Been watching this silanthi drama on vasantham consistently. Well, the reason why i watch it till this extent is cos a lot of things tt is shown in the drama, believe it or not, is wat my family had gone thru before. Was shocked to see some of the portrayals of the characters, which closely related to my own family members. The one performed by the mother is wat really affects me the most. Well not the way she looks or wat but, whenever she cries or is depressed, it exactly sounds like my mum and that lady also cries the exact same way as my mum does. She also have certain features tt reminds me of my mum.

Yesterday was my best fren's bdae. He called me in the morning and he asked me if i would be able to get the car for tt day. I didnt feel like saying no to him. So i decided maybe i should let go off my ego and ask my dad for the car. But seriously, deep down in my heart i thought my dad wouldnt. Dunno why i thought tt way but i did. To my surprise my maid who called my dad to ask the car for me, replied to me saying tt dad is giving the car to me. I was so happy then. Drove to rama's place and picked him up. He wanted to drive from there and i allowed him to. We all ate at madjacks and decided to watch movie, naan kadavul, after tt. Suresh, sachdev, rama and prakash were on for it while the rest went back home. I drove from paradiz to pasir ris, to prakash's house. He wanted to drive his car so tt he can send suresh and sachdev home after the midnight movie. So yea from there we drove to yishun and reached there at abt 11plus. When sachdev went to the ticket counter to purchase the tickets, he was shocked to hear tt the tickets got sold out. Haiz. All of us were thoroughly disappointed and since we all took the trouble to drive all the way down, we decided to think of alternatives. After thinking thru a couple of ideas, we sttled to jalan kayu prata. The drive back home i had late nite was the best so far. The traffic was very clear and i reached home within 10 minutes from rama's place. Was quite fun.

As i woke up today, first news i heard from my maid was quite painful to hear. Well, she said yesterday, when she asked the car from my dad to pass it to me, he simply refused. He said he needs the car. But in actual fact, it was for my first sister. She was seen in my hse according to my maid complaining why the car was given to me. My maid also told me tt the car is with her almost everyday. And the reason my dad gave the car in the end to me was cos my maid was arguing with him tt i deserve the car since i never really asked from him and also this is the only time after very long tt i really asked. Not like my sis who asks for every single day and also gets the petrol money from my dad. Haiz. My maid had to actually remind my dad tt i was also his son and i should be let to drive his car and not just his daughter all the time. Hmmmz. Yes i feel sad being treated this way. Of all the children. i was the only one who stood by my parents' side when they suffered.(I dun wanna say out watever i did for them cos i simply dun like to do tt. Then there will be no pt of me helping them before.) My relatives all used to condemn my family a lot. They will tell my parents abt how their daughters have let them down and tt its a shame to have such daughters. They really ill-mouthed our entire faily. Even then, they had nothing to pin point abt me and there were comments tt came abt saying i was the only one in the family who is keeping the stadards high since the day they knew me! My parents were really proud of me for tt. But look at the reward i am getting now for all that. If u ever knew my sisters, u will be simply be shocked at how i have turned out to be. There is really a huge contrast. Not tt i m trying to boast about myself tt i am the best kid in the family. But i can touch my heart and say tt i have never done a thing tt has disappointed my parents before. They have always recieved good news whenever it is abt me.

I dun really know whether i should be depressed abt it or not cos guess its gonna be this way all the time. Well, i wun ask the car from him anymore. He can do whatever he wants with it. I dun even wanna get angry with him for this kinda stuff so better tt i stay away and keep quiet. If he really thinks my sister should drive the car instead of me, let him do so. Be it, i am very used to taking trains and buses all my life so doesnt really matter to me i guess.

Today is my second's sisters second time marriage! Well sounds like a joke to me seriously. I didnt even go for the first one when i was thirteen tt time. I was angry even then tt she disappointed my mum and just left the hse, leaving my mum to cry. The scar was so deep in my heart tt i was the only one who didnt wanna see her face and didnt wanna see her getting married to someone who caused my family to tear apart. Even my mum went for it. But yea, now, the second time she is getting married to yet another useless fellow. I dun have to care whetehr she does marry someone else or not cos tts her life. But when it invloves my nephew and all, i jus cant take it. This is jus too much. I really feel for my nephew who is jus 6 now, turning 7. He doesnt really know wat is going on now and guess he would be feeling so amazed tt his own mum is getting married in front of him. Imagine jus another 5 yrs later. He would start to realise why his mum did tt, and why he has two fathers. That small boy wouldnt be able to digest the fact tt his mum is so cheap. Didnt my sister think of all these. Its her own son for goodness sake. Which cb mother will do such a thing, something so selfish? Is it so necessary to be with tt guy. Well tts not all she has done. It goes way beyond tt. Jus tt i dun wanna type it all out here and tarnish the very bit of image she might, i mean might, have. Fuck the whole wedding man. Its so obvious tt its another major mistake in her life. Bladie fuck!!!

I have to set one thing right down here. I know i have been going on about how my family has been destroyed and how my sisters are behaving and all. This mite set others an image tt my family is of utter lowclass and we do the most indecent stuff together or watsoever. The truth is tt we used to be the family whom was talked about and ppl were taking us as examples on how their family should be. This even lasted till my jc days, though by then some of the family's reputation was gone. If i have to worry and cry out this kinda issues out now, it simply means i do regret of all this changes tt has come about. If i wasnt brought up from such a good family with good moral values, i wouldnt simply give a rat's ass abt it! So for those who re reading, please dun imagine tt i am from a family which dun really behave like one. Though it mite be pathetic now, i am still living and carrying the last bit of reputation tt my mum had grown out of this family. So at least for me, pls dun get all these the wrong way.

Enough of this crap abt my family tt i have mentioned in my last few posts. I rather talk about something tt has really moved me in a rather big way. Hmmz, i jus came across my fren's latest entry. It was so pleasing to my eyes tt i was mentioned in it as one of the four ppl tt my fren wanted to talk about. Sometime before a problem did arise and one of the issues involved was me being termed as "close" to that person. Though tt was not the underlying issue of the entire problem, it was still this term tt made other parties think tt i was a reliable source for some misunderstandings tt came about after a meaningless convo. I thought i could never make it even as a close fren of that person despite my underlying intentions tt i used to have. During my hardtimes, i dunno why i still carried on with those thoughts and why i had to depend on tt person to help me. Its not as if my fren owed me anything or wat and not as if tt person had to help me jus cos i had those intentions. And how i behaved makes me look sick cos its so unfair to tt person. It seems like i was rather being an oppurtunist then, to make tt person feel for me during a time where by my life was so darkened. I dunno why i behaved as such but purely, its my mistake to have behaved like tt. But wasnt too long ago tt i figured wat i was doing was wrong and i actually gave up on such thoughts. Anyone in her shoes will not even bother talking to me for being like tt. But being her, she took the trouble to reason out why things were as such and she actually mentioned tt she in a way had caused the hurt on me during times when i was really down. I am seriously lost for words to realize tt i have made such a fren who could actually be so nice to me after whatever nonsense i have done. I am so happy about how things have turned out to be between us. I usually believe things happen for a reason. This is one of it. If it was to have turned out my way, probably i wouldnt have known how to appreciate her tt much but now, i do know her importance as her fren. Though we never really used to be that good of frens, guess if there is one person tt i should be close to all my life, its her. I m so happy tt i have made a wonderful friednship out off all these. A big Thank You to ya!!! I cant explain how gd i felt to see myself mentioned as a gd fren of hers! Really made my day yesterday, i swear!
Ganeshan | 8:02 PM

Hey ppl, quite happy with some things in life as for now. I think i have frens who really bother and do care abt watever tt is happening! Thanks joel for coming forward to help though i never expected tt. And thanks to shameni for actually msging me on the 11th. Very nice of ya.

Guess its jus useless abt crying and whining on how my life has turned out to be. Instead, i should jus live it as it is. Take watever tt comes my way and learn how to cope with it. My internet connection was cut recently but i jus got it back with my own savings. I was just tellin my fren tt i have jus started saving after a long time and i told him i'll make sure it hits 1000 mark soon. But had to draw whtever tt was out to pay for the tv and internet. Nvm abt tt, lets see how long i can sustain with this crap!

Vday i chose to stay at home and didnt wanna go anywhere in the form of celebration. Think vday wun work for me. Its jus some other ordinary day in my calender. I think valentine's day should be celebrated with someone whom u truely love! Some might jus wanna cherish their friendship and go out on this day. Well guess tts a gd thing but it doesnt serve the purpose of a vday. A valentine is suppose to be some kind of a person u love, not like!!! Its cos of these two words tt ppl cant distinguish, problems arises. If u ever want to celebrate a day to cherish ur frens, tts wat friendship day is for!!! Nothing wrong to go out with frens on v day but dun make it such tt u have to celebrate vday with them instead jus go out jus like its any other normal day!!!

I would like to talk abt this vday incident tt strike my thoughts yesterday. I was in j2 then! Well, jc was so fun in the sense tt i get to collect lots of vday gifts and also i took the trouble to actually buy for ppl too. Never had this kinda exchange before jc cos i was in boys' sch for like the previous ten yrs then! Hahaha. so this kinda present exchange thingy was really very new for me. Not exactly an exchange cos ppl who gave me didnt really expect anything back so i felt the gifts were truely genuine. With tt i gotta talk abt the most memorable one tt i recieved. Tt day i was jus giving out the roses tt i bought for a few gals in sch. Suddenly, my friend angie tan gave me a real rose with a special card! Well, it was not by her but she was suppose to be the 10th person to recieve it and pass it to me! I was quite surprised tt someone actually took the trouble to plan it in such a way. Seriously, i didnt have a clue on who it was. I really appreciated the gift a lot and wanted to thank whoever who gave me it to me, in person! But till now, though i have a rough idea of who it is, i cant confirm tt she is the one. The card actually said tt i was the person's hero and be it singing or running i was always her superstar! Wat a complement and i was truely amazed by it. Still have the card with me!!! As for the person i think who gave me it, i truely didnt know tt at that time she was in a way interested in me. I never knew honestly! Its only after she left and like 6mths to one yr later, i ever knew abt it. We were not even proper frens in the first place so guess she mistook me of avoiding her when i actually behaved the normal way i was. But yea its quite funny to think abt those memories now. Its glad to know tt that gal has moved on in a way and is now happy wih her bf and all haha! Cool!

Last yr's v day was never a memorable day at all. Firstly, it was jus 3days after tt incident. Plus i was in my dampest moods of all. However, i still wished whomever i wanted to on tt day after giving a long thought abt it. There was only one as a matter of fact. I was really very down cos i was suppose to get a gift on the nite of the 11th feb for tt person and pass it to her for v day,sometime later! But, i never expected 11th feb nite to turn out in such a way tt i cant forget tt day ever in my life! So whenever its vday, i think this thoughts will come haunting me!

I have no interest for anyone at all and this is something very new abt me. Cos i rmb having a thought abt at least someone when i was in jc, throughout my army days and even last yr till sch started or wat. After entering uni, my love interest fell to an absolute zero haha! Dunno if its the work load tt i am occupied with or my own family situation tt is keeping me away from such interest. But tts the fact. Furthermore, i think i wouldnt want anyone who is not as gd as the last person whom i ever liked. It seems tt its quite hard for a gal to be better than tt,however i shall jus wait and see if anyone ever will be! But yea though there mite be some gal who might be like tt in the future, the chances tt she will like me back is very low i think. So yea i dunno how this is gonna end!

Thanks for the few who actually wished me for vday! Sorry for not replying back. Haha! Kindaf tells u tt i m a affected person deep within but jus dun wanna show it! On a lighter note, i actually won a vday luckydraw prize in ntu. Dunno wat kinda prize it is but yea, its the only gift i have gotten for this vday!!! Hahaha
Ganeshan | 6:54 PM

Well, i created this blog to list out the feelings tt was suppressed deep within me, whenever i wanted to! There is one thing tt has affected me in life in a very big way and i always wanted to talk abt it but didnt want my reputation to be gone or std of living to be known to anyone. But now, guess everything has build up to a pt where i need to let it out!!! I would appreciate if ppl who read this today, to just take this as a mere entry and not ask me anything abt it as i dun wish to discuss it with anyone. Also i m not the kind who would want anyone's sympathy, so if u feel for me, thanks but dun ever tell me tt u know abt wat i have said here. This is my only other way to let out wat's in my heart, since the first option of pouring out everything to my mum could never happen again!!! Pls pls, for those who re not tt close to me, avoid reading watever tt is typed after this. I apologize for typing out such a sad and loser post though i never really wanted to do so.

My dad is unhappy with me for shouting at him in the past week. Why? Well, it was jus another issue tt made me shout at him, or maybe tell him in a rude manner tt wat he was doing was pure stupidity! Firstly, there were so many other stuff tt he did before this that raised the tension level within me to react in such a way. The last being he lending the car to my sis yet again despite him tellin me and my maid tt he would nvr do tt again. Well for those who dun know abt my first sis, she is basically a bitch who is more cunning and more sly than a bladie wolf. A pure bitch who would cause her children to regret of having such a mum! She is basically using my dad for her own use, despite ill treating him and also us during our hard time a few yrs back. Not tt i want my dad to take revennge on her or not help her at all. We ourselves re stuck in a hole and he wants to help others when he cant afford to. The agreement tt he had with her was to lend her the car till her delivery for a fourth child, of her second huband! Now, she came back asking for the car and there it starts all over again. Well, i was suppose to use the car last friday, but it failed due to this cos it was with my fucking cb sister. That was the truth behind me not bringing the car to school. Well, i had to put up with a false smile in school jus to keep this away and i can tell u tt the feelin is terrible when u have to do it almost everyday.

Well, mite appear as if its a small issue. As i said this is jus the pile up from the previous issues. The reasons, i have the right to be angry with my dad re plenty. Everything started even before my mum left us! Nov 2007, i was in Australia when my family had to shift out of our condominium, my fav house since i was born. My third sis walked out on my dad and didnt wanna support the burden of the family though my dad was financially hit. She jus didnt wanna lose any more penny for my dad, which i really hated her for. It all ended up with us losing our precious house. That was the biginning of the downturn. Dec 2007, when i came back, i didnt even know how the rented hse would look like. I was totally lost. Somehow found a way to my new place and realized tt there wasnt even a lift here. Had to climb to the third storey to reach my flat. The only thing tt made me smile tt day was my mum's smile, showing how much she awaited for my return. I wanna hug her even now thinking abt it. I jus felt home after seeing her, despite the new underated flat tt we were in. Its a very small hse and my dad was forced to pay quite a bit for it. They were jus cheating us on it n my father as usual got cheated. Well, nvm abt it. My dad still had like 100,000 in cash to secure us a new hse in the future. My mum, dad and i used to go to several hses tt were for sale. Both me and my mum had the same taste and we didnt like those flats tt my dad liked then. My mum would always want me to be included in the decision making process cause she sees the need in her son be part of it all. I really appreciated tt a lot. She respected watever i said.

Feb 11, unexpectedly, the hospital killed my mum who was suppose to be still breathing here now. All of us in the family were devastated. My third sis and first sis didnt visit my mum even once during her last few days, though they knew abt her admittance in the hospital. But somehow, the claim tt they didnt know though i have proof tt they did know. I dun wanna go into the tt part as for now. After like a month or so, we recieved insurance money of 50,000. My dad used to say we needed at least tt to guarantee us a hse and tt all will be smooth flowing. My mum somehow wanted us to carry on with our dreams even after she left us. So all in all my dad had more than sufficent amt jus for housing.

My mum used to cry to me sayin tt my dad was lying to her abt the bank balance in his act. According to my mum, he was secretively withdrawing money and it was somehow disappearing away. He spent close to 20,000 within a month for god knows wat. But yea he finally said tt it was for some business and the money would come back in double. I convinced my mum and told her not to worry and to trust my dad. At tt time i didnt know why my mum was so suspicious abt my dad. Apr we started to restructure our lives and progress further. We called for the hse agent and all. Everything seemed very normal and steady at this pt of time, from wat i know.

I trusted on my dad to handle this and thought he would really take it seriously and find us a proper housing to live in, without a need to pay huge sum of rents to a lousy housing tt we were in. A few months past. July 2008, i asked my dad on why the hse agent never showed up even once and asked him wats the current status of us finding for a new hse. My dad was afraid by my question, tt i didnt really realize then, and he just nodded his head to handle the situation giving me the false idead tt everything was still goin on as normal. As i further questioned him on whether we will be moving anytime soon, he again agreed but didnt say it convincingly. But since i trusted him so much, i didnt wanna question him further. August 2008, i was shocked to hear from my maid tt my dad had used up almost everything in his bank and tt less than a quarter of wat he had was left. I was so down tt as a son, i didnt know anything abt this and my maid had to elighten me.

I got very angry with my dad for spending duch a huge sum without my knowledge and angrily reacted, asking him to tranfer 10,000 to my account for my studies. My dad was disheartened by me reacting in that way but was gonna do the transfer since i insisted so harshly on him. But i was regretting ten folds more tt i behaved in such a manner and told my dad nvm he didnt have to as i trust him to at least take care of my studies and hold the cash at least for tt. Dunno why, i somehow wanted to apply for students' loan then and it got approved. Sch started and i was busy with it not knowing watever tt was happening.

Things reached my ears one by one. First, i heard my first si took 20,000 dollars from my dad for her difficulties. Secondly, i heard my second sis opened up a shop and my dad had to finace for her first cos she didnt have enuff to do so on her own so he forked out 10,000dollars for tt. Thridly, he practically gave his car to my thrid sis cos her car got towed away. Initially tt car was only suppose to be lent to her for 2 days, but it become three awful months. Forthly, i heard my dad opened up a shop despite the 100,000dollars lost he inucurred by opening one 7-8 yrs ago which cuased him to suffer big time financially for the first time in his life. Lastly i heard all the money tt he intially withdrew from his bank saying tt it was for some business, was all taken by ppl and not returned to him. They jus cheated him on it. I had to hear all these nonsense from my maid, who didnt tell me anything till everything was over. Also it was one week away from my finals, tt i heard this and i totally broke down tt day when i heard it.

Sooner or later, i realised why my dad used to hide all the bank letters tt came home. All his money was used up fully. Not leaving behind anything. Neither for my studies nor for the housing. My mum always feared my dad of losing it all and was very angry with him at times when he actually did such stuff. Her last dream, for my dad, was to come up well in life and to live a happy life in a new hme. Did he do tt? No. He didnt and he miserably failed in it. None of my sisters fulfilled my mum's dreams though i m not gonna talk wat they were. Those were her last wished and they cant even do tt bit for her. Including my DAD.

Now, there is no way tt we can buy a new hse, till the day tt i actually get my own salary. From a person who was bron under air conditioned situation, i am forced to sleep without one. Nott tt i cant but it is now a dream to live under one. Tts how much my life has turned. We dun even have the lowest std of housing under our name. What we have is purely a rented flat. Totally nothing tt my dad did to secure our financial needs. Hmmm. Do i deserve this? All in all, no one bothered to tell me wat was going on n left me to rod like tt. When i actually got to know and got angry, they were not happy tt i was gettin angry. Wat else can i do. Is it wrong to think tt i need to live like how other frens of mine re living. I dun wanna fanatsic life to live. But at least the bare minimum would do. Now its not even tt. My dad couldnt even keep my internet running tt i have to actually tap on other's network to run my internet and lie to my frens tt my comp suddenly not working. Somehow now it is really spoilt but wat i m trying to get at is tt my dad cant even provide tt bit.

Yes he is working alone and all. But i was the most relieved person to see my dad having suffiecent rest and no worries at all when all the money was in the bank with him. Why has he got to use it up? Why? I dunno. He jus screwed my life basically without even thinkin tt i was solely dependent on him. right now, i cant even afford to pay for my sch bill, which i was suppose to pay on the 30th of jan. Despite telling him a month ago, he failed to give me tt amt. I was still patient and told him at least by the next deadline he hes to. But i dunno if he would bother saving up for it. One can easily say i shouldnt stress my father cause he is also suffering with me. But i wouldnt have been angry if tt was the only case. The main thing here is tt he still intends to get a rented flat together with my first sis, despite knowing tt i hate her to the core and to provide her his income to run her family well. Sriously, how am i suppose to react? He told my maid tt i should not scold him abt this anymore. Well now, i cant even do tt. So yea, tts it. This is why i have to type it all out here cos thats the only thing i can do abt this. Tts all i m allowed to do.

I dunno where this is gonna end up in. All i wish is tt, all my frens and ppl whom i know should never ever experince a life tt i am living and tt they should never suffer the way i am. Hope my mum is hearing this out! I m all alone down here mum and ur son who was once always smiling, can never stop tearing and tt too, deep within the heart! Do i really deserve this????
Ganeshan | 2:59 AM

hmmm some problems never seem to die out. It keeps coming again and again!!! Nevermind i'm sick of saying it so yea, let's jus give up on it! Last fri was pretty awesome. Had a jolly good time cos met up with all the scout commanders after such a long time. Really nice seeing them back. We were reminiscing all those tt happened during our ns life. Was really hilarious tt everyone remebered everything so clearly. Got to meet up again!!!

Saturday was supposedly my mum's one yr death anniversary according to indian's tradition. Dunno why is tt so when feb 11 is suppose to be the exact one yr period! For me, i think i will be really down on feb 11 itself cos already i feel slightly low. Cant believe one yr had past so fast. The last time i teared thinking about it was not very long ago too. Its within the past seven days. And yea, sat i wasnt feeling gd at all. It was painful to do the prayers for my mum's photo and buy her all her fav food. Never imagined tt i would be doing this for her. Wished all this never happened and it was all part of a huge nightmare. Well, ehhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday was the only day i had for my studies. I did try to put it to gd use. Did work relatively well. Managed to prepare well for my maths test which was on the next day. Met up with faye at northpoint at ard noon cos she didnt know wat else to do there as her rockclimbing class was 2hrs away. Enjoyed talking to her and telling her quite a number of stuff tt was happening in my life. It feels very nice when u actually let out important stuff to a very trustworthy and longtime fren. Enjoyed my time while with her!

I have come to a conclusion tt driving to sch everyday would be a stupid idea as it is gonna cos me hell lots for petrol. Based on my calculations, it will cost me 80 dollar more if i drive twice a week and 160 more if i drive everyday! Guess i'll go with once a week which will still cost me 40 dollar more for transport per month!

Dunno why but i find it very hard to sleep. I was actually half asleep yesterday and i was quite stunned tt my whole life jus like flashed past. I mean from the time i was a kid in kindergarten, then pri sch, followed by sec and so on! Everything was so real and was so true. Dunno how come those images still stay frsh in my brains but yea kinda weird. Normally i heard a person who is gonna pass away will have such weird moments. Hahaha. Not tt i am gonna die but its shocking tt such moments do happen to me too. Very tired now. This weekend is thaipusam and i'll be joining in for my fren's kavadi. Sch pace is starting to pick up. Not tt it was slow in the first place. Its actually too fast for me now i feel with a lots of tests coming up in such limited amt of time. Haiz. Someone, pls save me! Adiyos!!!
Ganeshan | 5:53 AM