Hey guys, time for some updates! Ntu's life is becomin very stressful for me. Things are little too fast down here. Imagine u have to read like 25 lecture notes for jus one module and i half five such core modules plus one fucked up elective! The subject tt is really killin me is Physics. Nothing looks normal. Already it was tough coping up with the past 15 lectures where they covered from motions of particles in 2D motion all the way till fluids! Now to make things much difficult, they add in thermodynamics which contains 8 lectures jus by itself!!! And they have only done halfway through thermodynamics when exams are like in 10 days time!!! Wat the fuck do they think man? I never felt so stressed in my life. This is terrible cos i know final papers are nearing and i aint even halfway thru my revison cos i can hardly find time for revison when there re current topics and tests to keep up with. Haiz!!! From wat i heard, only engineering seems tough while all the others re doing fine in other faculties!!! Haiz!!! Dunno how sia!

Anyway, Deepavali jus past!!! Hmmm, wat can i say. It has been two yrs since i celebrated deepavali with my family! Last yr i couldnt celebrate as i was in australia for my battalion training! Almost died during the day of deepavali then, as me and my fren almost overturned together with the tank in the mountains of Australia. That route tt we were ordered to take was actually a "NO-Go" for my battalion. However since our Brigade, which is of a higher order then a battalion, insisted as so that we had to obey their orders. This is when things started going wrong. Luckily, i am still ard today!!! Lets not get too detailed into it. This yr itself, i cant celebrate cos of wat happened. Hope those of u who know me know exactly wat i am talkin abt. Life is never the same. The feeling of not being able to celebrate a festival that every one in ur ethnic grp gets to celebrate together with their family members, simply jus sucks! In my case, things were already bad when i used to celebrate my festival before. Firstly, during the yrs that i celebrated, i didnt have any freakin relative who bothered to visit us. Secondly, my sisters all started disappearing away from the family for reasons that they know the best; leaving me, my dad and my mum to celebrate deepavali alone. Now, everything has become worse. I have never regretted celebrating with jus my mum and dad! But now, i am not even priviledged to do tt. Its not as though only my family lost someone who meas a lot to the family. But the situation in my family is that wats suppose to be a family is already not functioning. Since i was in pri 4, there wasnt a happy moment where all of us gathered together as a family. I look ard and see ppl celebrate it so happily with all their family members and relative. How am i to feel? Why m i so unlucky? The word family has never existed in my life!! Why such a severe punishment for me? I really dun think i deserve this but this is the way it has been.

The feeling of being alone should never come to anyone. At least for those who lost their mum or dad still have siblings ard them who still keep the family thingy going. I am left alone all by myself. My deepavali was simply this: me in my room for almost 3/4 of the day for the next 5 days since thursday, Talking to absoltuelty no one cos there aint anyone who i can talk to at home, Studying for the tests that were coming up for the week ahead! Well mite seem normal to u. But let me tell u something. This has been my life since feb 11. It has been Me and jus me alone! My dad is very busy with all his business stuff tt i cant really blame him for anything. Basically, he is going thru the same kinda situation as me. But, at least he is going thru this in his 50s. Look at me! I am so lonely at home such tt i am feeling afraid to get close to anyone else. My own sisters have left me to suffer alone. How long m i suppose to suffer like tt in a world tt no one is ard other than me! Well for those of u who mite think i m saying all these to gain sympathy from u'll, i am really sorry. That was never my intention and i dun need any attention from anyone. I dun think i wanna share this with anyone in person and at the same time, i dun wanna keep this to myself. So pls allow me to vent my frustrations and sorrows here. I have really no mood to even celebrate future deepavali as there is seriously no pt to it. Imagine me and my dad. Wat can the both of us do to celebrate? I really dunno. Haizzzzzzzzzz. I always wished i had a family which was united. It seems as though nothing that i wished ever came true. I think i m jus fated to be like tt.

Well, enuff of that. As for the bright side, there re still ppl who make me feel as though i am being cared for. I dunno how to put it. But for a person who has no love or attention within his own family and for a person who is suffering from loneliness, all these attention from ppl whom re away from me, really makes me so happy at least for tt moment. Words cant describe how happy i was when two of my frens, the twins, brought all the deepavali food and stuff for me from their house. I was so touched that even their parents took some time to think abt an outsider like me and bother if i ate watever they got to eat! At first i didnt know why they wanted to come see someone who is so down and is totally a bad luck for deepavali. But i almost teared when i realized they actually came all the way down jus to pass me those stuff. Both of them were bothered to ask me if i was ok somemore! Really thanks!!! I wished i had a family like theirs where everyone is loved. I am saying this cos i was really so down tt i didnt wanna talk to anyone at all. The first tt i talked tt day was when i actually saw them. They carried a smile on their face when they saw me. Showed how much they cared for me despite their busy visitings. Haiz! Thats also the first tt i smiled for that day. I am really greatful to have frens like them. Well, there re also a few others who actually cared abt me aside from their own celebartions. Not tt i want them to but it really meant a lot to me when they did. Sorry if u dun like the way tt i am being so emo in this entry cos i jus cant be helped!!! Enuff of me boring u'll with my problems and all. Hopefully the coming weeks will have nothing that would make me regret to this extent!!! Nevertheless, everything would become better soon!!! Take care ppl!!!
Ganeshan | 7:59 AM

Been a few months already since it happened. But the pain seems to be never decreasing. Millions of memories still remain fresh in my mind but the person who was once around smiling and making me smile has disappeared totally. The way she was the last moment i saw her was so miserable. Her eyes rolled backwards and her teeth biting her toungue. She struggle to control the last amt of air tt was rotating in her body before it finally left her. She lost the struggle. How would it have felt when her heart stopped all of a sudden. How would she have felt when she knew one moment she could breathe and the next moment she could not? How painful would it have been? I really dunno how much it would have felt then, but ever since then, the pain has been increasing within me. Bullshit to ppl who said the pain will disappear after sometime. For those who said it, probably they never experienced anything close to wat i have. Some ppl would say you should jus talk it out. U will feel much better. All it does is makes u feel even more fucked up when u lose control of urself and show that even your eyes can tear. Is it necessary to even say out to someone wat happened. I seriously dun think it will help cos i have cried more than ever when i actually do.

It feels as though i held her arms and hugged her yesterday. I can still rememeber the way she talks, the way she smiles and everything else abt her. Even those things tt i bought for her all my life is still here with me. I cant rememeber her crying a single time because of me. I have never caused a tear in her eyes like how my sisters did. I am really proud abt tt. But wat makes me feel sad is tt she has caused me to tear the most now. Why such a painful punishment for a person who never wanted to see u cry. There is absolutely no one who can replace u if u tot i would be ok when someone else new in my life comes in to make me happy. The way u were to me i can never experience it from another person. Why didnt u tell me even when u knew u were not gonna stay here long. Why even bring me here? I only had u at home to talk to. And now, i jus dun feel like talking to anyone here. Its hard to show tt i m happy outside when tts really not the case. It hurts whenever ppl talk abt their mum and the things that they can still do for them. U re not even here to recieve wat i bought for ya during mother's day!!! Everyone else who bought gifts for their mums would have been so happy when they see their mums smile. But i only had a photo which was motionlessly staring at me. Your birthday jus past and i couldnt even celebrate it with u. Neither did u give me the priviledge to celebrate my most precious b dae with u. U wun know how much pain u have caused me when i see ppl take clothing for their mum for the upcoming festival when i couldnt do as such. You knew how much i would have loved to buy it for ya. Now i am not even entitled to buy anything for ya!!!

Ppl whom i tot i would be able to turn to totally didnt care and threw me away like a used product. I was never loved nor liked by them when i had so much in return for them. If only u were here i would never feel this way tt i am feeling now. Dun u ever think i m gonna be happy in my life in this aspect as there will be absolutely no one who could bring back the joy tt i always had when u were ard. The joy jus died together with u. Its scary to love anyone now. The fear of being left alone suddenly has really affected me in a great way. If there was one thing tt i wish for now, it would be for me to see you as soon as possible. I cant stand the world which doesnt have many nice ppl like u!!! Bring me back home mum, i feel so lost here!!!
Ganeshan | 1:06 AM

Hmmm, getting to blog once a week has almost become impossible due to the amt of work load that is piling up. I am really quite pissed with myself for not using my weekends wisely for studying. Often, i get caught up with some b dae celebration, outing and some other nonsense except for studying. The semester exams are like in a month away. Seems like a am lagging behind like shit. Especially after recess week, i have been damn slack it seems. I m already one topic behind for my physics tutorial. All the others i am just on time but seems like i mite lag behind anytime. Somehow my free days get affected. Like yesterday, i went clubbing even though i told myself not to from the start. Jus tt when i saw most of my frens coincidentally at where i was, i couldnt stop myself from going when i knew all of them were. So yea, went and today practically no mood for any studying. Feel like slapping myself. I dun think i am gonna club anytime soon. Gonna keep myself distant from clubbing till i feel tt i should which i dun think will be anytime soon. Feeling quite stressed now cos of all these. Haiz.

Anyway, i was happy during the start of the week. Dun wanna list out the reason but yea i felt tt i have achieved something. Felt so good tt finally wat i wished happened sort of took place. Wed i became super ill. I really started to hallucinate stuff i guess. Whatever happened when i was trying to sleep tt day was quite terrifying. But yea, now everything is ok. I cant imagine i have lost 5kg since university commenced. From 68 to 63kg. I took lots of effort gaining mass and all but now i am slowly losing it all back. There is hardly any room for me to go to the gym. Nowadays, I dont have time for anything else besides mugging. Well, gotta wait till holidays to come, for me to hit to the gym.

Life has been so boring as of late. Dunno why but it jus feels like i m doing the same thing again and again in a routine and tt i am not doing many things properly. There is something tt i wanna talk about today tt i wanted to address for sometime. I like to clearly state tt i have absolutely no time to think abt any gals in my life for now. Seriously, i dun see why. I am quite disheartened by all tt happened before i started uni. What you want so badly sometimes, will never come to you! This is what i learnt before uni. And now, i jus cant see myself liking anyone new or stuff. Seems dumb to even like anyone at this pt of time. I dun think its necessary at all. Recently, some of my outside frens have asked me if i am attached to some particular gal. I would jus like to say tt all the people i m close with now are like my really gd frens and tts all. There is a line tt seperates gd frens and bf/gf. I know where i stand and will never cross the line cos its so dumb if i did tt. And i never wanted anyone of them whom i am close to now to be my gf cos tts quite sick from what i feel. And i have my own personal feelings and stuff tt some ppl fail to realize. I am never a person who minds when ppl make fun of me and someone else being together and all cos its kindaf normal. But when ppl mean wat they say somehow, i will be able to sense it and i jus dun think tts ryte. Go ahead if u wanna make fun as long as u dun push it too far and make those two ppl involved feel awkward. Most of the time, one of the two ppl involved will somehow start to believe wat ppl are saying and things mite get ugly. I m not anyhow stating this but its something which is very true if u have seen incidents like tt, u would know. And often ppl tend to forget tt i mite have my own interest for someone else outside and they mite jus be tarnishing my image indirectly. I am not saying tt this is the case but jus giving an example. Cos like i said, my outside frens who havent been in contact with me thought tt i am really attached. It might spoil certain things for me when ppl get too overboard. Oh yea as for ppl who dun even know me well, they should not comment at all cos i will never like it. As long as u are my fren, u can do anything to me. Cos i believe all the close ones would know what i m going thru and they wun push too far as a result.

Guess tts all i want to say this time ard. Wish tt my time managment would improve in the coming weeks. hopefully i wun waste it. No hard feelings for whatever i stated here cos if not i would never have the chance to say certain stuff. Will be back to blog when i get the time again. Tataz!!!!
Ganeshan | 5:10 AM