Have been really tired the past few days! Not cos i m working my ass off but becos of last weekend's activities. Sunday, even though i complained my body was aching, i still went on to play street soccer. Tts it, after tt cant even walk normally. And instead of resting well the next day, i went to gym. Spent the rest of the day at van's hse after that. Quite relaxed there but i should have slept well before i went over cos i was damn lethargic and tired. Brownie was awesome though haha and so was the company! Tue suppose to go NUS with COT, but i knew that NUS was having study break, which means all of them will be missing from school. I saw no pt going there since the COT was there to do medical check up which was gonna be like for hrs. So i decided to head to the gym instead and meet the COT at queensway after their medical. But somehow, the medical ended much earlier than i expected and they already reached queensway, which was the time tt i just ended gyming. So yea, cancelled my plan since there was like no pt to rush till queensway. I tot i could just spend the entire day at home like that since all the plans were cancelled. But yea, ryte after i stepped into the hse, i received a call from Sharadha. She was at northpoint with Raja. So asked me come along. So yea i decided to go. And my dad wasnt using his car that day so yea, we took the car and drove to clark quay. Raja is bad with directions man. But nvm. Hahahaha! It takes time. And after that came back to yishun to park the car as raja had to leave for like some poojai or prayers! So Shara and I went to the Starbucks at Northpoint and talk a lot of cock for like 2hrs. Just when i was gonna leave home, van called me for dinner at Serangoon with Brenda. So i said ok again. Yea, tts for Tue.

Wed was our jersey ordering day! Not just the jersey but the whole set which was the jersey, shorts and socks. A lot of things cocked up on that day. Like my dad's cashcard reader cannot function so we couldnt go anywhere before 7 since Peninsula plaza is like in city. Suraen's comp was malfunctioning and the image couldnt be registered properly. So i had to go his hse and somehow transfer the image. Damn! And by the time we reached penin was like 7.30pm. The shop that i wanted to print was Chopra Printings but he closes at 6.30pm. So yea ended up with this other shop. They charged us 50 for one full set. So we ordered like 17sets. Pasu paid half first. The remaining i have to collect by Sunday! The logo can only be printed in that shop and cannot be made onto a cloth and sewed on. So yea fucked up. And our idea of printing our names on the sleeves was abolished since the sleeve was like black and we were using black print. So we decided to go with the words at the back. After that went Sam Sam Murtabak Shop at Arab street. Was damn full after eating there. Sachdev called to tell me that the field is confirmed. Its at Broadrick Secondary School near Paya Labar. I immeadiately called the ref and he told me he'll confirm by the next day which was today. And yea he agreed to ref the match in the end.So kewl, we re on the way for our first match! Sunday 3pm-5pm. Kewl eh. Cant wait.

The whole of today i was at home alone. Suppose to go out with Sajeev, Se Wei and more but somehow, nothing happened. Sajeev didnt update on anything so i jus ended up staying at home. Was alone sia. Whenever u're alone, it aint a gd thing. Cos u start to think about certain stuff. Well i was looking at my mum's photo hanging on the wall. Everything like jus flashed past. Really cant believe it. I can never go by a day without talking to her. I am the type have to say things all the time. Not that i say things that re really important. I just utter out pure rubbish all the time. Tts me as u know. But yea, nowadays, there is like no one at home that i can talk that way and tell things that i used to. I am saying stuff to my maid instead but it doesnt feel the same at all cos i cant say everything tt i want to cos its like, she might not even bother listening. I just miss all those moments. Recalled all the times that i spent together with her. She'll like buy me stuff from outside everytime she goes out. 24hrs she will think abt me. Hmmmz. I dunno. Now it is like i have no one else besides my frens, father and maid. My dad is the kind who cannot show his affection and love all. He purely just works and hangs out with his frens at nite these days. So its not tt i can talk to him like i can to my mum. Its totally diff with my dad when u compare to the things i can do with my mum. I always call her to update her on stuff. Even when i was in the army, all the guys call like their gf. I call my mum instead. And we talk for like damn long. N if u know abt my family, i never had wat u call as siblings love or unity. We are all seperated. The only one i talk to is like my second sis cos she is the only nice one. But my dad told me not to mix with her anymore recently. Cos all three are humilaiting him even till date. I feel really sorry for him. He is such a nice and caring and loving father. Yet the daughters like dun appreciate his efforts. He is like 57 somemore. I m jus afraid man. Seriously. The only true family member that i have left, is him. And my maid who is like my sis to me! For all the love she showed to my mum. Hmmmz. I will help my dad as much as i can and make sure at least i dun let him down. So far, he is happy with me.

I realised something else while i recalled all the past. My mum, during her last few hours, only asked abt the three daughters. she asked the most critical qns of all. Like how is my second sister's decision to divorce and that she should not, whether my 3rd sis will change to the better and love someone who is educated instead of someone who deosnt work for nuts and whether the first sis will stop doing all the nonsense that she is doing even now. Haiz. That jus shows one thing. That she was fully happy with me. Wasted, she wanted so badly to see me go uni and get my liscence to drive her around. Now she cant! Even though i have done whatever she wanted. My dad was so upset about my sisters that he really talked from his heart when we were travelling that day. He sounded really damn sad and i really felt really low seeing him like tt. Seriously, no father should undergo such humiliation. Hmmm. As i said, the frens ard me, they mean a lot to me. Cos without them, i m practically gone. No life. I seriously cannot imagine. Even a small thing that they do together with me means a lot to me these days. I really appreciate all my frens. I was quite moved with the way van's family members are with one another. It really looks like a family. I have never experienced such a life after i turned 6. Her siblings re like a million times better. Why didnt i get such siblings too. Hmmmz.

I couldnt control when i actually recalled back the moments with my mum that i cried again. Its like, i am repaeting this for quite sometime already. But this is how my life has been. That feeling just hits me every now and then. I couldnt stop for like one entire hr. Hmmm. Really felt damn low. I couldnt stop staring at her photo. If i ever had a wish, i'll just ask for her back. Everything in this world to me now is so dull without her! Nothing seems to be the same. I dunno if somehow all these reached to my mum. I really wish she knows. And that she sees my cry and suffer like that in pain almost everyday. God is really unfair. He took away my dearest when there are like so many others ard. I really had like a small percentage of respect for God before she left me. Now, i'll never believe that what ppl think as God, ever exist. All rubbish. Why my mu, who is like the nicest person that i know. Who showed me what love is. And for me, For being a nice guy, this is what i get in my life. Totally Shattered! Who can ever show me these love that i lack in my family now? I really am dying to know! Life is really unfair!
Ganeshan | 5:51 AM