Hey guys, time for some updates! Ntu's life is becomin very stressful for me. Things are little too fast down here. Imagine u have to read like 25 lecture notes for jus one module and i half five such core modules plus one fucked up elective! The subject tt is really killin me is Physics. Nothing looks normal. Already it was tough coping up with the past 15 lectures where they covered from motions of particles in 2D motion all the way till fluids! Now to make things much difficult, they add in thermodynamics which contains 8 lectures jus by itself!!! And they have only done halfway through thermodynamics when exams are like in 10 days time!!! Wat the fuck do they think man? I never felt so stressed in my life. This is terrible cos i know final papers are nearing and i aint even halfway thru my revison cos i can hardly find time for revison when there re current topics and tests to keep up with. Haiz!!! From wat i heard, only engineering seems tough while all the others re doing fine in other faculties!!! Haiz!!! Dunno how sia!

Anyway, Deepavali jus past!!! Hmmm, wat can i say. It has been two yrs since i celebrated deepavali with my family! Last yr i couldnt celebrate as i was in australia for my battalion training! Almost died during the day of deepavali then, as me and my fren almost overturned together with the tank in the mountains of Australia. That route tt we were ordered to take was actually a "NO-Go" for my battalion. However since our Brigade, which is of a higher order then a battalion, insisted as so that we had to obey their orders. This is when things started going wrong. Luckily, i am still ard today!!! Lets not get too detailed into it. This yr itself, i cant celebrate cos of wat happened. Hope those of u who know me know exactly wat i am talkin abt. Life is never the same. The feeling of not being able to celebrate a festival that every one in ur ethnic grp gets to celebrate together with their family members, simply jus sucks! In my case, things were already bad when i used to celebrate my festival before. Firstly, during the yrs that i celebrated, i didnt have any freakin relative who bothered to visit us. Secondly, my sisters all started disappearing away from the family for reasons that they know the best; leaving me, my dad and my mum to celebrate deepavali alone. Now, everything has become worse. I have never regretted celebrating with jus my mum and dad! But now, i am not even priviledged to do tt. Its not as though only my family lost someone who meas a lot to the family. But the situation in my family is that wats suppose to be a family is already not functioning. Since i was in pri 4, there wasnt a happy moment where all of us gathered together as a family. I look ard and see ppl celebrate it so happily with all their family members and relative. How am i to feel? Why m i so unlucky? The word family has never existed in my life!! Why such a severe punishment for me? I really dun think i deserve this but this is the way it has been.

The feeling of being alone should never come to anyone. At least for those who lost their mum or dad still have siblings ard them who still keep the family thingy going. I am left alone all by myself. My deepavali was simply this: me in my room for almost 3/4 of the day for the next 5 days since thursday, Talking to absoltuelty no one cos there aint anyone who i can talk to at home, Studying for the tests that were coming up for the week ahead! Well mite seem normal to u. But let me tell u something. This has been my life since feb 11. It has been Me and jus me alone! My dad is very busy with all his business stuff tt i cant really blame him for anything. Basically, he is going thru the same kinda situation as me. But, at least he is going thru this in his 50s. Look at me! I am so lonely at home such tt i am feeling afraid to get close to anyone else. My own sisters have left me to suffer alone. How long m i suppose to suffer like tt in a world tt no one is ard other than me! Well for those of u who mite think i m saying all these to gain sympathy from u'll, i am really sorry. That was never my intention and i dun need any attention from anyone. I dun think i wanna share this with anyone in person and at the same time, i dun wanna keep this to myself. So pls allow me to vent my frustrations and sorrows here. I have really no mood to even celebrate future deepavali as there is seriously no pt to it. Imagine me and my dad. Wat can the both of us do to celebrate? I really dunno. Haizzzzzzzzzz. I always wished i had a family which was united. It seems as though nothing that i wished ever came true. I think i m jus fated to be like tt.

Well, enuff of that. As for the bright side, there re still ppl who make me feel as though i am being cared for. I dunno how to put it. But for a person who has no love or attention within his own family and for a person who is suffering from loneliness, all these attention from ppl whom re away from me, really makes me so happy at least for tt moment. Words cant describe how happy i was when two of my frens, the twins, brought all the deepavali food and stuff for me from their house. I was so touched that even their parents took some time to think abt an outsider like me and bother if i ate watever they got to eat! At first i didnt know why they wanted to come see someone who is so down and is totally a bad luck for deepavali. But i almost teared when i realized they actually came all the way down jus to pass me those stuff. Both of them were bothered to ask me if i was ok somemore! Really thanks!!! I wished i had a family like theirs where everyone is loved. I am saying this cos i was really so down tt i didnt wanna talk to anyone at all. The first tt i talked tt day was when i actually saw them. They carried a smile on their face when they saw me. Showed how much they cared for me despite their busy visitings. Haiz! Thats also the first tt i smiled for that day. I am really greatful to have frens like them. Well, there re also a few others who actually cared abt me aside from their own celebartions. Not tt i want them to but it really meant a lot to me when they did. Sorry if u dun like the way tt i am being so emo in this entry cos i jus cant be helped!!! Enuff of me boring u'll with my problems and all. Hopefully the coming weeks will have nothing that would make me regret to this extent!!! Nevertheless, everything would become better soon!!! Take care ppl!!!
Ganeshan | 7:59 AM