Ermmm!!! A lot of things re goin on in my mind right now! A lot of things has happened for the past 3 weeks. I dunno where to start from. Let me begin with my exams. After nearly three yrs, i sat for examinations! Really quite stressful as the pace was so fast for me. However, i think i have put in a reasonable effort in the preparations. However, i feel i could have done more for especially my physics cos i was really quite slack and distracted at the start of the semesester. I shall not balme anyone at all for this cause it was truely my own dicision on watever i was doin. But i have to say i was really quite distrated. Time tt i used up for outings could have been instead spent for studying, As for the outings, some were the cannot be avoided kinds and some were the ones tt really took away my time. Distractions does not only include the outings but also other issues. I shall not talk abt all tt now.

As for ppl who dun know why i have to put myself altogether in one piece for the exam and why i am so determined do work hard and be serious, i shall talk abt those things now! There re two major reasons for this. Lets start of with the lighter one which is also truely a big reason. Me getting a place into the uni was not something tt came upon me very easily. The steps tt i took to earn myself a place here was really way too much. I've got to admit i didnt really put in the effort tt i should have for my A'levels and took it very lightly. The outcome was the i got grades tt couldnt qualify me for the course tt i wanted in the uni. In the first yr of applications, i got rejected by all the three uni's tt i applied for. I was really terrified and even my appeals didnt bring in any good news. I decided to work out ways tt i can pursue my dream so i tot signing on in the navy would earn me a place to study for marine engineering in an australian university. It was true tt it would lead me to my ambition but, there were ppl who stood against this idea of mine. And they were not ordianary ppl but those guys were the head for my battalion. I dun wanna bring out any names or wat but they really stood against my idea cos they needed me for tt particular vocation tt i was in at that moment. Not giving up, i applied the next yr for NUS and NTU. Nus rejected me again. It was really a very disappointment for me as i really wanted to go NUS. However, they sent me the same rejection letter year after year. Just when i tot i was never gonna get the course i wanted, NTU replied and they called me for an interview. Well, i was always very confident abt interviews and the interview really went well which got me a place for the uni!!! I was really delighted. So as u see, i didnt get this place like how ppl usually did.

The second reason is someone tt is very close to my heart. My mum was the nicest and the most cute person tt i ever knew. She really showed the love for all her kids despite them treating her like shit! Even during her final moments, she did not see two out of the four kids tt she gave birth to! I swear my mum didnt deserve tt at all but for those who thinks ur God is very fair, i think thats utter rubbish cos my mum really should have been enjoying her life instead of crying for most of it! The amt of worries tt she had to carry on her shoulders were way too much. But she had to she didnt face a good outcome in the end. So it was throughout a sad life for her i've gotta say. Coming back to the pt, my mum was so so overjoyed just by me getting a spot for the course tt i wanted. It was a simple dream for her for me jus to enter the uni and one more dream on top of tt. As for the first dream, i have fulfilled it and i knew how happy my mum was cos she expressed it to almost anyone whom she saw, be it strangers, relatives or friends. Now for the second one, it was for her to see me wear my Graduation attire on my day of graduation. I have to say i can only partially fulfill this second dream of her cos i dun think she can actually do see me wear it in front of her. However, being myself, i think i rather focus on the part where i can still fulfill half of her second wish which was to graduate in my course and make her happy. Therefore, i m really not gonna sacrifice any of my valuable time for anyone cos my mum and her wishes are the most important things for me and those are wat tt i gotta prioratise my time for. If there is anyone who cant undersatnd this simple fact, i really cant help but to go on with my goals and neglect them!

Well, my papers were generally ok on the whole. I did my level best. I think i did well for my material science and economics. Maths which was supposed to be my best turned out to be a dsaster cos the paper was really pretty difficult for me. I was stunned cos when i did the past yr papers, i really tot maths was something which i can really score. Physics as usual i think is my weakest paper. The preparation level for physics was not sufficent and it was my fault. I think the paper was easy but i could not do the qns cos i was not really prepared for it! Life sciences MCQ, was my last paper and i never studied so much for it like i did before the exams. I personally feel the paper was very tricky in the sense tt there were always two options for each qn tt i was stuck with and didnt know which was correct. I think i did relatively ok for tt to end up with a decent grade but not some grade tt i wished for definately. It was a big relief tt exams re over now and i have one outside exam tt i coming up tt i think is really important for me to pass. Tts my driving test. I am confident and i have to reflect tt on my actual day of test in order to pruduce the outcome tt i want.

Now, i've gotta touch on an issue tt i wanted to burst out after my exams. I have been controlling it all along within myself and i was so affected by it in the midst of my exams when i kept hearing stuff. Well it is really terrible to juggle family issues with studies. I feel tt i am totally left out in my family now. My dad and my sisters re fucntioning in a way tt i m totally out of the equation. Everything tt happens within the family only comes to my ears through my maid and after many weeks. I totally am lost of everything tt was happening until my maid updated me with all that. My mum was always worried tt my dad would use up all the money tt we have now,after selling away our house, for stupid reasons and end up bankrupt. When she was ard, i heard all these news and i would deter my father from continuing from all the nonsense tt he was doing. As for this current period of time, i dun have my mum with me to make me feel that i am part of the family. At one pt of time i heard that my dad was getting close to my sisters who abandoned him in times of crisis. Another pt of time, i heard tt he was helping them out for their problems such as housing loans, bills and business activities. Soon, i heard my first sister borrowed my father's car and she never returned it at all. The news of her going to bring her new husband and family,whom my mum disliked to the fullest, to my house jus hit me. And the latest of all is tt i heard my dad has used up all his money in his bank . He used it up to pay for all my sisters' needs, got cheated by ppl who disappeared after borrowing huge sums from him and his own business fell apart which was supposedly the same kindaf business which made him suffer a 100,000 dollar loss 4-5yrs ago. So end statement is tt he had made 150,000 dollars disappear into thin air jus like tt, leaving me with no proper conditions of living. From a boy who was born rich, i have came all the way down to this state in my life and the best part being, the only one whom i loved and tot would take care of me despite all the diffuculties , leaving me all alone by myself to suffer and die! No wonder u left early knowing tt all these problems re coming! What am i suppose to do now when i am left with nowhere to begin with????

I am really lost and confused. I wish no one ever goes thru the pain and torture and loneliness tt i am goin thru now! I think from being a person who was mighty positive, they have broke me into a person who lacks even the slightest amt of positiveness. I dunno if i am suppose to be angry with my dad and to hate him or wat. Cos he has really let me down and most imporatnatly, let my mother down. I will never forgive him for this. I really dunno who to cry out to but this is where i can do it without feeling awkward. Wished i had a better life. I get so sick of ppl who still complain when they have everything in life jus because they go thru the slightest amt of painful moments. Come replace me in my life, u will know eaxctly, wat the fuck is a problematic life. This yr has so far been the most disastrous yr in my life.

Right now, the only thing tt is still keeping me going, for me to try to put up with a smile though i m really hurt inside is cos of one big thing. And tt is cos of all the frens whom i have. I really feel happy tt at least i have these frens who seem to be there for me, to bring out tt very little smile left in me. Thanks to all of you. I dunno wat else to say. Just gotta wait and watch wat happens in my life from this pt onwards. Jus for the record, i am never crying for watever tt i typed cos i have really nothing left in me now which could even bring out those tears. I've had enuff!!!
Ganeshan | 5:42 AM