February 26th 2008


Every mother father son who did not attend almost most of the rites throughout the sixteen days have to now open their fucking mouths. I dunno why the fuck some indians re like tt but they seriously have no brains. Firstly, i'm a guy who never fast or never prayed to any god. But after my mum passed away, i followed the culture not because i m hindu or wat but purely to show my respect to my mum. Cos for me, she is the only god that whom truely exists. I stayed vegetarian for so many days and never bleed and followed everything properly. I was the one who was really suffering in the cold when i had to do the prayers in my bare body at the sea when it was raining so heavily at a time after 4am. Yet today, the last day of the 16days, one fucking lady instead of paying her respects to my mum, felt tt it was better to spread ard the news that it is a sin tt i never shaved my beard and all. Seriously, i asked the priests abt it n he said everything is over nd done ryte and i can take my own sweep time to shave as i already offered a bit of my hair at the sea and that there is no need to shave immediately or wat. The priests told me and i did listen to him. But now ppl are comin to say tt i have commited a sin by having the beard and all. I tot it was a normal thing when the lady came all the way to me and said tt i shouldnt haVE COME WITH THE BEARD. i ALSO didnt react to it as i tot it was some other useless comment by a relative. But it was not even an hour, the lady went to spread ard tt i have commited a big sin. And all the relatives have to come and tell me tt i immediately have to shave my beard as it is deemed as dirt. LEt me ask, if the hair on my fuckig face is dirt and i have to shave, wat abt tt on my head. Since every single part of my body counts, shave all the fucking hair laa then. Why is it jus the beard? How can jus the beard be a sin? When the priests didnt say anything, why the fuck these chee bais have to utter such nonsense.

And my dad of all, if someone should understand the pain that i am goin thru, he should be the one. Instead he has to say tt i am the only son in singapore who doesnt show his respect to the mum by not shaving. We did talk abt the beard before goin to the temple n he said its fine.Jus cos the fucking lady said its actually not ryte he has to say all these. N its not the first time, he said it for the second time already. AM i a son who does not respect his mum? Would anybody have cried more than me thruthfully from the bottom of the heart when my mum was lying there motionless? Who was it who was by my mum's side when she passed away?

Well when my mum was ard, she shielded me from all these fucking ugly chee bais from sayin anything abt me. Whatever they say,she will jack them back. And nobody dare said anything abt me when she was there for me. Now, there is purely no one for me that i have to take all these comments tt only causes pain. Nobody sees how much of pain i have to carry and bury within me n do the rites as though i m not at all affected. They had to jus stir shit up and now for them, they should be glad enough. My dad and i had some heated arguement jus cos of this. After he mentioned tt i m the only son who doesnt care abt his mum, i immediately shouted back. Cos i know and i know my mum knows tt i repect hr and tt my heart is clean and pure. No mother fucker can understand me. There was my mum who knew me well and who showed all her love to me and now, i have to suffer alone without her guidance and aid. I dunno what's hppening. This is jus the start. Haiz. I dunno who to cry out to. I will never get my mum back no matter wat. And no one can replace her. I have jus gotten the feeling that i have nobody else to show the love like the kind my mum showed. Everybody else is so fake and so selfish. Only my mum cared abt her son before anything and everything. What m i going to do without you mum?



February 23rd 2008


Life has really been boring as of recent. I'm still at my sis place and there is really nothing to do here not that the fascilities re not here. But just that i am not suppose to watch tv and all at home. There is so many rules tt i m suppose to follow till the 16th day is over which will be this coming tue. So wed onwards everything will be quite normal. Rite now the only thing that i have is a laptop. And glad to say its my personal laptop that i jus bought from harvey norman. At first was using my sis's laptop and she had to return back to the office, so i was totally bored and was really rotting. So my dad got me one since he had to get me one for uni. And guess wat, i got the laptop that i always wanted. Even the colour of my laptop is what i wished for. It is the sony vaio cr metallic white. Damn kewl.I love it. I'm am really touched by my dad as this is the first time after damn long that i told him to buy me something big. And he jus got it for me without thinking much. The last time was when i was like primary 1 when i asked him for a wrestling toy. Since then i have not expected any gifts from my dad. So yea, it means a lot to me.

The feeling and pain i m goin thru is so much tt i cant really express it out. I'm actually worried tt if i keep tellin my frens abt it, they'll really get sick of me. Therefore i have to act normal. I really feel like i'm not like usual when i meet my frens. I cant talk and chat and laugh like before. Usually it comes out naturally. Now i am jus forcing it out. As a result of this, i actually turned down a few outings tt i was suppose to go as i felt a bit uneasy showing my face to some grp of ppl. I rather go out with fewer ppl ard like one or two instead of a whole bunch of them as i really wun be able to enjoy and converse like before. The only time tt i felt pretty normal like before was when i met up with brendan and vanessa yesterday. Dunno why was tt so but i felt gd. Hopefully i wun take too long to get back to my normal behaviour and all.

Everytime i travel and i am alone, there is only one thing flashing in my mind. I still cant accept wat has happened and still think that we could have stopped it from happening. Its so weird tt i can communicate with someone who is so alive and all at one pt of time and in mere seconds, they turn into like a statue. I dunno how much of pain my mum went thru the last few seconds tt she was struggling to breathe. It would have been really painful. I cant forget the way i held her in my arms when she was still talking and i cant get rid of the moment i saw her motionless and helpless. Haiz, i really dunno why this has got to happen.

I never got so affected by the ting mama song by jay chou before. True tt i dun understand the lyrics and all but i know its something abt mother and son relationship. All the songs abt mums really cos the tears to come out everytime i listen to them. I dunno how long this is gonna affect me. Even though i am carrying on with my life pretty normal, it is my feelings that re really affected.

I didnt get to celebrate my best fren's b dae happily cos i cant as a result of the custom and all. Its his 21st b dae and we should at least have some big big celebration tt gets everyone high. Instead we had a decent celebration at fish and co which was also nice but jus tt there needs to be more than this for a 21st celebration. I need to make up for this sometime after everything is over. I have got to say tt all my frens have been really so thoughtful and they never failed to show their concern. I'm really moved by every single one of them. I feel sort of lucky to have such company when i need it the most.

Well i know i sounded very sad and all for this entire post. Sorry haha. Well on a brighter note, i'll be moving to my own flat at yishun this wed and i will be continuing with my normal lifestyle as before. Will be starting on my gym again after long and will be calling up all the schs for relief teaching. I want to meet some ppl after all these like my army guys, my indiano frens, my trackers and yea some others who really mean a lot to me. Seems tt they re quite busy now so yea, when the time is ryte, i will definately put in the effort to go meet them. Well anyway, gd luck for all my frens who re having their CA in the uni. Byeee!!!!


February 15th 2008


I Love You MUM!

Many things happen in life but somethings that happens can change our lives for ever. My life is no longer the same and it can never be. The person who showed me how to love, how to care and how to be nice is no longer here to guide me. No matter what wrong i did, i was always accepted back. Wherever i go i do inform her, when ever she is not at home i'll ask for her whereabouts. Never was there a day whereby i slept without telling her Goodnite when she was ard! whatever problems whatever happiness, i could only share my feelings with her. The only person who cares for me for 24hrs in a day, no doubt there can be only one and thats her! She is always my only God, first girlfriend and the best mum one could ever have. There is absolutely no one who can replace this void that will exist forever.

I was lucky enough to perform all the major stuffs before she left me! I was the one who talked to her last, i was the one who kissed her last, i was the one who told her to be strong and that she'll be back with us, i was the one who feed her for the last time, i was the one who held her in my hands for the last time, i was the one who let her drink for the last time and i was the one who gave her the last orange that she ever ate. Even the final rites gave me the power to perform the most important duties and send her off safely to heaven. Her sole will rest in peace! She was always proud of her son and i'll never let her down even if she aint physically with us.

I dunno how to overcome this as i cannot accept the fact that she is no more. The pain is unbearable. My anger against the hospital is boiling even more everytime i think abt wat they have done to her. The pain can be reduced and the thoughts can be avoided temporarily. But nothing can dissolve it totally. For that i called whoever i want and i jus talk to them pouring out whatever i need to. Sorry to this ppl who i am going to be of a bother to them. There re some who call me and msg me at times to check on me. Thanks to u'll too. And some wants me to meet them up to ease my mind a bit. Thanks to u'll too. I really wanted someone at one pt of time to actually cry out after the entire funeral was over. Too bad, i had to find alternatives. I should not have added this previous line in but yea i am really down. Sorry if its causing any pain to you. i didnt mean to. I really need ur attention. Cant help it but have to say it! At least that would be something enuff to recover me back to almost the normal life that i was leading. Hopefully everything is alrite with u as i m worried if you're going thru other problems. i have not misunderstood you or wat as i know u well enuff.

I was touched by a lot of frens. Some teared for my mum, some teared for me, some who i tot i will never be able to contact them appeared on the most important times when i needed ppl ard me. My campmates really touched my heart as i never expected for the whole platoon to be coming down as i have already left the unit! My unit has given my whole coy line the permission to attend my mum's funeral despite the day being a working day. Really have no words to describe my appreciation. My track family also showed me hell lots of support by coming down. My indian frens be it girls or guys all have shown their faces at least once. The ppl i wanted by my side did come and was giving the listening ear. My scout guys too made me feel as though i m someone impt to them. All of you who came down to show me your support, i will never forget u'll for life and i am really thankful to have such great frens ard that i have made throughout my life so far! Really thanks!!! If i am not wrong there was close to 100 guys who came down jus for me in that two days. THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU ALL.

Before i finish of with this post, i'd want everyone to learn from what happened. Show the person all the love and care u can when they re still ard. My sis could only feel guilty for not showing it before and all they could do is to cry beside the motionless body. I have done it rite and i m happy with myself. I have always appreciated the relation with my mum and her presence. of cos the pain i'll suffer is more as i of all the kids would have loved her the most. But there aint any guilty feeling like wat my other siblings re going thru. Pls learn from this and take care of ur mothers. And for you mum: I'll Always miss you and I'll Always Love You. You told me that i never pray and one day i will. U were rite mum. I have a god to pray to now and thats You! I'll never fail to pray you and only You! You're always in my heart and there can be no one to replace you! Pls forgive me for all my sins and be there when i continue ur wishes for me and the family. Rest in peace!!! I LOVE YOU!



February 9th 2008


Not so Good!

If u'll remember last week, i wanted u'll to wish me a better week this time rd. But guess wat, this week was quite bad for whatever tt happened although the first half of it was pretty ok. Last Sunday was the second half of Krish's faREWell at his place. I was suppose to get an expensive and gd cake for him with name written on it and 21candles. I tot it would be quite easy but proved to be quite hard. I went to like 5 shops and only one could actually do the lettering for the cake. It was also raining very heavily then so i had to run here n there getting wet all the time. Finally i settled with the shop which had the letterings though i felt the standards of the cake in the other shops were far more better. I was thinkin everyone would not like the cake. But yea, was not bad in the end. Went to the extent one of my frens actually call me to find out where to get the cake. Oh the food at Krish's place was really fantastic. I think i m the one who ate the most n got a bad reputation cos of that as a glutton. But who cares. Nice means nice wat! Had almost everything like friuts deserts appetisers snacks and all laaa. Wish krish could have called us to his place every single month jus for a feast like tt. We also gave krish an Album of him which was very well done! Even though i didnt had anything to do with it besides writing a msg on it, it was simply a gd effort, especially when coming from a guy!

On Tue, met up with Faye and Desmond, my two favourite duckees. We met for breakfast at the serangoon stadium prata place. I felt quite great as it was an outing arranged exclusively for me with the both of them. So touched. We talked a lot of cock and yea i was telling them lots of cock stories and all. Laughed a lot. Nice nice! Had a good time and also i didnt pay a single cent as it was a treat by them. Haha. So nice of them.

Well during the time that i was waiting for the arrival of the duckees, as they re never early, i recieved a phone call from my fren and she said she actually fell while playin netball and tore he ligament. The bad news was that she cannot take part in the captains ball in sports spectra. However there was a good news too which was that she can actually be the person who can be the one who can accompany me for the sports spectra as last week i really hoped i could go. Of cos i also wanted to help her move ard during the sports spectra as she could hardly move ard and yea not jus go there for my own purpose.

That nite itself had a farewell for the ORD personels at my company line. Although i didnt wanna go, i decided to go in the end jus to see some of the guys. I went there when almost everything was over and even the food was like gone. So yea quite waste of time for me. But we had our own outing after that. We went to woodland's causeway point to dine at pastamania. I as usual ate the spicy chicken pizza. Was gd and i was quite hungry. After that a few of us went on to watch Sweeny Todd, a film i was so eager to watch since the day it released as my favourite actor was in it! The whole film is a musical and that was the first time i ever watched a musical. I found it damn solid and i never tot i would love a musical so much. Even the songs were quite good and not a single character in the movie was wasted. Johnny Depp Was simply awesome as The demon barber. The suspense, comedy were all so good. Well, excellent movie. One of my all times favourite.

Wed, the day i was goin to Ord finally came. Haha. Yea now i have my pink ic man. Had to wake up damn early tt day after a long time and yea there was lots of time wastage. As a result of the time wastage i couldnt manage the time and go down for both outings with Faye and another with Krish. I was quite pissed and tired at the same time. In the end i had only time to show my face for krish's outing as they stayed a while later then Faye as it was chinese new yr eve and they all had to go off early. Even the shops closed when i went to krish's outing at Botak Jones. Didnt enjoy cos as i said i was damn tired and all. Never had enough sleep. After tt i went home and had like 2 hrs of rest and i was lookin forward for sports spectra.

Till this time everything was quite ok. Things started to happen after 12am on wed. I was forcing myself to slp and i couldnt. Dunno why. Had this feelin that there was something wrong. It was at 3am when i almost fell asleep tt my dad knocked on my door. I immediately rushed to open the door. And guess what, all of them were awake and my mum was on the sofa crying in pain and callin for her son, me! Never saw her in such pain before. I cant expalin how sad i felt. But yea i accompanied her to the hospital. Was by her side all the while and telling her to be calm. She was damn frightened. Was at the hospital from 3.30 all the way till 5am and the doctors told me we cant see Mum till like afternoon cos she had to go thru all the scans and all and later warded. So I decided i should go home change for the sports spectra, which at first i didnt wanna go after my mum was brought to the hospital. But yea instead of slpin i tot going down to the sports spectra was better and further more would be damn bastard if i dun go down with my fren who was injured. I reached hme at 6 and slept for like 1 and a half hours and rushed down to the sports spectra with sharadha!

Well, felt happy cos i could be there even though i felt damn tired and worried after wat happened to my mum. But yea tried not to show it. Got to see lots of frens. And yea, my small wish came thru too. I was with the NUS team the whole time along with Sharadha. Very interesting to see them play. Hahaha i was like the only guy in tt captain ball's courts as all the guys were at the street soccer area. Got to see my frens all play. Not bad, the team quite power i have to say. Inever expected my frens to play that well. I was amazed by their efforts to run ard and concentrate on the game under the scorching hot sun. It was so hot that i actually turned red. Haha. Sunburn sia!!! But yea gd effort. They already looked like the winners so they dun need to win the entire competition to prove it! Solid team. Wish i could end up in NUS.

After that went to see my mum. She was much better after the scans and all. The past few days i was at the hospital and gave all my outings a miss. Even the St.John's trip tt i wanted to go. Sorry Van!!! Fri mornin too i woke up early and sent off Krish! Hopefully he has a Good stay and could complete his education well there and that time would pass by much faster then usual so that can see him back soon. Faye's gonna leave Sunday nite. Hmmm quite sad already!

So far this is what tt happened in this week. Wish my mum would get well soon in full form. I m quite affected by something. I dunno how to say it too cos i m in a situation tt i cant tell anyone. Maybe jus one person but i cant make her understand as she mite not wanna hear it too at this time as its very unexpected for her. I dun wanna be unfair by saying out some stuff thats needs to be kept longer.



February 2nd 2008


Fantastic Week with cool frens!

Finally my army nsf life is coming to an end! I have waited for this ever since the start of bmt and yeah, finally I have reached this stage. On wed, i'll be getting my pink ic. U'll never know how overjoyed I am.

Anyway, I have been damn happy as of late and you can see me damn high all the time. Well a few reasons for this. Firstly, the return of my duckee fren, Faye. So nice and happy to see her back. I purposely made myself damn free so that i can go out to meet up with her anytime that she is able to meet us. Even though its only gonna be two weeks for her, I am really trying to help her gain back all the beautiful memories back here and also to enjoy every single moment she spents with us. We went pizza hut on wed. Friday met at some chinese restraunt where i was the first indian who would have probably been there. Then went Dary'l hse after renting some vcds( Goal 2,Disturbia Protege) and yea watched goal 2 at his place. I wasnt watching most of the time as i was teaching daryl on how to play poker and ended up playing myself haha. After staying abt 2hrs at his place, we all left to our own places and met up again for supper at the serangoon stadium prata place. On sat, met again to recce Sentosa for the surf and sweat race in which two of my frens re taking part. And yea tts abt it with faye for this week. So far, its quite good i have to say. Hope the remaining one week is as good as the past one week for her.

Secondly, I am totally crystal clear of whats happening ard me and i finally realise how to go about doing certain stuffs. As in very important stuffs. One particular thing was bothering me lots before but yea thru expeience and getting to relate the matters to my good frens, I have realised where i stand and somehow quite confident about how i should take things. By noticing wats happening to the ppl ard me, I realise wat is wrong and wat is right. Well some ppl wun be able to guess wat the hell I m talkin abt here, but yea if u do then its gd.

Thirdly, I have been involved with the farewell thingy for my good fren who is leaving aussie soon. His Birthday falls on March but he is leaving Singapore like on the 8th. So yea, we were planning on some kind of farewell come birthday thingy for him. Yesterday was the first half of it. For once the planning was quite good and everything happened without any hiccups. Everytime one person handles everything and yea there will be some kindaf screw ups here and there. But wat we did this time was one fellow took charge of the farewell dinner and one fellow did the getting of the gift part. Well i was the one who was in charge for the gift. Had this idea of getting him a psp after some conversation with the birthday boy himself about the psp. So wat i did was inform all my frens as early as monday and told them the share each person suppose to contribute. Went to do some research before that on how much the psp would cost and where I could get the best deals in Singapore. And after spending lots of time on that part, i msged everyone. And gladly, all were on for it. Some came up with other nice ideas but yea explained to them why we had to get this for now and they agreed to it too. I gathered ard 16 ppl for the gift and told them to transfer to my account and all. And yea yesterday afternoon itself I went to the shop which was suppose to have the best deal and bought a psp slim with 5games and all the other accessories at a very good deal.

After which went to Muthu's Curry at Suntec. This was organised by another fellow and yea quite gd this time round as the place was already reserved for all of us, and nothing cocked up. We jus met, went to the place and ate. The food was quite good. I'd rate it as one of the top two indian restraunts, the other being Gayathri's. Both serve us with quality and quantity. Can just eat till u get so full and the price isnt tt too expensive too. Of cos depends on what u order. But yea all of us were full and everything happened quite well. So yea quite happy on how things have took place for this past week. Today will be the second half of the farewell thingy and yea gotta do some stuff before it actually happens. Task therefore not completed yet.

So as you see, I was never really at home for this past week and was spending time with all my close frens. Not forgetting thur as i went with my fren to make jerseys and all at peninsula plaza. Was a gd outing too as we talked lots of cock and stuff. Just tt i was a little diappointed tt couldnt see my other fren who was supposedly gonna come but her schedule didnt give her the time. Wanted to give her a surprise by being there but yea didnt turn up tt way in the end. Hmmmmmm so far quite gd ah. Hahaha.

Still have to do lots of stuff in the week ahead. Have more outings with my two frens who re gonna flee, call up schs for my relief teaching which i havent done yet and go down to st.john's island after being warmly invited by Van haha. Haha. I wanted to go down for sports spectra organise by NUS too but guess dun have any of my close buddies following me. Not that i wanna participate cos u gotta be in some sch at present to participate. Jus that i wanna catch watever tt is happening there. Hmmmmmmz. Nvm. See if got any chance for me to go down. So yea pls wish me a nicer week ahead haha. hope i dun get damn sad after seeing two of my frens flying off this week.
Ganeshan | 12:16 AM