there were a huge bunch of ppl there so we didnt have quality time to talk to one another properly! But there is jus this little thing tt shalu seems to resemble quite a bit. Its the way my mum was to me and how we were to one another. Really nice to see a little resemblence there! Jus brings back the nice moments i had with my mum all this yrs!

I have been coming across a lot of mother's day gifts! Jus getting a little bit affected by them but yea not so much like wat i thought. I have been still getting her stuff though she aint physically here with me! Hope it jus reaches out to her. Same for this mothers day. I jus saw this bunch of roses tt i think i will buy for her. Jus somehow feel she is watching me and she would love me to present her with things like tt. This is the least i could do to show my gratitude to such an awesome person like her. I am damn sure there wun be anyone who would have made such an impact in my life like how my mum has, be it the happiest moment or the saddest moment. Happiest would be how she brought me to this world and showing me that there re no bounds for a mother's love to her son. The saddest being, she parting me to live my life on my own teaching me in a very painful manner tt nothing really last forever!

I sort of know what i am doin in life. No matter how close i get to someone, i do draw a limit or line tt doesnt allow them to think any further. Though there re some ppl exception to this rule, for most i have drawn this line. I think its best to continue life like tt without any other thoughts coming to my mind cos those would be utter distractions. I am definately feeling happier day by day and accepting this loniliness AT HOME. There re some advantages of feeling this sense of loneliness too. I have somewhat started to appreciate tt. As life goes, its better to accept what we already have, rather than to reach for something tt is not so possible. Of cos reaching ur goals is a seperate issue from this. As long as u know u have dreamt realistically, go for it. If not, jus dream on!!!!!!!

Oh yes, finally drank as much as i could, though not tt much, at angie's surprise 21st party last thur! The brother was a solid host. He jus told me to order as much as i want as long as i am happy! Great. I drank abt 6-7glasses and couldnt take anymore. The last time i sat down to drink was new yr eve. After tt was jus a cup during my birthday but tt doesnt really count. I think there is one big drinking party coming next fri at some chalet.But due to the swine flu, i have this feeling tt the party is most probably cancelled so i wun have any high hopes!

Finally for those who wanna meet me if u miss me so much, please please do haha! My special sem classes is like only two days and its on tue and thur in the morning for three hrs. So practically i am free for almost any day! I would love to catch up with those who i really havent seen in a long time! Oh yes, met an awesome fren tt i couldnt reach at all for like yrs! It was prashan. My respect and care for him as never changed a single bit and i was so happy to have bump into him last saturday! Great great feeling. Hope to organise some mini track outing with my yr guys soon! Really do miss them! Alright, i jus have this series of things popping into my mind and for me to blog, but guess i would rather stop here. If not this wouldnt stop! Branthawus(jamaican way to say adiyos).

2009-04-29T02:23:00.000-07:00

Havent really been going out recently! In a way its good cos it enables me to save money faster. The only time i leave my hse is for gym! So u could be wondering wat this fellow is doing at home all this while! Well, i m pretty occupied with some stuff. Firstly, i started doing this woodcraft work on monday and tue. I wanted to finish it by end of tue no matter wat and dedicated my time urely for it. But guess wat, i finished it much much earlier than i thought i would take. I manage to get it done by tue afternoon. So the rest of the day i was pretty bored. I think woodcraft really makes me use my time very productively and it is a very cheap and cost saving way to keep urself busy! Anyway the recent piece has got some purpose to it! So i was even more careful while handling it! Gd tt it has shaped up well.

Just went to buy like one more woodcraft tt i feel like making! Tt would keep me busy whenever i am bored. Anyway, yesterday nite met a fren of mine and it was a last minute outing. But yea i enjoyed the time spent. We talked about quite a number of stuff and a lot of things somehow related me to my past. Some other guy seem to have incidents tt i have faced in my life and when we talked abt him, i was really quite shocked tt a person with similar character as me could exist. Maybe not entirely but that guy jus have some characteristics very similar to mine!

I realised tt its very hard for me to get a gal afterall cos of the way i think and also cos i feel no family would accept me when they associate me with my family! My family members have left a huge stain in my life tt will never go off and this is damn well gonna affect me in the future. Though i havent committed none of these mistakes, i am the one who is gonna be affected by it! Tt truely sucks and this is the reality! It doesnt matter if i am nice or not. At the end of the day, i will be in the losing end cos even if a gal likes me, her family wouldnt want a guy with such a family backgrd! Thinking abt this really scares me. But nvm, see how life goes. Maybe i gotta get used to living alone. That in return doesnt allow me to think of any gals in life now. Everything will jus become too difficult for the gal more than me so yea, i think its better for me to stay the way i am for a long long time until i see myself somewhere in life! Maybe its too early to talk abt all this, but well i have to talk abt this one day so yea!

Was watching the biggest loser just now after a lot of my frens told me abt it! Hmmm, i think this is one of the most fantastic reality shows ever created. Seriously, the contestants make me look up to them and i really salute them for their effort and determination. I could feel for each and everyone while watching the show and i was really moved with some of them. Never have i been so into this kind of shows but well, this is one. This ppl , at the start of the show, were so damn fat and they re fat cos of several common reasons. But the thing abt them is tt all of them want to lose that fats for one reason or the other. One contesteant wanted to make his son proud of him so he decided to enter the show. Hmmm, how cool. This ppl really prove tt if u make the effort, no matter how big size u re, u can get into the shape tt u want to be. And this ppl dun look as though they can exercise but since they all tried, they do get to the shape tt they want. Jus imagine ppl losing like 50 pounds in 5weeks! Waaa. Truely admire them. This should be a wake up call to those who think they cant do anything abt their size and always have reasons to back them up for why they look as such. Seriously this show has proved tt no matter wat is the reason for u to be fat, u can lose all of it. The only thing tt matters is u, and only u, whether u want it or not! Great show afterall!

I always had this vcd titled dead or alive. Dun really know how come its in my hse but i never watched it. Today my fren actually talked abt that movie and i think its time for me to finally watch the movie. So i m in a state of confusion now on whether to watch tt movie, or start with my new woodcraft work! Choosing one of the two choices would result in me doing the other choice some other day! So hmmmm!!!

2009-04-25T19:57:00.000-07:00

Alright! the last post have given different ppl different meanings to it! Just the first day 3 diff ppl have mentioned 3 different things abt it. Well let me make a few things easier and more straight forward to comprehend! The previous post simply means tt i have lost the family that i used to have! Me being trapped and all is jus to show the loneliness tt i suffer at home cos there aint any other family member ard me!

The prob never is my frens! I've always had genuine and great frens ard me! More than wat my fingers can actualy count. I have said before and i will say it again. The one thing i am very happy abt in life re the frens whom i have made this 22yrs. There re quite a number who realy have proved from time to time tt they wll do anything for me! So pls dun get too emotional with my post my frens cos i m the one who is suppose to be tt emotional. I think i have solid gd frens who never make me complain abt them and so wati have meant in my post was entirely diff.

I like to bring out another pt here. If u look at my blog, the meaning to it, its purely for me to state out the other side of my life which is hidden in me and those tt i would never like to bring out to light! Its purely a channel for me to let out wat i feel deep, like really deep within me since i dun like any other means to do it! I m not a type who wanna share it with ppl and cry and cry and cry. If u think i should be like tt then i'm sorry! I only share with like very very few ppl and those that i am very comfortable to share things with. The numbers re less than 5 to be specific. Close frens re diff from frens whom i can share this kinda probs with. I have more than a dozen close frens but i cant pour it out to all of them. I dun like doing tt too. I have always been a joyous person on the outside and have been smiling all the time. Please see that part of me and not anything beyond tt cos it defeats the entire purpose. My blog does not make up my entire character or feelngs. Its like the little little sorrows tt i can get out of me. Just see me as the person u know i am to u raher than reading abt me from here. It doesnt give u the real me!

I am not specifically pointing out at any one and jus stating this cos i want to. Anyway, jus for the record. I m a happier person than wat ppl think i am! It might look as if i m realy down and all but i hardly am when i m out! So yea jus dun assume things!

Enuff of tt now! Exams ended past wed and i have been occupied with certain stuff since then. Had to colect my biometric passport on wed itself right after exams. Next da started out with gymming after like 3weeks. Was super tiring cos i couldnt do many of the sets properly. We went tf2 in the evening and ws super fun. thur night my nephew came. So had been plyin with him since then. Never really got to sleep. Friday brought my nephew to timezone and to the library. We spent a gd 4-5hrs out and then brought him home. He jus loves everything tt he sees on his way, so each time i'll end up getting at east one stuff from a shop. Lucky tt day only had three shops tt we pass by haha. I also did something with my hair on Friday. Jus gonna stick to this style for sometime ragardless of wat ppl's opinion would be! Saturday gymed again and was better than the previous one. Did everything completely. Gd efort. Evening watched ayan with my frens and nephew. I was pretty tired after gym and so didnt have the energy to really be lively. so sorry if i was quite dull. JUs purely tired. Dunno wat to do today. Hopefully i will find something important to do. Guess there is some issue tt i can choose to settle now so giving a thought abt it. Anyway tts abt it. See ya'll soon again!

2009-04-22T01:59:00.000-07:00

Its been more than a month since i last posted something here. Well i didnt have any time to update or post anything! But yea, finally the exams re over and i m sure this time the results will be gd! I have worked the right way unlike last semester and i could actually feel the difference. Finally got to realize wat focus means! Well yea, as i said i m happy the way it went!

I always felt like writing this up in recent times and i think today is the time for it! There re many things in this world tt keeps changing. No wonder they say change is the only constant! Its very true in my case. I remember my childhood days where i used to be very clingy towards my mum and dad! My mum was a housewife and its always me and her at home most of the time. I never got seperated even a day from her until pri 6 when i chose to stay with my cousin! Tt too being a abrubt decision which i later regretted. My dad used to come back home after work at ard 6. I will constantly disturb my mum who will be on the phone forever chatting with him! Once i hear footsteps of my dad, i run to the door way and climb up the gate waiting to see him! And finally when he appears i will laugh and shout as if i saw the most awesome thing in the world! True enuff my dad was really superb to me those times where i tot he is the best man there ever could be! He really was!

I used to wrestle with him, tickle my mum and always made them laugh with my stupid jokes. I was never a quiet soul at home. Infact all the noise in the hse was due to me. My sisters always seem to be avoiding me. They wun let me mix with them. Anytime there is a fight at home between my sisters and my mum, i will be the one who will side and stand up for my mum even as that little boy. There was once my mum shouted her lungs out to my sis and then suffered a slight heart pain and held to her heart! I immediately cried and shouted angrily at my sis. My mum saw tt and she actually smiled and saw the immense love i had for her! We had our family outings then, everyone so happy. Deepavali times were so grand, the hse fully decorated. I really loved each and every member of my family!

At the age of 10, my first sister got married. She left to stay with her husband and tt was the first time i saw my family member leaving me! To be honest, though my first sister and i were never close since young, i started to miss her after she left! I realised how much i liked her after she gave birth to my niece, vaishu! My family was growing and i was so excited with the arrival of vaishu and took care of her to a stage where no uncle would have taken care of their neice at the age of ten! Then, a major problem came to my family. My second sis was in a relationship with a ex-prisoner. My whole family was devastated. My mum and dad always complained and were worried abt the situation. I have been hearing my parents point of view ever till pri 6. I slept with them till that age if u believe it or not. I will have this small bed jus below my parents bed. My bed will be on the ground. I used to cuddle ard my mum's arms whenever i felt like it! So basically i knew every amt of suffering they actually went thru! Sooner or later, my second sis disappeared. My family was now down to 4! Me my third sis and my parents! We stayed together, suffered together and went thru lots of obstacles in life till the end of my sec sch days. My mum and dad saw both me and my third sis as the ones who will be the future of the family they have built, as the other two jus spoilt the reputation our family had!

It was after my sis started working, we realised how money minded she was and started to value mone more than the family. Always complaining how my parents didnt appreciate her and all. She failed to see whatever my dad and mum went thru in life to bring her up but only saw her side of it! Slowly, she started disappearing as her slaary grew bigger! At the start of my army life, i saw how much m sis hated my parents treating me nicely and all. When i come back from camp after a week long or two weeks long, i will have my favourite dish lined up for me. Jus for t sunday t i will be ard! However, my sis didnt like it! I immediately told my mum to stop cooking wat i like and told her to not show any kindaf special attention to me when my sis is ard! So, they stopped cooking my fav dish and started doing for my sis! Not long after, my family heard abt my thrid sis being attached to this goon who doesnt work for a living and expects my third sis to sustain his life! Obviously, my parents didnt like him and they knew my sis desrved more than jus tt for her looks and brains. But she failed to see tt.

We were still together at my favourite hse, a condo, which i cant never imagine of staying in one now, despite all the problems. Towards the end of my second yr in army, financial situation in my family got from bad to worse and my sis was never helping at all despite all the money she had. Instead she bought a bike for her bf and she spent 3k for a trip with him to australia. She still demanded pocket money from my dad though she was working! Due to all this, my dad couldnt manage us in the condo and since my sis didnt wanna help, the hse was sold at the time i was in australia having training! I left from my favorite hse and returned back to a differnt home! The only gd thing then was seeing my mum's face, who was awake jus to see me till abt 4am. She smiled so widely tt i could feel how happy she was to see me back. Since the number of rooms in this hse didnt favour the amt of ppl living in it, there was a huge arguement between my sis, dad and me! Eventually, it was solved. We were looking for new hses then and to settle all these housing problems. But only to realize tt my third sis, have left from the family! Yes, she jus disappeared taking her army bag and all and we didnt even know she wanted to leave completely! But yes she did. This was jan last yr! Yet another member in the family had left!

It was ard then tt my mum suffered a low blood level and was admitted at kk women's hospital for two days. My sis never went to visit her but i was the only one there! My mum was always saying she could really see who loves her and who doesnt and was praying for her family to be as loving to her as before. She told me all this in jan 2008 tt life had changed so much. A month later from then, my mum was admitted to the hospital, the night after my ord day, eve of cny for low blood level, but sgh this time! Normally she would stay for two days in kk hospital and they will send her back home after two days. She will come back fresh. This time, it jus took longer then usual. Every day i was at the hospital taking things easy and i never worried abt anything, like the past twenty yrs in my life no matter how much we have went thru as family! I was so strong and confident and never thought abt failure in life till tt pt of time! I was known for my immense confidence level back then be it track or studies or as a matter of fact everything tt i was invlved in! My mum said why was i always so close to her right from the time she gave birth to me. She asked me how come i have never changed that closeness between her and me. jus smiled and she hugged me n told me to kiss her. She kissed me back then. Still my first and thrid sis didnt come. On feb 11, another member left. This time it was forveer and it was more painful than anything else in this world! I have never imagined this happening to me but it did. Life took a miserable turn tt day and i suddenly felt tt i have lost everything in life. My confidence, my happiness and verything tt kept me going had a reason behind it. The driving force was simply my mum and i realised it was no longer there when she left! So now, it is down to just me and my dad.

The lst time i have communicated with my dad properly was last yr end or maybe start of this yr! The boy who waits for the arrival of his dad by the gate has never seen his dad's face in recnt times! Wat i see is jus this four walls and i literally mean four walls tt i am always occupied in.

The worst way i felt abt life was last yr and everything happened one after another jus to bring me down further. It was like causing a person who was already in a trap hole to go down further by enlarging the hole. It was last yr tt i realised tt my dad had lost all the money tt we had for the past dunno how many yrs. ever since i was born i was in air con condition. Now i cant have a air con anywhere in my hse! I was very distracted in lfe not knowing wat re my priorities and started to lose focus on the most impt thing, studies! As a result, grades didnt really come gd despite the last min mugging then! I have never liked any indian gal in my life besides my mum and finally realised i had something for someone. But tt too didnt take a good course and things went messy and it was evident througout 2007/2008. It made me feel even lousier tt despite wanting to show the love, which i couldnt show to anyone after family members left me througout the yrs, there was no receiving end to it. Clearly, it made me feel as if i was cursed to have no love in my life! It was as though i was cursed to be a lonely soul trapped within four walls for life! Compare this with me being the most noisy soul in my hse when i was young. Now its jus the total opposite. There is no one to sit down with me and dine at home or even ask me how was work today or sch today! I felt like i was some big loser. Had never thought in such a way before.Life has really been very bad towards me!

As a result, i became more cautious of life now! I never wanted to let another hit affect me. I already have been battered to a level tt i cant take anymore! Enough is enough. I have become the ignorant person tt i m today who doesnt care abt wats goin on in his family after hoping for it to reform all this while; i never really care what ppl had to feel abt me abt how ignorant i have become towards them; i have never considered even looking at anyone in terms of my love life! All these is a cause of all that i went thru and it looks like the best way to travel thru this sort of life. So far it has been me and only me. And i have realised tt there is no one who can drive me in life besides me and my mum! Though i hate this trap tt i am in within this four walls, i have somehow become immune to it and am starting to live the world inside it rather than wats outside! I have adapted to this lonely jkindaf life tt i have to deal with till (i dunno when)!!!

Alright tts jus a very long entry but it is something really from my life in this 22yrs and nothing but jus the truth and the feelings from the bottom of my heart. Hope no one got affected by it but if u re i cant do anything much. The only thing i can do is to say sorry if i had caused to hurt anyone in anyway thru this post! Take care everyone and i will keep my blog lively in the next few weeks since i am free now! Tataz!

2009-03-20T08:10:00.000-07:00

22yrs have past and i am definately feeling older by the day!!! Haiz! Anyway, was really quite busy all these while. Somehow i think i am not studying properly. Laziness have set in. I m doing very little each day and i am easily falling asleep. Trying to make sure this doesnt continue. This weekend is gonna be bad cos i wun be able to use my sat effectively. In a wa the whole day is gonna be gone. Partly because of my own birthday celebration. A small dinner with my sji brothers followed by tf2. I dun mind going with them but at the same time i have to admit tt my time for studying is reduced at this crucial period. Only 27days left for exams haiz!!! There is way too much to study and remember. The latter is the harder to do cos i seem to have read all my text already at least twice. Once before the tutorials. Once before CAs. But it doesnt stay in my head for long and tt seems to be a very big problem. I dunno whether this happens as a result of age but i feel it is much easier o rmb things during ur younger days.

For example, i will do a tutorial which needs me to use certain concepts tt i jus revised on. A week later when i look back at my own answers, i wun know why the hell i did it in such a way and how i could possibly think in tt way. If someone knows how to overcome this prob pls do tell me. Guess it would be of some aid for me!

Anyway, yesterday was my 22nd birthday!! Haha. Cant believe i have turned 22! My 21st yr seems very short and i hardly enjoyed it. Dunno if tts normal but yea guess life becomes very sian as we age! Ok as for my birthday i already decided or told certain ppl not to hold any celebration for me, except my sji bros! Well i dun really feel the necessity to celebrate it. Firstly(sorry for repeating this over a million times), i dun think my life is tt great tt i have to celebrate it as i grow older cos i sort of hate my life ever since she passed away. Dun feel gd without her! Life really sucks when the closest person to u suddenly parts away from ya! In fact, i dun think any sorts of presents or wishes would be similar to those that i get from her! I still remember the kiss tt she gave me when i was 20yrs old. She hugged me real tight and gave me the kiss and i felt so gd then! She will stay awake till 12 jus for me and will come to my room with a very pleasant smile. Somehow whenever my birthday comes i cant stop myself from recallin back tt particular moment. It was really a priceless moment! I regret being in this world tt my mum is not allowed to live in anymore.

But somehow, i feel very happy for myself to have made very gd frens ard me! I tot i wouldnt be able to be happy for my birthday with watever shit tt i m putting up with and the fucking fake smile tt i have to live with. Some ppl jus make my day and do bring the smile back to my face. There were quite a number of ppl who waited till the clock hit twelve and they called me immediately to wish. Some msged at 12 or so. Thanks to ya'll for showing the importance to wish me first! Haha. Went to sch next day and got a few presents which i really did not expect. I dun really think presents make me happy but i do appreciate when someone gets me something and will accept it no matter what. Cos i know the feeling when u re not allowed to give the present u buy for the birthday person. Seriously tt is one of the worst thing tt i actually dislike. So i do accept watever ppl give me and make sure their efforts are not gone wasted, whoever they re! One birthday present surprised me to a large extent. It was from my driving instructor. Well, we shared a very gd rapport during my drivig lesson days and i use to share a lots of my personal issues with him. He was really a very friendly person and i really think tt he is an excellent instructor. Was really happy to recieve a guft from him. The cute part was that despite being a chinese, he wrote my name in tamil and wished me in tamil hahaha! Great moment tt put a big smile to my face. Secondly, i saw wat shalu and gang(i dunno who exactly shared but think all those whom i think shared should be part of the gang) bought for me! To be honest, i loved the presents cos it was wat i would have wanted. I wanted to buy a black cap for the past 3 months but didnt really get time to shop. I also wanted to change my wallet some day. Both these were wat they got me and i think it is really cool to get me what i really want! Thanks a lot! Really appreciate it!

Next, there is a trend nowadays to wish ppl thru facebook. Well i recied a hell lot of notifications and mails cos of ppl who chose to wish me thru facebook. I did read each and every msg and thought it was really nice for some of those whom i didnt expect t wish me to actually wish me. These particular grp of ppl who did wish me are worth to be mentioned. Ppl in Anitha's pattalam did wish me and i tot it was really nice of them. Vithyakumar wished me and i tot it was very nice of her to do tt cos i think there is some kind of misunderstanding tt we re yet to clear. My track teachers, miss lim and mr wong were so nice enuff to rmb! Mr wong actually played a video of me running to serve as an inspiration to the trackers of today's cj team! I felt really honoured! Shows my efforts didnt go to waste! And my army frens who wished me plus trackers. Really thank you! All those who msged me thru handphone, i think it was a more personal way of wishing me and i appreciate it a lot!

The best wishes tt i got from yesterday and that really made me feel great was those from australia. There were three australia calls in total. Sharadha and Faye called me while i was in the pageant show! But i decided to rush out jus for them since they were wasting their precious credits just to wish me! Felt really blessed to have these ppl as my frens. Sharadha and faye were both busy and faye didnt really sound happy cos of watver she was goin thru there but somehow both of them bothered to wish me and i hope i did entertain u'll well enough! Krish called me at 1.30 jus beofore i went to bed and he was the last one in a way to wish me on phone! Felt really gd talking to him. Really appreciate it for him to choose to call me despite the credits tt would have been more usefulif used for ppl like his parents and immediate family. A big thank you to all these frens. Really love each and evryone of ya.

I chose to go to the NTU pageant on my birthday! So it was a kind of a very sad thing to do for my birthday, according to certain ppl. Hahaha. Buti dun mind at all cos it was all worth it at the end of the day. Both the male and female categories were won by indians tt i am definately proud of. There were brewerk beers served at the end. Which was a form of celebration for my little birthday haha. And most importantly, my personal favourite, ravin, won the miss ntu! She really deserved every single bit of it and i think she is fucking gorgeous. Good to have such ppl in sch hahaha! She wished me twice, and we shook hands and acknowledged one another 4 times and tt was really quite a big thing cos she is miss ntu hahaha! The best part is tt her facebook profile pic is now the pic tt i took with her along with vishnu veera and sachdev and also, she chose to add me herself haha! Fantastic moment haha! Great job in finally being frens with her!

Overall, i think i did enjoy my birthday though most of it was spent in sch. One more special phonecall tt i left till the last part to mention was that from my niece and nephew. Was so sweet of them. Hahaha. And yea my dad of cos. He was waiting for me to come out of my room at 6am and he wished me with a very shy tone. We never really talk to one another these days and that has really been a huge regret for me. The hurt tt i feel is really quite immense when its actually my father. Hmmm. But yea felt really gd tt he wished me. Do love him a lot and i cant possibly tell him tt to his face cos i have the same shy thing going on in me tt i cant express myself in person. But yea jus want to say it at least here so at least he gets to know thru somone someday when its crucial! Haiz. Ok dun wanna drag any longer than this. Really thank all u kind souls for bringing tt smile to me. Thanks!!!

2009-03-12T09:43:00.000-07:00

Feeling like i'm alone! Thoughts keep on coming back to me again and again. I saw the tears in ur eyes as u laid there motionless! Those tears revealed clearly tt u were not at all happy when u were leaving away from me! I roughly know the causes for those tears. Though u had me to bring u the joy, the tears that ur daughters had brought were jus too much for ya! I dun understand how they had the heart to punish a wonderful soul like ya! I wun forgive them for wat they did througout my life! I am missing u very much mum!!! I really miss ya!

2009-03-05T06:41:00.001-08:00

I cant believe i had been so busy for such a long period of time. I didnt really get time for a breather. Not even once. Finally, today i chose myself to relief myself from all these stress tt i had been going thru for the past few weeks. Today was the last of my 4 big tests tt i had to go thru from the start of this week. Though i feel quite disappointed about not being able to perform as i wanted, i am glad tt its over and i can now get to my present day work with more ease; not having to worry so much abt wat has been taught, since i have revised them well enuff. I've never dedicated so much time for studying like i have now. Stayed home for the whole of my holidays, only going out like twice and both outings were short. I really put in a lot of effort in trying to prepare for 4diff tests, all of equal impt. It was really difficult i had to say with the amt of work i had to go thru. Somehow i was quite unlucky having to do four tests together instead of how others did it, two tests before break and two after. The tests somehow proved to be difficult and made me go blank at two instances. This has never happened to me till end of jc. Its quite scary, when u know u studied but ur mind goes blank when u actually need to apply it. Was really very stressful when i saw the qns being so difficult and all. It was asked in a way tt not much revision was needed cos u wouldnt know wat to apply. I was terribly depressed with chem, despite putting in considerable amt of effort for it. Though i have not taken chem in A levels, i tot i was quite confident abt it. But i was in a state of shock when the paper was so hard tt i didnt know wat to apply for almost 3/4 of the paper. I dun think i would have even got half correct.

Yes! As u can see i was so stressed out and didnt get time to say all these before. So yea. Anyway, studies has not been the only thing affecting me or bothering me. There re a couple of stuff tt re of some bother at times. Firstly, i am starting to feel very lonely nowadays. Well this mite be a cause of me staying at home, can say alone, throughout the whole week. I m not so used to this so maybe yea, tt was a reason. However, i was actually getting scared looking and reflecting at my life and how it has turned out to be so far.

Well, this was wat got into my mind. My mum has left me. My sisters have all abandoned the family. My dad simply made things worse by eliminating the last cent we've got. Thus, bringing in financial difficulties to my already painful life. As u can see, the only person with me now is my dad. No matter how he behaves or watever problem he causes, he is the only one tt i've got left. Thats a bit scary given his age and all. 10yrs down the road, when it comes to me marrying or something, i can hardly see any other family members standing by myside. It really leaves me thinking whether i'll be left all alone! Hmmm, how would a family, knowing all this, even trust me to become their relation. I dunno, jus a thought tt came to my mind and somehow bothered me. Again, this recalled back the moments i shared with my mum. Really a great loss for me. She wouldnt have imagined how much of a loss it could be. But it seems like it is so huge tt i cant define it.

Ard me, there re a lot of ppl going thru decent times, gd times and all. Some yea bad. But i dun think there re someone who i can see who has been going thru such darkended times like me. Not tt i want to say i am the only person in this state. But it is a fact tt i m really in a pathetic state in life. I have already talked a lot abt the family part. Settling down in life or getting someone important in life for myself is the next thing tt comes to my mind. Quite a number of ppl re somehow settling down and i feel real happy abt tt. However, i think i am being ignorant to the fact tt i am seriously left with no interest and all. I have seriously not even thought abt tt. I've even been hearing news and updates tt some of my frens are gonna marry soon, like end of this yr, two yrs time and some five yrs time! Look at me. Hahaha. Well, dunno if i should think tt much. But yea it freaks me out coming to think tt i have no one to actually even start with.

Due to stress and all, i think my sleeptime has been affected drastically. Somehow i am trying to get rid of tt problem. Oh yes, one other issue tt i would say has caused me to become angry or upset is problems tt i have been facing with a few ppl. It really makes me real sad tt despite much stress and hard times tt i've got to pull through, some of them are thinking i m a machine who dun have any feelings at all. They treat me as though i am a heartless fellow like tt. Nvm abt all this. I think i am quite happy with the way i have matured out of it. I didnt react the way i initially wanted to, but i sat down and thought thru the consequences of doing so. The best solution would be to leave it as it is and try to change myself to make ppl ard me complain less.

My temper has been really bad at recent times. I dunno why. I become irritated and angry in a matter of seconds. Like for instance, today joshua took away my band from my hair. I know he was playing and trying to be himself. But dunno why, though i knew tt, i reacted very angrily. Maybe the stress and disappointment have jus sunk into me. I was so fierce in the way i reacted. But it has been like tt in recent times. I dunno wats happening to me. Guess i have to take some time to really cool myself down.

Hmmm jus felt like adding this part. I have to somehow admit tt i love my dad a lot, despite him letting me down all this while. I get very angry whenever i see him or whenever he talks to me. Or whenever i see him bring home my fucking sister. I get pissed with him when i hear him talk over the phone asking ppl to give back the money they took from him. I feel damn frustrated coming to realize he has not been able to pay even the most basic bills like starhub tv, internet and phone bills. I dun recieve my pocket money too at times. The car also is gone for gd and its always with my sister nowadays. I have totally given up on tt and have decided on not asking him for it, which would only furthter complicate matters if i do so. As u can see, despite so much hatred tt he has caused within me on him, i still dun have the heart to completely hate him. I feel very saddened to see my dad getting older by day and tt has to face such problems in life at this stage. Though he did ask for all this trouble, he is still my dad and i pity him to have to go thru so much. I feel really sad tt i cant talk to him by looking at his face cos everytime i wanna do it normally, i get reminded of whatever he is putting me thru now. Haiz. Its very hard to explain. But yea, i really do love him a lot and have utmost respect for him to have brought me up till this level. Hope he somehow gets well from his current situation and tt we could live a happy life. I have been seeing only painful moments ever since the departure of my mum. Have had enuff. Wish i could at least see some light someday, soon!!!

2009-02-21T20:02:00.000-08:00

Been watching this silanthi drama on vasantham consistently. Well, the reason why i watch it till this extent is cos a lot of things tt is shown in the drama, believe it or not, is wat my family had gone thru before. Was shocked to see some of the portrayals of the characters, which closely related to my own family members. The one performed by the mother is wat really affects me the most. Well not the way she looks or wat but, whenever she cries or is depressed, it exactly sounds like my mum and that lady also cries the exact same way as my mum does. She also have certain features tt reminds me of my mum.

Yesterday was my best fren's bdae. He called me in the morning and he asked me if i would be able to get the car for tt day. I didnt feel like saying no to him. So i decided maybe i should let go off my ego and ask my dad for the car. But seriously, deep down in my heart i thought my dad wouldnt. Dunno why i thought tt way but i did. To my surprise my maid who called my dad to ask the car for me, replied to me saying tt dad is giving the car to me. I was so happy then. Drove to rama's place and picked him up. He wanted to drive from there and i allowed him to. We all ate at madjacks and decided to watch movie, naan kadavul, after tt. Suresh, sachdev, rama and prakash were on for it while the rest went back home. I drove from paradiz to pasir ris, to prakash's house. He wanted to drive his car so tt he can send suresh and sachdev home after the midnight movie. So yea from there we drove to yishun and reached there at abt 11plus. When sachdev went to the ticket counter to purchase the tickets, he was shocked to hear tt the tickets got sold out. Haiz. All of us were thoroughly disappointed and since we all took the trouble to drive all the way down, we decided to think of alternatives. After thinking thru a couple of ideas, we sttled to jalan kayu prata. The drive back home i had late nite was the best so far. The traffic was very clear and i reached home within 10 minutes from rama's place. Was quite fun.

As i woke up today, first news i heard from my maid was quite painful to hear. Well, she said yesterday, when she asked the car from my dad to pass it to me, he simply refused. He said he needs the car. But in actual fact, it was for my first sister. She was seen in my hse according to my maid complaining why the car was given to me. My maid also told me tt the car is with her almost everyday. And the reason my dad gave the car in the end to me was cos my maid was arguing with him tt i deserve the car since i never really asked from him and also this is the only time after very long tt i really asked. Not like my sis who asks for every single day and also gets the petrol money from my dad. Haiz. My maid had to actually remind my dad tt i was also his son and i should be let to drive his car and not just his daughter all the time. Hmmmz. Yes i feel sad being treated this way. Of all the children. i was the only one who stood by my parents' side when they suffered.(I dun wanna say out watever i did for them cos i simply dun like to do tt. Then there will be no pt of me helping them before.) My relatives all used to condemn my family a lot. They will tell my parents abt how their daughters have let them down and tt its a shame to have such daughters. They really ill-mouthed our entire faily. Even then, they had nothing to pin point abt me and there were comments tt came abt saying i was the only one in the family who is keeping the stadards high since the day they knew me! My parents were really proud of me for tt. But look at the reward i am getting now for all that. If u ever knew my sisters, u will be simply be shocked at how i have turned out to be. There is really a huge contrast. Not tt i m trying to boast about myself tt i am the best kid in the family. But i can touch my heart and say tt i have never done a thing tt has disappointed my parents before. They have always recieved good news whenever it is abt me.

I dun really know whether i should be depressed abt it or not cos guess its gonna be this way all the time. Well, i wun ask the car from him anymore. He can do whatever he wants with it. I dun even wanna get angry with him for this kinda stuff so better tt i stay away and keep quiet. If he really thinks my sister should drive the car instead of me, let him do so. Be it, i am very used to taking trains and buses all my life so doesnt really matter to me i guess.

Today is my second's sisters second time marriage! Well sounds like a joke to me seriously. I didnt even go for the first one when i was thirteen tt time. I was angry even then tt she disappointed my mum and just left the hse, leaving my mum to cry. The scar was so deep in my heart tt i was the only one who didnt wanna see her face and didnt wanna see her getting married to someone who caused my family to tear apart. Even my mum went for it. But yea, now, the second time she is getting married to yet another useless fellow. I dun have to care whetehr she does marry someone else or not cos tts her life. But when it invloves my nephew and all, i jus cant take it. This is jus too much. I really feel for my nephew who is jus 6 now, turning 7. He doesnt really know wat is going on now and guess he would be feeling so amazed tt his own mum is getting married in front of him. Imagine jus another 5 yrs later. He would start to realise why his mum did tt, and why he has two fathers. That small boy wouldnt be able to digest the fact tt his mum is so cheap. Didnt my sister think of all these. Its her own son for goodness sake. Which cb mother will do such a thing, something so selfish? Is it so necessary to be with tt guy. Well tts not all she has done. It goes way beyond tt. Jus tt i dun wanna type it all out here and tarnish the very bit of image she might, i mean might, have. Fuck the whole wedding man. Its so obvious tt its another major mistake in her life. Bladie fuck!!!

I have to set one thing right down here. I know i have been going on about how my family has been destroyed and how my sisters are behaving and all. This mite set others an image tt my family is of utter lowclass and we do the most indecent stuff together or watsoever. The truth is tt we used to be the family whom was talked about and ppl were taking us as examples on how their family should be. This even lasted till my jc days, though by then some of the family's reputation was gone. If i have to worry and cry out this kinda issues out now, it simply means i do regret of all this changes tt has come about. If i wasnt brought up from such a good family with good moral values, i wouldnt simply give a rat's ass abt it! So for those who re reading, please dun imagine tt i am from a family which dun really behave like one. Though it mite be pathetic now, i am still living and carrying the last bit of reputation tt my mum had grown out of this family. So at least for me, pls dun get all these the wrong way.

Enough of this crap abt my family tt i have mentioned in my last few posts. I rather talk about something tt has really moved me in a rather big way. Hmmz, i jus came across my fren's latest entry. It was so pleasing to my eyes tt i was mentioned in it as one of the four ppl tt my fren wanted to talk about. Sometime before a problem did arise and one of the issues involved was me being termed as "close" to that person. Though tt was not the underlying issue of the entire problem, it was still this term tt made other parties think tt i was a reliable source for some misunderstandings tt came about after a meaningless convo. I thought i could never make it even as a close fren of that person despite my underlying intentions tt i used to have. During my hardtimes, i dunno why i still carried on with those thoughts and why i had to depend on tt person to help me. Its not as if my fren owed me anything or wat and not as if tt person had to help me jus cos i had those intentions. And how i behaved makes me look sick cos its so unfair to tt person. It seems like i was rather being an oppurtunist then, to make tt person feel for me during a time where by my life was so darkened. I dunno why i behaved as such but purely, its my mistake to have behaved like tt. But wasnt too long ago tt i figured wat i was doing was wrong and i actually gave up on such thoughts. Anyone in her shoes will not even bother talking to me for being like tt. But being her, she took the trouble to reason out why things were as such and she actually mentioned tt she in a way had caused the hurt on me during times when i was really down. I am seriously lost for words to realize tt i have made such a fren who could actually be so nice to me after whatever nonsense i have done. I am so happy about how things have turned out to be between us. I usually believe things happen for a reason. This is one of it. If it was to have turned out my way, probably i wouldnt have known how to appreciate her tt much but now, i do know her importance as her fren. Though we never really used to be that good of frens, guess if there is one person tt i should be close to all my life, its her. I m so happy tt i have made a wonderful friednship out off all these. A big Thank You to ya!!! I cant explain how gd i felt to see myself mentioned as a gd fren of hers! Really made my day yesterday, i swear!

2009-02-14T18:54:00.000-08:00

Hey ppl, quite happy with some things in life as for now. I think i have frens who really bother and do care abt watever tt is happening! Thanks joel for coming forward to help though i never expected tt. And thanks to shameni for actually msging me on the 11th. Very nice of ya.

Guess its jus useless abt crying and whining on how my life has turned out to be. Instead, i should jus live it as it is. Take watever tt comes my way and learn how to cope with it. My internet connection was cut recently but i jus got it back with my own savings. I was just tellin my fren tt i have jus started saving after a long time and i told him i'll make sure it hits 1000 mark soon. But had to draw whtever tt was out to pay for the tv and internet. Nvm abt tt, lets see how long i can sustain with this crap!

Vday i chose to stay at home and didnt wanna go anywhere in the form of celebration. Think vday wun work for me. Its jus some other ordinary day in my calender. I think valentine's day should be celebrated with someone whom u truely love! Some might jus wanna cherish their friendship and go out on this day. Well guess tts a gd thing but it doesnt serve the purpose of a vday. A valentine is suppose to be some kind of a person u love, not like!!! Its cos of these two words tt ppl cant distinguish, problems arises. If u ever want to celebrate a day to cherish ur frens, tts wat friendship day is for!!! Nothing wrong to go out with frens on v day but dun make it such tt u have to celebrate vday with them instead jus go out jus like its any other normal day!!!

I would like to talk abt this vday incident tt strike my thoughts yesterday. I was in j2 then! Well, jc was so fun in the sense tt i get to collect lots of vday gifts and also i took the trouble to actually buy for ppl too. Never had this kinda exchange before jc cos i was in boys' sch for like the previous ten yrs then! Hahaha. so this kinda present exchange thingy was really very new for me. Not exactly an exchange cos ppl who gave me didnt really expect anything back so i felt the gifts were truely genuine. With tt i gotta talk abt the most memorable one tt i recieved. Tt day i was jus giving out the roses tt i bought for a few gals in sch. Suddenly, my friend angie tan gave me a real rose with a special card! Well, it was not by her but she was suppose to be the 10th person to recieve it and pass it to me! I was quite surprised tt someone actually took the trouble to plan it in such a way. Seriously, i didnt have a clue on who it was. I really appreciated the gift a lot and wanted to thank whoever who gave me it to me, in person! But till now, though i have a rough idea of who it is, i cant confirm tt she is the one. The card actually said tt i was the person's hero and be it singing or running i was always her superstar! Wat a complement and i was truely amazed by it. Still have the card with me!!! As for the person i think who gave me it, i truely didnt know tt at that time she was in a way interested in me. I never knew honestly! Its only after she left and like 6mths to one yr later, i ever knew abt it. We were not even proper frens in the first place so guess she mistook me of avoiding her when i actually behaved the normal way i was. But yea its quite funny to think abt those memories now. Its glad to know tt that gal has moved on in a way and is now happy wih her bf and all haha! Cool!

Last yr's v day was never a memorable day at all. Firstly, it was jus 3days after tt incident. Plus i was in my dampest moods of all. However, i still wished whomever i wanted to on tt day after giving a long thought abt it. There was only one as a matter of fact. I was really very down cos i was suppose to get a gift on the nite of the 11th feb for tt person and pass it to her for v day,sometime later! But, i never expected 11th feb nite to turn out in such a way tt i cant forget tt day ever in my life! So whenever its vday, i think this thoughts will come haunting me!

I have no interest for anyone at all and this is something very new abt me. Cos i rmb having a thought abt at least someone when i was in jc, throughout my army days and even last yr till sch started or wat. After entering uni, my love interest fell to an absolute zero haha! Dunno if its the work load tt i am occupied with or my own family situation tt is keeping me away from such interest. But tts the fact. Furthermore, i think i wouldnt want anyone who is not as gd as the last person whom i ever liked. It seems tt its quite hard for a gal to be better than tt,however i shall jus wait and see if anyone ever will be! But yea though there mite be some gal who might be like tt in the future, the chances tt she will like me back is very low i think. So yea i dunno how this is gonna end!

Thanks for the few who actually wished me for vday! Sorry for not replying back. Haha! Kindaf tells u tt i m a affected person deep within but jus dun wanna show it! On a lighter note, i actually won a vday luckydraw prize in ntu. Dunno wat kinda prize it is but yea, its the only gift i have gotten for this vday!!! Hahaha

2009-02-08T02:59:00.000-08:00

Well, i created this blog to list out the feelings tt was suppressed deep within me, whenever i wanted to! There is one thing tt has affected me in life in a very big way and i always wanted to talk abt it but didnt want my reputation to be gone or std of living to be known to anyone. But now, guess everything has build up to a pt where i need to let it out!!! I would appreciate if ppl who read this today, to just take this as a mere entry and not ask me anything abt it as i dun wish to discuss it with anyone. Also i m not the kind who would want anyone's sympathy, so if u feel for me, thanks but dun ever tell me tt u know abt wat i have said here. This is my only other way to let out wat's in my heart, since the first option of pouring out everything to my mum could never happen again!!! Pls pls, for those who re not tt close to me, avoid reading watever tt is typed after this. I apologize for typing out such a sad and loser post though i never really wanted to do so.

My dad is unhappy with me for shouting at him in the past week. Why? Well, it was jus another issue tt made me shout at him, or maybe tell him in a rude manner tt wat he was doing was pure stupidity! Firstly, there were so many other stuff tt he did before this that raised the tension level within me to react in such a way. The last being he lending the car to my sis yet again despite him tellin me and my maid tt he would nvr do tt again. Well for those who dun know abt my first sis, she is basically a bitch who is more cunning and more sly than a bladie wolf. A pure bitch who would cause her children to regret of having such a mum! She is basically using my dad for her own use, despite ill treating him and also us during our hard time a few yrs back. Not tt i want my dad to take revennge on her or not help her at all. We ourselves re stuck in a hole and he wants to help others when he cant afford to. The agreement tt he had with her was to lend her the car till her delivery for a fourth child, of her second huband! Now, she came back asking for the car and there it starts all over again. Well, i was suppose to use the car last friday, but it failed due to this cos it was with my fucking cb sister. That was the truth behind me not bringing the car to school. Well, i had to put up with a false smile in school jus to keep this away and i can tell u tt the feelin is terrible when u have to do it almost everyday.

Well, mite appear as if its a small issue. As i said this is jus the pile up from the previous issues. The reasons, i have the right to be angry with my dad re plenty. Everything started even before my mum left us! Nov 2007, i was in Australia when my family had to shift out of our condominium, my fav house since i was born. My third sis walked out on my dad and didnt wanna support the burden of the family though my dad was financially hit. She jus didnt wanna lose any more penny for my dad, which i really hated her for. It all ended up with us losing our precious house. That was the biginning of the downturn. Dec 2007, when i came back, i didnt even know how the rented hse would look like. I was totally lost. Somehow found a way to my new place and realized tt there wasnt even a lift here. Had to climb to the third storey to reach my flat. The only thing tt made me smile tt day was my mum's smile, showing how much she awaited for my return. I wanna hug her even now thinking abt it. I jus felt home after seeing her, despite the new underated flat tt we were in. Its a very small hse and my dad was forced to pay quite a bit for it. They were jus cheating us on it n my father as usual got cheated. Well, nvm abt it. My dad still had like 100,000 in cash to secure us a new hse in the future. My mum, dad and i used to go to several hses tt were for sale. Both me and my mum had the same taste and we didnt like those flats tt my dad liked then. My mum would always want me to be included in the decision making process cause she sees the need in her son be part of it all. I really appreciated tt a lot. She respected watever i said.

Feb 11, unexpectedly, the hospital killed my mum who was suppose to be still breathing here now. All of us in the family were devastated. My third sis and first sis didnt visit my mum even once during her last few days, though they knew abt her admittance in the hospital. But somehow, the claim tt they didnt know though i have proof tt they did know. I dun wanna go into the tt part as for now. After like a month or so, we recieved insurance money of 50,000. My dad used to say we needed at least tt to guarantee us a hse and tt all will be smooth flowing. My mum somehow wanted us to carry on with our dreams even after she left us. So all in all my dad had more than sufficent amt jus for housing.

My mum used to cry to me sayin tt my dad was lying to her abt the bank balance in his act. According to my mum, he was secretively withdrawing money and it was somehow disappearing away. He spent close to 20,000 within a month for god knows wat. But yea he finally said tt it was for some business and the money would come back in double. I convinced my mum and told her not to worry and to trust my dad. At tt time i didnt know why my mum was so suspicious abt my dad. Apr we started to restructure our lives and progress further. We called for the hse agent and all. Everything seemed very normal and steady at this pt of time, from wat i know.

I trusted on my dad to handle this and thought he would really take it seriously and find us a proper housing to live in, without a need to pay huge sum of rents to a lousy housing tt we were in. A few months past. July 2008, i asked my dad on why the hse agent never showed up even once and asked him wats the current status of us finding for a new hse. My dad was afraid by my question, tt i didnt really realize then, and he just nodded his head to handle the situation giving me the false idead tt everything was still goin on as normal. As i further questioned him on whether we will be moving anytime soon, he again agreed but didnt say it convincingly. But since i trusted him so much, i didnt wanna question him further. August 2008, i was shocked to hear from my maid tt my dad had used up almost everything in his bank and tt less than a quarter of wat he had was left. I was so down tt as a son, i didnt know anything abt this and my maid had to elighten me.

I got very angry with my dad for spending duch a huge sum without my knowledge and angrily reacted, asking him to tranfer 10,000 to my account for my studies. My dad was disheartened by me reacting in that way but was gonna do the transfer since i insisted so harshly on him. But i was regretting ten folds more tt i behaved in such a manner and told my dad nvm he didnt have to as i trust him to at least take care of my studies and hold the cash at least for tt. Dunno why, i somehow wanted to apply for students' loan then and it got approved. Sch started and i was busy with it not knowing watever tt was happening.

Things reached my ears one by one. First, i heard my first si took 20,000 dollars from my dad for her difficulties. Secondly, i heard my second sis opened up a shop and my dad had to finace for her first cos she didnt have enuff to do so on her own so he forked out 10,000dollars for tt. Thridly, he practically gave his car to my thrid sis cos her car got towed away. Initially tt car was only suppose to be lent to her for 2 days, but it become three awful months. Forthly, i heard my dad opened up a shop despite the 100,000dollars lost he inucurred by opening one 7-8 yrs ago which cuased him to suffer big time financially for the first time in his life. Lastly i heard all the money tt he intially withdrew from his bank saying tt it was for some business, was all taken by ppl and not returned to him. They jus cheated him on it. I had to hear all these nonsense from my maid, who didnt tell me anything till everything was over. Also it was one week away from my finals, tt i heard this and i totally broke down tt day when i heard it.

Sooner or later, i realised why my dad used to hide all the bank letters tt came home. All his money was used up fully. Not leaving behind anything. Neither for my studies nor for the housing. My mum always feared my dad of losing it all and was very angry with him at times when he actually did such stuff. Her last dream, for my dad, was to come up well in life and to live a happy life in a new hme. Did he do tt? No. He didnt and he miserably failed in it. None of my sisters fulfilled my mum's dreams though i m not gonna talk wat they were. Those were her last wished and they cant even do tt bit for her. Including my DAD.

Now, there is no way tt we can buy a new hse, till the day tt i actually get my own salary. From a person who was bron under air conditioned situation, i am forced to sleep without one. Nott tt i cant but it is now a dream to live under one. Tts how much my life has turned. We dun even have the lowest std of housing under our name. What we have is purely a rented flat. Totally nothing tt my dad did to secure our financial needs. Hmmm. Do i deserve this? All in all, no one bothered to tell me wat was going on n left me to rod like tt. When i actually got to know and got angry, they were not happy tt i was gettin angry. Wat else can i do. Is it wrong to think tt i need to live like how other frens of mine re living. I dun wanna fanatsic life to live. But at least the bare minimum would do. Now its not even tt. My dad couldnt even keep my internet running tt i have to actually tap on other's network to run my internet and lie to my frens tt my comp suddenly not working. Somehow now it is really spoilt but wat i m trying to get at is tt my dad cant even provide tt bit.

Yes he is working alone and all. But i was the most relieved person to see my dad having suffiecent rest and no worries at all when all the money was in the bank with him. Why has he got to use it up? Why? I dunno. He jus screwed my life basically without even thinkin tt i was solely dependent on him. right now, i cant even afford to pay for my sch bill, which i was suppose to pay on the 30th of jan. Despite telling him a month ago, he failed to give me tt amt. I was still patient and told him at least by the next deadline he hes to. But i dunno if he would bother saving up for it. One can easily say i shouldnt stress my father cause he is also suffering with me. But i wouldnt have been angry if tt was the only case. The main thing here is tt he still intends to get a rented flat together with my first sis, despite knowing tt i hate her to the core and to provide her his income to run her family well. Sriously, how am i suppose to react? He told my maid tt i should not scold him abt this anymore. Well now, i cant even do tt. So yea, tts it. This is why i have to type it all out here cos thats the only thing i can do abt this. Tts all i m allowed to do.

I dunno where this is gonna end up in. All i wish is tt, all my frens and ppl whom i know should never ever experince a life tt i am living and tt they should never suffer the way i am. Hope my mum is hearing this out! I m all alone down here mum and ur son who was once always smiling, can never stop tearing and tt too, deep within the heart! Do i really deserve this????

2009-02-05T05:53:00.000-08:00

hmmm some problems never seem to die out. It keeps coming again and again!!! Nevermind i'm sick of saying it so yea, let's jus give up on it! Last fri was pretty awesome. Had a jolly good time cos met up with all the scout commanders after such a long time. Really nice seeing them back. We were reminiscing all those tt happened during our ns life. Was really hilarious tt everyone remebered everything so clearly. Got to meet up again!!!

Saturday was supposedly my mum's one yr death anniversary according to indian's tradition. Dunno why is tt so when feb 11 is suppose to be the exact one yr period! For me, i think i will be really down on feb 11 itself cos already i feel slightly low. Cant believe one yr had past so fast. The last time i teared thinking about it was not very long ago too. Its within the past seven days. And yea, sat i wasnt feeling gd at all. It was painful to do the prayers for my mum's photo and buy her all her fav food. Never imagined tt i would be doing this for her. Wished all this never happened and it was all part of a huge nightmare. Well, ehhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday was the only day i had for my studies. I did try to put it to gd use. Did work relatively well. Managed to prepare well for my maths test which was on the next day. Met up with faye at northpoint at ard noon cos she didnt know wat else to do there as her rockclimbing class was 2hrs away. Enjoyed talking to her and telling her quite a number of stuff tt was happening in my life. It feels very nice when u actually let out important stuff to a very trustworthy and longtime fren. Enjoyed my time while with her!

I have come to a conclusion tt driving to sch everyday would be a stupid idea as it is gonna cos me hell lots for petrol. Based on my calculations, it will cost me 80 dollar more if i drive twice a week and 160 more if i drive everyday! Guess i'll go with once a week which will still cost me 40 dollar more for transport per month!

Dunno why but i find it very hard to sleep. I was actually half asleep yesterday and i was quite stunned tt my whole life jus like flashed past. I mean from the time i was a kid in kindergarten, then pri sch, followed by sec and so on! Everything was so real and was so true. Dunno how come those images still stay frsh in my brains but yea kinda weird. Normally i heard a person who is gonna pass away will have such weird moments. Hahaha. Not tt i am gonna die but its shocking tt such moments do happen to me too. Very tired now. This weekend is thaipusam and i'll be joining in for my fren's kavadi. Sch pace is starting to pick up. Not tt it was slow in the first place. Its actually too fast for me now i feel with a lots of tests coming up in such limited amt of time. Haiz. Someone, pls save me! Adiyos!!!

2009-01-27T19:42:00.000-08:00

Krishna's farewell dinner before he leaves to Australia again, took place on Saturday at Lau Pa Sat. I swear i am gonna make sure i m not gonna go there in the next two yrs!!! Lau pa sat is pretty much hyped about its food but the quality is not sustained when u actually go there and taste the dishes urself! The worst dish we ever ate that day was the lemon chicken, 10dollars per plate! We ordered two cos we tot one plate wouldnt be enough for 9ppl! The lady recommended it to us somemore saying tt her lemon chicken was famous. I guess they were famous, but for the wrong reasons. Not tt the taste was bad but the quantity was super pathetic. If someone asked me to list down a price for tt plate, i would probably give it 4dollars at most! 10dollars was jus nightime robbery!!!!(murali said cant say daylight robbery cos it happened at nite) After tt we ended our day with tf2 for even kurseth joined us. She gave a positive response to the game after playin it and she did come for a second time two days later which shows tt the game could be in fact played by anyone. We only had one hr to play but we all enjoyed the game thoroughly in tt short time as it was a neck to neck fite for tt entire hr. We emerged winners at the end and the feeling was shiok!

Monday was NUS's Sports Sprectra! Managed to reach the sch correctly after just hearing the directions from raja once. Good job Garnie! Hahaha. But going back was a prob of cos since raja didnt tell me tt part, more like i didnt ask him hahaha! Initially i tot if i had to go down for spectra it would be a waste of time and i could put tt time to better use, by studying. However, my thoughts changed after going there. Ntu was really doing well with all the teams that it sent. Though some teams got eliminated after first round, it was a commendable effort since 4/6 teams for both sports managed to go to the next round! Was a proud moment for even me, to support NTU for the games as NTU jus proved to be too good and impressive. Both the female team and male team made it to the finals for their respective games. Didnt win for both games in the finals but NTU did put up a tremendous fite. They created this tension level tt even i sensed as a spectator. The soccer guys were really awesome. Was amazed by their skills. Truely marvellous. The gals were spectacular in changing the lead from time to time in the finals and it was getting scarier every single moment. Well, was glad i was there. I think the netball game was a very fair one though some ppl mite say this and tt. NUS really excelled in the way tt they played and could really see that they were the strongest there and they deserved the victory. NTU did put in its maximum best at it but just didnt go our way in the end. So instead of saying that it is always NUS's game at the capt's ball, which i think is a very immatured comment to make, have the sportsmanship to accept the defeat. I'm sure the NTU players all had this sportsmanship and tt sportsmanship , was the highlight of the day in my opinion!

There is one issue that certain ppl have brought out to me! I thought i owed an explanation from the time this happened. Just tt more ppl re sensing it and asking me about it which kindaf irritates me. Sometimes u wun know the sole reason to the problem and u jus see the exterior portion of it! Which makes u conclude certain stuff. This is the case for some. Not that its their fault but i m not able to give an explanation to them. Neither do i wanna defend myself and put up a gd image. Cos i am infact doing this for a reason, and think tt i need to to be like tt for gd! To put it simply, studying is my main priority now. Not tt wat i m doing now would garner me gd results later. Cos my results also depend on how hard i work which is not happeneing at present. But still, taking such actions will save me the time and sleep tt i need and more importantly give me the peace tt i need. I have come to a stage in life where i need to make sure i swallow every single problem tt i face within me and also to prioritise my time on studies without bothering myself thinking abt these problems. Guess i m not allowed to do wat i want when another person gets involved. Though their intentions mite be right, ppl's privacy should be appreciated. I am someone who needs to be left alone when i am alone! There re definately other reasons but this reason is the gist of the entire issue here! I realize i have become someone who cant share his problems with anyone. Wasnt like tt before but now it is like tt. I prefer everything expressed in my blog when i need to rather than to someone personally!!! Even for blogging, i take my own sweep time to do it rather than it being an everyday thing!

Some void will never be gone! It always remain. It still feels as though i have not gotten out of it. Guess it would be as such, as long as i dun find the love tt i lost thru my mum!!! The pain is unbearable. Really wished she was still here with me. I tend to realize more about the importance of her presence as days go by! Every single beautiful or sad moment tt i experience urges me to think in a way like, "why is she not here to share it with me?"

Luck hasnt been on my side for very long. I was always in the losing end of it! I dun have what it takes to get what i want it seems. Let it be! Time will bring the change tt i need!!!

2009-01-21T06:47:00.000-08:00

There is workload piling up as the semester progresses. There is so much of stuff covered and it is a bit hard to keep up with the pace though i have somehow managed it. Cant remember wat happened last week but a few events do stay fresh in my memory. Finally did my ippt, tt i was trg for the past three weeks. Well, i am very disappointed with my fitness. First of all, this is the first time in my life had i not gotten a gold. And not jus tt, i knew i might not be gold calibre before the test but i really expected at least a silver. But no, didnt even get silver. Instead it was an incentive, similar to bronze! Not entirely my fault tt this happened. My sweaty palms were the cause for me to fall off the pull up bar which was quite slippery though i tot it was like a better material than the normal traditional metal bar. Was really pissed cos i usually adjust at the pull up bar itself when i m at ard 6 or 7. And i do 3 more at least after tt. I did 11 the last time i did it which was two months back. But somehow i couldnt hold the bar back when one of my hands gave way from the bar. Only did 7. One more pull and i would have gotten a silver cos it would have given me an additional point which is an overall silver. Damn!!! Ok wat was my fault was my running. I never did anything above 8.30 min for the past dunno how many yrs. This time i really tot i did well cos i was panting like shit and felt tt i was running fast. But the timing i got was a flat 10.00min. It might be a satisfactory timing for most but being a runner during my secondary, jc and army days, i think this timing really shows how much i have detoriated. One thing tt i was proud of myself was when i realised i was more well built than 80percent of them there. All the gyming did help me to shape up my body in such a way n i feel gd abt it! But guess since i wun be runnin now after ippt, fats will start to develope again in unwanted regions tt i managed to lose due to running. Maybe i should continue runnin once in awhile eh!

After ippt on sat, i didnt rest cos had to go for Ashwini's unofficial b dae celebration at east coast. Finally got to drive the car after like 2months. The car was with my first sister all this while cos her car got towed away and she needed the car for her goods to be delivered. Also she was allowed to use the car for such a long period due to her pregnancy. If not for tt, the car would have been mine long time ago. Anyway back to saturday. I drove to east coast to practise my driving. I think i have lost quite a bit of skill from the last time cos i used to be very smooth and safe. I feel both these factors have gone down. I dun feel tt safe when i am driving though my frens did said tt it was not bad at all. Guess i need more practise. And the roads are all quite confusing though i can remember a few routes. There is lots more to memorise still!

Played touch rugby at east coast with ashwini and gang. Was really fun cos been long time since we played it and we did play all out. so yea, enjoyed a lot though i was freakin tired cos of ippt earlier tt day. Didnt study properly at night as i was too tired. But didnt jus relax, instead i did some revision so tts worth mentioning. Haha.

Ok wat happened on Sunday was the most unforgottable times in my life so far. We all went down to beatty sec to play soccer. Well as for the match, our formation was totally jumbled and i was playin attacking midfield tt day. We let in four goals and all the goals were very pathetically let in by our stupid mistakes. Our worse defending so far i must mention cos i wasnt happy with how the defence was working. I did get to score a goal which was due to the opponents mistake at the penalty box. Not a goal of any skill or wat. Just happened to be at the right place at the right time. Missed a couple of shots in which i should have converted one in but i kicked the ball as if i never played soccer before. Letchmanan who passed the ball to me was pissed from his looks cos tt kindaf balls should never be missed.

Anyway, the match was not the infamous incident but it was wat happened after tt. We all were discussing abt our tactics and tts when suvin went to his bag to check for his phone. Suddenly he sounded out saying his wallet and phone were missing. Initially i tot he misplaced it and wanted to ask him to look for it again. But krish suddenly voiced out tt his belongings were also missing. Didnt stop there. It was followed by sara's belongings and letchmanan's belongings. We did call for police and all and reported the entire incident. But during tt time 2000 dollars was transacted from Letchmanan's account cos he happened to save his password in his hp. Another sum of money was used thru purchase of some gd at a shopping ctr worth a few hundreds. The matter was getting very serious after we heard abt these transactions. Went to the st georges lane to check the dustbins down there for the wallets as that was way the final transaction was made, but to no avail. Haiz. Feel really sorry for krish and letchmanan especially cos they lost the most. My stuff was safely intact cos i placed my bag at a sightful place during the match. Well, this is an expensive lesson that we should learn as krishna said. This is why we shouldnt take the line, "never leave ur things unattended", lightly!

Been very irritated with the way the police worked during that day. I know tt there is tt much tt they could do but with the little tt they could afford to do, they didnt do it properly. Dun wish to comment abt it here as its not safe to do so! anyway, this week i am tring my best to keep up with sch's pace and so far it is goin well. Jus tt i find my tue very hectic as i only get one hr break despite it being one of my longest day. But yea, wed is a break for me this sem so i think a few sacrifices need to be made. Cny is coming which means long break. Shall put it to good use. Adiyos for now!

2009-01-13T06:58:00.000-08:00

Alright! Feel quite good cos i manage to revise and do one tutorial effectively and its computing!!! So yea. Had been very slack all this while and i am getting very frsutrated abt it. Very hard to put myself into one piece and start working. I feel very lazy and tired, until a pt tt i only feel like sleeping. But guess now tt is slowly changing. Hopefully i progress even more.

I am quite frustrated abt my chem module. Seriously the notes sucks to the core. They expect those who didnt take chem , like me, to jus understand everything magically. The lecturer sucks even more. She is so fast and not even bothered if ppl understand what she is trying to say! Haiz. Die laa like tt. Anyways, last week celebrated Sara's 22nd birthday at thai express vivocity. First time i actually ate there. So didnt exactly know wat to order but since sweet and sour dishes are my all time fav, i decided to order the sweet and sour fish rice. Was really solid. It kinda gets freaky tt all of us re turning older much faster than expected.We guys knew each other since the day we were wearing shorts to sch, hahaha sec 1 and 2 i mean. We were like 13 then! Now its like almost 9yrs. Omg! Haiz scary sia. Well, coming back to the celebration, we made it very simple. We didnt even tot of getting a cake nor a present cos this yr we re planning to save our money wisely. If we had to spend so much on one birthday, the following ones would also cost hell lots. So yea to keep it low, we started off like tt. So yea all the birthdays will be celebrated at a nice diff restaurant and the others will treat the bdae boy! Yea.
Ended of the celebrations with tf2. Was gd and fun.

Sunday was the much anticipated soccer match at Anderson Sec. We really wanted to end our goal drought and win. Well, only half the mission was accomplished though. Our team's letchmanan scored one to equalise and we drew the game. Honestly, our team was quite strong tt day and we could have easily trashed the opponents who were in their 30s. But yea we were to panicky and didnt take our chances well. But at least there re improvements. Our last 20 min was exceptionally gd and i was very ahppy with the way we played at tt time. Great! And yea, joshua joined us beginning this match and he was a good recruitment. He played solidly and did his role as a left midfield well. This sunday there is gonna be another match at beatty sec. Hopefully we win this time.

Monday and tue had been sch days. Jus starting to work but not so effectively yet. Guess will take a few more days! Anyway, my maid is finally back home safe. Feel very happy abt it. Means i wun have to go buy my own meals late at night all. Lots of precious time saved and most importantly, home food is finally here. I have to say tt my maid's presence here really makes a huge difference. The house was in total mess. The clothes were all not washed. Everything was so disorganised. Now everything is the total opp of wat it was for the past 3 weeks. I wun have to sleep alone at home already and tts another gd thing. I realised though i suffered without my maid here, i still coped well and didnt complain abt being alone, not tt i have someone to complain to haha. But yea was quite gd. I manage to keep everything in place as far as possible. Still ate my 4 meals a day. Not bad.

Been quite relaxed now and my mind feels awesomely clear. I dun feel anymore tension or irritated feeling. Guess gonna keep it this way and not worry abt anything else besides my studies. enjoy whatever else happens at the mean time too. Nothing else to say already, so guess tts all for now.

2009-01-07T05:16:00.000-08:00

2009 has started and so did sch. Holidays seemed so short! Wished tt it was longer. The month of december for me was so awesome as i was out like more than 7/8 of the time! New year eve celebrations was at pump room microbrewery at great world city. We could only gather 7 of our guys then but it was gd enuff for celebration. We ate at kenny rogers first. Well dun really think its tt great. The chicken was not tt awesome! Not up to expectations. Spent abt 20 there! Afterwhich, we went to the pump room. Well wasnt tt easy getting a place at microbrewery tt day. We only decided abt new yr celebration plans the day before. So we didnt have enuff time to make reservations. The initial idea was to have it at clark quay pump room microbrewery. But that damn place was fully booked! So we were finding for many other options. In the end we decided on great world city pump room as its the same place but a much less happening venue. However, things were quite awesome there as we managed to see the fireworks from there unlike the previous yrs. We ordered two towers before new yr started. Scottish ale and india pale ale! I think the scottish ale was quite gd! Didnt make any resolutions this time for new yr. Didnt wish anyone myself. Tot sending msg thru handphone is quite a outdated thing to do. Somemore the network would be so jammed at that time. So yea only msged those who msged me. We decided to go tf2 ryte after we finshed our IPA. Was quite terrible laa. But still fun. Reached home only at 7am tt day.

Went for running on Fri after ages. Went with shalu, shanthu, Shameni and raja to macritchie early in the morning at ard 9. Me and raja did one guys route, followed by a gals route. It adds up to abt 7km plus. But running again at macritchie after a long time was a nice feeling. Once upon a time, tt was like my secondary home. Have been trainging for cross country from sec 1 till jc there! The place has been changed quite a bit. But yea, wasnt tt easy running tt much of distance after a long time. I know i cant compare my pace with last time but i did ok for my current standards hahaha. At least didnt stop.

Saturday was jj's 21st birthday. Seriously, they had so much of drinks available for free but not more than 5 ppl went to ask for those. I was quite surprised. If it was a indian party, bet the drinks would have finished. I took 4-5 glasses of tiger beer. Its never lousy to drink free cold beer u know haha! had the opputunity to meet a number of trackers tt i havent seen for quite some time. Not bad at all. Sunday was my soccer game at bedok south. We were seriously lacking all the key players in our team. But somehow, managed to make up one with wat we have. We didnt expect to win from the start cos we knew that the opponents were very strong. Surprisingly, almost everyone played above expectations. I was happy with the way the team was woring despite losing. cos there was some sort of team work this time ard. We even created a few offside traps. Really respectable performance. Guess i should change my match agent already cos he gave me the most fucked up fields of all. Ws really pathetic. And he expected a full sum of 90. My team said they wun pay anything more than 50. In the end we only paid 50 but that match agent started making noise. But yea not much he can do. He deserves wat he offers. We got a better field for next sunday's match. One of our fav teams in fact. Gonna play as a defensive midfielder this time ard. I jus wanna get out of the usual right back position i play and start focusing on midfield so tt i can run up and down. Its would be better for me cos i always run up as a right back but its very tiring whenever i have to run back to defend. So guess this position will let me do wat i want. Looking forward for the game.

Monday was first day of sch. Damn boring i have to say. Introductory lectures only so yea nothing much. Headed back home from sch and met up with krish raja and ashwini after tt at northpoint's sakura. didnt eat there cos i ate at home. Left to the airport after tt to send jj off. A really nice fellow. Felt pretty sad when he teared after hugging his mum! Its always the mum tt misses the son the most it seems. Could see it very clearly on how much she was gonna miss him. the dad was pretty cool. Could see that he was controlling his tears back. Well hopefully he enjoys the 4yrs there and studies real well like he always does. He should be fine cos he is capable of anything.

Today went for running again at macritchie. Well if u were wondering why suddenly i have started running and all, its simply cos my ippt is on the 17th this month. I know that i suck at my running and fitness now tts why before ippt, i am trying to regain a silver-gold std! Dun really expect gold tt much cos my body aint like before. Can feel tt its harder to run nowadays. Krish joined us this time and he too did the 7km plus route. Guess its good for SFC too for soccer cos both of us can run better now for the games.

Hae been home alone or almost alone for the past two weeks already. Really suck eating outside food every single day. Not been eating well cos i really got sian after the past 2 weeks. My maid is only coming back on the 13th. Abt 6days left. Its quite scary to sleep alone at home but somehow i am managing it. Not bad so far. I am more independant then before which is gd. And yea, think would be much better when my maid comes back cos i can sleep without any fear. Gonna start sleepin early for this em cos last sem this is wat tt played me out. Its pointless to go sch when u re dead tired and sleepy and not absorbing anything during lectures. Should sleep by 12.30 this time ard so tt i can have sufficent rest for the next day's lesson. And yea gonna cut down on outings and other nonsense. Guess i gotta work till 12 before i go to sleep. Cannot afford to waste my time on unnecessary stuff all! Studies come on top of anything else for me and i have no choice but to stick to this policy for the next few yrs!

2009-01-01T05:31:00.000-08:00

HeY! Well, i couldnt find anytime before the new yr to blog as i was too busy with outings. Guess today would be proper for me to reflect on how 2008 was for me. Ok, 2008 has been really a yr of very little ups and many downs! Haha. Most ppl whom i know re sayin tt 2008 was gd for them. But well, guess its not the same for me. I would consider 2008 as my worst yr so far!

The yr 2008 started off well for me. I had gotten the unit best commander award, my nsf life was coming to a close and I was more confident abt working towards a better understanding with someone!!! Was having a hell of a time going out with my parents and family members after a long time in life. I even mentioned in one of my entries earlier this yr tt the happiness was evident after we got rid of the financial issues. And since 2 yrs of national service was ending, i planned to spend quality time with my parents since i missed spending time with them for very long. Had so many plans before i was even gonna ord! Work, school, gyming and outings. I even tot of doing some courses like learning guitar and a foreign languauge. My ord date was on the 6th of February! A day tt i would never forget. Not tt it was a fantastic end to my army life, but it was the beginning of the end of my dearest and lovable Mum. That night, she was in pain and we rushed her to the hospital. The hospital itself didnt know if it was serious, tt they showed negligence in their work. The cost was my Mum's precious life. Never would i forget Feb 11th in my life, cos tts the day happiness left away from me! A day tt i realized there is only one love tt is inseperable in life, and tts the one between a Mother and her son. Losing someone who i loved the most in my entire 21 yrs of life, is something tt is painful than anything else in this world.

Anyways, life since tt day was abt how i had to overcome the sorrow and move on with my life thereafter. I made myself busy by finding a job as a relief teacher. Hit the gym whenever possible and didnt give myself any time to rest so tt i could forget abt whatever tt has happened. Found out who re the ppl true to me cos tt was the time i needed aid the most. Special thanks to frens like Rama, Sharadha and Sara! All my sji indian frens showed how much they cared for me during these tough period and i was so happy i made such gd frens. My army guys were truly amazing has almost everyone came down for the funeral and showed support. Really thank them from the bottom of my heart. Infact all the frens i have met for the past 21yrs had showed great support by jus showing up, so thanks to all of ya'll! There were some disappointments here and there during tt tough period but i understand why things were as such. But though i may forgive, i wun forget! Relatives are never helpful at all and it was evident during this important time.

Somehow, half the yr past with me tearing for almost everyday of it! May onwards i was really quite free! I started meeting a lot of my frens having splendid time with them. This is when i really thought of something more than ever in my life. I wanted to get closer somehow and tell what i felt. Took part in certain events and went for some shows tt i can never imagine myself to be in. Met lots of complications and problems soon after! Time arrived when i finally learnt tt i was purely wasting time for the past one yr plus! Decided i should give up and get prepared for uni life! Till this pt i never really had much laughter in my life.

Uni started. Met several new frens there. Very happy to have made such awesome friendships ard me. I loved the times in sch as it made me busy and it occupied most of my time. Its never nice when u have truely nothing to do! Uni's pace is very fast i have to admit. And every single second spent in sch actually counts and the hardest part is tt, u re all on ur own. I didnt realize it till recently. My results showed why others were better though in the final paper, we all were rooughly the same. The small tests had their part to play too. Very disappointed with my results as i really worked my ass off for it. But guess it should have been done from the start so tt my class tests would have helped me get the better grades tt i needed!
Nevermind, next semester is when i'll correct all those mistakes tt i did for sem 1.

I got my license in 2008 in my first attempt. Felt very happy abt it as i felt I accomplished one of the most important tasks i had! However, i didnt get the chance to drive tt much as the car is not with my father for sometime though he owns it. My dad disappointed me in a very huge way this yr. He made matters worse, took away the last bit of happiness within me and has caused me to reach to a state in life where i have never been to. I had to also deal with these problems all by myself without the aid of anyone. Showed me how much my mum shielded me away from such problems when she was ard. Now i know how tough her role was! And yea, though i didnt expect someone to know abt wat was goin on, they did infact knew abt it. And all confusions, thoughts and feelings were cleared. Dunno if its gd or bad, but yea it had a huge impact on me in a way tt i have to add it in here.

2008 was filled with many 21st parties tt i had to attend to. Finally its over and i feel happy abt it. I didnt get to celebrate mine the way i wanted to cos of a reason u'll should know by now. All the festive occasions i was really lonely at home. Be it deepavali, christmas or new yr! Felt like some prisoner during these times when ppl ard me were enjoying. But guess this is the kind of life tt i am fated to.

As u can see, there is hardly any gd memories tt 2008 left in me. I found it very hard to say anything good though i tried but seriously, i couldnt. U would probably agree tt 2008 was a bad yr for me. Never had i gone thru so much of problems and sorrows in my life. Hopefully 2009 turns out to be normal. I dun even wanna expect it to be gd cos of watever tt happened the yr before. Jus wish it would not be as bad as before! But well, u can see me smiling no matter wat despite a bad yr behind me cos somehow, i have come past it! If there is something always gd and making me smile in life, its definately my friends! Hope all my dear frens have a fanstic yr ahead and tt they would all see happiness filled thoughout the whole of this yr. A Happy New Year to all of ya!!!

2008-12-25T03:56:00.000-08:00

Match past sunday was exactly like how singapore vs vietnam one was. We had like 20 chances but couldnt convert in any. Krishna according to me played the best. He jus outran the fellows marking him and took so many shots that were mostly on target. But yea none went in. I took one tt i tot confirm was going in. Went with lots of force but damn, it hit the top post and when out instead. Jus a bit lower, it would have been a goal. We played well but somehow, nothing could be done. And the opponents had like 5 chances and they converted in 4. So yea, dunno wat was goin on. But yea been a long time since we gathered as a team again and played so we expected to lose. If only this was ard june tt time, we would have definately won.

Went for cycling with Anu, Suraen, Suresh, Sachdev, Murali, Kurseth and Rama on Monday. We left from ecp all the way till changi village. Ate at changi village and came back. Played at the playground, climbed the tree branch and played dog and bone in between. Was fun. Never did a cycling outing at this area with these guys so yea was something new. Played tf2 with they guys and went shopping with Rama to queensway the next couple of days. Have been out everyday lately. So decided i should be at home today during xmas. They showed a lot of nice programmes so was watching those. Good way to save money. Nothing much planned for the days ahead besides match this sunday at bedok north at 3pm. Hopefully we perform better this time ard.

Well, school is gonna start in abt 1 and a half weeks from now. I feel damn slack. Dunno if i will get back tt momentum again. Hopefully doesnt take too long. Been quite some time since i talked to my dad. Though i feel very hurt abt it, at the same time, i feel so angry with him. Dunno why he must do these kinda things. Very irritated to actually realize tt my dad did all these without thinking wat the outcome will be and how it will affect the ppl dependent on him, which is me! Very selfish indeed. No wonder my sisters are all as stubborn and selfish as him.

I dunno why, but if i had a family with nice siblings ard, i would really treasure every single moment with them. Looking ard me, i feel many ppl dun realize how important their family are to them. Though they have nice siblings and parents, they dunno how to appreciate. I dunno if its cos they re gals, cos not all gals re like tt. But mostly its these gals who dun appreciate their family members. Anyway, my niece's birthday is coming up, like tmr, but i dunno how to wish her cos my sis dun wanna talk or answer our calls. I miss the kids. Only ppl in my family now tt can bring me back tt laughter.

Guess i have become very used to the loneliness. Maybe, more matured in a lot of ways. I dun waste my time thinking abt unecessary stuff, instead i get on with things tt matters the most. Sort of know wat i exactly want and handle problems with more ease. Hopefully it gets better. Going out regularly and maybe schooling will help forget all the worries. It has so far. I never believed in tellin someone abt my worries and i didnt enjoy doing so when i did. Now i feel so much relaxed and i never remind myself of somethings, tt is not gd to remember, by not sharing them with others. Sort of enjoy this loneliness and private circle tt i have ard myself. I dunno wat else to talk abt for now cos my mind is very empty with nothing great happening in life now. Very dull infact! Should be posting one more entry before the yr comes to an end. Adiyos!!!

2008-12-20T01:14:00.000-08:00

Alright, this past week was so spectacular tt i went out every single day except today, which happens to be a Saturday. Well i chose to stay at home in fact. Last week i said tt i was gonna play soccer and hopefully the rain stops. Yea, it did, but it didnt go too well with me playing soccer. Sunday, 8th of us went to play street soccer at Bishan. Almost all of us came at the same time. Our opponents were those upper secondary school guys. For sometime, we had the feeling tt we were too old and tt we looked more like reservists. Haha sucks man. But yea, at the start we were getting owned cos our area of attack was very slippery. so everytime we take the ball to their side of the court, we had to slow down. Our side was super dry which gave them ample chance to score. But yea, being the superhero tt i tot i was, i dribbled the ball past the opponent and went to an open space on their side of the court. I knew i could confirm score from there so i took a wide swing with my right leg. Next instance, i realized i was in the air, perfectly parallel to the grd for like 2secs. My head bounced of the grd after hitting it, and i jus turned blank for like 2secs. Its was farkinggggggggggggggg painful. I tot i was bleeding so i told my frens to check as i couldnt really be normal. My mind was totally blank. Well, hurt my neck and back and also my backside. I couldnt like stand straight after tt cos was really terrible. Still havent recovered fully but yea, did play more safely after tt n scored a number of goals and we owned the other ppl there. But if not for the injury, everything would have been gd.

Monday,went to watch bolt. Hmm, we had to really crack our heads on wat movie to watch. I asked quite a number of ppl of certain movies. Some told me twilight was gd and they loved it. Some said body of lies was gd and a few said bolt was a safe bet. We all decided to go for bolt. Well, i liked it. I thought the storyline was gd and the dog was really cute. Though not tt funny it was gd. Had a hard time watching it cos my head, neck and back was so pain tt i couldnt seat and watch the movie normally. We went to eat at surya's after tt and left home. Tuesday, first had lunch with my sweetheart, jannu, kalai, kumari, sindhu and raja jaja. couldnt eat well but had fun seeing my sweetheart finally being so talkative and happy. Went out with anu, suraen and krishna after tt to novena for chicken rice jus like our previous outing back in july. I was having a tough time eating cos of my neck and my throat somehow wasnt feeling gd. so yea forced the food in somehow. Afterwhich, we went to mind's cafe. We played ard 5games out of which 4 were wat i usually suggest to my frens to play. The fifth game was damn fun cos that was the first time we played it. Rat-tat-cat! Really interesting game. O yea, murali and kurseth joined us after tt when we were all heading home. And we decided on going to cycling next monday. Still havent been finalised cos of some last minute issues haha. N yea, how can i forget. Suraen and dear anu were soooooo sweet that they bought for me a powerful ointment for me to applt to my injured areas. So nice of them. didnt thought that anyone would go to the extent of buying it for me. But yea, wonderful frens. The ointment was so powerful tt it was really burning the areas tt i applied it. Next day when i woke up, i was 99percent recovered.

Wed turned out to be an awesome day when it was suppose to be a normal one. Last week, i complained it was so hard to get our guys together to do anything. So yea, suraen msged me if we were gonna do anything. I told him nothing was planned and he asked wat abt tf2. I told him to go do the hard job of getting the ppl to play. Well, till 3 there was like no news abt it. So i msged him at 3 telling him tt it seems as if the plan didnt materialze. But guess wat, he replied saying there were already 7 ppl. Was shocking. We planned to meet at 5pm. Final turnout was 10ppl. Had a very powerpact 4 straight hours playing tf2. Was super fun. The teams were equally powerful and we all had a great time competing. Hope to have more of such 5 on 5 tf2 outings.

Thur watched twilight. I think the movie is super gd. I reall liked it cos of the way it was. Vampires and how they were behaving to humans in a very different way. Was damn nice to see the lead pair romancing. Great movie which contained dialouges that were short and sweet. dunno why some ppl told me its a waste of time to watch it. Guess u should know the movie is an adaption from a storybook. Gonna read that book soon when i manage to get it. Had supper with my frens after tt at ard 10plus. Had to cancel one other outing with sajeev and se wei due to last min stuff. i promised them tue and i promise i wun pang seh this time.

Friday, we executed our plan to cycle from east coast to changi village. Was my fifth time doing this but each time i have done it with a diff grp. That makes it very special and also its gd way to bond. Its not like the usual kinda outings tt ppl normally go for. Well, the task is quite tough to complete. Its like a dist of 33km. Last time used to be more but now its like much shorter cos of the speacial pathway tt they have created. The day didnt really start well as we left late from amk after waiting for long for everyone to come. We intended to start at 10m at east coast. Reached only at 12.30. 12.45pm we started out. Seriously speaking, i really thought this grp tt i went with consisting of kalai, sanjay, gapilan, veera, shalu, shanthu, kumari and sindhu couldnt finish the route as shalu looked really tired and was suffering even before we reached the end of east coast. And also, we had kumari and sindhu taking the doubles bicycle. I tot it would be hard for them to manage with tt. But guess wat, after we passed east coast, it was a diff story. We hardly stopped and everything went quite well. Midway, shalu sweetheart suggested a brilliant idea of asking a few to go till changi village to get the food and the rest to go to the changi beach to get the place. The normal plan in my mind was for all to cycle to changi village, buy food there and return to changi beach to eat there. so in a way, her idea cut short the trouble of everyone going. Well, for the record. we actually went till the end of changi beach which was very near the changi village. So in a way, i would say the gals and guys managed to complete the task well. Given everyone's fitness level, was really a big thing tt we reached the destination. Took lots of pics there. I was proud of kumari and sindhu to have done the whole thing with ease. They didnt even complain. Was gd. Hmmm, but the main thing was whether they could cycle back to where we started from. Well, we hardly stopped. cycled all the way and our break was at bedok jetty at east coast which is remarkable for the gals. I really didnt expect them to last tt long before a break. Great effort. Yea it ws tiring but was all gd as all of us had a gd work out. The day didnt end right then. We had a part two to it. Night time met up at yishun for bowling with Gapi,Kalai, Sanjay and Suvin. Shalu, raja and shanthu came for dinner and had to leave before bowling. Was fun at bowling but wished everyone was there. But yea, since all of us were pretty tired, we left home early, ahem, like at 12haha!

As u caN SEE, really a week which i enjoyed doing different stuff. So yea, kewl week. Tmr gonna have our first match again after a very long time. 3pm at greenview sec against opponents who will be wearing blue hahaha. Well tt s all the info i have for the match. Hopefully we wun get our ass trashed. Dunno how to keep myself busy and not bored at home today but i'll try. Trying to plan a canoeing outing next week but it seems hard cos there re some requirments for it. Gotta find out more abt it. Well, tts all for this week then. Tataz!!!!

2008-12-13T20:19:00.000-08:00

Heyy, time for some new updates. well, been going out quite a lot the past few days. Tue played pool with rama at OCC, wed went out with kumari,shalu, shanthini, kalai, shameni, kabilan and suvin to orchard and dhouby ghaut. Started out with kumari getting a present for her dad. Afterwhich the gals wanted to eat. I didnt intend to eat though at the end, had to finish up shameni's food for her. Went to play at mind's cafe ater tt. Was fun playing with this group of ppl cos i have never played with them. Recommended a few games to them and we ended up playing those. Was quite cute to see the gals arguing on who the winner was. After tt kalai treated us to mad jack. Ate the lamb chop there. Seriously u'll should go try it out at mad jack at paradiz. Its quite reasonable. The guys wanted to stay there till late to play lan. I agreed and we played land for dead, a zombie game. Was fun but i was too tired. The guys all got troubled by me like tt n kept askin if i was ok or whether i was too bored. But real reason was tt i was concentrating hard on this new game tt i was playing haha.

Thur suppose to go out with Anu, Suraen and Krish to al ameen and mind's cafe. But anu had some troubles at home which cancelled out the plan. So we decided to carry on the al ameen plan with our own guys, though only 5 came. Was alright cos the food was quite gd. We tried to find for lan shop there but failed to find after travelling from beaty world all the way till crown centre. Fri i watched the sharukh kahn movie. Dun really know how to pronounce the title or spell it out. I found it very simple, predictable but nice. Was ok cos it was suppose to be a romantic comedy and was exactly tt. I liked the songs especailly one of it which he celebrated his bdae with the gal. Didnt quite agree with all the stupid dialogues in the movie. A lot of it was rubbish. Like things tt were said usually dun take place tt easily in life. Those scenes were suppose to make the audience cry but i felt tt it was redundant. After the movie, i spent the nite with kabi,suvin, kalai and sanjay. These guys are extremely fun to be with though i jus gotta know them. They re damn nice fellows who can mix with others very easily. Since we were at yishun i didnt really take note of the time, in the end only reached home at abt 1.

Saturday went to meet up with Faye and the rest of them at Daryl's place. Went there purely for her since i badly wanted to meet her. Wanted to give her the duck tt i bought for her. We went to play table tennis there. Imagine an indian playing table tennis. How good can it get? I totally sucked at it. But was quite hilarious and fun. Enjoyed my time with them though it was for awhile only. Hope to meet up with them soon. Met up with my sji guys after tt to play tf2. Was fun though I and suresh got raped in the game. Ended up eating at Surya's at Little India. I was surprisingly feeling very full and tired once i reached home. Didnt eat my last meal properly.

Today, we were suppose to play soccer match but somehow got cancelled cos we were too late with the planning. Next week most probably can but i got a funny feeling we wun have enough ppl. Lately it has been pretty irritating tt a lot of ppl cant come down for any of the soccer games or trainings tt we have. It was a mutual understanding tt every sunday we gotta keep ourselves free and somehow come down to play. However, i am hearing weird things from diff ppl. Pretty irritating. We always end up with the same 5 to 6 guys who willingly come down to play. With this kinda turn out, i dun think we can go for a soccer match. dun think its easy to have ard 11players. Hopefully later, the rain doesnt spoil our street soccer plan.

Ermm, there was some memorable moment for me this week cos something happened when i didnt even expect it at all. Was quite surprising and shocking at the same time. But i am quite relieved that there was a full stop to it. I thought it would be never ending. Though i have mixed feelings abt the outcome, well somethings ends up to be the way tt they re suppose to be. Not everything in life tt u want, comes to u. Tts one thing tt i learnt from this. Quite funny to think back watever i have done for a better outcome. I cant imagine myself doing such things at all. Well let it be kept within me. Shall never tell ppl watever tt i did for that. Quite embarrasing tt i planned it all out n it looked as if everything jus happened by itself. Anyway, i am surely very affected by all these. In a way, i treat it as a major loss to me. But nevertheless, it aint the first time tt i dun get wat i want. Not new for me in life, to lose. I did try myself to forget abt it quite sometime ago cos i already knew the outcome but till tt very last day, it was extremely difficult. But now, there is seriously no reason why i should worry abt it. I dun think i would be prepared for anything, if u know wat i mean, for the next few yrs. At most 2-3yrs. Dun think its easy for me to be satisfied or impressed the way i was. But lets see where all this ends up to! Life sometimes, in fact always, is so unpredictable!

2008-12-08T04:07:00.000-08:00

Hmmm, feeling very bored and at the same time a littile depressed!!! Having a life with very little happiness in it really sucks. Looking at almost every single one ard u having a life better than ya really puts one down sometimes. There re ppl who cant go thru loniless for even a short period of time in their life! What if u will be lonely for the rest of ur life? Have u ever imagined tt? Well its a suffering to go thru such a life at this kinda age. The moment u think that these are so far all the problems tt we have and tt after this it would be ok, the next problem comes in. Things tt i never imagine myself goin thru is happening to me! Everything has happened so fast tt i am really lost here now! Dunno why things should turn to such a state. Its so amazing to look back at my life since i was young. So many things were so beautiful. Family, relatives, frens, leisure and outings with ur loved ones. There were jus more than tt which kept me happy. Slowly when i start growing, everything started to change. Family is so seperated, relatives dunno why they re even related, leisure-cant even think abt it, and finally happy moments-will there even be any? I dun see myself sitting down with my family anymore and having a normal meal together. There will never be a movie outing where i will watch it with my family. In fact, the last movie tt i watched with a family memeber was my mum, a surya movie titled vel! Was exactly this time of the yr last yr.

Comparing myself to last yr, many things has changed. The loss of my mum has really affected me in a very dramtic way. So many things would have been better if she was still ard. So many times, i have kept asking myself why has this gotta happened to me. The only consolation i have in life now re frens. Just frens! Even then, i dun want any of my frens to see any other side of me besides the happy side of me tt they often see. Being a person who likes to keep everything to himself, i hate any of my frens who tries to get into my personal life problems and trying to make me feel better and all. Not something tt i will expect from them and it jus makes me feel uncomfortable. I want my frens to be there for me but not get too inside with my stuff. There is a personal space tt they should let me be in. Trying to help me is one thing but trying to dig out wats happening in me is another thing. Hope my frens will help me forget the worries tt i am going thru instead of reminding them to me. Tt would be the best that they can do to me. So far most of my frens have done tt and have kept me going. I jus tend to be a diff person, as in the usual person i used to be, whenever i see them. Those re the only moments tt really make me happy nowadays.

This kinda post is so repeated i feel and i hate typing like tt. But, when a person is so lonely tt even his own dad cant give a shit about him, it really makes him do such stuff like tt. Having a person more than jus a fren to hear this out would have been so much better. But there is no room for tt in my life now! Its diff when such a person was to care for u cos they re truly for ya. This mite not be true, but this is how i think it is for me. So if frens of mine think i m not sharin wats happening in my life with them, this is a reason why. Recently a fren of mine said if there is anything bothering me, they re all there for me so dun think tt i m alone. Hearing such stuff makes me feel so good. At least for tt moment i dun think tt i am suffering. My dad jus returned back from phillipines. No one would know how much i prayed for my dad to be safe. I was constantly thinking abt him tt he should be alright and be back home safely. But what makes me so hurt is tt he cant say a word to me tt he was flying off. Even his arrival date was unknown to me. I have to hear everything from my maid.

I dunno wat wrong i have done. I have never disappointed my dad or mum in any way all my life. I have loved ppl so truly. But this is how it ends up. Both my family life and love life have been major disasters. Talking abt love, i really think tt i m quite unlucky with it. I have become a coward in it. Getting so close to someone and having some kindaf special feeling for them is something tt really scares me off nowadays. Whomever i have showed a liking have in a way avoided me. The level of fear is so high tt i would never want such a feeling to occur. And given my family situation now, i dun think i can even think abt all these.

For now, the way i am living my life is by enjoying the small hapiness tt i have here and there and suppressing all the sorrows within me hard enuff so tt no one can see it. So far i have managed it quite well. Hopefully i can continue as such for the next few yrs.

I really hope my mum is always here beside me. Though i cant see her i truly wish she is always somewhere ard me. I want her to be there. I want someone to talk to. I have no one else who i can safely say out everything to. I hope u re listening always. I dun think i will be able to forget u leaving me at all. Every thing keeps coming back thru someway. Gone re the days where i and u chat for hrs and the times where u will never let me sleep and force me to talk to ya. I never enjoyed talkin to anyone else on the phone for long time besides u. Each day of my army life both of us have talked. It was when we had our houseline cut tt we hardly talked tt much. You would ask me to put down my phone quickly then so tt my bill wun get higher. I still remember talking to u while i was in australia. I was searching high and low for places tt i can get reception while i was there jus to talk to ya. You even asked me why m i talkin so long when i am calling from overseas. You wun know how i felt listening to ur voice though you and i were seperated so many miles and oceans away. Wish u re seperated from me within a phonecall away instead of like now. Talking to ya would really make me feel so much better. But guess i can only dream for such stuff.

Hmmm, another thought within me keeps coming back. Think i have gone quite deep into it tt its hard to forget it totally. It is hard for me to digest tt i am not the one. Seriously, i dun even know if it was something tt the other person knows. Its really quite depressing to be rejected. Well, i was not rejected outright, but my actions were. Stopped me from doing anything further. Little things tt ppl did for ya, ppl who aint doing any gd to ya now, was so big to ya. When i wanted to give everything tt i could afford for ya, it was not even noticed. Really frustrating to digest tt. Well, this doesnt make anyone the bad person. Jus tt no one is perfect. But wished the outcome of all these would have been something else. Well, hopefully i didnt hurt anyone thru this post. Sorry if i did. Hopefully some exciting things happens to me soon tt would stop me from giving such posts!!!

2008-12-04T23:58:00.000-08:00

Alright, i promised to update abt the beach retreat in this post. Well, shall do it now. Monday morning met up with all those yishun ppl to get to harbourfront and then sentosa. Reached the beach, at palawan, at ard 12plus. I've got some things to say abt the way the retreat came out to be. Seriously, i think it was really well planned. The place at palawan that they went to recce for in the morning was quite good. We could do lots of things there. Like we had the beach courts and all there. Frankly speaking i only spent 3dollars which was for entrance to sentosa. Besdies tt not a single cent and it was actually very fun there. Beers kept coming though i dunno who paid for those. There were plenty of food and drinks. A lot of ppl turned up. Almost everyone participated in the games actively making it very sporting. I was really impressed. However, though everything was right at sentosa and we had plenty of fun, i and sachdev did something stupid. We decided to leave for tf2 with the NUS guys who jus ended their exams tt day. So all the both of us did was play handball, monkey on land and water, a bit of touch rugby and tts abt it. We were told tt we missed out the real fun part where the gals and guys played kabadi and dog and bone together. A lot of incidents happened after we left so yea, felt bad i missed out on it. Even the pictures were taken only after we left. Haha. So there is no memories captured of me and sach being there. But tt's not a issue at all. The thing tt made me regret was tt when me and sach met up with our ppl to play tf2, they were like aleady halfway thru the game. Plus the NUS guys were gonna leave like ryte after that game. So yea, defeated the purpose for actually going there. It was purely our fault cos we took the decision to go and play like very last min and didnt inform the guys properly. So tts why i regret so much tt i actually did something stupid. Well, tf2 wasnt tt bad afterall. But guess i can do it almost every other day. The retreat was like once in a blue moon so yea, too bad lor!

Tue i decided to rest well at home cos i was gonna head for the SFC/SJI chalet where nothing was planned till the very last moment. Planning was in the sense tt ppl were not assigned to bring the necessary stuff for chalte till the very last min. But yea, we finally did before the day of the chalet came so all the necessary stuff was brought down, besides one or two things tt eventually came. Now, as for the chalet, i was so lazy to pack stuff for the chalet even like one hr before leaving the hse. But did a quick one. Guess army really preped me up for this kindaf things. Me, suraen, bala and rama met up first to go and collect the keys for the chalet. I really suspected when suraen told me it was two storeys cos they took at coasta sands downtown east this time instead of our usual costa sands pasir ris which we were taking for the past 6yrs. I told him tt i didnt rmb seeing any two storeys when i was there before for a diff occasion. Well, things started off bad at the chalet as we realised we only were given one room to contain everyone who came down for the chalet. It was not the two storeys tt we wanted. A mistake happened as our guys mistook the 2nd storey for two storeys while booking. We informed everyone abt this the moment we reached there so tt they would not feel like shit when they come down. Good thing abt such a small room was tt it was unique and diff from our past chalets, we fully utilised the room plus we could keep the area clean at all times. I have to say tt this chalet was the chalet which i least spent and it was also very budget. We started off the chalet playing soccer. Had like 9 guys there at tt pt. Still had a few more who didnt turn up yet.

Afetr which, we headed to the pool to relac. As we were walking to the pool, we had a huge surprise waiting for us. Krishna made a special appearance!!!! Yes he was back!!! He was suppose to be in Australia cos he told us he could only return on the 10th. I was tellin at the start of the chalet tt we should have taken it like one week later. But when i saw him i was seriously speechless and was very happy too. He hide to us the actual date he was coming so tt he could surprise us. However, i was tellin suraen like last week tt i had a feeling krihna would appear in front of us to surprise us. Cos, he actually asked me wat drink i would like if he was to get it for us. So tt gave out a hint. But i forgot abt it during the chalet though i mentioned abt it. Anyway, i was more confident tt the chalet was gonna be good since these kinda things happened. After welcoming him back, we carried on to the pool and relaxed there. Was quite refreshing. I loved it at the pool. We made up stories saying tt actually it was krishna's ghost tt came down for the chalet or jus an illusion cos maybe he was still there at australia. Was damn funny but scary at the same time. imagine if what we saw was jus an imagination or a supernatural stuff. OMG!!!

We returned back to our chalet to bathe and get ready for dinner at downtown east. Ate at some malay shop where the food serving was really quite pathetic. We were also very hungry cos none of us ate properly for lunch. Returned back to the chalet after buying the mixers and ice for our drinking session at night. We decided to play cards, poker and blackjack. I lost every single game for poker. Couldnt win any shit. Lost like 10bucks jus for gambling. We started to jus drink at ard 12plus. Talked a lot of cock. Was damn fun when we recalled our past yrs' chalet experiences. At one pt of time, the management knocked at our door to tell us to keep quiet. I find it really dumb to be quiet when u actually take a chalet to have fun. And i can bet my ass tt we were noisy but in a tolerable way. It wasnt tt loud cos we were jus talking. The next door seemed to be more noisy than ours. Anyway, I enjoyed the tiger classic that i sneaked out from my fridge, which was actually something tt i bought for my dad a yr ago. Since he didnt wanna drink, i wanted to make gd use of it. We also finished up one bottle of vodka. They continued to play after awhile and i didnt want to as i didnt wanna lose more. Slept at ard 4 on the first day. Well, it would be better if i said tried to slp. cos i think i successfully slept for only 1 hr plus. The place was so cramped, cold and uncomfortable as a result of tt when sleeping.

Woke up at ard 8plus next day. Went for breakfast at downtown east. The prata was really pathetic. Returned to the chalet and planned to play soccer and frsibee with the new entrants. However, the rain destroyed our plan. So we decided to keep our activities indoor. We played Texas Poekr which was quite fun, after which we played Taboo. Was quite gd. Following tt we played Sherades. The sherades was damn awesome as we kept going for hrs. We all skipped lunch as we knew we were gonna be loaded with lots of food for nite. We catered the dinner from Keerthis' casuarina! And it was for 20ppl while we had like only 14-15. Haha. But we were prepared to whack it. Sherades was really awesome as we had the craziest titles to act out for. Like adventures of mr magu, mangorium at the emporium or watever shit. Was damn funn.

Dinner finally arrived. All of us were so bladie hungry tt we regretted we skipped lunch. Especially me!!! Hahaa. We decided to eat at our alocated table nearby our chalet room. Since the place was wet, we took rubbish bags to cover all the seats and tables. Were all ate at least two rds. I ate like a pig! Was so fucking hungry. We couldnt really finish the rice but we managed to finish everything else. After dinner, we prepared the area for gambling, drinking and some other games. Some of us went to get the mixers and ice and also the cake for sachdev's birthday. Well it was two months ago tt his b dae past but all of us were so busy. So we celebrated it then. A budget celebration though. Keerthi tot us a new card came which was called, in between. Tt game was quite ineteresting and all the guys loved it. After tt i suggested we go to drinking and a few of them suggested with all sorts of nonsense drinking games. We finally decided to try out Pasu's Big fish/small fish game. A fucking hilarious game it is. At first i tot it was lame. But we got a hang of the game after playing a few rounds. Solid. I purposely lost whenever i felt like drinking and after sometime i lost cos it was hard to concentrate as the game was very tricky. We finished up the barcadi with jus tt game.

Decided to play another game after tt bottle. We wanted to open up our all time fav, Chivas!!! Played 007 bang game! Was quite dumb. So we decided to go back to the fish game. Hahaha. After like a few rds, we started to play paattuku paatu(song for a song). Some of them were a bit high by then. Our aim was to keep ourself jus a bit high but not very. My face turned red for the first time and it was very evident. Though i wanst gone or wat. But jus showed tt my alcohol tolerant level had gone down. The paatuku paatu was damn fun too. We kept singing for like an hr. we decided to take a break and some ppl wanted to continue with cards. The time was already 3. I went to eat my cup noodles and was still very hungry. Went to buy macdonalds' meal. Came back ard 3.30 and fell asleep. Well have to mention tt i got reminded of a particular person when i saw someone else totally unrelated during our dinner. Was quite sad tt things cannot turn out the way tt i would wish it to be. At ard 2 i and rama were talking abt it and i told him tt i was feeling irritated and sad at the same time on why i cant pull it off with ermm ermm! Nvm, its a past story and past effort so i guess its stupid to even go there.

Today morning woke up, cleared the place and we left from the chalet. Was quite satisfied the way it was. Not tt bad afterall. Really very tired now and i m trying to recharge myself. Hahaha. Tts all for this post now guys and bye!!!

2008-12-01T19:03:00.000-08:00

Hey!!! I realize i have hardly anytime to blog cos i am hardly at home. Even if i am, i have other stuff to do rather than to blog. So yea tt means i have a plenty of things to say abt but i think not everything should be said here again. My blog has lately been very emo and most of the things happening re all repetitive. I'll try my best to change tt. Hopefully after whatever tt has happened!!! Now back to the updates!

My driving test was last week monday at UBI and i had booked like 4 driving lessons immediately after my exams were over cos i was quite rusty as i never get to drive properly during my exam period. The four days really helped and i made sure i was good at evry single little checkings tt could result in pts accumulating. So yea, actual day of test came and to tell you'll the truth, i never even had a thought of failing. In my mind, i knew tt the actual test is only gonna last abt 20-25 min. So jus do wat i did the last 4days, in fact the last 4months, properly for tt small period of time. I was so confident tt i had a feeling i already had the license in my hand. Anyway, i accumulated 8pts for the actual test and knew halfway thru the test tt i had passed. Hurray, i finally got what i was dreaming for! A total of $1,200 plus spent for this. Well, i think its much cheaper than school so yea, i am so happy abt it!!!! Passing first time is really a joy!!!

Well, for me to choose a test date on nov had many reasons. One major reason was so tt i can use the car that was never used for quite some time at my house, for the whole of december. However, my stupid ass of a sister had to "borrow" the car from my dad for a fucking long period like 2 months, which is gonna stretch till Jan end! So she actually ruined all my plans together with my dad!!! Haiz. But nevertheless, i managed to get the car like 4 days after i passed. Drove down to my best fren's place in Hougang from yishun to collect my P-plate. Was quite scary to travel alone at first but i didnt really got scared at that pt! Drove him back to yishun with me as i planned to drive my nephews and niece to Pasir Ris Park!!! I was actually having a fever tt day but i didnt really care abt it much cos if not i can never drive. I was also concerned abt the safety of my nephews and niece, which made my eyes wide open. Was so shiok to drive along the TPE. Travelled at ard 110km/hr. The kids really enjoyed themselves playing at the several different playgrounds there. So happy to see these kids really smiling and enjoying without knowing whatever tt is happening in their lives. So sad to digest the fact tt my nephews and niece had to start of with such a shitty life from the beginning due to the shitty parents tt they have. Really wonder why such beautiful kids have to suffer for a mistake tt their pathetic parents commited. Hopefully i can be the one who can erase away the sad portion in these kids' lives. I dun mind taking care of them throughout my life. At least, tt would keep them smiling all day long.

Saturday was my frn's 21st b dae party. Last major birthday party tt i had to attend for this yr after a yr full of spendings for these kinda birthday celebrations. I really enjoyed during the birthday, mainly because of the freeflow of beers. Had a good time drinking with the new buddies tt i made thru the twins and sharadha! They even treated me to clubbing after tt as i didnt have much cash with me. Everything was free for me tt day. Feel so bad but nevermind. They decided to force me into it too. Went celebrity's and stayed there till 5am. Finally a gd time to dance out all the stress and worries tt was within me.

The next day, Sunday was in a way a very impt day! A lot of things happened within my family due to my actions!!! I decided this was the day and chose to do whatever i did. Well, picked up an arguement with my first sis, since she caused my maid to cry. My maid is someone whom i really respect more than any of my sisters cos she really did a job more than what a maid would do. She was the one who took care of my mum till her very last moment. My mum used to say she is also one of her daughters and tt she is the only gd one. I knew the way my mum was taken care of and i used to smile at the way she was treated by my maid. Though she aint really part of my family, i respect her cos she loved my mum and knew how much her presence mattered when she was ard. For tt i will always be greatful to her!!! Coming back to the arguement, i really whacked my sis with all those things tt i wanted to tell her off since the time she chased my parents off from her hse last time! I pointed out at every single issue including how she had let her children to suffer, how she had the cheek to go have another baby which was formed jus one month after my mum passed away. Shows how much she actually "cared" abt my mum!!! I accused her for my dad losing all his money! She was so terrified tt she ran away from the hse. My dad got informed! He called me up. Even before he could start to say anything, he got a hell of a scolding from me for all that he has caused. I told him off saying tt he had shattered my mum's dreams and tt he knew tt he really did. I told him tt he had done everything tt my mum would never like, after she passed away. My dad couldnt even defend himself cos i spoke out everything tt was really happening. I also let out how much of sufferings i have gone thru alone for the past 9months. I told him the true meaning of a father and why he cant reach tt level. I ended off by saying the only person who mattered to me was my mum cos she really lived her life for us and tt she was the only one who truly cared for me. In fact, it is really true.

My dad had nothing to say at all and he knew tt he had disapponited me and my mum in a huge way! He told my second sis abt it. She called me up to explain. Jus when she thought she was gonna be safe, i scolded her for everything tt she had done. She was shocked to hear me say all that cos the only person who had said such things to her was my mum. I told her off tt till date, she aint doing anything good for my parents and tt the only thing tt she had given them were tears!!! She couldnt defend herself too. Finally i told all of them tt they need not care abt me at all cos i have the age to take care of myself and tt i dun need anyone else besides my mum to do tt. I said tt though they re not helping me at all, the least tt they could do for me was to not hurt me in anyway! So all that i was blogging for the past few months finally came out from my mouth. Somehow, i feel so relieved. Now i know exactly what kindaf situation tt i stand in my life and have came to realize tt there aint anyone who can come as close to how my mother was to me!!! I really believe tt she is still here with me and tt she is taking care of me. I shall go on with my life without being concerned abt anyone of the others in my family! On a sidenote, my third sister got married and my dad left to the philippines for 5days. Both of this information reached my ears thru my maid!!! How great eh!!

Back to my social life. I watched Vaaranam Aayiram with my frens on the same day. The movie related a lot of things in my life. Some were exactly the same. I have to point out tt there is no way my dad is like tt. The movie never resembled him at all. However, it was more to how my mum was to me and how i felt when she passed away. The confidence in me, the smile in me, the prolonged happiness and the feeling tt i was always cared by someone and the thought tt there was someone always waiting for me was all in me purely cos of my mum!!! She was really everything to me. Good tt movies like these could actually show how much ppl like me are suffering inside and respect those whom we have lost. Oh, the movie did not jus remind me of jus my mum. In fact there were more things into it. Well, they showed the feelings one would go thru when the gal, tt they like so much, easily say tt they wun belive in like acquintance falling in love with them and tt that they need to like get used to them by going out and stuff like tt. And when we say lets go out and find out abt one another, they try to tell us off tt it aint really easy to meet them. Thus they not even giving us the chance to actually go on abt it. So it is as though rite from the start, we re rejected! Then later on they showed the gal saying tt though they mite agree to accept the guy, the dad must like the guy, the family also must like and so on. All these re pure assumptions tt they make jus cos they dun wanna accept tt guy though it is true. I'm saying abt Jus tt part tt they decide tt their family members wun like!!! Well, i am stating this lines cos it actually did came out from a gal tt i used to like!!! Not directing exactly to me but it still did!!! And those things tt the gal in the movie said were somewat similar to what the gal tt i knew told! Well, only diff was tt i never did let out the fact tt i liked her. Anyway, dun think i wanna go there now. Jus talked abt it cos the movie recalled back all those efforts and feelings tt i was involved in. Anyway, this was really a long post. Sorry for making it so long but hope u got to know more tt is happening in my life this time rd. I have left out the part abt the beach retreat with my ntu ppl. Will say abt tt in the next post. Till then take care peepz!!!

2008-11-21T05:42:00.000-08:00

Ermmm!!! A lot of things re goin on in my mind right now! A lot of things has happened for the past 3 weeks. I dunno where to start from. Let me begin with my exams. After nearly three yrs, i sat for examinations! Really quite stressful as the pace was so fast for me. However, i think i have put in a reasonable effort in the preparations. However, i feel i could have done more for especially my physics cos i was really quite slack and distracted at the start of the semesester. I shall not balme anyone at all for this cause it was truely my own dicision on watever i was doin. But i have to say i was really quite distrated. Time tt i used up for outings could have been instead spent for studying, As for the outings, some were the cannot be avoided kinds and some were the ones tt really took away my time. Distractions does not only include the outings but also other issues. I shall not talk abt all tt now.

As for ppl who dun know why i have to put myself altogether in one piece for the exam and why i am so determined do work hard and be serious, i shall talk abt those things now! There re two major reasons for this. Lets start of with the lighter one which is also truely a big reason. Me getting a place into the uni was not something tt came upon me very easily. The steps tt i took to earn myself a place here was really way too much. I've got to admit i didnt really put in the effort tt i should have for my A'levels and took it very lightly. The outcome was the i got grades tt couldnt qualify me for the course tt i wanted in the uni. In the first yr of applications, i got rejected by all the three uni's tt i applied for. I was really terrified and even my appeals didnt bring in any good news. I decided to work out ways tt i can pursue my dream so i tot signing on in the navy would earn me a place to study for marine engineering in an australian university. It was true tt it would lead me to my ambition but, there were ppl who stood against this idea of mine. And they were not ordianary ppl but those guys were the head for my battalion. I dun wanna bring out any names or wat but they really stood against my idea cos they needed me for tt particular vocation tt i was in at that moment. Not giving up, i applied the next yr for NUS and NTU. Nus rejected me again. It was really a very disappointment for me as i really wanted to go NUS. However, they sent me the same rejection letter year after year. Just when i tot i was never gonna get the course i wanted, NTU replied and they called me for an interview. Well, i was always very confident abt interviews and the interview really went well which got me a place for the uni!!! I was really delighted. So as u see, i didnt get this place like how ppl usually did.

The second reason is someone tt is very close to my heart. My mum was the nicest and the most cute person tt i ever knew. She really showed the love for all her kids despite them treating her like shit! Even during her final moments, she did not see two out of the four kids tt she gave birth to! I swear my mum didnt deserve tt at all but for those who thinks ur God is very fair, i think thats utter rubbish cos my mum really should have been enjoying her life instead of crying for most of it! The amt of worries tt she had to carry on her shoulders were way too much. But she had to she didnt face a good outcome in the end. So it was throughout a sad life for her i've gotta say. Coming back to the pt, my mum was so so overjoyed just by me getting a spot for the course tt i wanted. It was a simple dream for her for me jus to enter the uni and one more dream on top of tt. As for the first dream, i have fulfilled it and i knew how happy my mum was cos she expressed it to almost anyone whom she saw, be it strangers, relatives or friends. Now for the second one, it was for her to see me wear my Graduation attire on my day of graduation. I have to say i can only partially fulfill this second dream of her cos i dun think she can actually do see me wear it in front of her. However, being myself, i think i rather focus on the part where i can still fulfill half of her second wish which was to graduate in my course and make her happy. Therefore, i m really not gonna sacrifice any of my valuable time for anyone cos my mum and her wishes are the most important things for me and those are wat tt i gotta prioratise my time for. If there is anyone who cant undersatnd this simple fact, i really cant help but to go on with my goals and neglect them!

Well, my papers were generally ok on the whole. I did my level best. I think i did well for my material science and economics. Maths which was supposed to be my best turned out to be a dsaster cos the paper was really pretty difficult for me. I was stunned cos when i did the past yr papers, i really tot maths was something which i can really score. Physics as usual i think is my weakest paper. The preparation level for physics was not sufficent and it was my fault. I think the paper was easy but i could not do the qns cos i was not really prepared for it! Life sciences MCQ, was my last paper and i never studied so much for it like i did before the exams. I personally feel the paper was very tricky in the sense tt there were always two options for each qn tt i was stuck with and didnt know which was correct. I think i did relatively ok for tt to end up with a decent grade but not some grade tt i wished for definately. It was a big relief tt exams re over now and i have one outside exam tt i coming up tt i think is really important for me to pass. Tts my driving test. I am confident and i have to reflect tt on my actual day of test in order to pruduce the outcome tt i want.

Now, i've gotta touch on an issue tt i wanted to burst out after my exams. I have been controlling it all along within myself and i was so affected by it in the midst of my exams when i kept hearing stuff. Well it is really terrible to juggle family issues with studies. I feel tt i am totally left out in my family now. My dad and my sisters re fucntioning in a way tt i m totally out of the equation. Everything tt happens within the family only comes to my ears through my maid and after many weeks. I totally am lost of everything tt was happening until my maid updated me with all that. My mum was always worried tt my dad would use up all the money tt we have now,after selling away our house, for stupid reasons and end up bankrupt. When she was ard, i heard all these news and i would deter my father from continuing from all the nonsense tt he was doing. As for this current period of time, i dun have my mum with me to make me feel that i am part of the family. At one pt of time i heard that my dad was getting close to my sisters who abandoned him in times of crisis. Another pt of time, i heard tt he was helping them out for their problems such as housing loans, bills and business activities. Soon, i heard my first sister borrowed my father's car and she never returned it at all. The news of her going to bring her new husband and family,whom my mum disliked to the fullest, to my house jus hit me. And the latest of all is tt i heard my dad has used up all his money in his bank . He used it up to pay for all my sisters' needs, got cheated by ppl who disappeared after borrowing huge sums from him and his own business fell apart which was supposedly the same kindaf business which made him suffer a 100,000 dollar loss 4-5yrs ago. So end statement is tt he had made 150,000 dollars disappear into thin air jus like tt, leaving me with no proper conditions of living. From a boy who was born rich, i have came all the way down to this state in my life and the best part being, the only one whom i loved and tot would take care of me despite all the diffuculties , leaving me all alone by myself to suffer and die! No wonder u left early knowing tt all these problems re coming! What am i suppose to do now when i am left with nowhere to begin with????

I am really lost and confused. I wish no one ever goes thru the pain and torture and loneliness tt i am goin thru now! I think from being a person who was mighty positive, they have broke me into a person who lacks even the slightest amt of positiveness. I dunno if i am suppose to be angry with my dad and to hate him or wat. Cos he has really let me down and most imporatnatly, let my mother down. I will never forgive him for this. I really dunno who to cry out to but this is where i can do it without feeling awkward. Wished i had a better life. I get so sick of ppl who still complain when they have everything in life jus because they go thru the slightest amt of painful moments. Come replace me in my life, u will know eaxctly, wat the fuck is a problematic life. This yr has so far been the most disastrous yr in my life.

Right now, the only thing tt is still keeping me going, for me to try to put up with a smile though i m really hurt inside is cos of one big thing. And tt is cos of all the frens whom i have. I really feel happy tt at least i have these frens who seem to be there for me, to bring out tt very little smile left in me. Thanks to all of you. I dunno wat else to say. Just gotta wait and watch wat happens in my life from this pt onwards. Jus for the record, i am never crying for watever tt i typed cos i have really nothing left in me now which could even bring out those tears. I've had enuff!!!

2008-10-30T07:59:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, time for some updates! Ntu's life is becomin very stressful for me. Things are little too fast down here. Imagine u have to read like 25 lecture notes for jus one module and i half five such core modules plus one fucked up elective! The subject tt is really killin me is Physics. Nothing looks normal. Already it was tough coping up with the past 15 lectures where they covered from motions of particles in 2D motion all the way till fluids! Now to make things much difficult, they add in thermodynamics which contains 8 lectures jus by itself!!! And they have only done halfway through thermodynamics when exams are like in 10 days time!!! Wat the fuck do they think man? I never felt so stressed in my life. This is terrible cos i know final papers are nearing and i aint even halfway thru my revison cos i can hardly find time for revison when there re current topics and tests to keep up with. Haiz!!! From wat i heard, only engineering seems tough while all the others re doing fine in other faculties!!! Haiz!!! Dunno how sia!

Anyway, Deepavali jus past!!! Hmmm, wat can i say. It has been two yrs since i celebrated deepavali with my family! Last yr i couldnt celebrate as i was in australia for my battalion training! Almost died during the day of deepavali then, as me and my fren almost overturned together with the tank in the mountains of Australia. That route tt we were ordered to take was actually a "NO-Go" for my battalion. However since our Brigade, which is of a higher order then a battalion, insisted as so that we had to obey their orders. This is when things started going wrong. Luckily, i am still ard today!!! Lets not get too detailed into it. This yr itself, i cant celebrate cos of wat happened. Hope those of u who know me know exactly wat i am talkin abt. Life is never the same. The feeling of not being able to celebrate a festival that every one in ur ethnic grp gets to celebrate together with their family members, simply jus sucks! In my case, things were already bad when i used to celebrate my festival before. Firstly, during the yrs that i celebrated, i didnt have any freakin relative who bothered to visit us. Secondly, my sisters all started disappearing away from the family for reasons that they know the best; leaving me, my dad and my mum to celebrate deepavali alone. Now, everything has become worse. I have never regretted celebrating with jus my mum and dad! But now, i am not even priviledged to do tt. Its not as though only my family lost someone who meas a lot to the family. But the situation in my family is that wats suppose to be a family is already not functioning. Since i was in pri 4, there wasnt a happy moment where all of us gathered together as a family. I look ard and see ppl celebrate it so happily with all their family members and relative. How am i to feel? Why m i so unlucky? The word family has never existed in my life!! Why such a severe punishment for me? I really dun think i deserve this but this is the way it has been.

The feeling of being alone should never come to anyone. At least for those who lost their mum or dad still have siblings ard them who still keep the family thingy going. I am left alone all by myself. My deepavali was simply this: me in my room for almost 3/4 of the day for the next 5 days since thursday, Talking to absoltuelty no one cos there aint anyone who i can talk to at home, Studying for the tests that were coming up for the week ahead! Well mite seem normal to u. But let me tell u something. This has been my life since feb 11. It has been Me and jus me alone! My dad is very busy with all his business stuff tt i cant really blame him for anything. Basically, he is going thru the same kinda situation as me. But, at least he is going thru this in his 50s. Look at me! I am so lonely at home such tt i am feeling afraid to get close to anyone else. My own sisters have left me to suffer alone. How long m i suppose to suffer like tt in a world tt no one is ard other than me! Well for those of u who mite think i m saying all these to gain sympathy from u'll, i am really sorry. That was never my intention and i dun need any attention from anyone. I dun think i wanna share this with anyone in person and at the same time, i dun wanna keep this to myself. So pls allow me to vent my frustrations and sorrows here. I have really no mood to even celebrate future deepavali as there is seriously no pt to it. Imagine me and my dad. Wat can the both of us do to celebrate? I really dunno. Haizzzzzzzzzz. I always wished i had a family which was united. It seems as though nothing that i wished ever came true. I think i m jus fated to be like tt.

Well, enuff of that. As for the bright side, there re still ppl who make me feel as though i am being cared for. I dunno how to put it. But for a person who has no love or attention within his own family and for a person who is suffering from loneliness, all these attention from ppl whom re away from me, really makes me so happy at least for tt moment. Words cant describe how happy i was when two of my frens, the twins, brought all the deepavali food and stuff for me from their house. I was so touched that even their parents took some time to think abt an outsider like me and bother if i ate watever they got to eat! At first i didnt know why they wanted to come see someone who is so down and is totally a bad luck for deepavali. But i almost teared when i realized they actually came all the way down jus to pass me those stuff. Both of them were bothered to ask me if i was ok somemore! Really thanks!!! I wished i had a family like theirs where everyone is loved. I am saying this cos i was really so down tt i didnt wanna talk to anyone at all. The first tt i talked tt day was when i actually saw them. They carried a smile on their face when they saw me. Showed how much they cared for me despite their busy visitings. Haiz! Thats also the first tt i smiled for that day. I am really greatful to have frens like them. Well, there re also a few others who actually cared abt me aside from their own celebartions. Not tt i want them to but it really meant a lot to me when they did. Sorry if u dun like the way tt i am being so emo in this entry cos i jus cant be helped!!! Enuff of me boring u'll with my problems and all. Hopefully the coming weeks will have nothing that would make me regret to this extent!!! Nevertheless, everything would become better soon!!! Take care ppl!!!

2008-10-18T01:06:00.000-07:00

Been a few months already since it happened. But the pain seems to be never decreasing. Millions of memories still remain fresh in my mind but the person who was once around smiling and making me smile has disappeared totally. The way she was the last moment i saw her was so miserable. Her eyes rolled backwards and her teeth biting her toungue. She struggle to control the last amt of air tt was rotating in her body before it finally left her. She lost the struggle. How would it have felt when her heart stopped all of a sudden. How would she have felt when she knew one moment she could breathe and the next moment she could not? How painful would it have been? I really dunno how much it would have felt then, but ever since then, the pain has been increasing within me. Bullshit to ppl who said the pain will disappear after sometime. For those who said it, probably they never experienced anything close to wat i have. Some ppl would say you should jus talk it out. U will feel much better. All it does is makes u feel even more fucked up when u lose control of urself and show that even your eyes can tear. Is it necessary to even say out to someone wat happened. I seriously dun think it will help cos i have cried more than ever when i actually do.

It feels as though i held her arms and hugged her yesterday. I can still rememeber the way she talks, the way she smiles and everything else abt her. Even those things tt i bought for her all my life is still here with me. I cant rememeber her crying a single time because of me. I have never caused a tear in her eyes like how my sisters did. I am really proud abt tt. But wat makes me feel sad is tt she has caused me to tear the most now. Why such a painful punishment for a person who never wanted to see u cry. There is absolutely no one who can replace u if u tot i would be ok when someone else new in my life comes in to make me happy. The way u were to me i can never experience it from another person. Why didnt u tell me even when u knew u were not gonna stay here long. Why even bring me here? I only had u at home to talk to. And now, i jus dun feel like talking to anyone here. Its hard to show tt i m happy outside when tts really not the case. It hurts whenever ppl talk abt their mum and the things that they can still do for them. U re not even here to recieve wat i bought for ya during mother's day!!! Everyone else who bought gifts for their mums would have been so happy when they see their mums smile. But i only had a photo which was motionlessly staring at me. Your birthday jus past and i couldnt even celebrate it with u. Neither did u give me the priviledge to celebrate my most precious b dae with u. U wun know how much pain u have caused me when i see ppl take clothing for their mum for the upcoming festival when i couldnt do as such. You knew how much i would have loved to buy it for ya. Now i am not even entitled to buy anything for ya!!!

Ppl whom i tot i would be able to turn to totally didnt care and threw me away like a used product. I was never loved nor liked by them when i had so much in return for them. If only u were here i would never feel this way tt i am feeling now. Dun u ever think i m gonna be happy in my life in this aspect as there will be absolutely no one who could bring back the joy tt i always had when u were ard. The joy jus died together with u. Its scary to love anyone now. The fear of being left alone suddenly has really affected me in a great way. If there was one thing tt i wish for now, it would be for me to see you as soon as possible. I cant stand the world which doesnt have many nice ppl like u!!! Bring me back home mum, i feel so lost here!!!

2008-10-05T05:10:00.000-07:00

Hmmm, getting to blog once a week has almost become impossible due to the amt of work load that is piling up. I am really quite pissed with myself for not using my weekends wisely for studying. Often, i get caught up with some b dae celebration, outing and some other nonsense except for studying. The semester exams are like in a month away. Seems like a am lagging behind like shit. Especially after recess week, i have been damn slack it seems. I m already one topic behind for my physics tutorial. All the others i am just on time but seems like i mite lag behind anytime. Somehow my free days get affected. Like yesterday, i went clubbing even though i told myself not to from the start. Jus tt when i saw most of my frens coincidentally at where i was, i couldnt stop myself from going when i knew all of them were. So yea, went and today practically no mood for any studying. Feel like slapping myself. I dun think i am gonna club anytime soon. Gonna keep myself distant from clubbing till i feel tt i should which i dun think will be anytime soon. Feeling quite stressed now cos of all these. Haiz.

Anyway, i was happy during the start of the week. Dun wanna list out the reason but yea i felt tt i have achieved something. Felt so good tt finally wat i wished happened sort of took place. Wed i became super ill. I really started to hallucinate stuff i guess. Whatever happened when i was trying to sleep tt day was quite terrifying. But yea, now everything is ok. I cant imagine i have lost 5kg since university commenced. From 68 to 63kg. I took lots of effort gaining mass and all but now i am slowly losing it all back. There is hardly any room for me to go to the gym. Nowadays, I dont have time for anything else besides mugging. Well, gotta wait till holidays to come, for me to hit to the gym.

Life has been so boring as of late. Dunno why but it jus feels like i m doing the same thing again and again in a routine and tt i am not doing many things properly. There is something tt i wanna talk about today tt i wanted to address for sometime. I like to clearly state tt i have absolutely no time to think abt any gals in my life for now. Seriously, i dun see why. I am quite disheartened by all tt happened before i started uni. What you want so badly sometimes, will never come to you! This is what i learnt before uni. And now, i jus cant see myself liking anyone new or stuff. Seems dumb to even like anyone at this pt of time. I dun think its necessary at all. Recently, some of my outside frens have asked me if i am attached to some particular gal. I would jus like to say tt all the people i m close with now are like my really gd frens and tts all. There is a line tt seperates gd frens and bf/gf. I know where i stand and will never cross the line cos its so dumb if i did tt. And i never wanted anyone of them whom i am close to now to be my gf cos tts quite sick from what i feel. And i have my own personal feelings and stuff tt some ppl fail to realize. I am never a person who minds when ppl make fun of me and someone else being together and all cos its kindaf normal. But when ppl mean wat they say somehow, i will be able to sense it and i jus dun think tts ryte. Go ahead if u wanna make fun as long as u dun push it too far and make those two ppl involved feel awkward. Most of the time, one of the two ppl involved will somehow start to believe wat ppl are saying and things mite get ugly. I m not anyhow stating this but its something which is very true if u have seen incidents like tt, u would know. And often ppl tend to forget tt i mite have my own interest for someone else outside and they mite jus be tarnishing my image indirectly. I am not saying tt this is the case but jus giving an example. Cos like i said, my outside frens who havent been in contact with me thought tt i am really attached. It might spoil certain things for me when ppl get too overboard. Oh yea as for ppl who dun even know me well, they should not comment at all cos i will never like it. As long as u are my fren, u can do anything to me. Cos i believe all the close ones would know what i m going thru and they wun push too far as a result.

Guess tts all i want to say this time ard. Wish tt my time managment would improve in the coming weeks. hopefully i wun waste it. No hard feelings for whatever i stated here cos if not i would never have the chance to say certain stuff. Will be back to blog when i get the time again. Tataz!!!!

2008-09-23T00:00:00.000-07:00

hmmmm. i dunno where else to do it. I really wanna shout this out loud. But i cant. Hope you are nearby me when i say this and u do recieve it!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY AWESOME, WONDERFUL AND BEAUTIFUL MUM!!! I AM MISSING YOU SO MUCH. PLEASE COME BACK FROM WHEREVER YOU ARE AND PAY ME A VISIT. TAKE CARE OF URSELF MUM AND HOPE U RE DOING FINE UP THERE

haizzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 24/9/08

2008-09-20T19:11:00.000-07:00

The past week past damn fast!!! Had like 3 tests and one lab report to do which i still havent started on. Hmmm. I mugged like mad for the 3 tests but it didnt help much! For one, my mind went blank cos the test was like back to back with another module. And yea the other module which was material science is totally trash. I read both the notes and the book. And guess wat, almost all the questions were out of the box. There was really not tt much of use studying for it. And friday was my last tests which i completed in 10min even though they gave 50min. tts too long for a mcq test i guess. Somemore life sciences dun need any calculations, so its either u know or dunno!!! Dunno why ppl take soooo long.

Ok somehow, tt week is over and yea, i am finally having a break during this recess week. Not exactly a break though cos there is a lot of cathcing up to do and have to finish up one darn report. So yea!!!! Friday after tests, we all didnt feel like going for phy lecture so we stayed and talked cock instead. It continued at woodlands causeway pt!!! We practically didnt do anything at all besides talking nonsense. Ppl who came were Vishnu, Hema, Shanthini, Shalini, Shameni, Kalai and Raja!!! Afterwhich i went back home and yea, my nephew was back at home. I actually disallowed him to stay in my house the previous week since i tot he wun let me study for my tests. so yea, he was pretty irritated with tt i can see. Haha! But yea, he was happy to see his MaaaMaaa again!

Saturday brought my Nephew to Timezone! He was playing all the different kindaf car games and i stole two credits for one punching game hahaha. Its always a joy to watch him play and have fun. Shanthini accompanied me and she actually got him a gift. I didnt like it cos my nephew is a type who will ask for more!!! But yea, she just wants to become his fren, so she bribed him with the gift! hahaha! After the timezone, we went back home and got changed up for Shameni's 21st birthday! I brought my nephew along since he chose me instead of my father who was also going for another party.

The birthday party was pretty different from whatever parties tt i have attended so far. they had a band playing and singing. The host were vasantham's vimala and elamaran. Vimala was really very sweet and humble. She even forced me to dance with her during the dance floor. Anyway, i had this funny feeling tt i was gonna kaenna saboed for the birthday party. omg!!! And yes i was actually telling bala tt i know i gonna get saboed but hopefully not dance. At the birthday party, they actually did sabo me as expected and guess for wat, Danceeeeeeeee! Dammitttttttt! So embarassing. They gave me and my partner for tt event, hmmm Shanthini, a situation to dance for. I had to dance like driving. Was damn stupid and elamaran took that oppurtunity to make fun of me like mad!!! Damn him. Parathesi paiyan!!! Well, the person who was enjoying this the most was apparently my own nephew. He was standing up on his chair and his face was glowing. Damn. Then yea, the birthday party ended up with a dance floor! WaS FORCED TO DAnce AGAIN. But its ok!!! Was pretty fine!

Gonna bring my nephew out today to west coast!!! The soccer match got cancelled! I am so on abt playing soccer and nothing is coming ard well. And i so badly wanna go for tf2 but yea dun wanna be bad to my nephew. so yea, must sacrifice my tf2 for him!!!! Haiz hahaha! Anyway, i realize tt i have come to know quite a number of very nice frens recently who re drawing very close to me. Feel very happy abt it!!! Somemore this ppl i often see them in sch which makes my sch life exciting. Thank you to all these frens who re making my uni life interesting!!!!

2008-09-12T07:56:00.000-07:00

Hey, i m back! Hahaha. Not been posting for quite long already. I jus couldnt find any time to blog. Had very little sleep for two weeks. Per day i only sleepat most for 5 hrs. 5 hrs is the longest tt i can actually sleep. Been very tired all this while and damn busy with my assignments. I usually waste my weekends tt i actually suffer during the weekdays. Now tt is changing which is a gd sign. anyway, a lot has happened recently. Jus tt i dunno if i should or should not list out everything. I'll jus whack watever tt comes to my mind instead.

Well, last Friday was Sharadha's farewell dinner at her hse. I brought my nephew along with me. I was very surprised tt he actually mixes ard very well with everyone. He stayed all the eway till 1.30am with me and tts when i decided he should go back. cos we were gonna go for late night supper after tt. So yea, raja drove us to my hse and i sent lakshan back and joined back with the others for supper. Afterwhich we went to the dam at yishun. I fell in love with the place. Gives me back a lots of memories not tt i have been there. But tts the kindaf place tt she loves. so yea missed those times. She always tells me she loves to walk along the beach. I use to make fun of her saying tts one of the most boring things to do even though i dun really think tt way. Now, i jus wished she was by my side when i do all these. Hmmm. Yea had a gd day at sharadha's place chatting with all the ppl who turned up. Was quite fun even though we didnt do anything much.

Saturday was pure trash as i watched this pathetic movie titled Dhaam dhoom. After exepcting so much for tt movie, i was totally let down when i actually watched it cos it was damn fucking stupid and boring. Dun know why ppl bother even taking movies when it has totally nothing in it. Pure waste of money and time. I'll rate it the most lousiest movie i have ever watched in recent times. Sunday finally played a soccer match. I did something damn stupid. I didnt even know Ahmad ibrahim sec was ryte in front of my hse. I actually walked a damn long dist and finally realized tt i actually walked a entire circle ard my estate. Got back to where i started and foundf out tt was the sch tt i actually passed by 15mi ago. Dammit.

Now the match. Was quite an easy match tt we should have won but due to the break for the last 5 weeks, we all didnt really play our best even though we still did ok. Anyway, we drew 2-2 at the end of the match. Well, something happened during the match which i really do regret. I think its really my fault now after thinking thru. I was rather pissed of initially tt it had to turn out tt way. So its mainly my mistake. And yea things really went quite ugly in front of other ppl. dunno wat they would have tot. But yea i felt tt i should make it a pt to apologize since i saw no pt in prolonging the tension with a fren who has been as close as a bro. Well, i aint a person who will say sorry at all if this happens even if it is my mistake. I m jus like tt but somehow i jus did it. Guess tt was the ryte thing to do. Shouldnt care abt my ego in such situations.

Wednesday we sent off Sharadha at the airport. Well she was looking very happy so i felt happy abt it. Gd tt she took it tt way and she is the first gal tt i know who didnt cry when leaving off to another country. Quite impressed. But yea, hope she'll do find there. It was damn fun with her ard and thru her i got to know lots of other nice frens. She is yet another of my good frens who has left for studying abroad. One by one they re leaving and they have to be my close frens. Guess gotta get used to it.

Next week i have 3 tests coming up plus my lab report. Hahaha. Well gonna seriously mug for it. As i said even though i wanna say a lot i jus dun have the time and dunno wat to say and not to say. Cos way too much. so yea think this is efficent enough.

AnywAY, i am quite sad abt something on top of whatever tt has happened. But now it seems like almost everything is over so i guess i should no longer worry abt it. The time tt i have used up thinking and going abt it is what tt makes me feel a bit frustrated. But nvm. Its a learning experince and its something which is a part of life. So yea gotta take it well. Will be back soon to update more after my tests. Till then bye everyone!!!

2008-08-16T21:33:00.000-07:00

I havent been doing anything much for the past two weeks besides going to school and coming back home which takes up most of the time. I have to study extra hard so tt i can keep up to the pace. Two yrs of NS has really made me dumb. So in order to get back to where i was, have to put in the extra bit of effort now. Anyway, there re only some days from the last two weeks tt i remember clearly. Last Thur, was Sharadha's birthday. We wanted to celebrate her birthday among ourselves before her actual birthday party. So met up at vivo tt day. I was terribly tired cos after mt sch ended, i went all the way to braddel for my driving. After driving, i went back to jurong east to meet up with the rest who were going to vivo from NTU. And yea, afterwhich we all made our way to Vivo. Ate at olive and whatever u call it. Cant remember hahaha! But my food was nice. I ordered a fantastic meal. Was damn funny cos Veera had to wait for nearly an hr for his food and tt fellow cant resist his hunger. Of all ppl him hahaha. The rest of the day was quite fun with all of sharadha's frens there. Even though i was tired couldnt feel it. So yea had a gd day!

Fri, Shanthini and i went to shop for sharadha's birthday. We were trying to get her things which would be useful for her when she is at scotland. We bought ard 6-7 stuffs. We started at bugis and after tt went to vivo! Hema and Shalini joined in after some time. They brought me to mango and were looking ard for something. tts when i got reminded of my mum again. Hmmmz. The last time i brought her shopping was to vivo. She was really excited as tt was her first time there. And i was asking her to try every this and that. I passed by most of the shops tt i went with her. Tt day i cant forget cos my mum told me tts one of her happiest days in her life. I promised her i would bring her there one more time and bring her to marche to eat. Well, i couldnt keep to my promise this time. Haiz! So yea, i was quite sad and quiet for some time and didnt wanna let my frens know why. But eventually, at night when shanthu called me, i told her everything. I havent told anyone abt how i feel ever since a person stopped me from crying out and wasnt prepared to hear me. I assumed if tt person was like tt, no one would be willing to hear me out. But yea i was wrong. I was sharing all my memories tt i shared with my mum to Shanthini. She actually said something which made me tear cos i told her my mum always listens to me and i told her tt she would come back when she asked me whether she would during her last few minutes. And i tot she didnt listen this time. But my mum never fails to come in my dream and we live life very happily down there. I get to hug her and play with her like i used to. And from what i know, she only comes back in my dream. And this is where shanthu said its cause she listened to me and tts why she comes back during my dreams. Sometimes, i jus wish i could live in my dreams cos its so nice there. And yea i was touched by more things tt she explained to me. Really a big thank you for tt. Cos i didnt mention tt day itself cos i really cant say thank you to anyone's face or in tt instant itself. Dunno why but i m jus like tt. Nvm i dun wanna get emo and all here.

Saturday was Sharadha's birthday party. It was by the pool side so was something different. We went to club celebrity after tt. Was very fun! I was dancing the whole day. Quite nice. I enjoyed myself after a long time in club. Maybe after yatra, i am going there agin, but this time with my own sfc ppl. Was nothing great this week. Was studying again for the entire week until Wed. Wed went out with Sahardha, shalini, shanthini and raja. We ate at jalan kayu.

I havent been spending time with the sfc guys ever since school started. Hopefully i find time. Looking forward to yatra. at least got something planned. anyway, i got nothing much to say already. c ya'll soon!

2008-08-07T07:46:00.000-07:00

Hey! This week was the first week of School at NTU for me!!! Well, it has been nearly three yrs since i last studied or did anything to do with school. Well, it was like November 2005!!! School started off well. Like i didnt have to go tt early and my fren actually fetched me from home and sent me there. So nice of the twin sisters for doing such a wonderful deed on first day of school. Hahahaha!!! The local indians at NTU are mostly the ppl that i know. So we have our own group to hang out with. The seniors are of real help here cos we, the newbies, re really quite blur in travelling ard the school, getting lect notes and going to the ryte places. But yea, with them, its a hell lot easier. They even showed us to the printers, lend their credits for printing and explain to us abt the courses. So thanks to them all!!!

I am quite stunned at the pace which the lecturer is going at, especially for maths. Seriously, he is doing it as if the guys didnt go for any national service in between like tt. He expects us to like remember everything. The only way i can recall all these is by going home and looking thru all the formulas again and again. And at the end of the day, all these qns tt i am struggling now re the ones that were the easiest when we were doing O levels. Definately, its hard for someone who havent touched any studying material in ages to UNDERSTAND ALL THIS! Hopefully, i dun take much time to recall every damn thing back.

I actually thought i have lost the thought of the person out of my mind. But now, it seems funny when i turn happy when i see them. Whatever they do, captures my attention. I dunno wat this means. Made me feel happy though. A very gd feeling. But guess i shouldnt bring this happiness to some dream or wat. I dun expect anything out of it. If i ever think of going beyond tt, i think i am jus finding a way to hurt myself. So yea, be happy with wat i feel, see and go through for that period of time. Other than tt, i shouldnt be thinking tt wat is very unlikely to happen, will actually happen!!! Haiz. I have really given up on it, cos it will lead me to nowhere!!!

Haiz. Went for a birthday party during the weekend. Well, the party was gd for sure. Jus tt, i get reminded of lots of stuff again and again. Also, i start to envy those who actually could celebrate their b dae with everyone, especially the most impt ones, ard. I didnt get this oppurtunity at all. She left me one month before my b dae! Everytime when the b dae person's mum holds on to the mic and say abt their son or daughter, i jus feel like crying. I'll jus imagine wat she'll say if she was ard. She forced me to celebrate and i actually told her i dun want to celebrate though i was later on having a small thought abt it. I even readied a guest list without anyone knowing. All this had to happen. I m not as lucky as many ppl. I dunno if i deserve this in my life, or if i m really not tt nice a person tt all this is happening to me, but i surely no that no matter how much i regret, she'll never come back! Hmmmm....

2008-08-01T07:48:00.000-07:00

Hey i am finally blogging after nearly 2 weeks. Didnt have the time to blog at all. Anyway, now for the updates! For the past two weeks, i was basically trying to get ready all the stuff for my uni, worked with sachdev as a mystery shopper, played soccer in the weekend, got into a problem with the mind's cafe ppl in the weekend, went for NTU freshman orientation, recieved and planned my timetable for uni and to end it off, did FTT today.

This was all that happened the last two weeks, tt i didnt update cos i was out most of the time, doing all these. Was a freaking tiring period!!! Well last wed and thurs i was very involved in the mystery shopper assignment. What we had to do was to go to all the challengers around singapore and act as if we were customers. We had to make sure the saleperson promoted abt the starshield warranty whenever we asked abt their product tt was above 300dollars. It was damn funny as for the first time in my life, i picked the most expensive electronics tt were sold at challenger outlets and was acting as if i was really gonna buy it. Have to say both our acting was quite gd that the salesperson didnt have any clue abt who the hell we were. But yea the job was so tiring cos of the traveling part. The challenger outlets were all spreaded across Singapore and we had to travel huge distances to reach another outlet. And tackling three diff salesperson for each outlet for three diff items and also checking out on their names without them knowing it was very challenging. I and sachdev actually shared the salary as it was actually a one person's job. But yea nvm, its a new experience.

Saturday i actually went to minds' cafe and got into a problem with the ppl there. Cos my fren actually booked a table for 8 at 6pm. And he did clarify with the ppl whether the reservation will be cancelled if we dun come in time. They actually told us that it wun be cancelled and it doesnt matter when we came cos, as long as its reserved, its ours. But guess wat, when we went there, we didnt have a table for us. We waited for some time until we got a table for only four. We had six then. We kept waiting and couldnt get any other table. So i was freaking pissed. When i confronted the counter, he actually threw the blame at me sayin that i came late and thats why we didnt have table. Firstly, that piece of crap didnt call us when we didnt turn up on time. Secondly, he gave me a stupid reason tt we would only get a table as wat we reserved for if all our 8 frens turn up. Wats the use of a reservation then. And if that was the case, he actually gave two ppl, a table of six when their frens were not there yet. I dunno wat he was thinking. Well, maybe he jus dun want my colour ppl to get any table there. I could sense the unfair treatment there. And he actually said we could leave if we didnt like the place. And when i demanded for his manager or boss, he actually said that he runs the outlet. I was jus shell shocked. He kept giving that stupid smile whenever i argued with him that i got so sick of, till i actually left the place without harming him. Its the outlet at Dhoby Ghaut by the way. Fucked up service. Anyway, we went to the one at bugis after tt. Which was the total opposite in terms of service. We should have jus gone there first. Haiz. Nvm had a great time at the bugis one though. Was damn fun and hilarious.

Soccer was at Anderson sec on Sunday! WE played against a group tt was full of 30yr old ppl. They even had a grandfather. I played as a right wing this time and kept running throughout the entire match. I did my part for the first half by creating chances. My second half was weak, i would say. My team did play better for second half though. But we didnt capitalise on the first half when we got the lead. We were jus lacking something tt day which i dunno wat. Cos it was really a game tt we should have won. But we didnt. First half was 2-2. Second half the opponents scored one more and won us. I was pretty discontented cos we deserved to have won the game. Nvm shall prep for next match and do better.

I finally got to see my timetable for uni this week. It is actually quite slack. Jus tt my monday is quite packed. And i actually want to drop my econs. But at the rate the other electives re being taken up and not having any more vacancies, i think i would rather stay with something tt i know. But guess wat, i am not happy with the 8.30 lectures in the mornings. Seriously, its a pain in the ass. So fucking far and i have to wake up exactly 2 and a half hrs to be on time for the lectures. Which means i have to wake up at 6am. Oh nooooooo! I cant wait to get my driving license. Seriously. It would cut down my travelling time and increase my sleeping time by lots. But yea, for a few more months, i have to manage with these i guess. So sian. That day, on wednesday, i actually went to the Freshman orientation. I was damn depressed to find out that i was the minority of the minorities. Seriously. Firstly, i am an indian which makes me a minority. Secondly, there re more foreigners and foreign indians then locals in my faculty which makes me minority of minorities. No offence to the other races. But yea i feel sad that the local indians are smaller in proportion when compared to the foreigners. Haiz sad sad!!! Hopefully, i could build up my own big grp of frens in NTU, Lucky i know ard 7-8 ppl in the same faculty. Now jus need to add on to it. I think i know more seniors than my own batch haha.

Well guess wat, i passed my FTT which was today, which brings me one step closer to the actual license. Jus tt, my instructor told me to change my membership to the CDC after i renewed my membership at SSDC for another 6mths. I jus wasted 6 dollars for nothing. Haiz. But heard the passing rates at CDC is much better than SSDC and so, its better that i listen to him as he is registered only there. So yea, tmr, i gonna book for TP. Soon, i can drive my vehicle that my dad have given me. Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Hmmm, life is changing big time for me now. Its a new phase of my life now. I cant wait to go Uni and start studying again and keep myself busy. Finally the time has come. I am more eager to go sch after looking at the time tables and modules. Guess uni would be a pleasant experience. Rite now i have nothing else in mind besides that and i feel so free and clear on wat i am going to do. Hopefully it stays this way.