22yrs have past and i am definately feeling older by the day!!! Haiz! Anyway, was really quite busy all these while. Somehow i think i am not studying properly. Laziness have set in. I m doing very little each day and i am easily falling asleep. Trying to make sure this doesnt continue. This weekend is gonna be bad cos i wun be able to use my sat effectively. In a wa the whole day is gonna be gone. Partly because of my own birthday celebration. A small dinner with my sji brothers followed by tf2. I dun mind going with them but at the same time i have to admit tt my time for studying is reduced at this crucial period. Only 27days left for exams haiz!!! There is way too much to study and remember. The latter is the harder to do cos i seem to have read all my text already at least twice. Once before the tutorials. Once before CAs. But it doesnt stay in my head for long and tt seems to be a very big problem. I dunno whether this happens as a result of age but i feel it is much easier o rmb things during ur younger days.

For example, i will do a tutorial which needs me to use certain concepts tt i jus revised on. A week later when i look back at my own answers, i wun know why the hell i did it in such a way and how i could possibly think in tt way. If someone knows how to overcome this prob pls do tell me. Guess it would be of some aid for me!

Anyway, yesterday was my 22nd birthday!! Haha. Cant believe i have turned 22! My 21st yr seems very short and i hardly enjoyed it. Dunno if tts normal but yea guess life becomes very sian as we age! Ok as for my birthday i already decided or told certain ppl not to hold any celebration for me, except my sji bros! Well i dun really feel the necessity to celebrate it. Firstly(sorry for repeating this over a million times), i dun think my life is tt great tt i have to celebrate it as i grow older cos i sort of hate my life ever since she passed away. Dun feel gd without her! Life really sucks when the closest person to u suddenly parts away from ya! In fact, i dun think any sorts of presents or wishes would be similar to those that i get from her! I still remember the kiss tt she gave me when i was 20yrs old. She hugged me real tight and gave me the kiss and i felt so gd then! She will stay awake till 12 jus for me and will come to my room with a very pleasant smile. Somehow whenever my birthday comes i cant stop myself from recallin back tt particular moment. It was really a priceless moment! I regret being in this world tt my mum is not allowed to live in anymore.

But somehow, i feel very happy for myself to have made very gd frens ard me! I tot i wouldnt be able to be happy for my birthday with watever shit tt i m putting up with and the fucking fake smile tt i have to live with. Some ppl jus make my day and do bring the smile back to my face. There were quite a number of ppl who waited till the clock hit twelve and they called me immediately to wish. Some msged at 12 or so. Thanks to ya'll for showing the importance to wish me first! Haha. Went to sch next day and got a few presents which i really did not expect. I dun really think presents make me happy but i do appreciate when someone gets me something and will accept it no matter what. Cos i know the feeling when u re not allowed to give the present u buy for the birthday person. Seriously tt is one of the worst thing tt i actually dislike. So i do accept watever ppl give me and make sure their efforts are not gone wasted, whoever they re! One birthday present surprised me to a large extent. It was from my driving instructor. Well, we shared a very gd rapport during my drivig lesson days and i use to share a lots of my personal issues with him. He was really a very friendly person and i really think tt he is an excellent instructor. Was really happy to recieve a guft from him. The cute part was that despite being a chinese, he wrote my name in tamil and wished me in tamil hahaha! Great moment tt put a big smile to my face. Secondly, i saw wat shalu and gang(i dunno who exactly shared but think all those whom i think shared should be part of the gang) bought for me! To be honest, i loved the presents cos it was wat i would have wanted. I wanted to buy a black cap for the past 3 months but didnt really get time to shop. I also wanted to change my wallet some day. Both these were wat they got me and i think it is really cool to get me what i really want! Thanks a lot! Really appreciate it!

Next, there is a trend nowadays to wish ppl thru facebook. Well i recied a hell lot of notifications and mails cos of ppl who chose to wish me thru facebook. I did read each and every msg and thought it was really nice for some of those whom i didnt expect t wish me to actually wish me. These particular grp of ppl who did wish me are worth to be mentioned. Ppl in Anitha's pattalam did wish me and i tot it was really nice of them. Vithyakumar wished me and i tot it was very nice of her to do tt cos i think there is some kind of misunderstanding tt we re yet to clear. My track teachers, miss lim and mr wong were so nice enuff to rmb! Mr wong actually played a video of me running to serve as an inspiration to the trackers of today's cj team! I felt really honoured! Shows my efforts didnt go to waste! And my army frens who wished me plus trackers. Really thank you! All those who msged me thru handphone, i think it was a more personal way of wishing me and i appreciate it a lot!

The best wishes tt i got from yesterday and that really made me feel great was those from australia. There were three australia calls in total. Sharadha and Faye called me while i was in the pageant show! But i decided to rush out jus for them since they were wasting their precious credits just to wish me! Felt really blessed to have these ppl as my frens. Sharadha and faye were both busy and faye didnt really sound happy cos of watver she was goin thru there but somehow both of them bothered to wish me and i hope i did entertain u'll well enough! Krish called me at 1.30 jus beofore i went to bed and he was the last one in a way to wish me on phone! Felt really gd talking to him. Really appreciate it for him to choose to call me despite the credits tt would have been more usefulif used for ppl like his parents and immediate family. A big thank you to all these frens. Really love each and evryone of ya.

I chose to go to the NTU pageant on my birthday! So it was a kind of a very sad thing to do for my birthday, according to certain ppl. Hahaha. Buti dun mind at all cos it was all worth it at the end of the day. Both the male and female categories were won by indians tt i am definately proud of. There were brewerk beers served at the end. Which was a form of celebration for my little birthday haha. And most importantly, my personal favourite, ravin, won the miss ntu! She really deserved every single bit of it and i think she is fucking gorgeous. Good to have such ppl in sch hahaha! She wished me twice, and we shook hands and acknowledged one another 4 times and tt was really quite a big thing cos she is miss ntu hahaha! The best part is tt her facebook profile pic is now the pic tt i took with her along with vishnu veera and sachdev and also, she chose to add me herself haha! Fantastic moment haha! Great job in finally being frens with her!

Overall, i think i did enjoy my birthday though most of it was spent in sch. One more special phonecall tt i left till the last part to mention was that from my niece and nephew. Was so sweet of them. Hahaha. And yea my dad of cos. He was waiting for me to come out of my room at 6am and he wished me with a very shy tone. We never really talk to one another these days and that has really been a huge regret for me. The hurt tt i feel is really quite immense when its actually my father. Hmmm. But yea felt really gd tt he wished me. Do love him a lot and i cant possibly tell him tt to his face cos i have the same shy thing going on in me tt i cant express myself in person. But yea jus want to say it at least here so at least he gets to know thru somone someday when its crucial! Haiz. Ok dun wanna drag any longer than this. Really thank all u kind souls for bringing tt smile to me. Thanks!!!
Ganeshan | 8:10 AM

Feeling like i'm alone! Thoughts keep on coming back to me again and again. I saw the tears in ur eyes as u laid there motionless! Those tears revealed clearly tt u were not at all happy when u were leaving away from me! I roughly know the causes for those tears. Though u had me to bring u the joy, the tears that ur daughters had brought were jus too much for ya! I dun understand how they had the heart to punish a wonderful soul like ya! I wun forgive them for wat they did througout my life! I am missing u very much mum!!! I really miss ya!
Ganeshan | 9:43 AM

I cant believe i had been so busy for such a long period of time. I didnt really get time for a breather. Not even once. Finally, today i chose myself to relief myself from all these stress tt i had been going thru for the past few weeks. Today was the last of my 4 big tests tt i had to go thru from the start of this week. Though i feel quite disappointed about not being able to perform as i wanted, i am glad tt its over and i can now get to my present day work with more ease; not having to worry so much abt wat has been taught, since i have revised them well enuff. I've never dedicated so much time for studying like i have now. Stayed home for the whole of my holidays, only going out like twice and both outings were short. I really put in a lot of effort in trying to prepare for 4diff tests, all of equal impt. It was really difficult i had to say with the amt of work i had to go thru. Somehow i was quite unlucky having to do four tests together instead of how others did it, two tests before break and two after. The tests somehow proved to be difficult and made me go blank at two instances. This has never happened to me till end of jc. Its quite scary, when u know u studied but ur mind goes blank when u actually need to apply it. Was really very stressful when i saw the qns being so difficult and all. It was asked in a way tt not much revision was needed cos u wouldnt know wat to apply. I was terribly depressed with chem, despite putting in considerable amt of effort for it. Though i have not taken chem in A levels, i tot i was quite confident abt it. But i was in a state of shock when the paper was so hard tt i didnt know wat to apply for almost 3/4 of the paper. I dun think i would have even got half correct.

Yes! As u can see i was so stressed out and didnt get time to say all these before. So yea. Anyway, studies has not been the only thing affecting me or bothering me. There re a couple of stuff tt re of some bother at times. Firstly, i am starting to feel very lonely nowadays. Well this mite be a cause of me staying at home, can say alone, throughout the whole week. I m not so used to this so maybe yea, tt was a reason. However, i was actually getting scared looking and reflecting at my life and how it has turned out to be so far.

Well, this was wat got into my mind. My mum has left me. My sisters have all abandoned the family. My dad simply made things worse by eliminating the last cent we've got. Thus, bringing in financial difficulties to my already painful life. As u can see, the only person with me now is my dad. No matter how he behaves or watever problem he causes, he is the only one tt i've got left. Thats a bit scary given his age and all. 10yrs down the road, when it comes to me marrying or something, i can hardly see any other family members standing by myside. It really leaves me thinking whether i'll be left all alone! Hmmm, how would a family, knowing all this, even trust me to become their relation. I dunno, jus a thought tt came to my mind and somehow bothered me. Again, this recalled back the moments i shared with my mum. Really a great loss for me. She wouldnt have imagined how much of a loss it could be. But it seems like it is so huge tt i cant define it.

Ard me, there re a lot of ppl going thru decent times, gd times and all. Some yea bad. But i dun think there re someone who i can see who has been going thru such darkended times like me. Not tt i want to say i am the only person in this state. But it is a fact tt i m really in a pathetic state in life. I have already talked a lot abt the family part. Settling down in life or getting someone important in life for myself is the next thing tt comes to my mind. Quite a number of ppl re somehow settling down and i feel real happy abt tt. However, i think i am being ignorant to the fact tt i am seriously left with no interest and all. I have seriously not even thought abt tt. I've even been hearing news and updates tt some of my frens are gonna marry soon, like end of this yr, two yrs time and some five yrs time! Look at me. Hahaha. Well, dunno if i should think tt much. But yea it freaks me out coming to think tt i have no one to actually even start with.

Due to stress and all, i think my sleeptime has been affected drastically. Somehow i am trying to get rid of tt problem. Oh yes, one other issue tt i would say has caused me to become angry or upset is problems tt i have been facing with a few ppl. It really makes me real sad tt despite much stress and hard times tt i've got to pull through, some of them are thinking i m a machine who dun have any feelings at all. They treat me as though i am a heartless fellow like tt. Nvm abt all this. I think i am quite happy with the way i have matured out of it. I didnt react the way i initially wanted to, but i sat down and thought thru the consequences of doing so. The best solution would be to leave it as it is and try to change myself to make ppl ard me complain less.

My temper has been really bad at recent times. I dunno why. I become irritated and angry in a matter of seconds. Like for instance, today joshua took away my band from my hair. I know he was playing and trying to be himself. But dunno why, though i knew tt, i reacted very angrily. Maybe the stress and disappointment have jus sunk into me. I was so fierce in the way i reacted. But it has been like tt in recent times. I dunno wats happening to me. Guess i have to take some time to really cool myself down.

Hmmm jus felt like adding this part. I have to somehow admit tt i love my dad a lot, despite him letting me down all this while. I get very angry whenever i see him or whenever he talks to me. Or whenever i see him bring home my fucking sister. I get pissed with him when i hear him talk over the phone asking ppl to give back the money they took from him. I feel damn frustrated coming to realize he has not been able to pay even the most basic bills like starhub tv, internet and phone bills. I dun recieve my pocket money too at times. The car also is gone for gd and its always with my sister nowadays. I have totally given up on tt and have decided on not asking him for it, which would only furthter complicate matters if i do so. As u can see, despite so much hatred tt he has caused within me on him, i still dun have the heart to completely hate him. I feel very saddened to see my dad getting older by day and tt has to face such problems in life at this stage. Though he did ask for all this trouble, he is still my dad and i pity him to have to go thru so much. I feel really sad tt i cant talk to him by looking at his face cos everytime i wanna do it normally, i get reminded of whatever he is putting me thru now. Haiz. Its very hard to explain. But yea, i really do love him a lot and have utmost respect for him to have brought me up till this level. Hope he somehow gets well from his current situation and tt we could live a happy life. I have been seeing only painful moments ever since the departure of my mum. Have had enuff. Wish i could at least see some light someday, soon!!!
Ganeshan | 6:41 AM