I cant believe i had been so busy for such a long period of time. I didnt really get time for a breather. Not even once. Finally, today i chose myself to relief myself from all these stress tt i had been going thru for the past few weeks. Today was the last of my 4 big tests tt i had to go thru from the start of this week. Though i feel quite disappointed about not being able to perform as i wanted, i am glad tt its over and i can now get to my present day work with more ease; not having to worry so much abt wat has been taught, since i have revised them well enuff. I've never dedicated so much time for studying like i have now. Stayed home for the whole of my holidays, only going out like twice and both outings were short. I really put in a lot of effort in trying to prepare for 4diff tests, all of equal impt. It was really difficult i had to say with the amt of work i had to go thru. Somehow i was quite unlucky having to do four tests together instead of how others did it, two tests before break and two after. The tests somehow proved to be difficult and made me go blank at two instances. This has never happened to me till end of jc. Its quite scary, when u know u studied but ur mind goes blank when u actually need to apply it. Was really very stressful when i saw the qns being so difficult and all. It was asked in a way tt not much revision was needed cos u wouldnt know wat to apply. I was terribly depressed with chem, despite putting in considerable amt of effort for it. Though i have not taken chem in A levels, i tot i was quite confident abt it. But i was in a state of shock when the paper was so hard tt i didnt know wat to apply for almost 3/4 of the paper. I dun think i would have even got half correct.

Yes! As u can see i was so stressed out and didnt get time to say all these before. So yea. Anyway, studies has not been the only thing affecting me or bothering me. There re a couple of stuff tt re of some bother at times. Firstly, i am starting to feel very lonely nowadays. Well this mite be a cause of me staying at home, can say alone, throughout the whole week. I m not so used to this so maybe yea, tt was a reason. However, i was actually getting scared looking and reflecting at my life and how it has turned out to be so far.

Well, this was wat got into my mind. My mum has left me. My sisters have all abandoned the family. My dad simply made things worse by eliminating the last cent we've got. Thus, bringing in financial difficulties to my already painful life. As u can see, the only person with me now is my dad. No matter how he behaves or watever problem he causes, he is the only one tt i've got left. Thats a bit scary given his age and all. 10yrs down the road, when it comes to me marrying or something, i can hardly see any other family members standing by myside. It really leaves me thinking whether i'll be left all alone! Hmmm, how would a family, knowing all this, even trust me to become their relation. I dunno, jus a thought tt came to my mind and somehow bothered me. Again, this recalled back the moments i shared with my mum. Really a great loss for me. She wouldnt have imagined how much of a loss it could be. But it seems like it is so huge tt i cant define it.

Ard me, there re a lot of ppl going thru decent times, gd times and all. Some yea bad. But i dun think there re someone who i can see who has been going thru such darkended times like me. Not tt i want to say i am the only person in this state. But it is a fact tt i m really in a pathetic state in life. I have already talked a lot abt the family part. Settling down in life or getting someone important in life for myself is the next thing tt comes to my mind. Quite a number of ppl re somehow settling down and i feel real happy abt tt. However, i think i am being ignorant to the fact tt i am seriously left with no interest and all. I have seriously not even thought abt tt. I've even been hearing news and updates tt some of my frens are gonna marry soon, like end of this yr, two yrs time and some five yrs time! Look at me. Hahaha. Well, dunno if i should think tt much. But yea it freaks me out coming to think tt i have no one to actually even start with.

Due to stress and all, i think my sleeptime has been affected drastically. Somehow i am trying to get rid of tt problem. Oh yes, one other issue tt i would say has caused me to become angry or upset is problems tt i have been facing with a few ppl. It really makes me real sad tt despite much stress and hard times tt i've got to pull through, some of them are thinking i m a machine who dun have any feelings at all. They treat me as though i am a heartless fellow like tt. Nvm abt all this. I think i am quite happy with the way i have matured out of it. I didnt react the way i initially wanted to, but i sat down and thought thru the consequences of doing so. The best solution would be to leave it as it is and try to change myself to make ppl ard me complain less.

My temper has been really bad at recent times. I dunno why. I become irritated and angry in a matter of seconds. Like for instance, today joshua took away my band from my hair. I know he was playing and trying to be himself. But dunno why, though i knew tt, i reacted very angrily. Maybe the stress and disappointment have jus sunk into me. I was so fierce in the way i reacted. But it has been like tt in recent times. I dunno wats happening to me. Guess i have to take some time to really cool myself down.

Hmmm jus felt like adding this part. I have to somehow admit tt i love my dad a lot, despite him letting me down all this while. I get very angry whenever i see him or whenever he talks to me. Or whenever i see him bring home my fucking sister. I get pissed with him when i hear him talk over the phone asking ppl to give back the money they took from him. I feel damn frustrated coming to realize he has not been able to pay even the most basic bills like starhub tv, internet and phone bills. I dun recieve my pocket money too at times. The car also is gone for gd and its always with my sister nowadays. I have totally given up on tt and have decided on not asking him for it, which would only furthter complicate matters if i do so. As u can see, despite so much hatred tt he has caused within me on him, i still dun have the heart to completely hate him. I feel very saddened to see my dad getting older by day and tt has to face such problems in life at this stage. Though he did ask for all this trouble, he is still my dad and i pity him to have to go thru so much. I feel really sad tt i cant talk to him by looking at his face cos everytime i wanna do it normally, i get reminded of whatever he is putting me thru now. Haiz. Its very hard to explain. But yea, i really do love him a lot and have utmost respect for him to have brought me up till this level. Hope he somehow gets well from his current situation and tt we could live a happy life. I have been seeing only painful moments ever since the departure of my mum. Have had enuff. Wish i could at least see some light someday, soon!!!
Ganeshan | 6:41 AM