Its been more than a month since i last posted something here. Well i didnt have any time to update or post anything! But yea, finally the exams re over and i m sure this time the results will be gd! I have worked the right way unlike last semester and i could actually feel the difference. Finally got to realize wat focus means! Well yea, as i said i m happy the way it went!

I always felt like writing this up in recent times and i think today is the time for it! There re many things in this world tt keeps changing. No wonder they say change is the only constant! Its very true in my case. I remember my childhood days where i used to be very clingy towards my mum and dad! My mum was a housewife and its always me and her at home most of the time. I never got seperated even a day from her until pri 6 when i chose to stay with my cousin! Tt too being a abrubt decision which i later regretted. My dad used to come back home after work at ard 6. I will constantly disturb my mum who will be on the phone forever chatting with him! Once i hear footsteps of my dad, i run to the door way and climb up the gate waiting to see him! And finally when he appears i will laugh and shout as if i saw the most awesome thing in the world! True enuff my dad was really superb to me those times where i tot he is the best man there ever could be! He really was!

I used to wrestle with him, tickle my mum and always made them laugh with my stupid jokes. I was never a quiet soul at home. Infact all the noise in the hse was due to me. My sisters always seem to be avoiding me. They wun let me mix with them. Anytime there is a fight at home between my sisters and my mum, i will be the one who will side and stand up for my mum even as that little boy. There was once my mum shouted her lungs out to my sis and then suffered a slight heart pain and held to her heart! I immediately cried and shouted angrily at my sis. My mum saw tt and she actually smiled and saw the immense love i had for her! We had our family outings then, everyone so happy. Deepavali times were so grand, the hse fully decorated. I really loved each and every member of my family!

At the age of 10, my first sister got married. She left to stay with her husband and tt was the first time i saw my family member leaving me! To be honest, though my first sister and i were never close since young, i started to miss her after she left! I realised how much i liked her after she gave birth to my niece, vaishu! My family was growing and i was so excited with the arrival of vaishu and took care of her to a stage where no uncle would have taken care of their neice at the age of ten! Then, a major problem came to my family. My second sis was in a relationship with a ex-prisoner. My whole family was devastated. My mum and dad always complained and were worried abt the situation. I have been hearing my parents point of view ever till pri 6. I slept with them till that age if u believe it or not. I will have this small bed jus below my parents bed. My bed will be on the ground. I used to cuddle ard my mum's arms whenever i felt like it! So basically i knew every amt of suffering they actually went thru! Sooner or later, my second sis disappeared. My family was now down to 4! Me my third sis and my parents! We stayed together, suffered together and went thru lots of obstacles in life till the end of my sec sch days. My mum and dad saw both me and my third sis as the ones who will be the future of the family they have built, as the other two jus spoilt the reputation our family had!

It was after my sis started working, we realised how money minded she was and started to value mone more than the family. Always complaining how my parents didnt appreciate her and all. She failed to see whatever my dad and mum went thru in life to bring her up but only saw her side of it! Slowly, she started disappearing as her slaary grew bigger! At the start of my army life, i saw how much m sis hated my parents treating me nicely and all. When i come back from camp after a week long or two weeks long, i will have my favourite dish lined up for me. Jus for t sunday t i will be ard! However, my sis didnt like it! I immediately told my mum to stop cooking wat i like and told her to not show any kindaf special attention to me when my sis is ard! So, they stopped cooking my fav dish and started doing for my sis! Not long after, my family heard abt my thrid sis being attached to this goon who doesnt work for a living and expects my third sis to sustain his life! Obviously, my parents didnt like him and they knew my sis desrved more than jus tt for her looks and brains. But she failed to see tt.

We were still together at my favourite hse, a condo, which i cant never imagine of staying in one now, despite all the problems. Towards the end of my second yr in army, financial situation in my family got from bad to worse and my sis was never helping at all despite all the money she had. Instead she bought a bike for her bf and she spent 3k for a trip with him to australia. She still demanded pocket money from my dad though she was working! Due to all this, my dad couldnt manage us in the condo and since my sis didnt wanna help, the hse was sold at the time i was in australia having training! I left from my favorite hse and returned back to a differnt home! The only gd thing then was seeing my mum's face, who was awake jus to see me till abt 4am. She smiled so widely tt i could feel how happy she was to see me back. Since the number of rooms in this hse didnt favour the amt of ppl living in it, there was a huge arguement between my sis, dad and me! Eventually, it was solved. We were looking for new hses then and to settle all these housing problems. But only to realize tt my third sis, have left from the family! Yes, she jus disappeared taking her army bag and all and we didnt even know she wanted to leave completely! But yes she did. This was jan last yr! Yet another member in the family had left!

It was ard then tt my mum suffered a low blood level and was admitted at kk women's hospital for two days. My sis never went to visit her but i was the only one there! My mum was always saying she could really see who loves her and who doesnt and was praying for her family to be as loving to her as before. She told me all this in jan 2008 tt life had changed so much. A month later from then, my mum was admitted to the hospital, the night after my ord day, eve of cny for low blood level, but sgh this time! Normally she would stay for two days in kk hospital and they will send her back home after two days. She will come back fresh. This time, it jus took longer then usual. Every day i was at the hospital taking things easy and i never worried abt anything, like the past twenty yrs in my life no matter how much we have went thru as family! I was so strong and confident and never thought abt failure in life till tt pt of time! I was known for my immense confidence level back then be it track or studies or as a matter of fact everything tt i was invlved in! My mum said why was i always so close to her right from the time she gave birth to me. She asked me how come i have never changed that closeness between her and me. jus smiled and she hugged me n told me to kiss her. She kissed me back then. Still my first and thrid sis didnt come. On feb 11, another member left. This time it was forveer and it was more painful than anything else in this world! I have never imagined this happening to me but it did. Life took a miserable turn tt day and i suddenly felt tt i have lost everything in life. My confidence, my happiness and verything tt kept me going had a reason behind it. The driving force was simply my mum and i realised it was no longer there when she left! So now, it is down to just me and my dad.

The lst time i have communicated with my dad properly was last yr end or maybe start of this yr! The boy who waits for the arrival of his dad by the gate has never seen his dad's face in recnt times! Wat i see is jus this four walls and i literally mean four walls tt i am always occupied in.

The worst way i felt abt life was last yr and everything happened one after another jus to bring me down further. It was like causing a person who was already in a trap hole to go down further by enlarging the hole. It was last yr tt i realised tt my dad had lost all the money tt we had for the past dunno how many yrs. ever since i was born i was in air con condition. Now i cant have a air con anywhere in my hse! I was very distracted in lfe not knowing wat re my priorities and started to lose focus on the most impt thing, studies! As a result, grades didnt really come gd despite the last min mugging then! I have never liked any indian gal in my life besides my mum and finally realised i had something for someone. But tt too didnt take a good course and things went messy and it was evident througout 2007/2008. It made me feel even lousier tt despite wanting to show the love, which i couldnt show to anyone after family members left me througout the yrs, there was no receiving end to it. Clearly, it made me feel as if i was cursed to have no love in my life! It was as though i was cursed to be a lonely soul trapped within four walls for life! Compare this with me being the most noisy soul in my hse when i was young. Now its jus the total opposite. There is no one to sit down with me and dine at home or even ask me how was work today or sch today! I felt like i was some big loser. Had never thought in such a way before.Life has really been very bad towards me!

As a result, i became more cautious of life now! I never wanted to let another hit affect me. I already have been battered to a level tt i cant take anymore! Enough is enough. I have become the ignorant person tt i m today who doesnt care abt wats goin on in his family after hoping for it to reform all this while; i never really care what ppl had to feel abt me abt how ignorant i have become towards them; i have never considered even looking at anyone in terms of my love life! All these is a cause of all that i went thru and it looks like the best way to travel thru this sort of life. So far it has been me and only me. And i have realised tt there is no one who can drive me in life besides me and my mum! Though i hate this trap tt i am in within this four walls, i have somehow become immune to it and am starting to live the world inside it rather than wats outside! I have adapted to this lonely jkindaf life tt i have to deal with till (i dunno when)!!!

Alright tts jus a very long entry but it is something really from my life in this 22yrs and nothing but jus the truth and the feelings from the bottom of my heart. Hope no one got affected by it but if u re i cant do anything much. The only thing i can do is to say sorry if i had caused to hurt anyone in anyway thru this post! Take care everyone and i will keep my blog lively in the next few weeks since i am free now! Tataz!
Ganeshan | 1:59 AM