I was watching some drama series today on tv! A scene came whereby the patient had to use the oxygen mask for breathing. It jus made me switch off the damn tv cos reminded me of the entire incident again.

She was breathing normally till then and had slight difficulties breathing occasionally. But dunno wat made her ask for the oxygen mask. Her breathing detoriated gradually right after tt. She looked even more pale. The nurse had to take the mask off for awhile and when she did, she struggled for awhile as if she is out of breath. I shouted at them to put her mask immediately. she turned back to normal. I told them immediately after tt, tt she was really having breathing difficulty and told the chief doctor to come. at that time only I and my sis were there. I did most of the talking. the nurse said the docs were coming. But it took damn long for them to come. I repeatedly asked the nurse to check on her breathing. she jus pointed to the respiratory curve on the screen and kept telling me it was 100percent. The doc finally came and she checked on her. She said it was normal. But moments later she brought a more experienced male doctor there. He found tt something was wrong. And said he wanted to attach a wind pipe through her lungs. He wanted me to decide since my dad was also not there and i was alone. My sis came and she seemed very blur. I looked at her and she was really out of breath. I was jus tearing. Felt something wasnt ryte. Even though the doctor didnt make it seem tensed. But i jus felt something. I hold on to her head and combed her hair slightly. Kissed her and asked her if she wants the wind pipe. she couldnt even reply properly. She jus nodded a bit. I told the doctors to arrange. They did. But they told me have to shift her to the ICU. I was thinking why is it so serious. I said ok. She was turning very pale and kept looking upwards. I went to her and kissed her repeatedly while tearing. I told her dun be scared. She'll be alright. She then asked me, "Will Mum be back Ganesh?" I started tearing more but tried not to show her tt i was crying to see her like tt. I tried very hard to hold back the tears while replying to her. " Dun worry mum. U will be alright! You will be back for sure. They jus transferring u to the room beside. dun worry. I'm here waiting for u. Dun worry i'll be here with you!" I kept kissing her while tearing. My sis was jus behind me. She saw me so i tried to hide my tears went i turned into her direction. The docs ask me to move aside. they shut the curtains. The male doctor told me he was gonna change everything to ICU settings from where she was. I was jus getting more and more worried. My heart felt heavy. I was really down. Dunno how to explain it but its jus a feeling that no one should experience. The doctor went in and closed the curtains. They were saying like," its going down very fast. Faster hurry!" One nurse came out and told me to stay out from the place itself. Not jus outside the curtains but outside the room's door. She didnt look at me properly when saying it. I went out and i heard one of the nurse shout at her,"aunty u gotta believe in urself. If u dun help urself we cant help u!" I rushed in but they kept asking me to stay away. Then the doctor brought the respiratory in and told everyone to move back. Moments after that the nurses were saying, "pump faster!" I was really stunned and looked lost. The doctor finally came out to me and he looked very disappointed. I was there with my sis. No one else. He came to me and told this," well, i would like to inform u that ur mum has suddenly collapsed! We re trying to revive her back! But chances re 50percent and lower. There is no pulse rate. Everything shows zero!" Tears started flowing down faster than ever. My sis was crying too. I told the doctor "pls try to save her. Pls bring her back." He said,"we re trying our best but no guarantee!" I calmed my sis down say dun think negatively. Told her that she will be back. My dad finally arrived. He saw us tearing. He went in. He drew the curtains and went in. And he was stunned. He came to me angrily and said," They kill her already. She is dead." I rushed to her bed. There she was not moving at all! Totally motionless. They had removed her top to use the repiratory. Wat i saw was a human body which was like a dead frog. She didnt look normal at all. Her eyes looked to her top right. Her toungue, she was biting it. Her hands were tightly gripped. The screen which they kept pointing showed that everything was zero. I screamed at the nurses who were there. Told them abt wat they had caused to happen and asked them to look at their fucking screen which stated wrongly. Was screaming my lungs out. My dad had to stop me from hitting the doctor. I told the other patients there to go different hospital. If not the same will happen cos the ppl there jus dun take care of anyone. i fought with the police who came there. Scolded them with all the vulgarities when they told me ,"dun make a scene!" I shouted at them, "You would only know the pain when ur mother dies! " And started listing out all the vulgarities. Went over to her dead body and cried. Couldnt stop crying but kept crying. Some of my frens called but i couldnt tell them properly. Was jus crying again and again. I told her she will be back and she believed wat i said. Now i have cheated her. She didnt in the end. I gave her the fat hope. I lied to her. I should have pushed for the blood transfusion. I should have asked her not to wear that mask in the first place. I should have screamed at the hospital staffs much much earlier than tt. Its too late now. My Mum, the best soul tt i have ever seen, the one that i loved the most, the one that i always played with and the one who always talks to me and the one who always cared and showed me love... is no more!!!!! She did ask god to save her when she was struggling the first time they took the mask off. I heard her say tt. Where was God? Where? Why didnt he save someone who believed him? what is God when God cant even help a person who needs help when dying? How can i pray to someone who didnt bother saving the person who I wanted to be with me all my life. She was the nicest person i knew and why her? Its unfair. I wun pray in my life anymore! Not to someone who cheated my mum. And i hate myself for lying to her too! I cant stop crying! It comes everyday. The smile tt i put up infront of my frens doesnt come in easy. Only i know the pain that i have to suppress within me. At times ppl see me with eyes which seems damn red. Dun ask me why, cos there is only one reason for it to be like tt.

I still see ppl who dun treat their mum nicely after whatever that happended to me. They could tell me how their mum are irritating them and all! I wish my mum could nag at me,that she can scold me and tt she could at least talk to me. But can it happen? Please respect and cherish the moments with ur mums! U dunno what u've got till its gone! Dun cry after everything is over. Make all ur mum happy and fulfill all their wishes before its too late. Make sure they dun have to worry abt anything at all regarding u! And most importantly, love them more than anyone else that u'll know! You ppl re lucky u still have the someone who i dun. So pls dun waste ur time on unnecessary stuff. Show ur love to them in watever way u can and keep them happy forever!

I would like to say jus one more thing. U mite not be here anymore and u cant see me tear for u each and everyday in my life. But u always knew that i loved u the most and no one can kill tt love that i have for u! U re still living in me! Hope u re safe up there!
Ganeshan | 12:39 AM