Been a few months already since it happened. But the pain seems to be never decreasing. Millions of memories still remain fresh in my mind but the person who was once around smiling and making me smile has disappeared totally. The way she was the last moment i saw her was so miserable. Her eyes rolled backwards and her teeth biting her toungue. She struggle to control the last amt of air tt was rotating in her body before it finally left her. She lost the struggle. How would it have felt when her heart stopped all of a sudden. How would she have felt when she knew one moment she could breathe and the next moment she could not? How painful would it have been? I really dunno how much it would have felt then, but ever since then, the pain has been increasing within me. Bullshit to ppl who said the pain will disappear after sometime. For those who said it, probably they never experienced anything close to wat i have. Some ppl would say you should jus talk it out. U will feel much better. All it does is makes u feel even more fucked up when u lose control of urself and show that even your eyes can tear. Is it necessary to even say out to someone wat happened. I seriously dun think it will help cos i have cried more than ever when i actually do.
It feels as though i held her arms and hugged her yesterday. I can still rememeber the way she talks, the way she smiles and everything else abt her. Even those things tt i bought for her all my life is still here with me. I cant rememeber her crying a single time because of me. I have never caused a tear in her eyes like how my sisters did. I am really proud abt tt. But wat makes me feel sad is tt she has caused me to tear the most now. Why such a painful punishment for a person who never wanted to see u cry. There is absolutely no one who can replace u if u tot i would be ok when someone else new in my life comes in to make me happy. The way u were to me i can never experience it from another person. Why didnt u tell me even when u knew u were not gonna stay here long. Why even bring me here? I only had u at home to talk to. And now, i jus dun feel like talking to anyone here. Its hard to show tt i m happy outside when tts really not the case. It hurts whenever ppl talk abt their mum and the things that they can still do for them. U re not even here to recieve wat i bought for ya during mother's day!!! Everyone else who bought gifts for their mums would have been so happy when they see their mums smile. But i only had a photo which was motionlessly staring at me. Your birthday jus past and i couldnt even celebrate it with u. Neither did u give me the priviledge to celebrate my most precious b dae with u. U wun know how much pain u have caused me when i see ppl take clothing for their mum for the upcoming festival when i couldnt do as such. You knew how much i would have loved to buy it for ya. Now i am not even entitled to buy anything for ya!!!
Ppl whom i tot i would be able to turn to totally didnt care and threw me away like a used product. I was never loved nor liked by them when i had so much in return for them. If only u were here i would never feel this way tt i am feeling now. Dun u ever think i m gonna be happy in my life in this aspect as there will be absolutely no one who could bring back the joy tt i always had when u were ard. The joy jus died together with u. Its scary to love anyone now. The fear of being left alone suddenly has really affected me in a great way. If there was one thing tt i wish for now, it would be for me to see you as soon as possible. I cant stand the world which doesnt have many nice ppl like u!!! Bring me back home mum, i feel so lost here!!!
Ganeshan | 1:06 AM