Well, i created this blog to list out the feelings tt was suppressed deep within me, whenever i wanted to! There is one thing tt has affected me in life in a very big way and i always wanted to talk abt it but didnt want my reputation to be gone or std of living to be known to anyone. But now, guess everything has build up to a pt where i need to let it out!!! I would appreciate if ppl who read this today, to just take this as a mere entry and not ask me anything abt it as i dun wish to discuss it with anyone. Also i m not the kind who would want anyone's sympathy, so if u feel for me, thanks but dun ever tell me tt u know abt wat i have said here. This is my only other way to let out wat's in my heart, since the first option of pouring out everything to my mum could never happen again!!! Pls pls, for those who re not tt close to me, avoid reading watever tt is typed after this. I apologize for typing out such a sad and loser post though i never really wanted to do so.

My dad is unhappy with me for shouting at him in the past week. Why? Well, it was jus another issue tt made me shout at him, or maybe tell him in a rude manner tt wat he was doing was pure stupidity! Firstly, there were so many other stuff tt he did before this that raised the tension level within me to react in such a way. The last being he lending the car to my sis yet again despite him tellin me and my maid tt he would nvr do tt again. Well for those who dun know abt my first sis, she is basically a bitch who is more cunning and more sly than a bladie wolf. A pure bitch who would cause her children to regret of having such a mum! She is basically using my dad for her own use, despite ill treating him and also us during our hard time a few yrs back. Not tt i want my dad to take revennge on her or not help her at all. We ourselves re stuck in a hole and he wants to help others when he cant afford to. The agreement tt he had with her was to lend her the car till her delivery for a fourth child, of her second huband! Now, she came back asking for the car and there it starts all over again. Well, i was suppose to use the car last friday, but it failed due to this cos it was with my fucking cb sister. That was the truth behind me not bringing the car to school. Well, i had to put up with a false smile in school jus to keep this away and i can tell u tt the feelin is terrible when u have to do it almost everyday.

Well, mite appear as if its a small issue. As i said this is jus the pile up from the previous issues. The reasons, i have the right to be angry with my dad re plenty. Everything started even before my mum left us! Nov 2007, i was in Australia when my family had to shift out of our condominium, my fav house since i was born. My third sis walked out on my dad and didnt wanna support the burden of the family though my dad was financially hit. She jus didnt wanna lose any more penny for my dad, which i really hated her for. It all ended up with us losing our precious house. That was the biginning of the downturn. Dec 2007, when i came back, i didnt even know how the rented hse would look like. I was totally lost. Somehow found a way to my new place and realized tt there wasnt even a lift here. Had to climb to the third storey to reach my flat. The only thing tt made me smile tt day was my mum's smile, showing how much she awaited for my return. I wanna hug her even now thinking abt it. I jus felt home after seeing her, despite the new underated flat tt we were in. Its a very small hse and my dad was forced to pay quite a bit for it. They were jus cheating us on it n my father as usual got cheated. Well, nvm abt it. My dad still had like 100,000 in cash to secure us a new hse in the future. My mum, dad and i used to go to several hses tt were for sale. Both me and my mum had the same taste and we didnt like those flats tt my dad liked then. My mum would always want me to be included in the decision making process cause she sees the need in her son be part of it all. I really appreciated tt a lot. She respected watever i said.

Feb 11, unexpectedly, the hospital killed my mum who was suppose to be still breathing here now. All of us in the family were devastated. My third sis and first sis didnt visit my mum even once during her last few days, though they knew abt her admittance in the hospital. But somehow, the claim tt they didnt know though i have proof tt they did know. I dun wanna go into the tt part as for now. After like a month or so, we recieved insurance money of 50,000. My dad used to say we needed at least tt to guarantee us a hse and tt all will be smooth flowing. My mum somehow wanted us to carry on with our dreams even after she left us. So all in all my dad had more than sufficent amt jus for housing.

My mum used to cry to me sayin tt my dad was lying to her abt the bank balance in his act. According to my mum, he was secretively withdrawing money and it was somehow disappearing away. He spent close to 20,000 within a month for god knows wat. But yea he finally said tt it was for some business and the money would come back in double. I convinced my mum and told her not to worry and to trust my dad. At tt time i didnt know why my mum was so suspicious abt my dad. Apr we started to restructure our lives and progress further. We called for the hse agent and all. Everything seemed very normal and steady at this pt of time, from wat i know.

I trusted on my dad to handle this and thought he would really take it seriously and find us a proper housing to live in, without a need to pay huge sum of rents to a lousy housing tt we were in. A few months past. July 2008, i asked my dad on why the hse agent never showed up even once and asked him wats the current status of us finding for a new hse. My dad was afraid by my question, tt i didnt really realize then, and he just nodded his head to handle the situation giving me the false idead tt everything was still goin on as normal. As i further questioned him on whether we will be moving anytime soon, he again agreed but didnt say it convincingly. But since i trusted him so much, i didnt wanna question him further. August 2008, i was shocked to hear from my maid tt my dad had used up almost everything in his bank and tt less than a quarter of wat he had was left. I was so down tt as a son, i didnt know anything abt this and my maid had to elighten me.

I got very angry with my dad for spending duch a huge sum without my knowledge and angrily reacted, asking him to tranfer 10,000 to my account for my studies. My dad was disheartened by me reacting in that way but was gonna do the transfer since i insisted so harshly on him. But i was regretting ten folds more tt i behaved in such a manner and told my dad nvm he didnt have to as i trust him to at least take care of my studies and hold the cash at least for tt. Dunno why, i somehow wanted to apply for students' loan then and it got approved. Sch started and i was busy with it not knowing watever tt was happening.

Things reached my ears one by one. First, i heard my first si took 20,000 dollars from my dad for her difficulties. Secondly, i heard my second sis opened up a shop and my dad had to finace for her first cos she didnt have enuff to do so on her own so he forked out 10,000dollars for tt. Thridly, he practically gave his car to my thrid sis cos her car got towed away. Initially tt car was only suppose to be lent to her for 2 days, but it become three awful months. Forthly, i heard my dad opened up a shop despite the 100,000dollars lost he inucurred by opening one 7-8 yrs ago which cuased him to suffer big time financially for the first time in his life. Lastly i heard all the money tt he intially withdrew from his bank saying tt it was for some business, was all taken by ppl and not returned to him. They jus cheated him on it. I had to hear all these nonsense from my maid, who didnt tell me anything till everything was over. Also it was one week away from my finals, tt i heard this and i totally broke down tt day when i heard it.

Sooner or later, i realised why my dad used to hide all the bank letters tt came home. All his money was used up fully. Not leaving behind anything. Neither for my studies nor for the housing. My mum always feared my dad of losing it all and was very angry with him at times when he actually did such stuff. Her last dream, for my dad, was to come up well in life and to live a happy life in a new hme. Did he do tt? No. He didnt and he miserably failed in it. None of my sisters fulfilled my mum's dreams though i m not gonna talk wat they were. Those were her last wished and they cant even do tt bit for her. Including my DAD.

Now, there is no way tt we can buy a new hse, till the day tt i actually get my own salary. From a person who was bron under air conditioned situation, i am forced to sleep without one. Nott tt i cant but it is now a dream to live under one. Tts how much my life has turned. We dun even have the lowest std of housing under our name. What we have is purely a rented flat. Totally nothing tt my dad did to secure our financial needs. Hmmm. Do i deserve this? All in all, no one bothered to tell me wat was going on n left me to rod like tt. When i actually got to know and got angry, they were not happy tt i was gettin angry. Wat else can i do. Is it wrong to think tt i need to live like how other frens of mine re living. I dun wanna fanatsic life to live. But at least the bare minimum would do. Now its not even tt. My dad couldnt even keep my internet running tt i have to actually tap on other's network to run my internet and lie to my frens tt my comp suddenly not working. Somehow now it is really spoilt but wat i m trying to get at is tt my dad cant even provide tt bit.

Yes he is working alone and all. But i was the most relieved person to see my dad having suffiecent rest and no worries at all when all the money was in the bank with him. Why has he got to use it up? Why? I dunno. He jus screwed my life basically without even thinkin tt i was solely dependent on him. right now, i cant even afford to pay for my sch bill, which i was suppose to pay on the 30th of jan. Despite telling him a month ago, he failed to give me tt amt. I was still patient and told him at least by the next deadline he hes to. But i dunno if he would bother saving up for it. One can easily say i shouldnt stress my father cause he is also suffering with me. But i wouldnt have been angry if tt was the only case. The main thing here is tt he still intends to get a rented flat together with my first sis, despite knowing tt i hate her to the core and to provide her his income to run her family well. Sriously, how am i suppose to react? He told my maid tt i should not scold him abt this anymore. Well now, i cant even do tt. So yea, tts it. This is why i have to type it all out here cos thats the only thing i can do abt this. Tts all i m allowed to do.

I dunno where this is gonna end up in. All i wish is tt, all my frens and ppl whom i know should never ever experince a life tt i am living and tt they should never suffer the way i am. Hope my mum is hearing this out! I m all alone down here mum and ur son who was once always smiling, can never stop tearing and tt too, deep within the heart! Do i really deserve this????
Ganeshan | 2:59 AM